Just a Few of The Several Reasons Living In Los Angeles, California Totally Kicks Ass

1. An acute case of paranoia actually comes in quite handy. 2. There is at least one brand-named coffee shop within just .2 miles of any point in this city, and each and every employee behind the counter is good-looking enough to bone, not that you necessarily would, but you could. 3. Homeless people on [...]

Pug Out of Time

Right now, right as I’m lying in bed drinking coffee and watching “I Love Lucy,” the dog across the hall is crying. When I say crying I mean hollering in a desperate, currently-being-beaten sort of way. I’m not concerned, really, because he hollers like this twice a day, everyday. And I know he’s not being [...]

I’m a Slave 4 U(nemployment)

I’ve cleaned every surface in this apartment: every tile, every crevice, every hidden corner littered with dust bunnies the size and attitude of Texas. Alas, I’ve nothing left to clean. I always said that I’d strip this place bare once I had the free time to do so, much like I’d strip the sleeves from [...]


You should have seen this woman. You wouldn’t have believed it. I didn’t believe it at first. But this is Los Angeles; the entire economy hinges on a collective suspension of disbelief. I was on my way to meet an old friend for lunch in Santa Monica. There’s no easy way to get to Santa [...]

Four Twenty

I’ve never been very good with drugs. You might think a former Mormon would be good at drugs — yea, a born natural — but I’m not. My friend, Joe, however, is. I guess that’s not entirely true. I mean, I don’t even know if he’s tried any of the major drugs, the drugs they [...]

Stand By Me

I saw the real Erin Brockovich this morning, and remarkably, she looked nothing like the real Julia Roberts. Erin, that’s what I call her, passed me on her way down The Stairs this morning. She smelled like raspberries and hairspray. I tried not to make it obvious to everyone else on the staircase that I [...]


Someone downstairs is taking a shower, right now. I know they know that I shower at the same time every morning, this time, this moment right now, and I can’t understand why they would choose to shower when they know that I’m usually showering right this instant. I bet it’s the girl who lives directly [...]

Recipe for Jack and Coke at the Beloved Blurbodoocery

PREP: Wake up at 5:30 AM and drive 12 miles in light traffic to a crowded public staircase where the beautiful people of Hollywood pay personal trainers to kick their flabby SAG asses up and down a grueling 170 stairs. Snicker as you pass the Tori Spellings, Andie MacDowells, and various odd commercial extras you [...]

Dear Cranky Old Bitch Who Cut in Front of Me at Canter’s Deli

I am supposed to write and tell you that I am sorry for calling you a “rude old crag” in front of the ten people you so casually jumped in front of while waiting in line at Canter’s Deli last evening. I’ve been told I should apologize for the way I called attention to your [...]

Cold Feet

Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat. Dooce is wearing wool socks and a fleece-lined beanie hat. Los Angeles may never know temperatures below 60 degrees Fahrenheit, but the American Holiday Season demands that I spend a significant number of my vacation days in climates directly suited for 400-pound polar bears. Three years ago [...]