9021-Ho
You should have seen this woman. You wouldn’t have believed it. I didn’t believe it at first. But this is Los Angeles; the entire economy hinges on a collective suspension of disbelief. I was on my way to meet an old friend for lunch in Santa Monica. There’s no easy way to get to Santa [...]
Four Twenty
I’ve never been very good with drugs. You might think a former Mormon would be good at drugs — yea, a born natural — but I’m not. My friend, Joe, however, is. I guess that’s not entirely true. I mean, I don’t even know if he’s tried any of the major drugs, the drugs they [...]
Stand By Me
I saw the real Erin Brockovich this morning, and remarkably, she looked nothing like the real Julia Roberts. Erin, that’s what I call her, passed me on her way down The Stairs this morning. She smelled like raspberries and hairspray. I tried not to make it obvious to everyone else on the staircase that I [...]
Neighbor
Someone downstairs is taking a shower, right now. I know they know that I shower at the same time every morning, this time, this moment right now, and I can’t understand why they would choose to shower when they know that I’m usually showering right this instant. I bet it’s the girl who lives directly [...]
Recipe for Jack and Coke at the Beloved Blurbodoocery
PREP: Wake up at 5:30 AM and drive 12 miles in light traffic to a crowded public staircase where the beautiful people of Hollywood pay personal trainers to kick their flabby SAG asses up and down a grueling 170 stairs. Snicker as you pass the Tori Spellings, Andie MacDowells, and various odd commercial extras you [...]
Dear Cranky Old Bitch Who Cut in Front of Me at Canter’s Deli
I am supposed to write and tell you that I am sorry for calling you a “rude old crag” in front of the ten people you so casually jumped in front of while waiting in line at Canter’s Deli last evening. I’ve been told I should apologize for the way I called attention to your [...]
Cold Feet
Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat. Dooce is wearing wool socks and a fleece-lined beanie hat. Los Angeles may never know temperatures below 60 degrees Fahrenheit, but the American Holiday Season demands that I spend a significant number of my vacation days in climates directly suited for 400-pound polar bears. Three years ago [...]
Dirge Diggler
When I look out the window of my boss’s office, which I can see through one of the translucent panes of my cubicle sitting 30 feet away, I see the smoky silhouette of the Santa Monica Mountains bleeding an ocean of headlights they call the 405. Los Angeles is experiencing weather this evening. Local meteorologists [...]
How About I Take That Ticket and Shove It Up Your Ass
On a small stretch of the Pacific Coast Highway between the Pacific Palisades and the Santa Monica Pier, a lone Patrolman straddled a marked motorcycle, smiling in sinister merriment as unsuspecting commuters flew through a 45mph reduced speed zone. He couldn’t wait to catch the next evil-doing law-breaker, and so his swollen wrists trembled eagerly [...]
Disasters of the Natural Variety
Yesterday morning at approximately 9:30 am PST, a smallish rumbling earthquake hit Los Angeles and woke me from a drooling slumber. It was the first earthquake I’ve ever been awake or sober enough to experience, and like any other natural disaster frightened me into rabid cable news channel surfing and knuckle gnawing for the rest [...]
