Swatches

The color on every wall and every door and every closet in every room except the kitchen of our new house: The color we painted the living room this weekend: The color on every surface of the kitchen, including the surely once magnificent 80-yr old wood moldings: The color we plan to use in the [...]

Know What I Feel?

I challenge anyone to listen to this song (mp3 link now unavailable) (“No Culture Icons” by The Thermals) only once and be able to go throughout your once bearable life without singing it in your head EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF THE DAY. After I’d heard the song for the first time I couldn’t help but [...]

Armstrongs are American, too

So the world is just a piece of crap and this war continues to make no sense and families are being destroyed as Dan Rather sits smugly from the safety of his make-up chair. The fucking dog across the street will not stop barking, and I really can’t blame him because I’d bark all day [...]

Coming to Terms with the Y Chromosome

So here’s the thing about men: the thing is, all men are airheads. And I’m not trying to pick a fight or necessarily make a sweeping generalization, it’s just a conclusion I’ve come to after years and years of empirical study. My husband is an airhead, all of his male friends are airheads, all of [...]

Settle the Score

My husband seems to think that “crayon,” as in “Crayola Crayon” is pronounced “cray on,” as if it were two words, like “go put the cray on the table.” And we all know that it’s not two words. The correct pronunciation of “crayon” is “crown,” as in “gimme the brown crown.” Now that we all [...]

Alpha Bits

Over the weekend we had dinner with some friends whose 6-yr old daughter was lamenting the fact that because her last name begins with an “S” she is always put at the back of the alphabetical line in her class at school. And she had several suggestions as to how to remedy her situation, among [...]

I’ve Got This Great Idea for a Bold New Ad

There’s like this totally desolate area, except it’s not totally desolate. Maybe it’s quasi-desolate. Yeah, that’s it, quasi. And there’s a city with buildings, but there are no people anywhere, and it’s all very post-apocalyptic and shit. No one is doing post-apocalyptic and shit these days, so we’re being very edgy that way. And when [...]

Oxy Moron

So it happened today, the adult-onset pimple. It’s on my right temple, directly next to my right eye. And all day long I’m going to look at people’s noses in hopes that they will in turn look at my nose, a nose with no pimples, instead of into my eyes. If they look into my [...]

Anvil Latrine

Here’s what I don’t understand: what I don’t understand is how those people expect me to believe that Avril Lavigne is the “alternative” to Britney Spears. Those people just expect me to lie down and get over the fact that this Avril creation, someone so insipidly sterile that the only thing even slightly askew about [...]

What’s Grosser than Gross?

Please indulge me this juvenile activity. I’m counting on you people to come up with something so sick and diseased that I can’t help but think that the sickness I feel right now is in some way a blessing. I’ll start with a couple of my favorites, the ones I used to repeat over and [...]