Penisary Contact With the Volvo

Today’s post has nothing to do with that title, it’s just I can’t get that phrase out of my head. Sometimes it’s the word “avuncular” or “gesticulatory” or “bukkake Asian facial.” Last week I couldn’t stop singing The Osmond’s “Pine Cones And Holly Berries” from The Osmond Family Christmas. But the Osmonds have nothing to [...]


There’s a relatively new reality show on MTV called FM Nation, and while I didn’t think there would ever be a show that could top The Bachelor or Temptation Island, the genius editors at MTV networks have somehow exalted unscripted TV to undeniable brilliance. FM Nation follows 3 groups of young idiots as their stories [...]


Several mornings ago I woke up with severe lower-left abdominal pains. From 4:30 am to 6:30 am I counted the seconds between each throbbing ache, the seconds before my appendix would explode and burst through my stomach and all over my clean sheets. At 7am, provided enough evidence that the appendix is safely on [...]


Girl A: Hey, did I wake you up? Girl B: Huh? Um, no. No, I’m awake. I’m totally awake. Girl A: No you’re not. I woke you up. I’m sorry. Girl B: No, really. I’m awake. I wasn’t sleeping. Girl A: Are you sure? Girl B: Am I sure? Girl A: Yeah, are you sure [...]

A Bug’s Short Life

I swallowed a bug this morning. The bug wasn’t a particularly large bug, perhaps the size of a gnat or a tick, but I’m pretty sure the bug was neither a gnat nor a tick. The consistency was far more chewy than that of either the gnat or the tick. I suspect that a tick [...]

Road Kill

I once ran over a bird with my car. I guess I should actually say I once killed a bird with my car because I didn’t just run over it. I also killed it. And if I didn’t say that I killed it I would be lying. There were actually two birds, but I only [...]

A Few Ways You Might Not Want to Spend a Holiday Weekend

Carry out a successful hit and run: Back your friend’s Ford Explorer into a Jeep Wrangler that belongs to a large angry woman. She will jump out of the driver’s seat and threaten to kick your � hmm, let’s see, how would she put it � “skinny white ass.” Refuse to get out of the [...]

Four Twenty

I’ve never been very good with drugs. You might think a former Mormon would be good at drugs — yea, a born natural — but I’m not. My friend, Joe, however, is. I guess that’s not entirely true. I mean, I don’t even know if he’s tried any of the major drugs, the drugs they [...]

I Can’t Get No Hydration

I don’t drink nearly enough water. My parents never taught me about the benefits of maintaining a healthy level of hydration throughout the day, although my mother did help me develop a rather crippling addiction to Diet Coke when I was five. I don’t really blame my parents for what has now developed into chronic [...]

Original Sin

It’s not that I’ve never made an adult purchase before. I mean, I’ve never bought a house or a boat or even a set of pillow shams to match the curtains. But I have, in the short term of being the age that Britney describes as “not a girl, not yet a woman,” made significant [...]