Dear Cranky Old Bitch Who Cut in Front of Me at Canter’s Deli

I am supposed to write and tell you that I am sorry for calling you a “rude old crag” in front of the ten people you so casually jumped in front of while waiting in line at Canter’s Deli last evening. I’ve been told I should apologize for the way I called attention to your [...]

Dinner With Friends and Butter

According to my father a woman is not a woman unless she knows how to cook. And up until recently I’ve been certifiably un-woman. With smallish boobs, a boyish haircut normally worn by members of little league, and culinary experience amounting to several successful bowls of Frosted Mini Wheats, I could easily pass for a [...]

How About I Take That Ticket and Shove It Up Your Ass

On a small stretch of the Pacific Coast Highway between the Pacific Palisades and the Santa Monica Pier, a lone Patrolman straddled a marked motorcycle, smiling in sinister merriment as unsuspecting commuters flew through a 45mph reduced speed zone. He couldn’t wait to catch the next evil-doing law-breaker, and so his swollen wrists trembled eagerly [...]

Disasters of the Natural Variety

Yesterday morning at approximately 9:30 am PST, a smallish rumbling earthquake hit Los Angeles and woke me from a drooling slumber. It was the first earthquake I’ve ever been awake or sober enough to experience, and like any other natural disaster frightened me into rabid cable news channel surfing and knuckle gnawing for the rest [...]