Thinking

At the end of my life I hope to have lived to such a standard that I don’t have the regret that I didn’t watch enough television.

Thinking

My favorite excuse for occasionally being a very lazy parent is, “Oh well, it’s good for her immune system.” As in, even though I just dropped this somewhat damp cracker on the floor and it is now covered in dog hair, I will go ahead and give it to my kid without trying very hard [...]

Thinking

I just re-read the post I wrote last night before going to bed and all I have to say about it is HUSBANDS SHOULD NOT LET THEIR WIVES BLOG DRUNK.

Thinking

Why does Elmo insist on speaking only in third person? HEATHER WANTS ELMO TO STOP.

Thinking

The packaging for child-proof door locks to put on medicine and cleaning supply cabinets should come with a warning that says: If you are unable to figure out how to operate this lock just hand it to your 18-month-old and she will show you.

Thinking

I just renewed the registration for the truck online and got this message: Congratulations! You have successfully renewed your registration with Renewal Express! The letters were rendered in huge, black bold print. I really get the feeling that the Utah government is proud of me, I mean, look at those exclamation points. No small feat [...]

Thinking

I recently noticed that both Leta and Chuck stare at our naked bodies as if we are alien, particularly Jon. And if you think about it, the penis isn’t a very friendly-looking organ. I’m not talking about one penis in particular, as I’ve seen more wee-waws than it would befit a proper Southern lady to [...]

Thinking

The baby, she likes bacon. Our work here is done.

Thinking

The Mail application on the Mac OS should have at least two auto responses to hate mail: 1) That’s not what your mom said to me in bed last night. and 2) You’re the reason people have sex with animals.

Thinking

I’m figuring out that the secret to disciplining a 15-month-old is: HOW MUCH SCREAMING CAN YOU WITHSTAND?