“Boohbah” is now code word for, “Hightail it to the bedroom, we’ve got roughly 17 minutes.”
One should remember when one is in the basement where the ceilings are barely six feet high that when one goes to throw the baby into the air with glee that the glee will go SPLAT against the ceiling. No, really. Why have I not been arrested?
Whenever I’m reading Leta The Nose Book and we get to the part that says, “And one thing more. Suppose…no nose…Where would all our glass sit? They’d all fall off! Just THINK of it!” I change that last two sentences and say, “I don’t care! I’d never smell your shit!” (All hate mail should include [...]
After two shots of tequila, okay maybe three or four, your editor to the letter, I mean your ledit to the etter, I mean, your edetter to the letterer, it’s probably not going to get published.
The problem, you see, the problem is that if you’ve got a wet puppy nose because your cold won’t go away, and you go in to kiss your husband and he has a beard, the problem is that when he comes back for another kiss that snot is coming RIGHT BACK AT YA.
I just got back from my therapy session and I think the meds may be working a little too well because I suddenly realized that I’m trying to get an A+ in sanity. There’s a small part of me that thinks I’ll lose my scholarship if I don’t.
Last night while getting ready for bed I lifted up the lid of the toilet only to realize that before GEORGE! had gone home yesterday afternoon he left us a little present. And all I could think was, “AWESOME! turd.”
The baby just pulled my water bottle of the coffee table onto her head, and there is water everywhere. Should I wipe up the carpet or the baby first? I can’t decide.
At 3:30 AM when he can’t stop tossing or sitting up to blow his nose or hack up his lung and he lies back down again and says, “I’m sorry, I know I’m keeping you awake, I can go sleep on the couch,” I know that my life is so good when I feel with [...]
NOTE TO SELF AND INTERNET: Do not, I repeat, DO NOT eat 20 spicy buffalo wings for dinner when you had very light lunch else you will find you and your accomplice in wing consumption the next morning in separate bathrooms SHITTING YOUR BRAINS OUT while the baby sits on the bed and screams wondering [...]