the smell of my desperation has become a stench


Only five posts into this version of the website and already I’m asking myself, I’m asking, hey, Heather, you know, will you write about anything other than your damn dog ever again?

Because I know that at some point, perhaps a point already past, people are going to start saying, hey, Heather, you know, they’ll say, I really don’t need to read another word about your damn dog.

But the thing is, you see, the thing is, I just now taught him how to shake hands like, he will now lift his paw and shake your hand. Seriously. It’s like magic or something.

And for a while, for like three days, I was thinking, my dog’s not ever going to learn how to shake hands. He’s looking at me like, “You want me to do what?” and his big brown eyes are all, “You’ve never made me work for a treat before, dude. Why are you doing this to me?”

And for three days it was the hardest thing I ever did, making him work for a treat, because seriously, he is like the most precious creature on the planet, and I’d like to see you try to refuse him anything.

So for three days I was torn between giving in and just handing him the damn treat and wondering, dude, is my dog stupid? Does my dog ride the short bus? What dumb dog doesn’t know how to shake?

I mean, just shake my hand and you get the treat, you know? How easy is that? Like this. See how easy that was? Shake. Just, you know, shake. My three-yr-old niece knows how to shake, for crying out loud, and she’s not even potty trained.

And just now, just now, three days after torturing myself and my dog, he like, looked at me then looked down at his paw then looked back up at me, raised his paw and I swear to God he said, “I’m only doing this because you’re being really pathetic, and I’m embarrassed for you.”

But, dude, he shook!

  • Sour Bob

    2002/09/26 at 4:10 pm

    Are you going to send me an email, or am I going to have to tell these people which movie it was that was your first R-rated film ever? After which, since that was no good, you swore never to see another R-rated movie ever.

  • Sour Bob

    2002/09/26 at 5:00 pm

    Ah, fuck it. I’n not the type to narc you out for past geekishness. Cheers to you and nice talking with you.

  • ME

    2002/09/26 at 5:45 pm

    Wait! you liked Dan Quayle?

  • Billy

    2002/09/26 at 8:56 pm

    He was punishing you — withholding because of the trauma he has been subjected to.
    Sour Bob, dude, cool it, back off, man. I’m expecting the “I’ve come across time for you, Sarah” speech from The Terminator any minute now.

  • Ariel

    2002/09/27 at 4:53 pm

    Dooce, one of my old high school classmates just found MY blog, too. See comments to this post. (Oh, and read the article if you want…you’re mentioned in it.)

  • Ariel

    2002/09/27 at 4:53 pm

    Let me try that link again:

  • jimcuene

    2002/09/27 at 5:34 pm

    can I have some music recommendations please? Even if it’s dog-centric, dog-related, or reminiscent of dogs.

  • anne

    2002/09/28 at 6:00 pm

    can your dog catch the treat in its mouth? mine cant. my dog is dumb. but she plays fetch and dances on two legs for food.

    keep the dog posts coming, they rule !

  • Keith

    2002/09/28 at 7:40 pm

    Manfred Mann was really singing, “Blinded by the light/Revved up like a dooce.”

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

read more