An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Fessing Up

So I’m going to sit here and tell you what happened, and I’m not going to take it back, and I’m not going to hate myself in the morning. In fact, I’m tired of hating myself in the morning and making excuses.

Why are we constantly making excuses anyway? Why do we feel like we have to say, hey, I know I’m going to hate myself in the morning, but I had a decision to make, so I made it?

Why do we have to say, hey, I know it’s not cool to do this, but just for this one instance, I don’t care if it’s cool or not. Why do we have to be concerned with whether or not something is cool?

And who the hell decided that Kid Rock is cool? Was it the same person who decided that Christina Aguilera should be allowed to wear that? And why am I ashamed that I don’t have to spell-check her name?

The point is, I was holding the new Beth Orton CD in my left hand and the new Dixie Chicks CD in my right hand, and I couldn’t buy both of them, so I had to choose one of them, and I chose the SO NOT COOL one.

You see, this means that no one in Indie-land will ever take me seriously again. I won’t ever be able to give my opinion on a new Built to Spill album, or wear my Yo La Tengo concert t-shirt without someone accusing me of being earnest.

And I don’t know, maybe I really am getting old, but I’m starting not to care about indie cred anymore. Indie cred used to be so important, you know? Like, I remember one time I was at a really intimate Death Cab For Cutie show chatting up some really sweet, obviously ridiculed-in-high-school kid who probably played drums in some small three-piece with his friends in the basement of one of their mom’s house in the Valley, and he was talking about the latest Unwound album, and he asked me what I thought about it, and I was like, yeah dude, it’s a total psychedelic epic, and the only reason I said that was not because I had ever listened to the album or had any idea who the hell Unwound was but because I figured I had about a 60% chance of sounding legit.

Anyway, I think it’s time I stop apologizing and instead start fessing up, with like, really unabashed, reckless, so-not-indie abandon:

• I loved American Idol.
• I pronounce “here” like “herre”.
• I have watched every episode of Survivor since the first season.
• I watched every episode of the first season of Felicity and actually cried when she chose Ben.
• I own the soundtrack to “St. Elmo’s Fire”.
• I saw Milli Vanilli in concert.
• I used to send fan mail to Jordan Knight.
• I bought my dog a fleece jacket and have, on several occasions, forced him to wear it just because it looks so cute.
• My favorite Friend is not Phoebe.
• I drink Starbucks coffee, a lot.
• I don’t own every Smiths album, nor do I own a single album by Led Zeppelin.
• I once interviewed the lead singer of Everclear and he made me cry.
• I like Julia Roberts.
• I don’t think Tom Cruise is gay.
• I can name every cast member from every season of The Real World.
• I still know every word to every song in “Grease 2” and can mime the entire Cool Rider sequence, start to finish.

I think that’s enough for now. Sarah, are you ever going to speak to me after this?

  • I have every issue of Martha Stewart Living. I was in 4-H as a kid. When I was ten, my favorite color was purple and I loved horses. I was in the concert band at school (college, too). I’m addicted to Frazier. I like Sandra Bullock and Matt Damon. I have an MTV Party-to-Go CD (the one with “Baby Got Back” and “Finally” on it). I’m married to a guy who has almost every CD ever made by a hair band. I love classical music, 70s R&B, funk, and soul, and 80s new wave music. I still play air guitar and sing into a hairbrush when the spirit moves me. I had huge feathered hair in the 80s. Oh the delicious shame of it.

  • I lament the break-up of the Spice Girls daily.

  • Wayne


    You guys are so lame! Starbucks! Milli Vanilli!! loooosers!!! Now shut up. Blind Date is coming on….

  • I have an odd fascination with the Style channel, even though I am far from a fashionista. I went to a New Kids on the Block concert when I was 12. I heartily enjoyed “The Scorpion King”. I used to read VC Andrews novels.

  • Trishelle? Why does everybody always think the woman needs testing? What about the other, bigger ho: Steven. Dude is WEAK.

  • Dude, I know all the words to Grease 2 also, and I have like, testicles and things. It just won’t do.

  • sometimes i don’t ‘keep it real’.

  • Gilmore Girls is the best dialogue-driven drama since Sports Night… but I could indulge my penchant for witty come-backs and spot-on delivery with less male-defensiveness back in the Sports Night days. When I was in the Bolivian rain forest frolicking with the natives (goat meat, massive barrels of chicha, religious revelry) I saw this guy who looked dead-on like Tom Cruise– shirtless, bushy eyebrows, the nose, chin, eyelashes, everything. I was fascinated… and now its painful to realize that I noticed the dude’s eyelashes. They were very full and lustrous. But what the hell’s the point of living within the boundaries of stereotype anyway? Whoever we think we are, we all gotta break loose.

  • Oh, Grease 2. I, too, know every word and have often mimed the Cool Rider sequence, though the Reproduction number has always been my favorite. I also had a poster of Maxwell Caulfield. Okay, two posters. The shame!

  • i tivo martha stewart shows all the time, every show (living, kitchen, garden). i actually hate nikki for getting tamyra booted. really. i’d slap her if i saw her. i have the last hanson album and LOVE IT. i like how i look in a infinty dress and wish i owned another. i completely lose control when a bee flies near me. i’m screaming, running and knocking things down to get away.

  • I actually used to order clothes from the International Male catalog…and I wore them.

  • Cyn

    I guess I am just too old or uncool…I had to look up what indie-cred meant. I’m still not sure I get it. It dosen’t matter how good the music is, if it is marketed by a large label it is not cool? Like they are selling out or something?
    Led Zepplin was my first concert… and I hate reality shows. I mean, how real can you be if you know you are on camera?

  • I am ADDICTED to the tv show “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” I’ve been to a Star Trek convention (with my family, if that’s any excuse). And despite my ardent feminism, I, too, love Julia Roberts. I’m with you, sister! (I believe “herre” is pronounced somewhat like a pirate saying “hair”)

  • what is a trishelle? and, I’m still waiting for the “favorite friend” confession.

  • Hey, I *still* like Ace of Base *and* the movie Howard the Duck…

  • Dude. I too am quite talented — er, no, practiced — in exporting a “cool” personna, whilst many of my deep, dark, not-so-guitly pleasures burning a Britney-shaped hole in my soul. My own list remarkably mirrors yours, ‘cept it gets worse. I taped all those Mickey Mouse Club shows back in the day (yeah, the ones starring the prepubsecent Christinas and Justins of today), and, oh yeah, I occasionally still watch them. I saw Irene from RW Seattle at a bar the other night and felt it my civic duty to follow her around, once catching a pissy glare from her as I accidentally spout the words “lyme disease” too loudly within her earshot while explaining my mission to my peers. I can still sing many of the original Jem & The Holograms songs from the cartoon series (I once aspired to be Jem/Jerrica when I grew up; still not quite there, though). I practically had an aneurysm in the theater this weekend — while viewing “Sweet Home Alabama” — when I noticed a big fat “Can’t Buy Me Love” reprise in that Kenneth “You shit on my house!” Wormman was once again starring in the same film as Ronald “I got a Reputation, babay!” Miller, and since can’t seem to stop talking about it (and am shocked when others don’t find it as insanely hardcore as I do). And, oh yeah, I’ve seen the Monkees, live, 4 times (and New Kids, once, Huey Lewis, four times, and N’sync, uh, twice).

    Shit. I feel real exposed all of a sudden. I’d better get outta herre.

  • I’m perfect. I have no quirks. I don’t know what’s wrong with all you people.

  • Michele

    I wanted to be Madonna when I was 13, dressed like her, did my hair like her (think of the Lucky Star video) Still, at night, when everyone is asleep I throw my own Madonna concerts by putting on CD’s and singing her early songs to my cats. Shhhhhh! Don’t tell anyone!

  • I like Barry Manilow and I don’t care who knows it. My first concert was Rick Springfield. I watch Crossing Over with John Edward religiously, AND I cry at nearly every episode.

  • We’re gonna scor-or-or tonight! Scor-or-or to-ni-hight! We’re gonna rock, we’re gonna roll, we’re gonna bop, we’re gonna bowl, we’re gonna score score score score scoooooooore…tonight!

    Heather, you are the epitome of cool, or un-cool, whichever makes you feel better. I sttop to the Bachelor, Temptation Island, and Love Cruise level. And I love to sing the background vocals to every song I listen to on my hour commute each way each day while I play air bass or drums. We are all brothers in arms on this one.

  • LK

    martha stewart is my idol, i know every word to every song of Duran Duran’s first four albums, i buy my clothes at old navy, i pay $4 for my caramel macchiato at starbucks, i watched every single episode of felicity (i wanted her to be with noel dammit), i cry when i watch emergency vets. screw indie cred and all them silverlake hipsters! as long as you’re happy with yourself, that’s all that matters.

  • uhhh, i bought tickets to the american idol show in atlantic city. i buy cds and never listen to them. i am very close to buying my so-called life and felicity on dvd even though i do not own a dvd player. i keep up on every single daytime soap.

    that’s enough for now.

  • … who’s jordan knight?

  • Ginger

    I like to read about other people’s lives. How sad is that?

  • …if you didn’t buy “a lot” od The Starbucks, you could have bought both albums. Calculate the cash for Starbucks and you find that the floor opens up and you fall into the hell of high finance addiction. Talk about your nickle bag problem. Think about your enslavement to the like of a hugh, stupid corporation. NOW, your talkin sad…

  • I used to never miss ‘Saved by the Bell,’ I’ve had an irrational crush on Barry Manilow since I was 11, and I still love that damn Hanson song. It’s just so durn catchy.

  • ME has become so Oprahesque! Look at us sharing things we would never do in another setting. Pretty soon, there’s going to be group hug!

  • Pseudo-intellectual Dipshit

    Guilty pleasures we all have but isn’t it important to at try to make yourself a better, more interesting person? All of that forced-fed culture you mentioned seems completely devoid of true passion. Life without passion isn’t living, it’s survival.

  • Whatever. I live for US magazine. I don’t even think they’re real journalists anymore. They’re just like, photoshopping Britney’s head onto Reese’s body. I can’t get enough.

  • smark

    i do not think you are getting less cool ms dooce, but i do believe you may be transforming into a gay male. fyi – my cousins are from a small town in tennessee. they too say “herre” but in the context of “son, yer startin’ to look like uh wuhman – you better cut that herre.” but of course, they don’t speak with hyphens; or catholics.

  • 2 ashamed 4 a name

    Oh man, this is all kids stuff. I have the lamest confession of all. In junior high, I loved STRYPER. STRYPER!! Even saw them live. Mix the lamest of metal with rebellious Christianity, and viola! I had posters and a T-shirt too. I can’t believe I am admitting this. Excuse me, I have to go hide.

  • Anna Nicole

    I’m hungry

  • ha ha. I was singing along to Bruce Springsteen in the car tonight (I listen to the golden oldies channel when I am in the car alone).

    Hell, I listen to country and western (on tape no less) in the car.

  • I am trying to figure out when exactly “indie cred” came into existence. When I satrted my love affair with indie music, no one ever talked about indie cred. I never even heard the word until about a year ago.

    This is the last sentence I ever thought I would ever write, but it is only music. It does not have to be a lifestyle. Like what you like, and who gives a flying banana about cred and what people think.

    BTW, I have also watched every single episode of Survivor, and Big Brother.

  • Glynis

    I love Dave Matthews as much as I love Modest Mouse*I too watch Friends religiously, actually the whole Thursday lineup makes me very happy*I know all the songs in Greases 1 & 2*Preferred Donnie Walhberg*Have been to a Marky Mark concert*Wow, that feels a lot better, getting it all out there.

  • HRH

    “Reproduction! Reproduction! Put your pollen tube to work.” I cried when Whitley and Dwane got married on A Different World, I have s Star Wars tatoo. A TATOO! I know, and love all of Grease 2, The Pirate Movie and Xanadu. I passed up an exchange program to France to see The New Kids on the Block and I have Friends, Buffy, Angel and Enterprise shipped to me overseas so I don’t miss anything. I bathe in my shame.

  • if you or Sarah B. ever wants to borrow my Milli Vanilli concert t-shirt (they opened for NKOTB in Minneapolis)
    it’s as good as in the mail.

  • Helen Jane, will you save it for my wedding day?

  • When Milli and co. reached a settlement with fans, the BMG record club sent me a detailed list of instructions to claim my reward for the pain and suffering. I carefully removed the liner from the cd jewel box and mailed it in. I was rewarded with a check for $2. The memo: Milli Vanilli settlement. I vowed never to cash it, but it’s lost somewhere now.

  • The new Beth Orton cd is kind of boring.

  • I was just listening to the new Dixie Chicks album when I read this – which is quite amusing. I love it, and if you made that choice, than that’s a-okay! 🙂 ‘Cause it is good.

  • I don’t even know what Indie is, I still listen to Michael Jackson, and I talk to myself all the time.

  • thewolf

    In one year of high school I listened to Boston’s second album virtually every day after school. I nearly cried at the end of “Parenthood.”

  • Robyn

    The truth is, everybody has got something to hide and things get old which is what makes change inevitable. The important thing is that you’ve evolved. The REAL sad people are the ones who stay stuck er… “committed” to their little movements and never really change. Be loud and proud.

  • I used to get up before my parents, put the Whitney Houston tape on one tape player, get another tape player with a mic, and make my own karaoke to “Greatest Love of All.”

  • shy

    wait… which Friend is your favourite, then?

  • It is really hard to come to the decision that you like something just because it makes you feel good. As a country musician living in London, I am constantly paranoid that I only make suck a point of locating myself in this genre to demonstrate how ‘alternative’ I am. One day I will get over the fact that I will never be Axl Foley out of Beverley Hills Cop. Long live the Boss.

  • The saddest day of my life was having to get rid of all my back issues of MSL, because they took up too much room in the moving truck. I did find them good homes, going so far as to post online ads in my town. I couldn’t find them all one home, but they were discretely divided between two lovely women that will hopefully cherish them as much as I did. And now I give away my new magazines because the thought of stockpiling another library that has to be given away en masse is too heartbreaking to consider.

    p.s. Jordan Knight is on Boston Public.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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