An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

You Only Get Five

Ok. So. Jon and I were standing out in front of the apartment, waiting for the dog to go pee or something, something that the dog normally does outside the apartment. And while we were waiting we were sort of re-enacting a certain scene from “Moonlight Mile,” a movie we’d just seen the night before.

It’s a really great scene between an actress named Ellen Pompeo and Jake Gyllenhaal, whom we shall note is on my Five Fame Fuckers list allowed between any two people in a committed relationship.

And let me just take a moment to explain the Five Fame Fuckers list for those of you who don’t already have one: if you’re in a committed relationship, you’re allowed to compile a list of five people you’d like to sleep with, but the people on the list not only have to be celebrities, they also have to be celebrities you don’t know or wouldn’t ever happen to bump into, even in the most remote social situation. To make things fair, the person you’re in the committed relationship with gets to compile his/her own list. So, if you don’t have one, please do us all a favor and get one.

Although the details of this list really have nothing to do with this story, I’ll just go ahead and tell you my list as of today, this moment, as I am writing this, is as follows, in no particular order:

1. Jake Gyllenhaal
2. Ed O’Brien
3. Clive Owen
4. Benecio Del Toro
5. Brad Pitt

Now, before you go all rolling your eyes about the Brad Pitt thing, just be glad I didn’t include James Gandolfini, because I was this close to including James Gandolfini.

So Jon and I were standing there, miming this scene from Moonlight Mile — and have I mentioned just how scrumptious Jake Gyllenhaal looks in this movie, with the doe eyes and the buttery, knobby shoulders? — when this really expensive, sooooped up Lincoln Navigator pulls up, and it’s filled with people.

And the guy driving the Lincoln Navigator rolls down the window and he says, “Hey, excuse me, do you guys live around here? We’re doing a scavenger hunt and we’re wondering if you could help us out.” Now, I have to admit, I never thought I’d be approached in LA to help out with a scavenger hunt. In fact, I thought scavenger hunts were strictly a part of Mormon culture, something old, single Mormons did to meet and mix with other older, single Mormons.

But apparently, even people in LA who don’t look old, single or Mormon go scavenger hunting. So Jon and I are like, “Yes, we live around here, what do you need?” And he was like, “We need to take a picture of ourselves standing in someone else’s kitchen.” Now, Jon and I both used to be Mormon, so we know that that’s a stupid thing to have on a scavenger hunting list. If they had said, “We need to take a picture of ourselves naked in someone else’s kitchen sink, we would have more readily negotiated the terms of entry into our apartment.

So Jon says, “Nah, you know, we have an NDA on our kitchen,” thinking, I’m not letting this Netscape Navigator-driving idiot who obviously knows nothing about scavenger hunting anywhere near my home. But the guy is really persistent, using several, “Oh, come on’s” and “We’ll only be a second’s.”

And in the meantime, Chuck is going bananas, his tail wagging like a crazed propeller, his face the most precious combination of anticipation and curiosity. And the girls sitting in the backseat of the Navigator can’t resist him, and they open the door and begin cooing, which of course sends him over the edge and he runs straight at the car and lands head first into the bucket seat, right at about the ass of one Shannon Elizabeth.

So there, sitting in the backseat of this scavenger hunting Navigator is Nadia from “American Pie,” and she seriously looks like, wow, like, I bet millions of teenage boys have done things to themselves in her honor. And my dog has planted himself somewhere near her supple, shimmery legs. And I’m thinking, dude, our kitchen is your kitchen, so I say, “Come on up!”

So we go upstairs, and the whole time I’m thinking, Shannon Elizabeth is going to see the inside of my house, and I have a very hard time not shouting, “Shannon Fucking Elizabeth is going to see the inside of my house!” but we make it upstairs and we all stand in the middle of our kitchen, Jon on one side of Shannon Elizabeth, Chuck and I on the other side of Shannon Elizabeth, and one of the other cute, nubile girls, most likely one of Shannon Elizabeth’s best friends, takes a Polaroid, to prove to someone, someone I don’t know, someone very lucky indeed, that Shannon Fucking Elizabeth saw the inside of my house.

And the best part about it is that Chuck managed somehow in his sneaky little puppy way to lick Shannon Elizabeth’s face just as the flash on the Polaroid went *poof*.

Now, I don’t know, at least I don’t think that Shannon Elizabeth is anywhere on Jon’s Five Fame Fuckers list, at least technically she shouldn’t be because we did run into her in a very remote social situation, but I’d really make an exception for this one. I’m a good person that way.

  • 1. claire forlani
    2. katie holmes
    3. heather graham
    4. virginie ledoyen
    5. paul weller (if i can’t BE paul weller, i guess it would be the second best thing)

  • ME

    Just an FYI – Ms. Zeta-Jones is Welsh (like my missus) not Scottish and is also on my list (thus knocking Mr. Wylie to number 6)

  • 1. Laetitia Casta 2. Catherine Zeta Jones 3. Mena Suvari 4. Erykah Badu 5. Gwen Stefani

  • On mob bosses, it’s got to be the power thing. No?

  • 1. the delicious messy=haired boy shaking and strutting in the gap commercial
    2. fran healey
    3. ewan mcgregor
    4. jude law
    5. ed norton

  • 1. Sasha (DJ) 2. Jude Law 3. Vin Diesel 4. Matthieu Kassovitz (from Amelie, etc.) 5. Ralph Fiennes. But only the first spot is truly filled…we really just have a one-spot FFF. More of an OFF than an FFF . I get Sasha, the fancy still pines for JLo…

  • Omit

    1)Susan Sarandon
    2)Jennifer Tilly
    3)Sarah Polley
    4)Adrienne Barbeau
    5)Diane Lane

  • Michele

    YES! Christine, we have to find out who that Gap commercial guy is. I’m editing my list. Mr. McConaughey can take a hike.

  • the Gap commercial guy is Will Kemp. you can read and see more of his lucious body here.

  • No pics of the incident????????

  • mmm, Will Kemp. I may have to edit my list. But who to remove?

  • Sorry, but I’m with the husband on the Gandolfini thing … I just don’t understand why women find him hot.

    1. Alyson Hannigan
    2. Natalie Portman
    3. Neve Campbell
    4. Gwenyth Paltrow
    5. Sarah Polley

    It’s even got the CRTC mandated Canadian content.

  • It’s weird, because ordinarily I’d have no interest in sex with someone I didn’t know. It’s not very manly, but even sex with people I know but don’t love generally doesn’t do much for me. But, hey, sure, five celebrities…

    1) Katie Holmes 2) Mary Louise Parker 3) Elizabeth Moss 4) Alysson Hannigan 5)Uma Thurman

    Kate Winslet would have been high on the list except that she smokes, and I’m totally into that whole “kissing an ashtray” theory. I’m sure some of the five I did list smoke too, but what I don’t know won’t turn me off.

  • but
    James Gandolfini was sexy in the Mexican and he plays a gay man.

  • You just KNOW that nobody’s going to believe this (at least, not officially 😉 ) unless you provide a picture or two… (hint, hint)

  • 1. Sade
    2. Nicole Narain (P’boy Playmate)
    3. LL Cool J
    4. Angelina Jolie
    5. Ghostface Killah

    Although I’d be most fond of having 2 and 3 at once… (See “Love You Better” music video.)

  • not in a relationship but what the heck!
    1.James Marsters 2.Skeet Ulrich 3.Hugh Jackman 4.Michael Vartan 5.Stuart Townsend

  • My List Of Five (as I’ve always known it ever since I saw the “Friends” episode about it years ago) has always fluctuated because I’ve never been able to narrow it down to 5. I’m gonna have to list some standbys here… (1) Mira Sorvino (2) Geena Davis (3) Claire Forlani (4) Yasmine Bleeth (5) Sheryl Crow. Standbys: Felicity Huffman, Kathleen Turner (mid-80s era), Piper Perabo, Helena Bonham Carter, Kate Hudson, Kate Winslet.

  • HRH

    1) Harrison Ford circa 1980, 2) Keanu Reeves, 3) Vigo Mortensen as Aragorn, 4) David Boreanaz as Angel 5)…hrm I can’t think of a fifth.

  • Igor

    You know, for a species that’s so intent to get its groove thing going on we must have been several million miles out of our skull to invent something so fundamentally lame as religion, the prime generator of guilt and the great American tradition of the serial killer.
    If all we seriously want to do is fuck our brains out why didn’t we just admit it and create a time honored tradition of meeting in a domed building on a regular basis, full of easily washable mattresses, or maybe one gigantic easily-washable mattress and expend ourselves in wild sexual abandon until our respective testicles and pussies sing “oh come all ye faithful” (yes, George Carlin, I know) before passing out for the rest of the day ? You could have food and music at the same time, and it wouldn’t cost you very much either.
    Be honest, we want sex, we think of it all the time. If we’d done this instead of hiding our interesting parts because God doesn’t want us to play with them we’d be rid of most of the psychopaths, we’d have a lot more fun with friends, no more people trying to hide their more interesting tendencies, no more guilt, jealousy, anxiety or frustration. Try that for a change, it’ll put a spring in your step and take away the appetite for destruction we’re so fond of now. If anyone seriously thinks that giving your fellow man/woman a mind-boggling orgasm is worse than blowing someone’s brains out, they must be on the wrong planet (or possibly I am).
    It would be great to meet Dooce in that context. What more woman would anybody want ?

  • groovypeace

    Brendan Fraser, Eric Roberts, Brad Pitt, Steven Tyler, Roger Howarth

  • 1. Ewan McGregor
    2. Jude Law
    3. Billy Crudup
    4. Hugh Jackman (as Wolverine)
    5. Britney Spears (as long as she doesn’t speak)

  • Jen

    Ooohhhh, Will Kemp!
    I love it when he shakes his ass.

  • Mike

    1. Jerry Falwell, 2. Bea Arthur, 3. The Osbournes’ dog, 4. Tyne Daly, and 5. Carrot Top

  • Amstershiresauce

    I briefly dated a mob-type thug. The mystique quickly wears off after about the 5th message on your answering machine demanding, “where the fuck are you?”
    You aren’t missing much, Dooce. You got yourself one of the good ones.

    crispin glover
    mandy patinkin
    james spader
    conan o’brien
    vin diesel

  • Cat

    Christine and Jen, you have great taste. Igor, even sex can get boring. Though somehow, lust never does.

  • 1. Mira Sorvino (in The Replacement Killers). 2. Portia de Rossi (in Ally McBeal). 3. Stockard Channing (in Six Degrees of Separation). 4. Jeri Ryan (in Voyager). 5. Angelina Jolie (in absolutely anything).

  • Angelique

    1. Brad Pitt (Interview w/Vampire only) 2. Patrick Stewart 3. Vin Diesel 4. Angie Everheart 5. Jaquin Pheonix

  • in a v particular order, vin diesel, matt damon, orlando bloom, elijah wood (yes, i am a pervy hobbit fancier) and that v hot boy from bend it like beckham. pwhoar!

  • I’m so glad Clve Owen is on your list.

  • 1. reese witherspoon 2. faith hill 3. winona ryder 4. martina mcbride 5. elizabeth filarski

  • 1) James Marsters
    2) Brad Pitt
    3) Nicolas Cage
    4) Vincent D’Onofrio
    5) Shania Twain (I’m not bi, but damn she’s HOT!)

  • Dammit, you’ve got me singing Dave Brubeck now.

    Oh, and any men struggling for inspiration on this should visit
    I managed to spend well over an hour there last night looking at all the pretty pictures.

  • Igor, you are right. What more woman would anybody want? That said, keep yer damn hands off my wife.

  • Wow my friends and I was just talking about this whole list thing on Friday… this took me awhile:

    1. Takeshi Kaneshiro
    2. Tupac
    3. Brad Pitt
    4. Gael Garcia Bernal
    5. Will Kemp

  • Matthew McConaughey, James Marsters, Patrick Stewart (circa end of Star Trek: TNG), Ewan McGregor, Harry Connick Jr.

  • Oh, damn, I forgot Viggo Mortensend and Sean Bean. I think I need more than 5…

  • mob muff

    of course women like James Gadolfini. he’s dirty, rough and dangerous. what’s not to like.

  • i, too, have had a list of five since the infamous friends ep several years back. i actually ran into one of my five while on a trip with a girlfriend. now that is a tough call to make to the boyfriend back home: “hey. um. you’ll never guess who i ran into at the blackjack table.” clooney
    2.jude law
    3.pierce brosnan
    4.hugh grant
    5.hugh jackman

  • Does noone want to sack Britney? Jeez… 1.Britney Spears 2. Halle Barry 3. Jennifer Aniston 4. Angelina Jolie 5. What the hell…Shannon Elizabeth. Those perfect donuts of silicone are yummy!

  • 1) brooke burke
    2) brooke burke (again)
    3) brooke burke (yet again).
    4) umm… u guessed it. Brooke Burke.
    5) d00ce (if you weren’t married…;)

  • 1. Penelope Cruz 2. Kirstin Dunst 3. Shiri Appleby 4. Audrey Tautou 5. That chick from ‘Sex & Lucia’

    4. TONY CURTIS, CIRCA 1960

  • 1. Judge Judy 2. Wolf Blitzer. Just them. They could fulfill my every fantasy.

  • 1. Ralph Fiennes
    2. Edward Norton
    3. Christopher Meloni
    4. Orlando Bloom
    5. Ewan McGregor

  • Michele

    Thanks Dooce! Will Kemp.
    Now I have to find a way to meet him….. 😉

  • I had a dream about shagging Audrey Tatou and my friend thought I was sick. Glad to see I’m not the only one.

  • OK, will kemp is far cuter all messied up than in those publicity shots, but he deserves a ‘Hot Damn!’ all the same.

  • In no particular order: George Clooney, Matthew McConaughey, Zach Braff (kid from Scrubs), Jesse Bradford (from Bring It On, Clockstoppers, etc.), and Joshua Jackson

    I may revise this list in the near future.

  • Robyn

    1. Ben Affleck
    2. Ethan Hawke
    3. Vince Vaughn (I don’t know why.)

    1. Jennifer Lopez
    2. Natalie Portman
    3. Kim Bassinger (something about her)

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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