An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

You Only Get Five

Ok. So. Jon and I were standing out in front of the apartment, waiting for the dog to go pee or something, something that the dog normally does outside the apartment. And while we were waiting we were sort of re-enacting a certain scene from “Moonlight Mile,” a movie we’d just seen the night before.

It’s a really great scene between an actress named Ellen Pompeo and Jake Gyllenhaal, whom we shall note is on my Five Fame Fuckers list allowed between any two people in a committed relationship.

And let me just take a moment to explain the Five Fame Fuckers list for those of you who don’t already have one: if you’re in a committed relationship, you’re allowed to compile a list of five people you’d like to sleep with, but the people on the list not only have to be celebrities, they also have to be celebrities you don’t know or wouldn’t ever happen to bump into, even in the most remote social situation. To make things fair, the person you’re in the committed relationship with gets to compile his/her own list. So, if you don’t have one, please do us all a favor and get one.

Although the details of this list really have nothing to do with this story, I’ll just go ahead and tell you my list as of today, this moment, as I am writing this, is as follows, in no particular order:

1. Jake Gyllenhaal
2. Ed O’Brien
3. Clive Owen
4. Benecio Del Toro
5. Brad Pitt

Now, before you go all rolling your eyes about the Brad Pitt thing, just be glad I didn’t include James Gandolfini, because I was this close to including James Gandolfini.

So Jon and I were standing there, miming this scene from Moonlight Mile — and have I mentioned just how scrumptious Jake Gyllenhaal looks in this movie, with the doe eyes and the buttery, knobby shoulders? — when this really expensive, sooooped up Lincoln Navigator pulls up, and it’s filled with people.

And the guy driving the Lincoln Navigator rolls down the window and he says, “Hey, excuse me, do you guys live around here? We’re doing a scavenger hunt and we’re wondering if you could help us out.” Now, I have to admit, I never thought I’d be approached in LA to help out with a scavenger hunt. In fact, I thought scavenger hunts were strictly a part of Mormon culture, something old, single Mormons did to meet and mix with other older, single Mormons.

But apparently, even people in LA who don’t look old, single or Mormon go scavenger hunting. So Jon and I are like, “Yes, we live around here, what do you need?” And he was like, “We need to take a picture of ourselves standing in someone else’s kitchen.” Now, Jon and I both used to be Mormon, so we know that that’s a stupid thing to have on a scavenger hunting list. If they had said, “We need to take a picture of ourselves naked in someone else’s kitchen sink, we would have more readily negotiated the terms of entry into our apartment.

So Jon says, “Nah, you know, we have an NDA on our kitchen,” thinking, I’m not letting this Netscape Navigator-driving idiot who obviously knows nothing about scavenger hunting anywhere near my home. But the guy is really persistent, using several, “Oh, come on’s” and “We’ll only be a second’s.”

And in the meantime, Chuck is going bananas, his tail wagging like a crazed propeller, his face the most precious combination of anticipation and curiosity. And the girls sitting in the backseat of the Navigator can’t resist him, and they open the door and begin cooing, which of course sends him over the edge and he runs straight at the car and lands head first into the bucket seat, right at about the ass of one Shannon Elizabeth.

So there, sitting in the backseat of this scavenger hunting Navigator is Nadia from “American Pie,” and she seriously looks like, wow, like, I bet millions of teenage boys have done things to themselves in her honor. And my dog has planted himself somewhere near her supple, shimmery legs. And I’m thinking, dude, our kitchen is your kitchen, so I say, “Come on up!”

So we go upstairs, and the whole time I’m thinking, Shannon Elizabeth is going to see the inside of my house, and I have a very hard time not shouting, “Shannon Fucking Elizabeth is going to see the inside of my house!” but we make it upstairs and we all stand in the middle of our kitchen, Jon on one side of Shannon Elizabeth, Chuck and I on the other side of Shannon Elizabeth, and one of the other cute, nubile girls, most likely one of Shannon Elizabeth’s best friends, takes a Polaroid, to prove to someone, someone I don’t know, someone very lucky indeed, that Shannon Fucking Elizabeth saw the inside of my house.

And the best part about it is that Chuck managed somehow in his sneaky little puppy way to lick Shannon Elizabeth’s face just as the flash on the Polaroid went *poof*.

Now, I don’t know, at least I don’t think that Shannon Elizabeth is anywhere on Jon’s Five Fame Fuckers list, at least technically she shouldn’t be because we did run into her in a very remote social situation, but I’d really make an exception for this one. I’m a good person that way.

  • I can’t believe it took over a day for somebody to say Shannon Elizabeth. Even if only for comical reasons (which mine are not).

  • I once did a full page of my top 20:

    but the top five are :
    1) Drew Barrymore
    2) Alyson Hannigan
    3) Natalie Portman
    4) Alyssa Milano
    5) Angelina Jolie

  • In an order that changes daily, — Paul Walker — Kirk Herbstreit — Heath Ledger –Scott Speedman (I love me some Ben from Felicity) — Ryan Phillippe

  • Replace Ryan Phillippe with Michael Vartan. Agent Vaughn makes me tingle…

  • Carrie

    Didja see this online gossip column that references the very same scavenger hunt that you found yourself in the middle of?

    A couple links into this article, under the subheading “Naked Dreamin'”, it reports that Shannon Elizabeth and pals decided to go naked in someone’s pool, instead of your kitchen.
    Just thought you’d like to know…

  • Zuchini

    1. Mira Sorvino
    2. Leah Remini
    3. Catherine Bell
    4. Rachel Lee Cook
    5. Jennifer Lopez

  • Ms. M

    1) James Marsters
    2) Vin Diesel
    3) David Boreanaz
    4) Hugh Grant
    5) Hugh Jackman

  • “… Netscape Navigator-driving idiot who …”


  • 1. Bruce Willis (Moonlighting/Die Hard) era
    2. John Cusack
    3. Hugh Jackman
    4. George Clooney
    5. Lenny Kravitz

  • 1. Jason Statham 2. Barry Pepper 3. Brad Pitt 4. Vin Diesel 5. Toby Maguire

  • A little late on the draw here, but here are my 5: 🙂
    1. Noah Wyle 2. Erik Palladino 3. Jason Wiles 4. Jon Stewart 5. Eddie Ciberian

  • cam

    oh dees r real ppl
    1.jauna d.c.
    2.ashley b.t.
    3.darcie h.
    4.teara c.
    5.anna e.c.

  • The Kid

    1. Tom Welling (Yeah)
    2. Hayden Christensen
    3. Ryan Phillipe
    4. Lenny Kravitz (Oh wow)
    5. Vin Diesel

  • Lady C

    1.) Harrison Ford 2.) Jodie Foster 3.) Denzel Washington 4.) Adam Vinatieri 5.) Julianne Moore. A nicely diverse list.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

read more