An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Do I Look Like I Speak Spanish?

I know that what I’m about to say is going to cause all sorts of hissy fits, and people are going to get all fussy and up in my business, but what’s the point of a personal website if I can’t whine?

It’s just, the only Spanish I know I learned from The Simpsons and Sesame Street, and so if you’re looking at me like I’m crazy because I don’t know what you mean when you say “ocho,” the look I’m giving you is, “Repeat it all you want lady, but I’ve got to count to ten in Spanish silently on my fingers in order to figure out how many fingers equals your ocho.”

By the time I get to eight you’re so upset with me that now you’re offering only “cinqo,” which, luckily, I remember is only five, so I tell you, “No mi gusta.” Trouble is, I knew a guy in college who spent two Mormon years in Brazil so don’t think I don’t know that you just told me to kiss your ass.

No, no besa su culo, or however you say it, you bitch.

I’m not having a garage sale so that I can just give away all this stuff. I know people are used to getting things for pennies at little sales like this, but I paid $279.99 for that chair a year ago, and you can’t have it for cinqo. Or for “Ocho! Ocho! Ocho!” for that matter.

Maybe for “Ocho!” times cinqo, but I’m not budging.

So two hours later I sell it to another lady for tres, and after she’s thrown it into the back of her van she has her kid ask me in English, “Hey, woman, what happened to the wheels that are supposed to be on the bottom of this chair?” And the lady is glaring at me like I just took her for a fool, that somehow, giving her a one-year old chair from the Pottery Barn for only three dollars I was violating the garage sale code of ethics.

And you know, any morsel of humanity left in my little Anglo-bones left me for that particluar instant and I shot that kid a bilingual bird, and said, * “J’ai pas moi!” “J’sais pas moi!”

*oops! I hate it when I’m a stupid American.



  • I hate comments that have shit in them like 1), and 2), and “furthermore.” A cheap ass bitch is a cheap ass bitch in any language.

  • So, Radar, do you have any real opinions about the conversation?

    Dooce, you so shouldn’t have changed your French phrase. Unless you really are a stupid Unitedstatesian, in which case, rock on, sister!

  • I think that you ought to come live here, where you have to dicker with ouraggressive Ukrainian immigrants…we Americans are not used to bargaining. If they smell weakness, they go for the throat.

  • I had a garage sale this weekend. I am sad that it wasn’t this much fun!

  • oh, oh, one more: Jena Malone. did you see her in “Life As A House”? too cute.

  • smark

    it’s a spirited debate, radar. if we all kissed her ass like yourself, it would get a bit crowded at her colon. “di-fucking-dactic” – that is classic. if i ever steal that, i promise to give credit.

  • i think its hilarious that people are breaking this down with all their well thought out opinions

  • Mat

    After perusing these comments, it appears many of your readers have yet to master their native language, let alone learn a couple of simple phrases in another. One doesn’t even have to scratch the surface to find fault in such borish, self-actualized, and smug jerks; it’s all right there on the surface. Trying to cover up this ignorace with sneering “irony” and arrogant and condescending sarcasm only makes people look dumber and less appealing.

    Ugly Americans indeed…

  • Emily

    Jeepers Creepers – a $279 Pottery Barn Chair for $3! Try eBay next time!!!!!!

  • yard sales didn’t bother me until i moved into my new neighborhood, where people have yard sales on the small patches of grass in front of their 6 unit apartment buildings, attracting roving bands of families in rusted blue ford aerostars circa 1988 choking up the already narrow streets between melrose and beverly.

    look, i don’t want any of your rack of flowery dresses or your swedish semi-disposable furniture or your old callanetics tapes, i’ll give you the $50 that you might have made that day to take them to goodwill. until then, wait til you have a goddamn yard.

    estate sales are a different story.

  • There are a lot of acutely humorless people who live to lecture bloggers on perceived insensitivity. Do what I do, Dooce: offer ’em up a nice warm plate of “I Don’t Give A Fuck.”

  • “Ignorace”, huh, Mat? I guess some of us DO need to master our own language.

  • Also, does it occur to anyone else as stupid that Dooce got a lecture in cultural sensitivity for merely suggesting the barterer use english numbers at a US yard sale? I’m willing to bet she also would have gotten a lecture for using English numbers to barter at a vendor’s booth in a Latin American country. So basically, cultural sensitivity = Shut up, Gringo.

  • I’ll Tell You Later ;-)

    Ok, I was born in South America, so I speak Spanish and I found your entry quite hilarious. I certainly don’t understand why some people took it so wrong and got offended. I mean, you’re not bitching about the speaking spanish world, are you?

    And it’s: “No ME gusta” 😉

  • Kevin from Seattle

    Umm…Heather was being humorous. It’s something she has a talent for. The political correctness-prone should probably know better than to look at dooce in the first place. Humor, as those persons who care about it understand, is no respecter of persons or propriety. The problem is that wit is always wasted on the witless. Those of us old enough to remember the shitstorm of controversy when Randy Newman released “Good Old Boys” back in the dawn of time can tell you many stories about dimbulbs bitching about a joke that went over their heads. And you know what they say to those who can’t take a joke, K?


    Anyone who thinks that the people of Trinidad and Tobago are all called something along the lines of “Trinidad and Tobagans” has no right telling Dooce she’s a “Unitedstatesian.” Try it at another cocktail party, you pompous jackass.

  • “Being a SoCal girl myself, I know what you mean. I sometimes forget what country I’m in because everyone around me is speaking Spanish and looking at me like I’m some idiot tourist.”

    Funny. I could have sworn California was a part of MEXICO way before it was a part of the US. Get over it.

  • Xenophobic white Guy NOt from socal but living there

    I think Sarahs opinion of your sitution is a) Full of self loathing for all the terrible things that have happened to minority cultures or b) Full of self pity because everyone wants to strip her of the one thing that truly ties her with her roots. One or the other makes no difference. A person has the right to get pissed off for whatever reason they can dream of and if one can make light of the situation it means that they realize faults on both sides. Thats healthy xenophobic would have been to post a sign saying “YARD SALE WHITES ONLY”.

  • Xenophobic White Guy

    And NOOO I dont use spelling or grammar check and rarely proof-read, isn’t it obvious?

  • Alien Observer

    Now that was a good read!

  • r3

    If I were to move to Germany, I would make damn sure to learn German. I don’t think anyone would excuse an attitude of “I’m not learning German–these people can just understand my English”.

    Anyone moving to the U.S. who refuses to even try to learn English needs to LEAVE.

  • josh

    Oh, i know this is so after the topic has died, but am I the only one who caught how hilarious mule-rider’s comment was?!

    He rails on Dooce’s “camouflaged racism” and then says, “Your defensiveness really stinks of unrepentant Mormon smugness.”

    How awesome is that?!

    “Don’t be a racist, you dirty jew!”

    Mule-Driver rocks!

  • Zan

    I love watching these verbal “food fights.”

    I’ve been all over the world, and pretty much the universal thought is, “take some time and learn some of the language if your’re visiting, all of it if you’re staying.” So what’s the deal with spanish in the US of A? The idea that we all need to be bilingual so that we can order our Big Macs (I hate that) at McDonalds.

    Even here in Minnesota, it’s getting out of hand. You want to stay, learn the G-D language. I personally speak 3 languages (not at the same time, mind you) and it’s worth the effort. But spot-on, Dooce, have ’em be fair. DOn’t curse at me in your language, ‘cuz we all tend to learn the dirty stuff first and we’ll know what you are saying.

    As for the garage sale, well, I hate having them, love shopping them. I’m one of those suckers who believes that the sticker is more than a suggestion.

    Love the new look. I’ve not visited in a while.

  • nana

    she do not have to said it like holl back!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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