Best way to roast the broomstick. Must try. Five Stars.

Penisary Contact With the Volvo

Today’s post has nothing to do with that title, it’s just I can’t get that phrase out of my head. Sometimes it’s the word “avuncular” or “gesticulatory” or “bukkake Asian facial.” Last week I couldn’t stop singing The Osmond’s “Pine Cones And Holly Berries” from The Osmond Family Christmas.

But the Osmonds have nothing to do with today’s post either, although who wouldn’t love a hot expletive-laden Osmond blog entry?

I’m going to have “hot expletive-laden Osmond” stuck in my head all day.

Today’s post is about my friend Kathy and how it came to pass that I, Dooce, am driving this car in this exact color:

I’ve written things on this website before, things that have really gotten me into lots of trouble with real people in my life, as opposed to internet people in my life. Like, friends have read things here and been reality-mad at me, not just internet-mad at me, and I’m here to testify that reality-mad is a lot worse than internet-mad.

Reality-mad can cost you your job, for instance, or cause your father to refer to you as “a vile and disgusting creature.”

And even though I know these things, that this website had caused oodles of reality-madness, that people I know in reality know about this website and read it and wait for the moment that they recognize themselves in a character on this page, that they have said to me with pained trepidation, Heather, please, for the love of God, don’t write about this on your website-thing, I have to comment on this. God wants me to comment on this.

And as I’m sitting here writing this I realize that I can’t comment on this and that maybe the reason I’ve got all this “penisary contact with the volvo” jibberish in my head is because my body is going into automatic self-preservation mode because it knows that the last thing I need right now is more reality-madness.

What do you have stuck in your head?

  • Glen

    another thought. what’s stuck in my head is some line from a dana carvey stand up routine “She’s choppin’ broccoli… she’s choppin’ she’s chopping she’s choppin’ she chop she chop chop chop ch ch ch d d d d d d d d choppin’ broccoli…”

  • Some Chick
  • PJ

    Ever since I read an article about the amazing properties of soy, I cannot stop thinking what a stupid word ‘edamame’ is, and even more stupidly, how it is pronounced: ‘ed-da-mom-may’.

  • I’ve had that damned ‘Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows’ song stuck in my head for about a year now. That, and testicular tubules. And tweezers.

  • Excuse my while I use up my foul language quotient for the year.

    I think bukkake will replace fuck as my explative of choice.

    The Escape Club song “Wild Wild West” is the only thing that gets stuck in my head.

    Michele would be happy to know my brother’s college nickname was Penis Nipple.

    Sarah B, I see your Dirty Sanchez, hotcarl, snowball, donkeypunch,mummyclub, felch, and raise you an ever expanding list someone placed on my site… feel free to add more.

    and is ‘applicable’ Ahh- plicable, or APPlicable?


  • Zeek

    Dave’s stuck in the T section of the dictionary.

    I think I miss your reading suggestions. Beyond that, my thoughts are stuck on test bars this morning.
    Words I hate today:
    * Luncheon
    * Workplace
    * Gift
    * Conveniently and easily (in that sequence)

    Also wondering what a lawyer is trying to say about his firm by branding it on a yo-yo…

  • I hate to say this, but just when I thought I followed what Dooce had to say, she goes and changes the rules. Huh?

  • damn those dancing bananas. they get stuck in your head every time.

  • I was sorry to hear about all the trouble you had in reality over something that brought so much joy to your fans.

    I share your frustration at wanting to post something so bad but knowing I can’t.

  • Wankel Rotary Engine… can’t get it out of my head…. or that new song by Santana with Michele Branch, “The Game of Love”

  • Igor

    Really sorry to hear about all the bad karma you’ve been getting over this fabulous institute but if you wanted to talk about Kathy having sex in the car you should be free to say so.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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