An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Oh, Lordy

When Jon and I first started dating we made each other promise that 1) we’d never go back to the Mormon church and 2) we’d never live in Utah again. It’s safe to say that if you don’t do one of these things, you won’t likely do the other one. Mormons are Utah. Utah is Mormons.

Three months into this marriage and we’re already breaking one of our solemn promises: Jon and I are moving back to Utah.

The Lord can’t be happy with us.

So, Lord, I present to you the following reasons why Jon and Heather need to move back to Utah:

– Heather wants to have a baby and if there ever were a place on earth where people know how to have babies that place would be colonized by Mormons.
– Chuck needs a backyard and the average price of a backyard in Los Angeles is $480,000.
– Jon and I are down to our last couple dollars and a gallon of milk in Utah costs less than a couple dollars.
– My mother, the Avon World Sales Leader, lives in Utah and can give us free shampoo.
– They have weather in Utah.
– My sister’s hair lives in Utah.

We’re not sure exactly when this move will take place, only that it has to take place within the next 30 to 60 days. Which means I get 30 to 60 days to squeeze every last ounce of sin from the luscious limbs of Los Angeles.

First on our to-do list is renting a U-haul and stocking it to the ceiling with coffee and shlitz malt liquor.

Second, you need to talk me out of this.

  • Jen

    What about the stairs? Where are you going to excercise?

  • Bahh. Dooce and Blurb want to take the next step. And LA is for: people to sow their wild oats from early-20s to mid-30s; people who work in “the business” [there’s no business like it]; people who like living on a purely “surface” level.
    And Portland, OR has too many goddamn hippies for anyone to stand.

  • Bring on the Postum and Freshca!

  • I live in Utah and also was raised Mormon. Utah has changed and it’s not so overrun these days by the whole church…although it may seem that way at times. I’m leaving Utah in 67 days for bigger and better. Perhaps you should rethink going to Utah and coming with me to raise your pups on the beach in Costa Rica!

  • Ok, so I get to reset reality here!! Go where your heart and pocketbook lead you, but LEAVE somewhere we can find it!!

  • Oh sister- I understand your stated reasons- however, I have to stand with several others and point out that there are lots of other affordable, still desirable locales where you can have a fun life and still afford babies and a yard for Chuckles.
    From your descriptions of your family interactions it does sound as though you’d have to expend a huge amount of energy just to continue being who you manifestly are in the face of a large amount of social pressure. My experience with Mormon culture is vicarious through friends and an ex- boyfriend, but all of them struggled hugely to keep their sense of integrity and self identity intact when their choices differed from the party line, as it were. The pressure to conform was like nothing I’ve ever seen- Catholic guilt does not even begin to approach it. Good luck, whatever you decide.

  • ARGH! Utah make Hulk angry! Dooce make critical mistake moving to Mormon-land! Make Hulk want to smash!

  • I think you know in your heart that a move to Utah will mean that you will eventually be living a lifestyle which caused you to move from there in the first place. Before you know it, you will once again be Morman, and soon husband will have four other wives and you will be sacrificing chickens.

  • Me

    We’re thinking of doing the same. Moving to Utah with our stash of Olde English, getting sh*tfaced and bukkaking everyone in sight!

  • wanna get high

    reasons la is better than utah.

    -per capita the most beautiful looking people on the planet.
    -vegas is closer
    -better totally nude joints
    -weed is easier to score
    -u can be totally insane & fit right in
    -dress code? what dress code
    -home of the world champions la lakers
    -shaq & ozzie resides here
    -if u happen to get a divorce 1/2 of his is yours
    -more murders occur here (drive by shootings got envogue here for christ sake)
    -higher salaries & better jobs (u think u can get a personal assistant job in utah?)
    -bukowski lived here
    -it’s la la land
    -they sell crack on the streets

  • What caused us to leave UT? .com jobs. Leaving the church is another matter altogether.
    Salt Lake is 50/50 mo/nomo. Salt Lake has the beer/pizza movie thing. Salt Lake has cheap housing. Salt Lake has .com jobs. Salt Lake was where we did this.
    The other thing is that the powder is about 30 minutes away. And not crap powder, either.
    You people think we don’t have spines? You think we are that weak? HA! Me and Chuck are laughing at you right now from atop the 16 palettes of Ketel One.

  • I wholeheartedly support Cindi’s suggestion. Costa Rica is an excellent place to live. Cheap, tranquil and pretty well wired. Oh, and the beaches are fantastic. It’s not a great place to be an inmate, but it sure beats LA for living.

  • talk you out of it?
    secret. underwear.
    that is all.

  • Ultimately, you will find that if you can be happy living somwhere you can be happy living anywhere. The bottom line is that you make your life happy, the place you live does not.

  • I hear you, sister. The same reason I moved from LA back to the Bay Area (too expensive), and then why we finally made the move to leave the state altogether. We want all of the things you and Jon want, and we are so much closer to getting it now. It was a hard decision and a hard move (I left my family, he came to some family so I guess it could be worse), but ultimately it will be worth it for us.

    And hey, look at all the Portland people here! I am now in Portland too, I cannot really say I totally miss CA (except for my family). This move was definitely worth it.

    Also, Dooce – you will notice that the cost of taking a U-Haul out of CA is about 10x more than taking it in. Frustrating yes – the move was quite expensive for us (considering the whole reason to move was to save money, buy a house, and have kids!) but I think it will be good for you two (and Chuck). Good luck to you and may it be a smooth and easy transition.

  • Lynn

    Oh wow. Does this mean you’ll have 8 kids in 5 years? I’m sensing yes — I know nary a Morm who’s not been ‘washed upon moving out there. Good luck, good luck.

    Lemme pose this question, though — if you weren’t Mormons, and your family weren’t (i.e. they didn’t live there), where else would you choose to embark on your new adventure?

  • d

    From reading your posts over a series of months, I think you would do just fine in Utah. I don’t see you being assimilated like some weak-minded people. You know you aren’t into that “thing” and you won’t fall for it. As a whole, Mormon’s are nice people. They are generally giving and kind. However, don’t move to a small town in Utah. It seems small-town Mormon’s are very protective of “their town” and seriously run out people they don’t want there. Don’t know if they do the same for non-Mormons, but I’ve heard of them doing it to multiple Mormon families. Which makes 0 sense to me, wouldn’t you want more of “YOUR KIND” around not less? Anyway, I digress.. Utah, like someone mentioned, is not as bad as it used to be. The population in SLC is 50/50 like The Husband said, so it’s not a majority like it once was. Since the Olympics, the place has changed and the people have realized there is another world out there. Yes, in SLC you will see Temple Square from just about any place. But you can buy a coffee, drink beer and so “real” movies there as well. One tip: don’t move to Provo. I visited there last year and it is quite the hokey town. They played about 3 movies, all of which were edited to “G” rating and everything shuts down Saturday night around 10. Try getting some gas. It took us forever to find someplace that was open. Whatever you decide, please keep posting here. We will miss you if you leave (again).

  • Two words: San Francisco

    The average price of a back yard here is only $479,999.

  • Mal

    The hub is right, except that now the mo/nomo stats from SLC edge more toward 40/60 and will, in the next 5-10 years, approach 30-70. Plus, three words: skanky dyke bars. It’s all about raising babies on 3300 South, kids. Check into it.

  • You were Mormon? This makes this webpage that much better.

  • Dave Thomas

    Some of you aren’t getting it. The Blurbo-Dooces LIVED IN UTAH. They’ve lived in several Utahn cities, including Salt Lake and Provo. They’ve visited more small Utah towns than most card-carrying polygamists. What’s more, they’ve both been Mormon. In short, there’s nothing any of you can tell them about Utah or Mormons. What’s next? You going to warn Martians about the dangers of radiation exposure and red dirt?

  • excuse the fuck out of me…

  • That was funny – the link. Although my coworkers were a little, how shall I say – disturbed?


    The only arguments I could provide against moving from L.A. would be the things I’d miss: KCRW, the sunlight on a “winter” afternoon when it’s 72 degrees, random weirdness (ever have your best friend’s mother, a Brentwood housewife, try to get you to start taking blue-green algae for your health?), being able to drive from sandy beaches to snowy mountains in two hours, Tuk Tuk Thai on Pico, Illiterature and Pulp on La Brea, LACMA, MOCA, the scary hooker that hangs out in front of the Salvation Army downtown that has a good $1 vinyl selection, the Huntington Gardens in Pasadena, tan toes, Angelyne sightings, the hamburgers at Father’s Office on Montana, the Barnes & Nobles at the Grove (no, it’s not just any Barnes & Noble — oh no), the scent of night jasmine, birds of paradise in my front yard, Amoeba Records, a summer concert at the Hollywood Bowl, Sunset Junction in Silverlake, sadly reflecting that my hands are the same size as Marilyn Monroe’s (and I’m a man) at Mann’s Chinese Theatre, the 10 freeway at midnight, fireworks in the Marina, Griffith Observatory and the gates at Paramount and that fabulous sign for the real estate development called “Hollywoodland” … I could go on and on. It’s so expensive to live here because it’s so many people’s dream to be here. Not everyone’s, and some very nasty, unstable, cruel people at that — but I wouldn’t trade it, at this point in my life, for anywhere else in the world.

  • Come to Canada! With those $2 you could buy something snazzy — and you wouldn’t have to suffer through Shlitz!

  • Dave Thomas

    Well, whoever you are, you have a point. After all, Dooce asked to be talked out of it. There’s just a lot of suppozin’ and conjecturizin’ and whatnot from some not-well-informed circles. Who am I to object?

  • oh god don’t. at least visit regions north. portland is great, seattle is great, vancouver even, is great! i was born in LA and grew up mostly in Huntington Beach. i can’t stand southern california anymore, but UTAH?!!! no no no. having a baby isn’t enough reason to throw your life away. if you’re too depressed to get up in the morning, no one will be happy.

    move, by all means, move, just move to someplace reasonable.

  • anna

    i just moved from atlanta (LA of the south) to arkansas (utah of the south) and i like it just fine.

    go – have a baby. love your dog. take some AWESOME photos on the way there. and remember: you can always move back.

    or whatever.

  • deadking

    what the hell i guess your promises aren’t worth much

  • Well…I don’t think I will be able to talk you out of it beacause my wife and I may be in the same boat soon.
    We live north of LA and have a baby coming in a couple months and are also contemplating a move to Utah for similar reasons. Her family lives out there and we are damn near broke.
    Good luck, maybe we can all hang out and drink beer & coffee in secret.

  • Zeek

    I’m with Dennis on this one – the sticker price on Toronto real estate is about half that of LA, and given that the C$ is just about on par with the peso…
    Also – great summers, all the gross weather you can handle come winter, and only 45 minutes to the snowbelt for snowboarding/blading/skiing.
    AND (added bonus) “dry county” is a completely foreign concept (I actually had to get someone to explain it to me).
    I’m afraid your sister’s hair doesn’t live here though. Hmm…

  • I’m applying for a job in Boulder, CO….CO is cool…so is MT…I miss Bozeman, great family town and the mountain is 16 miles from town and the midwife in the town rocks! My back yard in LA only cost 280k, but i haven’t met many parents that i like.

  • Come on back Dooce. This is the most beautiful place in the world.

  • Don’t do it Dooce. I am living vicariously through your stories of L.A. Your brushes with fame, etc. First your indie cred, now this?! Your cool quotient is plummeting. You can’t afford to do this to yourself. 😉

  • Sure, bukkake might be legal, but think, no oral sex. That means no getting either. Quite frankly, that’s reason enough for me to never even visit Utah. I wonder if they were busting people in hotel rooms during the Olympics. Hmm.

  • When California got too expensive for me, I moved to Hawai`i. It’s not that much cheaper, but at least if you end up homeless you won’t starve or freeze.

  • ooh, man. Don’t do it. I lived in Ogden, Utah for all of eight months and I thoroughly regret each one. Bad food. Stupid alcohol laws and watered down alcohol, everyone Mormon and completely not understanding of those who aren’t – especially those who have left Mormonism… I am sure I don’t need to go on. You both know all this. Please don’t go!

  • Well, at least Utah will provide a myriad of new material for the site.

  • Born and raised in Ogden, UT. Utah has screwed up politics and growing up there as a non-Mormon can be difficult. On the other hand, it’s beautiful, has a very strong non-Mormon culture , and -gasp- can be a really nice place to live. Honestly. Most people really have no damn idea. It would be like saying “Boston?! Hell, you can’t move to Boston! There are Catholics there!” Also, while I agree with ericalynn that Ogden is a culinary wasteland, it is home to my very favorite microbrewery: Roosters on 25th St. Go to SLC to go out for dinner. Did I mention the skiing? Good luck in the move.

  • ChrisWhere else can you get a 2 bedroom apartment for 425 dollars a month? Answer, Arcata California….

  • How could you move from where it all happens to where it never happens? DON’T GO!!!!!

    I must admit though, I have often wondered how anyone could ever afford to live out there. WTF is up with the high ass CA prices?


    Well, I used to LOVE Portland. But now it’s a piece of poo, IMHO.

    Second-worst unemployment in the country, rain out the ass, etc.

    Sure, it’s got Stephen Malkmus, artiness to spare and a nice feel and awesome urban planning. But it’s also got an overwhelming expanse of rednecks and the houses are expensive. Shopping for a house, I ended up in “Felony Flats,” which is a redneck ghetto with gravel/dirt roads in the midst of the city. Very “progressive.”

    Finally, with a 26% tax BEFORE income taxes on the plate potentially due to the up-for-vote legislation to socialize medicine, you gotta think twice about the fact that “high achievers” and the types that are exceptionally skilled will leave while the state gets invaded by basket cases from around the country looking for cheap medical care.

    Portsburgh indeed.

  • Chukee

    I think Utah sounds wonderful. Wonderful because you can actually consider buying a house in the Avenues – it won’t cost $480,000 unless it has six bedrooms (not uncommon in Utah).
    Wonderful because no one drives an Audi TT and complains about how down she is because her Daddy can’t get her a newer one. Wonderful because generic cola comes in 3-liter bottles. Wonderful because I once bought an apple green cashmere coat at the DI for $8 (Utah has the best vintage).
    My husband and I are designers in Venice who are actively marketing to overseas clients, so that we can move to Utah without anyone noticing. (I think we will go to Logan.)

    Neither of us are LDS. He has lived there before, and I love it there. Besides, nowhere else is it so easy to be an “individual”.

  • guess i won’t be going anymore, thanks for the advice!

  • Brook

    I live in LA so I’ve always related to your weblog. I even saw you once at Starbucks, but I didn’t say anything. It was just like when you saw Giovanni Ribisi in the elevator at the Sunset 5. It’s not polite to bother celebrities. You’re a celebrity in my book. It was the Sunset 5, wasn’t it. You didn’t mention the theater in the post but I knew it. See what I mean. If you go to Utah I’m going to be lost. I think Utah is a very bad place, don’t go there. It’s bad.

  • All I know about Utah, other than “Shake out that sleeping bag, man. There might be a scorpion or two in it,” is that the fine on my speeding ticket was pretty small, considering how fast I was going. Good luck on the move.

  • Utah has beautifull countryside. Reminds me of my home country. Also as a snowboarding fanatic, i just gotta love UTAH (snoooow). Other than that, i don’t know much about mormons or the stupidity of common folk.

  • brent

    hurry your asses up, snow’s comin!
    dave, i love you
    my dogs live in my yard. chuckles can visit.

  • FUCK! I finally get out to L.A. and you’re moving away? This sucks. Do NOT rent from U-Haul. They are evil. They almost stranded me on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere for a night. Both the trucks they gave me broke down. Full details of my U-Haul hell — which only occurred last week — are available on my site or by request. And hey, any chance I’ll get to meet you & the husband before you leave?

  • I LOVE Utah, I am not a mormon. I was just in Park City as a matter of fact!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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