An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

A Song About Moving

So the moving people who have all of our stuff, including our computers with our hard drives containing all of the data we need in order to work with our existing freelance clients, these movers, these people who hold hostage my lovely velvet couch and my summer clothing with the pretty delicate stitching and every journal I’ve kept since I was four years old, even the one where I write all of my R’s backwards, they haven’t arrived in Utah yet. They were supposed to be here last Wednesday, and then they said Friday, definitely Friday, but then all of a sudden it would have to be Sunday, no later than Sunday.

Well, by my calculations, Sunday was yesterday, and we haven’t heard a single word from these terrorists. And I know I should just be patient and that other people in this world have it much, much worse. But I haven’t told you the part about how these mover people said it was going to cost one thing, but really, in real life, it’s going to cost us triple that one thing. And it wouldn’t be so bad if, say, that one thing had been $6, because then we’d only have to pay $18. But let’s suppose, and I’m only supposing here, that the one thing was actually $1800. I don’t know about you, but I’ve got a spare $5400 in coinage just lying around, in the pockets of my pants and in the cup holder of my car, it’s just going to be a bitch to gather it all up and count it.

Then there’s the part where they charged us an extra $700 for packing supplies, after we’d packed up everything that we thought was packable. I guess everything we thought was packable didn’t include everything, because people, they packed everything. They put our 11 foot by 4 foot bedroom rug into a box. They put the futon matress into a box. They put boxed-up books into another fucking box.

So I’m trying to remain calm. I’m trying not to react as violently as I did when the locksmith came to open the storage unit that morning in Los Angeles, and after three days of not sleeping and three days of my dog not eating and three days of putting my entire life into small cardboard boxes, I took a look inside that storage unit, realized that we had an entire other apartment to put into small cardboard boxes, and collapsed into a twitching, drooling and writhing beast.

But if these mover people don’t call within the next 30 seconds, and I’m counting down right now, they are so gonna wish that they hadn’t encountered this volatile former Mormon from Memphis who isn’t so concerned about her eternal salvation and whether or not God is watching.

  • Fer Chrissakes, who is this moving company? Let us know so we can avoid them.

  • Shanni: NEVER will I use U-Haul again. After the hell they put me through last month, I will never ever ever rent from U-Haul ever again, and I’m recommending to everyone I talk to that they avoid U-Haul as well.

  • Igor

    I like the swearing in the graphic. It’s so contemporary US.
    On the movers : they’re probably part of the Family themselves. Threatening them is like making a housecall at a good friend’s place : hey, we’ve been there, come on in.
    Your only recourse would be an ironclad contract which I fondly hope you have. Other than inflicting serious bodily harm I don’t honestly believe you can persuade these people. Do you have any family in South Central, LA ? I’m moving at the end of the month myself but nobody, I mean NOBODY is touching my computer but me. I’m not moving far, I’ll take all the small stuff with me so there’s nothing for the movers to steal. The rest is some big pieces of furniture which I can’t possibly move myself.
    Here’s another suggestion, more practical perhaps : just follow the truck. Tell them you’re right behind them “To show you the way”. If movers in the US are that unreliable that’s what I would do. And I would rather burn their truck than ante up PriceToMoveYour.Stuff = PriceToMoveYour.Stuff * 3. But you need a contract to prove it. All the best, girl.

  • Jwes

    Dooce, not sure how you feel about this, and I don’t mean to offend, Buuut….I’m sure a few of your viewers wouldn’t mind throwing a couple of bucks your way to help defray the cost of the robbery. I’ve gotten more than my share of laughs, more even than your average movie and that cost eight bucks. I don’t mind paying a little for my entertainment, just this once. A PayPal donation thing would be easy enough to set up. Just a thought.

  • Phoebe

    D. What company is this? I just moved from Seattle to NYC last month (Seattle’s not as cool as it seems, btw) and the SAME exact thing happened to us! Triple the price, had to have them repack everything and the delays. Apparently, they legally have 21 business days to get to you, but be careful, cuz they won’t let you know in advance when they’ll be there. And if you don’t have the $$ cash on you exactly when they arrive, they’ll put the stuff in storage, start the 21-day clock over again and charge you $100 a DAY for storage fees! AND when they did arrive, some stuff was missing, other stuff broken and there’s little chance we’ll ever see reimbursement. Feel free to email me if you want more info.

  • when we moved from california to idaho, a very similar situation befell us.

    instead of renting a u-haul (my choice), my fil insisted on using this friend of his who was is the shipping business to ship all of our stuff on a truck. it took motherfucking forever, and they busted stuff.

    girl, i feel your pain.

  • I know you are paying triple, but you can’t blame the movers for not wanting to come to Utah.

  • I can’t believe you trusted a *velvet* couch to those heathens. They probably stopped every hundred miles to drag it out of the back of the van and sit on it naked. That’s what I would do.

  • Movers blow the big one. If you have a written estimate, though, you should have a leg to stand on, and they can stuff their extra 3 grand up their nose. Bah.

  • You have my deepest sympathies. Ugghh. What a racket. Holding your material life hostage.

    I just completed a move from Denver to Baltimore (!) and used a you-pack/we-ship company. That turned out suprisingly well. In retrospect, I’m glad I didn’t go with Greedy Slack-jawed Yokel Moving Company ™ – my other choice.

  • the movers obviously don’t know that they’re dealing with a cult leader. offer them some kool aid after the unloading is complete. and if any of your shit is broken or missing, send some d00ce aid to the mover’s HQ. -jp

  • That little holiday Dooce graphic is the cutest.

  • anything to do with packing, moving, buying a home, unpacking – well, makes me twitch. i moved a year and a half ago and am still not recovered from all the bullshit. love the new graphic! 🙂

  • exsouthern babtist

    Dooce, do you realize the impact you can have on this moving company with this many people checking your site? Getty up and GO! Set the wheels into motion…whatever you do …don’t back down for a second.

  • couldn’t help but think of you when i was just out for lunch downtown SLC and saw like 4 moving trucks…hope one of them was on their way to you!

  • Matt Seesquared

    Well we’ll have to chat. We went through something like this when we moved from DC to CA, and the end result was NOT good (you haven’t even reached the end yet). I sued the bastards, and won, but of course they were scum and we never saw any money. But there IS a happy ending! The mover spent 10 days in jail for defrauding OTHER clients AND he was fined over $10,000 by the Federal Motor Carrier Safety Administration (the FMCSA sucks ass though; I’ll fill you in if you want).

  • You know, living in the US really sucks because of things like that. You really hold so little leverage against the tide of that screwed up society. You should move.

  • Rob

    Your account grabbed me by the short ones. My wife & I recently moved into our first home and had a similar experience — all the bullshit, the scams, the lies, the way-low estimates, the holding hostage of your shit, all of it. Worst part is, every single day I pass their storage warehouse on my way into the city. Every damn day, I’m greeted by the company logo of those thieving hooligans, an unfurled banner that exclaims “Father & Son Moving & Storage”. What a joke.

    Thanks for sharing.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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