This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

What’s Grosser than Gross?

Please indulge me this juvenile activity. I’m counting on you people to come up with something so sick and diseased that I can’t help but think that the sickness I feel right now is in some way a blessing. I’ll start with a couple of my favorites, the ones I used to repeat over and over at the back of the bus on the way to 7th grade:

Two Siamese twins stuck together by the mouth and one throws up.

Sticking a toothpick underneath your toenail and kicking a wall.

  • not having the scrumptious bearded husband around to hold your hair as you you vomit berry flavored vomit and run to the store at midnight to buy you cold medicine to dry your nasal cavities that are filled with mucus that more closely resembles peanut butter.

  • or how about 24 hours of competitive sumo bukkake.

    (shudder)

  • or fluffing for ron jeremy.

    (double shudder)

  • L.A. Grump

    Moving to Utah.

  • Me

    Why, I’ve compiled a list with pictures for you dear.

  • puke. puke. puke.

    thanks to the person with the jumper site… sweet dreams, everyone

  • B!

    eating a light bulb slowly… and finding some crunchy in your coffee only to realize you have half a roach at the bottom [true story – not to me thankfully].

  • 1) Jumping of a table with a wooden broomstick up your butt.

    2) (From an actual suicide attempt) Pausing halfway through trying to cut your hand off to walk into the kitchen in order to sharpen the knife.

  • Your Correctional Officer

    -Flossing your ass with barbed wire.

    -Jumping off the Empire State Building and catching your eyelid on a nail

    -Similarly, jumping naked off said building and catching the ridge of Mr. Happy’s Helmet on said nail.

    -Rosie O’Donnel straining on the toilet.

    -Blowtorch on eyeballs make them pop! (not that I would know personally, but it’s been done in prison riots)

  • Recipe:

    1 flexed throat tendon (flex your neck and see the little tendons stick out?)

    1 single hole paper punch

    Flex neck.
    Locate tendon.
    Punch.
    Repeat.

  • i did come horribly close to someone puking in my mouth while making out with them. luckily she wasn’t my grandmother (or grandfather, for that matter)

  • Dave Thomas

    ‘Splain to me, all you “Jumping Off Empire State Building and Catching Eyelid on Nail” types: If I’m falling from the Empire State building, what the hell could I possibly care about a little ocular nail snag? Wouldn’t the scenario be much more harrowing if I were just walking down the street when suddenly, for no reason, my eyelid is ripped from its morrings by an errant spike or brad? Or better, if I were laying dreamily in a hammock, sipping lemonade with mint sprig, and then this real bitchy, rusty-ass nail up and gouges at my unsuspecting lid? Doesn’t all the falling just ensure that I pass through the eyelid ripping with the bare minimum of distress?

  • Doing that porno “snowballing” thing only substituting the sticky stuff with vomit. If I have to tell you what snowballing is, you suck.

  • True Stories
    – Eating an empanada and crunching on egg shell bits.
    – Opening a jar of apple sauce and after pouring and eating some, finding live larvae in the grooves of the jar where you close it.
    – Pouring myself a bowl of Alpha Bits with Marshmallows and noticing that the box is unusually heavy, only to find that all the cereal is really,really old and that there are moth larvae and real life moths in your bowl.
    – Finding a cockroach leg in your cereal(wheres the rest of it?).
    – Eating small ants in your cereal (they aren’t all that bad, as long as they are the sugar ants).

    I’m noticing a pattern here. I don’t like finding unexpected things in my food.

  • kelledy

    I used to wait tables and there was a man who came in who evidently ripped his eyeballs out of the sockets while in jail on PCP. That was the prevailing rumor, of course–but how else can you explain a man with *no eyes* just empty, crusty old-skin concave sockets???

  • kelledy

    I used to wait tables and there was a man who came in who evidently ripped his eyeballs out of the sockets while in jail on PCP. That was the prevailing rumor, of course–but how else can you explain a man with *no eyes* just empty, crusty old-skin concave sockets???

  • kelledy

    I guess I published that twice to let you all know how scarred I was…

  • ben

    i once witnessed someone have sex with a giant stuffed panda to climax.
    the gross part? the panda was smiling throughout the whole thing.

    i guess that’s not gross, just cool

  • “Full House” marathon viewed can’t-close-your-eyes-“Clockwork Orange”-style

  • Reading this page while eating risotto. Yummmm.

  • Alan

    Did anyone say, “screwing a pregnant woman and having the fetus give you head”?

  • Igor

    I don’t fancy gross. There’s too much real gross irl. Enlist a child soldier and have him/her kill his/her own parents and siblings as a rite of passage. Happens today. I’d rather puke on Tequila. I like all things beautiful, there’s already enough misery out there as it is.

  • stace

    i this really making you feel better?

  • Also Sick Husband- you’re channelling News of The Wierd. To wit: “Jason Morris, 30, was acquitted by a jury in Greater Manchester, England, of the charge that, using ordinary pliers, he pulled out 18 of his girlfriend’s teeth, leaving her covered head to toe in blood. The case turned when the girlfriend, Samantha Court, 25, took the witness stand and admitted that she pulled the teeth out herself, during an April drug binge during which she tried to get rid of a green and pink fly that had darted down her throat.”

  • One summer at camp I was playing volleyball. I had a Mountain Dew in a cup and had put it down on the bench. A while later I took a sip of Mountain Dew and crunched down on a bee that was still alive. Talk about spew.

  • Getting a letter from Jerry Springer inviting you on to the show because your husband has a surprise for you.

    Moving to Utah and discovery Taco Bell doesn’t sell tacos.

    Two Siamese twins stuck together by the ass and one has diarrhea.

    While you are sleeping, a large rat crawls upon your bed and strokes its tail into your genitals.

    Forgive me.

  • PJ

    While waiting for our flight at O’Hare this summer, I saw a rather scruffy 20ish girl walking towards the bathroom. Right before she entered, a few pieces of shit dropped out of the bottom of her pant leg onto the floor. The poor man walking behind her then stepped right into it, smearing it into a foot-long streak on the floor. My 10 year old son also witnessed this.

  • having someone touch/step on your pillow with their barefeet.

    i dont care how clean they say they are, that’s just nasty.

  • PJ again

    The Springer comment reminded me: last week, while flipping channels at 2 a.m., I came upon on a Springer rerun. The topic was ‘I’m Going to Ruin My Husband’s Holiday’ or something. Picture this: incestuous lesbian love affair with DWARF sister! It was a train wreck, I couldn’t stop watching for 10 minutes.

  • Sasha Savage

    Licking the yellow stuff off the school bus seats.

    Having your ass hole sewn closed and someone keeps feeding you, and feeding you.

    Having your eyelids cut off and someone feeds you sleeping pills.

  • 1. George W. Bush’s second term.

    2. Shaving your balls with a rusty tuna can lid.

  • So Dooce… all of this is supposed to make you feel better?

  • michelle

    Having someone line the inside of all your underwear with fiberglass shavings. True story enacted by my friend, the king of revenge, whom you DO NOT want to piss off (luckily this particular revenge was not against me).

  • Finding bones in hot dogs. On two separate occasions. Needless to say, I haven’t eaten a hot dog in many years.

  • Gross true story: A dorm room littered with empty coke cans. One lazy roommate is lazy, so he pisses in random used coke cans. The good roommate is up late one night studying. He goes to take a drink out of his coke and finds the can disturbingly warm.

  • moose

    Slicing cheese with a cheese slicer, having it slip and remove the nail from your other hand’s thumb. Then having the doctor TEAR OFF the dried dressing from the exposed undernail flesh… uh, I have removed all cheese slicers from my home.

  • uncle!uncle!uncle!

    So many responses…and I read them all.

  • Eating…horse rectum, fish sperm, pig uterus, bull member. Watch it on Fear Factor.

  • Being tied up, dipped in a tub of gravy and then thrown into a cage with two lionesses that haven’t eaten in over 1 month.

  • LK

    during woodshop in college, a pretty long-haired girl never tied her hair back in class, and one day it got caught in a planer. the result was bits of blonde hair and blood and scalp flying everywhere, accompanied by horrific screaming.

  • Amy

    Fix your company’s Access database… but wait, you don’t know Access, but wait… neither did the person who built the thing in the first place… okay, not so gross, as scary… how about this… knowing you no longer want to be a Vet when you see the vet armpit deep in your horses’s ass… or knuckle deep in your puppy’s…

  • not nearly as gross as most of the rest up here, but this came to me at the gym:
    what’s grosser than gross? a used bandaid in the shower drain at the gym. what’s grosser than that? peeing on the used bandaid in the shower drain at the gym. aaahhhheyethenkewe…..

  • LK reminded me: Sitting behind a girl in sixth grade who’se long, brown hair had fat red bugs crawling in it (think tick-looking), and being petrified that I’d get them, too, because I sat behind her. She’d whip her hair around, too, and I’d do my best not to scream.

    As for band-aids, they never grossed me out, used or not. They’re pieces of plastic with miniscule amounts of blood on them. Big deal.

  • I couldn’t help but notice that a lot of these are not necessarily “grosser than gross” as much as they are “more painful than painful” or “more torturous than torture” !! Yikes!

    I’m at a loss for words, regardless! Good job!

  • Julia

    Licking the mouthpiece on a public payphone.

  • someone sending you a care package filled with blood. from their slit wrists.

  • during one of my junior high basketball games, some poor girl’s used (very used) very maxi, new freedom pad somehow come out of her polyester shorts, onto the gym floor, and then stuck itself right onto my converse con hightop. i ran two full gym-floor lengths and scored two points before having to be taken out by the ref to have the very used, very maxi pad removed from my shoe. did everyone think it was mine?

  • This isn’t necessarily gross but imagine taking a large metal or nail file, biting downon it as hard as you can and ripping it out nice and hard.

  • ooooh! michelle! fiber glass. that’s a stellar prank. i’m gonna have to remember that one.

  • Zeek

    Don’t have time to read all of these, so please excuse if I’ve duplicated.

    Getting a mouthful of fruitflies in the bar shots – True story. I actually worked in a place once where you wanted to make damn sure you didn’t drink anything that didn’t come from a sealed bottle. We bought a strainer after the second night. Incidentally it was the same place of employment where I discovered that the city does in fact house cockroaches as big as the ones found in museum entomology displays. Seriously, it was the length of my thumb people, and I have long fingers. Even had the unfortunate opportunity to feel it wriggle under my hand before I realised what it was (shudder). I have never screamed so loud in all of my life. It’s a good thing we were closed at the time.

    Which reminds me of a book…. Read the roaches have no king, by Daniel Evan Weiss. It’s not gross, but it’s a good time. It made me paranoid about my apartment for weeks. I think I will read it again, especially since I no longer live in said apartment.