Playful, elegant, and not above the judicious use of the word “shit."

Anvil Latrine

Here’s what I don’t understand: what I don’t understand is how those people expect me to believe that Avril Lavigne is the “alternative” to Britney Spears.

Those people just expect me to lie down and get over the fact that this Avril creation, someone so insipidly sterile that the only thing even slightly askew about her persona is that she’s Canadian, knows the first thing about complication. I mean, complicated would be if she could knot that fucking necktie around a breast, you know what I’m saying?

And I’m like, first of all, who the hell would name a kid Avril? Avril? And I’m thinking, it has to be the same people who find themselves compelled to assign gender to inanimate objects, that’s who. And I’m thinking, since when did we take those people seriously?

And maybe it’s just the notion that she’s an “alternative,” as if what she’s doing is any different than what Britney’s been doing since she first did a back-hand-spring into my heart. Those people are bragging that Avril is writing her own music and playing her own instruments, and I’m like, since when did our pop stars need to do anything of that sort? If a pop star wrote her own music or played her own instruments she wouldn’t be a pop star. She’d be a musician.

And people, this world is too full of musicians. We need more Britneys, especially ones in red leather space suits.

And I guess what I’m thinking is that those people know that Avril Lavigne is the safe alternative to Britney: a boob-less droid groomed to stir up teen girl masses into a false sense of gritty rebellion, one who will get them thinking about something, anything other than their sexuality. And I think it totally stinks. Avril is a sexless she-boy, and she’s systematically undoing the lustrous sense of sexual awareness Britney gift-wrapped and laid at the feet of Puritan America for over four wonderful, boob-filled years.

And if this means that I’ve got to drive to Louisiana and pick Britney off her massive drunk ass myself, I will get her back, and together we will show the world once again that the best pop stars are the ones who can be confused all too easily with porn stars.

  • wait, wait. Dooce, aren’t you related to someone named September? Just seems sort of unfair that you’d bash Avril’s name when you were spawn from the same sort of name-game’d parents…

  • Dave Thomas

    Look, you’re welcome to dislike the rant. Just try and get it first.

  • jwes

    wouldn’t that be sevtember?

  • ericalynn: not only am I related to someone named September, but I’m also related to someone named Ranger. Ranger! i’ve been bashing my parents my ENTIRE LIFE for this travesty, especially since they never smoked any pot and have no excuse. i’m totally an equal opportunity basher.

  • Avril. If ye only knew.

    This is why the internet fucking blows chunks of donkey ass. Geeks, all.

  • i would just like to point out that i’m canadian. and i don’t pronounce david bowie’s last name like ‘howie’. and i’d just like to say that blaming that mistake on an accent is ridiculous. i say that if you can’t pronounce david bowie’s last name, you deserve to be made fun of. so there.

  • Smoothgrind

    This is right off Advil’s website…feel free to chuckle quietly.

    Anything but ordinary. That’s putting it mildly when describing Avril Lavigne. A skater-punk, a dynamic spirit, a true wild child. One of those rare creatures who started wowing people with her voice and character at around age 2. A small-town kid who couldn’t sit still in class but had the confidence and determination to take off, virtually on her own, to hone her songwriting skills in New York City and Los Angeles. A startlingly up-front and outrageous 17-year-old with everything it takes to reach stardom-completely on her own terms. “I’m just coming out and I’m going to clearly be myself-I write what I feel, I never worry what others think, ” Avril avows. “I’m gonna dress what’s me, I’m gonna act what’s me and I’m gonna sing what’s me.”

  • britney is a barely tallented playboy pictoral waiting to happen (good lord we can hardly wait). avil is a poor corporate attempt to recapture the artistic and commercial glory of what was jagged little pill, and christina is the single most impressive voice to hit my ears in 20 years. so sad it is attached to a media whore’s body. and all of them are trying to do what madonna did 20 years ago and is still doing today: simultaneously being sexy, dangerous, relevant, marketable, controversial, and culturally fucking clairvoiant.

    but that’s just my $.02. what the hell do i know? i air guitar to glam rock with wild, reckless abandon.

  • shy

    well shit… gone all day and come back and boom! dooce.com’s comment section becomes celeb-like controversies! w00t!

    to uh-oh. chill. you don’t have to like what people say on THEIR site. if you want to vent, then vent on YOUR site. sheesh. besides… i saw this post as light, funny and creative. i don’t think it was anything meant to be printed in stone.

    dooce… i actually took it as a compliment of what you said about canadians. thank-you.

    btw, don’t you thik christina aguliera or however you spell her name is more the anti-britany? example… she poses for penthouse while britany announces her virginity to the world.

  • uh-oh

    shy-

    so people who have different opinions than dooce’s shouldn’t post here?

  • Rumour has it that “Avril” started out doing country music and that she was pretty much asked to do this whole punk rock/sk8r girl thing to cash in and that she doesn’t even like what she’s doing.

    I wouldn’t doubt it.

  • black girl

    Jesus, a lot of people are thinking about this…

  • Anonymous

    Dave Thomas, you’re a spunk 🙂

  • P.J.

    Christina posed in Penthouse?

  • Dave Thomas

    Yeah, but look at how much fun that kid is having?

  • anna

    all i know is that when i was 13 i would have killed or died to be any one of the trampy sell-out hoes everyone is ranting about.

    anything would have been better than that pale peach t-dyed oversized t-shirt with leggings to match that i used to wear with my chinese slip on shoes.

    god, was i ever a geekball.

    really though – no one will ever be as pop-slut-punk-rock as pat benetar was.

    sigh. love really IS a battlefeild, you know?

  • Just wanted to post this link to someone who knew Avril in high school, and it doesn’t paint a pretty picture:

    http://mb.pick-me.net/viewthread.php?tid=84

  • Avrils Best Friend

    Oh yeah….I went to school with her too….uh, yeah…

  • Suzy

    HA HA BEN said ADVIL …

    Dooce if you got to do Brittney would you let the “Avril-April-Advil” chick watch?

    NPR RULES … I have no idea who this canadian is..

  • You know, I’ll bet you miss stuff like this happening where you live. I know you do.

  • With few exceptions, mainstream music hasn’t had anything new or decent to offer since Synchronicity. If you want to hear anything good, you look at what record companies pass up. Yeah, I’m a music snob. AND Canadian (you’re welcome for Neil!!) 😉

  • Aly

    ì100% Discriminatory and Pretentiousî should be your next tagline. It has a nice ring.

  • With all due respect to your Britney-loving persona, I think they are all disposable.

    To quote good ol’ Sandra:

    “Just give me an old-fashioned, sweaty, big-tittied bitch of rock & roll, OK? Give me Joan Jett with a shag haircut and black eye. Give me Pat Benatar. Give me Alannah Myles. For Christ sake, give me Ann and Nancy Wilson. Now, when these women wrote a lyric and sang it, you knew they had lived it. Honey, they wrote it, they sang it, they fucked it, they snorted it, they lived the shit, OK? They invented the road. They did things that would break these little bitches in half.”

  • Well Aly, it is Dooce’s blog so she can say whatever the hell she wants to say; that’s what we all have blogs for: to voice our opinions. That’s what the First Amendment is all about, isn’t it? We’re all entitled to our opinions. ì100% Discriminatory and Pretentiousî??? It’s not like Dooce dislikes Avril because of how she dresses; she dislikes her because she is trying to portray an image that she isn’t. I’m not punk, yet I know what punk is. It’s not Avril.

  • Verbal

    DAVE THOMAS? MORE LIKE “DILDO” THOMAS! Hahaha, making fun of names is comedy gold!!

    Oh, and I thought everyone should know: “Avril” means “April” in French or Swahili or something. Just to clear that up.

  • Aly

    Dearest Plain Jane,
    Apparently you missed the sarcasm in my comment. The jab was aimed at Uh-Oh, not Dooce. Why am I explaining this? Sarcasm loses all humor once dummified.

  • I think that by now we ALL know that Avril is French for April. And if someone doesn’t know that by now (after reading 125 comments and like half of them mentioning this same topic, over and over again) here it is hopefully for the last time.
    Avril = French = April
    One more comment like that and I will jump off a very tall bridge and shoot myself on the way down.

  • I think it’s amazing that that there have been 126 comments about the stirring Avril vs. Britney issue. Seriously people. I got as far as the Alberta-bashing… Canadians bashing other parts of Canada is one of the most amazingly lame things in the world.

  • Then Aly I owe you an apology. Sorry. I didn’t quite get the sarcasm, but then again I never do. I don’t get sarcasm and I guess I was too quick to jump up and defend Dooce. Again, sorry.

  • Aly

    Thanks, but I really wasnít expecting an apology. Anyway, consider this done. Lets movie aside and let the Adore Avril vs. Abhor Avril battle resume.

  • i heard that avril lavigne didn’t know who the sex pistols are. whoa. i must be getting old. i wonder if she knows who The Cure are? By the way, when do we all expect The Cure to come back in style? if you’re jonesin’ for some good music, pick up The Cure’s first album “3 Imaginary Boys”, i love that friggin album, no electronic, mumbly crap, just straight forward minimalist punk.

  • OK, it’s just gonna be me that admits to finding her attractive then? Fine. Let the stoning commence.

  • jason

    Dooce I cannot believe you missed the whole avril-april thing.

    You might as well not know where Australia is and not know how to pronounce David Bowie’s name. Avril, Britney & Dooce, the new three stooges.

  • Me

    All you bitches need to get back to discussing yesterday’s topic .

  • Summer

    Ya’ll lost me at hello.

  • you have to check this out. I think you’ll get a kick out of it >>
    http://www.otisfodder.com/365days/
    archive/005.html

  • Lisa

    I remember when this site was about hearing a great writer’s opinions and not attacking anyone. Can’t everyone just be fucking nice?

  • As long as you are an equal opportunity basher, then continue on 🙂 I just wanted to make sure!

    fwiw, my uncle’s last name means penis in German…

  • EC

    Who is Avril Lavigne? Celine Dion’s sister?

  • yara

    Avril is the first of the generation that grew up thinking Green Day is punk and never hearing the Sex Pistols or the Clash. god help us all that they’re starting to get record deals and Grammy nominations.

  • I think we all need to just calm down and think about the real issue here: Britney is hot! Avril, not so much.

  • Natasha

    I think Avril is a nice French name–but I also think Avril LAVIGNE sucks. Big time. She thinks she’s being all cool and individual, when in reality she’s just as packaged and fake as the rest. And seriously: at least Britney’s HOT.

  • I see a lot of people are getting very defensive about the name Avril, which is quite definitely a legitimate name if you’re French, but I’m fairly sure this Avril Lavigne girl was born April Levine. And in the great tradition of those like Erykah Badu, she decided her name wasn’t good enough as it was and wanted it to look more exotic. And French.

  • I’d like to think that I’m a fairly average male, at least in that I have all the average, healthy male desires and urges. So I’m not even going to bother to deny the kind of thoughts I have while watching a Britney Spears video.

    But Avril Lavigne sexless? Bitch is hot! I’d choose her over Britney any day of the week and twice on Sunday.

    I guess I can agree with the rest of what you said, even if my mother tongue also ascribes gender to objects. But whatcha gonna do?

  • Igor

    For being Hollywood markedroid spawn Avril is certainly getting a lot of debate about her, isn’t she ? So maybe she’s a real rebel after all ? She maybe used the beancounter to bankroll her bid for success and decent health-insurance ?

  • Igor

    Further to the “boob-less droid” theme, I wonder whether women have an unspoken pecking order that depends on the size and/or shape of their mammaries, Alpha female style.

  • I hate all three of the anti-brittanys passionately: Michelle, Avril, and Vanessa, because they define themselves as something they aren’t (Brittany) as opposed to something they are (?). Their marketing tactics make me ill. This is something I rant about a lot. Good topic. Go Brittany.

  • Just for you: Britney

  • What is up with that name? It sounds like a disease, as in “poor girl, she’s come down with a bad case of avril.”

  • No way, Ericalynn. What is it – Pimmel? Schwanz?