An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Careless Whispers

Aside from the fact that this is maddeningly brilliant (link via TMN), and I’ve played it probably a good four dozen times since I downloaded it yesterday, it has completely thrown me into a mid-eighties reverie wherein I cannot stop thinking of the following:

1. Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies, two at a time. Grape Shasta afterward.

2. Spending entire days during summer vacation watching Clue on VHS over and over again, knowing how it ended but still suspecting Miss Scarlet every single time.

3. The sound of my parents fighting in the next room.

4. My 13-yr old brother chasing me around the living room couch, stopping suddenly like he was about to give up, and spitting a gigantic wad of warm phlegm across the room onto my right cheek. Me screaming.

5. The girl up the street with the gigantic boobs. She was two years younger than I was, and in order to compete I had to wear a padded bra, one that made my 10-yr old, 80-pound body look like it had been overrun by uneven alien mole hills.

6. My dad’s dramatic crush on Loni Anderson.

7. Pictures of Andy Gibb, John Stamos and Scott Baio splattered over every inch of my sister’s bedroom walls.

8. Smurfs.

9. Pulling up to soccer practice in that goddamn beige Ford Taurus.

10. Courtney Smith, Courtney Carrington, Courtney Price, Courtney Dees, Courtney Nelson.

11. The dream I had about being trapped in a burning building, about to succumb to the smoke and flames when David Hasselhoff and KITT show up to my resuce.

12. My brother trying to pull his socks off by the toes, giving up halfway through and walking around with them just like that, halfway on/halfway off, all day long.

13. The smell of Pond’s Cold Cream in the morning as my mother took off her eye makeup.

14. Matching my socks to my turquoise Converse hightops. Pinch-rolling my Lee jeans.

15. Hardee’s.

16. Sitting in my father’s lap before school, listening to Air Supply and rocking back and forth, hearing him whisper in my ear, why won’t your mother come back to me?

17. Hall and Oates.

18. My sister’s hairdo, which I think I can safely blame for the death of my first goldfish.

19. My “Love Boat” themed Trapper Keeper.

20. My first triumphant completion of Pitfall.

  • Frankie Says Relax

    Who didn’t have one of those damned t-shirts?

  • i can’t believe your mum didn’t use avon makeup remover *gasp*

  • LK

    All the Molly Ringwald/brat pack movies – Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, St. Elmo’s Fire… ahh, memories.

  • Marlys

    Convertible rabbits. All the cool kids in high school drove ’em. Mini skirts with fat aerobic socks and Reebock high tops or Mias with little holes in them….

  • Rickster

    What about Mr T and Gay Busey in “DC Cab”??? and only 1 mention of “the A team” so far??

    And the 6 million dollar man and Bionic woman were totally 70’s, not 80’s (sorry).

  • flashy

    I can’t pass the second page of that damn game, how is it supposed to last 30 min???? I f*cking hate those bitchis crocodales..maybe if I just turn that song off…

  • Oh my God! “I learned it from watching you!” lol…remember how the dad was this short little mustached guy?

    How about “This is your brain on drugs” and the giant Kool-Aid pitcher guy bursting through the brick wall on roller skates? “Oh yeah!”

  • se

    Oh shoot me now. It’s Super Bubble gum, not Dubble Bubble. Super is still available, but not where I am. My father scoped out to bottom shelves in the candy aisle of several 7-11’s last year looking for green apple flavor to send me to no avail. Another 80’s thing that brings back mixed memories–Polo cologne. Some boys must have bathed in it.

  • Jen

    I can’t believe nobody has mentioned this yet… JAZZERCISE!

  • I second that emotion for the A-team, as well as Macguyver, Blue Thunder, and that mini-series with the man-eating lizards, V.

    Oh yeah, Small Wonder. I think I still remember the theme song…

  • Have you played that GTA3: Vice City?
    Apparently, it’s causing a massive boost of eighty’s music popularity.
    John Waite, anyone?

  • shy

    retro 80’s! woohoo! mine was love boat and ‘welcome to fantasy island! ahahahahaaaa!’, or how about duran duran and my posters of john taylor and simon lebon, but let’s not forget about virgin bracelets, “V”, and playing Pipedreams which was the first game that featured mario bros before it was known as donkey kong and then just marios bros… and we can NOT forget about the fact that i played this very particular game on my apple II plus E which ran on 64K.

    64K!!! can you believe that?

    long live the 80’s!

  • Sylvanian Families. Those giant Swatch watches we hung on the wall. Coloured mesh tanks over black bras. Shoes with velcro fasteners. Tape drives and Commodore 64s. Corey Haim. Frogger. Agadoo-doo-doo-doo-push pineaple shake the tree! Thanks for the link to Pitfall Harry!! Too cool! I still have my Intellivision (made by Mattel) and about 50 cartridge games… all in perfect working condition. My dad bought it for my birthday in 1981.

  • Holy shit. I know the guy who made that Pitfall game, but someone else got it from your blog and pasted it to me, unknowingly. So it’s just this scary Internet orgy.

  • Meg

    Punky Brewster.
    Kids Incorporated.
    Max Headroom.
    Fluorescent orange.
    Big league chew.
    Feathered bangs.
    Wind breakers.
    Dear Mr. Jesus.

  • Amy

    Wow… thanks for the surprisingly sweet nostalgic reminders! Your post brought back some vivid memories, as did many of the comments… I’ll add these:

    Say Anything – John Cusack

    Pong, Packman, Q-bert and Frogger

    Madonna! circa, like a virgin and lucky star, baby fat and dark roots…


    Lying on the couch with chicken pox, discoving Cyndi Lauper and “Girls Just Wanna have Fun” and watching the Challenger explode. I was about 7.

  • Amy

    Oh yeah… and BMX!

  • nora

    in no particular order….
    1. pegged plaid pants.
    2. forenza sweaters.
    3. wall-o-bangs (not the standing tall ones, but hide behind nobody-can-see-me ones)
    4. Limahl.
    5. Duck shoes. Neon, no less.
    6. My first pair of combat boots and shaving the sides of my head (great when combined with the wall o bangs.)
    7. Perfume Barbie.
    8. Apple Slice (really horrible when combined with rum, by the way.)

  • the girl’s high-pitched “ding-dee-dee-dink-dee” is a thing of wonder.

    why is it those memorable songs are so maudlin?

  • poop on a stick

    Degrasssi was the best

    Who didn’t have a crush on Caitlin……….

    Im surprised no one has questioned the Electra relationship with your pop….

    16. Sitting in my father’s lap before school, listening to Air Supply and rocking back and forth, hearing him whisper in my ear, why won’t your mother come back to me?

    was it creepy??????

    Did he buy you pearls and make up???

  • nifflet

    Taping the Ghostbusters cartoon on a vcr the size of a small island, using a “remote control” on a cord to pause out the commercials; the Snorks; double layered socks stuffed into white Keds sans laces; the aforementioned Thundercats, and the Silverhawks which came on after them; Wham! Make it Big, my first-ever record; the Christmas I got the Belinda Carlisle tape, a Walkman, and a red bean bag chair, which I used simultaneously for the next 3 months; the Headbanger’s Ball; and Adam Curry, the VJ to end all VJ’s.

  • Atari, Atari 2600, original Nintendo and Mike Tyson’s Punch Out, slap bracelets (too), Transformers vs. Go-Bots and M.A.S.K. Men, “good” music and those stupid “Parental Advisory” stickers, D.A.R.E and the T-shirts–collectibles now, I think

  • *picture pages w/ bill cosby
    *the snorks
    *checker print Vans
    *’Teen magazine
    *tinkerbell (cosmetics)
    *stonewashed anything


  • da

    little debbies and grape soda, interesting poop in the making there. for us it was weiners and coffee milk in massive quantities (you need to be from RI to get it)

  • ME

    I almost forgot – wanting to be like Bill Bixby in the Incredible Hulk which aired on CBS.

    “David Banner, physician, scientist, searching for a way to tap into the hidden strength that all humans have.

    Then an accidental overdose of gamma radiation alters his body chemistry. And now when David Banner becomes angry or outraged a startling metamorphosis occurs. The creature is driven by rage and is pursued by an investigative reporter.

    “Mr McGee don’t make me angry you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”

    The creature is wanted for a murder he didn’t commit. David Banner is believed to be dead and he must let the world think that he is dead until he can find a way to control the raging spirit that dwells within him.”

    I always tried to find regular household items that would give me gamma radiation to turn me into the Hulk (second only to my desire to be bitten by a radioactive spider).

    And I was kidding about dressing up as George Michael. I though Andrew Ridgely was the better looking one.

  • no, poop on a stick. you’re creepy.

  • The entire summer of 1984 lost to Galaga.

    High Score: 1,382,500

  • nice stuff, keep it up!

  • ooo….does anyone remember “tales of the gold monkey”, or am i the only person who ever watched that?

  • PrincessEvilina

    That post brought back lots of memories. I didin’t think I needed to read all 129 comments just to say that. If I am wrong you may smite me.

  • Watching Kevin Bacon suffer in that podunk little town, having to dance alone in that crappy warehouse…being kicked off the gymnastics team (no dancing, but they’ve got a boys’ gymnastics team over at the high school–THAT’s cool), having to fight Chuck Cranston for the love of Reverend Shaw’s slutty daughter Ariel & show said podunk town that dancing ain’t so bad after all. (She was slutty, but how cool was she when, after a roll in the literal hay with Chuck one sunny afternoon, when she was putting on those red cowboy boots? I so wanted a pair)

    And why does the love between a young beautiful dancer/welder & her rich hot boss have to be so difficult? So she’s a maniac…so what? (Every damn time Hannah dies I cry like a baby)

    Life after college looked like it’d be fun…you could be an adulterer, a coke fiend, a guy obsessed w/a girl you have less of a shot w/now than you did in college, a mousy chunky trust-fund virgin in love with the adulterer, a (gasp) member of a Republican couple, or the guy that sleeps with your best friend’s girl–who’s another one of your best friends. And not only are you one of these folks, you’re lifelong friends with the rest of them.

    Give me a rainy weekend with the ’80s movie marathon on TBS anytime.

  • punky brewster

    Ahhh, calling the local radio station to announce songs on the Top 9 at 9…and those annoying shout outs. Being terrified of getting caught watching the video for I Want your Sex, by George Micheal, but not being able to take our eyes off the screen. I don’t know if I was even breathing for the entire 3 minutes! I also had a pair of skin tight Guess jeans that were pink and turqoise splatter paintesque, with zippers on the legs. Awful. Just awful. My mother made me wear my headgear to school in 6th grade.

  • e

    romi! thank you for reminding me about the joy of SNORKS!!!!

  • CartDi

    Air Supply is cool. So are Trapper Keepers. =D

  • chris utroska. chris smudde. chris showalter. chris jones. chris klein.

  • Igor

    Saturdays. Mom making our favorite dish, cartoons on tv and coffee and cake in the afternoon.

  • Amazing song cover. Reminds me of watching music videos on shows like Night Tracks and Friday Night Videos.

  • dayna

    hmmm, they should come out with a “facts of life” reunion show…..
    i’d love to see tootie these days.

  • This is so fun! How about:

    * The Coreys (Haim and Feldman)
    * The Debbie Gibson/Tiffany debate
    * My bright pink leopard spotted spandex pants and keds with no laces
    * ESPRIT Bags!
    * Care Bears
    * Hair Crimpers!
    * Making friendship bracelets from embroidery thread.

  • That short mention of Hardee’s just sent me into a swirl of childhood rememberances. I’m in a flat spin, Goose….

  • Kat

    i used to watch the A team in my parents room on the tv that did, in fact, need a wrench.

  • Anonymous

    When Lionel Ritchie’s Hello came out, I made up a video about it where Lionel is walking around New York in the rain and walks past a ballet studio where a beautiful blind girl is dancing, then there is a dream montage where they dance together and she feels his face. Then he walks off alone, soulfully.That is so embarrassing, I am almost not even embarassed by it.

  • Shawn

    Dayna they just recently had a Facts of Life reunion show.

  • I know this off topic, but it’s related to Dooce’s moving crisis.
    Dateline on NBC is doing a show about the scams that movers are doing. Sounds like what you went through Dooce. Hope they spotlight the guys that screwed you.

  • ralph macchio

    Thought of this one last night and had to resist the urge to turn the computer back on:


    and also, “Oooh, la la, Sassoon.”

  • Ok. Teen Beat and Tiger Beat issues promising to reveal the real faces behind Kiss. Those annoying turtleneck shirts that the Preppies wore with little whale patterns. Eventually, this morphed into little whale patterned shoelaces, socks and raincoats. Also, it was all the rage in my junior high to wear pins of your afvorite bands. We actually hand band wars where people would divide into tribes of those who liked either Duran Duran, Michael Jackson or The Police. Oh, and rollerskating rinks. These were HUGE here. HUGE. This is where most of us had our first cloaked first base sexual experiences and also where I got to see Michael Jackson’s Thriller video on the big screen.

  • gee, your hair smells terrific and dippity-do hair gel.

    and yes, Trapper Keepers were all the rage.

    and! those bicycles with the long seat and backrest and the prerequisite basket attached to the handlebars (w/ plastic flowers for the girls)


  • windydaze

    Olivia Newton-John: “Physical” video (my dad loved that one) and Xanadu.

  • Dude. I can’t believe I forgot:


  • zchamu

    Duran Duran. Strawberry Shortcake dolls. Playing group orgy with barbies.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

read more