An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Blaming Mr. Whipple

Although it’s not expressly covered in the Constitution or the Bill of Rights, and I’m not sure that a jury would ever hear my case if I tried to sue, I still maintain that I have a natural born right to use as much toilet paper as I goddamn well please.

And it’s not that I use an exorbitant amount of toilet paper in the first place. I grew up in the 80s, and so I know that wasting natural resources such as toilet paper will only make our country more vulnerable to a communist invasion.

I’d say that I’m a moderate-to-occasionally-excessive tiolet paper user, and I’ve tried to cut back on the waddage in recent years. It’s just, there are some sessions of congress, for lack of a better phrase, that require more than two squares of absorbent cotton wipes.

cha cha cha charmin

And what I don’t understand is how some men expect women to use as little toilet paper as they do, when all a man has to do is a little flicking or shaking of the dew off the lily, as it were, to de-moisten after urination. I don’t even think that most men fully grasp the notion that women have to sit down everytime we use the restroom. God help us all if men had to sit down everytime they had to wee wee; I’d never see my husband again.

So we’re sitting around the dinner table last night at my mom’s house, and somehow this whole topic comes up, and I can’t help but point out that I’m always the one replacing the toilet paper roll. And my mom totally understands because she doesn’t think my step-father even uses toilet paper, and if he does it’s only one to two squares per day, the horror!

And my Granny, who’s sitting across the table eating chicken and dumplings, she can’t stand conflict, so she jumps to the men’s defense, “Wait a minute, y’all look here, all you need is this much,” and she measures a tiny space between her wrist and her elbow. This is coming from a woman who not only saves empty Cool Whip� tubs but also stashes them under her bed in preparation for the second coming of Jesus Christ.

And the thing is, Granny grew up in the depression. It’s a well known fact that people had smaller poops during the depression, and therefore needed less toilet paper. People today have new millenium-sized bowel movements, specimens fueled by Code Red Mountain Dew and industrial strength licorice Nibs�. Our poops are so big that the free market has provided at least two dozen brands for all our wiping needs. In the economy of poop, it’s totally a buyer’s market.

And as long as I have a choice among all those brands, as long as I can buy toilet paper in packs of 78 rolls, which admittedly can be a bit cumbersome when the only place left to stash them is in the crisper, I’ll be lobbying for The Right To Wipe My Ass With Wreckless Abandon Act, a law that would make it illegal for a husband to look astonished when the new toilet paper roll he just retreived from the closet disappears in less than two hours.

  • my mom used to say “It’s for your ASSHOLE not your WHOLE ASS”. i’m a bad little exorbitant amount of t.p. user. i admit it. i just sometimes zone out and forget when i’m wadding it up.

  • lordgoon

    I love you, Dooce. Really I do. But how many defecation-related columns can one man read?? Where’s that lengthy, acerbic review of _War and Peace_ that you’ve long been promising us?

  • For my wedding present, my best man — who was once a roommate and knows how much I use — was going to get me a lifetime supply of toilet paper. Thank goodness he got us the Pottery Barn flatware instead!

  • i actually have a friend who showers after she poops. thus, i assume her to only poop exactly once a day — no stragglers. when i lived with her, i wondered why the hell she took two showers a day. sincem she told me, i have made rampant fun of her, as it wasone of the more ridiculous things i’d heard. if you’re really feeling that unclean, perhaps some baby wipes?!?

    then again, this is the same girl who’d rather brave pantylines than wear a thong because of the high chance of poop getting on the thong. i don’t know what to do with her.

    also, the charmin bears annoy, scare, and disgust me. especially that face they make while their wiping. ugh.

  • oh god, i made an unintentional homonym error! the horror! i meant, “they’re” … damn me …

  • Danika

    TP must be over!

    I don’t think I over use tp.. I just wipe until nothing shows up. I would much rather have a clean ass and use too much than leave underwear streaks thank you very much!

    I have tried the whole squat technique but I always fall…. you squaters are way more talented than I.

  • Danika

    Oh and about the whole teaching your kid how to wipe thing… I go in to wipe from the front but wipe front to back… back to front is just icky!

  • yara

    imagine my shock to move overseas as a teenager to a place where they DON’T use toilet paper. the “bowl of water” and “don’t eat with *that* hand” lessons were intriguing…

  • Carrie

    I am CRYING, I’m laughing so hard from you people. Oh man, I needed that. Okay, weighing in:
    *TP should be under.
    *Wipe the damn seat, squatters!
    *Adult wipes rule, especially after Mexican food.
    *2-4 times A DAY?? Good Lord.
    *People who don’t wash their hands after using the restroom should have their fingers turn blue to warn the rest of us. ‘Cause that’s just nasty.

  • Em

    I do that too, use excessive amounts. My mother about shits herself. *rolls eyes* I like to feel clean, thankyouverymuch!

  • Dooce: well then, I’ll try to talk about my fuzzy ass more often. 😉

  • Dooce, you need to have a section where we can adoringly browse old taglines and their illustrations… where we can all worship the wonder that is the Dooce.

    I like this round’s little LPs.

  • I read somewhere that fecal bacteria can get through over 11 layers of standard 2 ply TP.
    Surely that is reason enough to use half a roll (at least!) per visit.

    The facilities at my work are substandard at best, but when it becomes necessary to pay the ferryman, I use as much TP as its S-bend can handle. Not only does the padded wipe make the pathetic 1 ply more tolerable, but I prefer glove-like protection when my hand goes anywhere near a place where a million other asses have been.

    An episode of Oprah once talked about the Under v Over roll position issue. It seems that the choice is subconscious – those who choose the Over position are more confident and dominent, while those who prefer the Under mode are expressing their lack of self esteem. Or maybe Oprah is just full of shit.

  • Dooce? I just took a really satisfying poop, and then I wiped my bottom system with a charmin’ white boxing glove, and you know who I thought about the whole time? That’s right. You, Chuck, and all of your lovely readers.

  • I can’t believe that I just spent all that time reading about crap. That said:
    – TP goes over
    – reach over to get the back, with a separate piece of toilet paper from the front if #1 and #2 happened
    – yeah, I use a lot
    – I used to go 2-4 times a day until I started eating healthy. Now, once. Like clockwork. Around 2 in the afternoon.
    – I don’t hover. My theory? I’ve never hovered, I haven’t died yet, I’ll be fine. I won’t use the toilet if a hoverer hasn’t cleaned up her mess on the seat…how rude!

    Also, does anyone have any men in the house who won’t flush after a pee? Because I do, and it drives me insane. What if I were to poo and the poo forcefully hit the water, splashing a couple drops back up onto me? It’s like you’re peeing on me, and that’s gross as hell. Also, our toilet is a dark-ish tan-ish color, and depending on light, I’m never quite sure if the water is clear or yellow. I’m sure our toilet gets flushed a lot more than it should because of this.

  • ahhhhhhhh charmin triple roll! i look at the cheap paper, then i think to myself, self – you have been pretty good about not spending out of control like those binges to lush in vancouver, you can buy your ass some nice soft tissue as a reward.

  • z

    Why does charmin need a website?

  • Natasha

    Allison–just keep on flushin’ before you go if you can’t tell. To quote from The Biscuit on the (sadly) now-defunct Ally McBeal: “I like a fresh bowl.”

  • Natasha

    Oops, Alison, sorry. Spelled your name wrong.

  • Margie

    Someone once asked me…how do blind people know when they’re done wiping?

    That’s a disturbing question.

    Definitely over on the TP, Northern Quilted, and front to back, from the front.

  • i swear to god if i get marriied and my wife hangs the roll under rather than over, i think i would have to install a second hanger. improper hanging of the tp roll is seriously grounds for divorce.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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