Best way to roast the broomstick. Must try. Five Stars.

A Selection of Recent, Random and Wholly Unrelated Observations, Volume II

The only reason to pass up an entire all-access day pass at the Sundance Film Festival is the season premiere of “American Idol.”

That my father and my step-father can hold a 30-min telephone conversation about cars and tools and those lovely blonde twins that make my sister’s life a daily three-ring circus, that they can laugh and engage in criminally civil banter over long-distance lines, that they love each other and call every other week to make sure the other is doing okay, that is a remarkable thing.

One’s dog shouldn’t smell better than one’s own armpits.

A Diet Coke will not counteract nor eliminate a grilled cheese sandwich with french fries and chocolate cake.

Dustin Hoffman is shorter than my 11-yr old niece.

Sometimes you have to accept your family, no matter how inconvenient or frizzy-haired or insistent that they stick their fingers up your dog’s nose.

Snow is totally overrated.

Rachel Weisz is the best British import since Liam Gallagher, and people, Liam and I go back a looooonnnngg way.

I never knew my nose was capable of such boogers.

I thought Ed Burns was cool, until he showed up to that question and answer session in a beret and denim shirt.

Sometimes a woman needs to be reminded that she is the luckiest woman in the world, that men don’t usually come in such freakishly wonderful packages as he came.

  • See?!

  • Irk

    I’d rather stick my fingers in Chuck’s nose than listen to that boy (no… girl, no… boy with serious manboobs with the pants slit all the way up the sides) sing again.

    Diet Coke is for pussies.

  • That dude with the slit pants was about as weird as anyone I have seen. I would like to see scientific studies on people who are awful singers, but seem not to know it. I want a lie detector to prove to me that these people really don’t know they are awful.

  • my dog smells good

    i’m glad i poop more than you people

    colin firth (in bridget jones diary) is my secret boyfriend

    i’m working on the accepting the family thing

  • Except for the word “penis” it’s more fun if the buildup isn’t entirely salival.

  • artemesia

    Random question:

    So, you once lived in California and that made you a Californian.

    What are you now that you’ve moved to Utah?

    Ut, Utonian ???

  • Inmate, what do you mean “except?” Don’t you mean “especially?”

  • Danika

    I am guessing that some know they really are that bad… look at the guy who said he would be back with someone worse than him. He seemed to know when people were better so wouldn’t he know he was bad?

    Also I think people can truly not know how bad they are because the voice you hear when you speak or sing is often different than what others hear (possibly because it echoes in your head..LOL). When I was a kid I truly didn’t know I was a bad singer… I would sing all the time. It wasn’t until I was told by my step mother that I was tone deaf and therefore she wouldn’t pay for singing classes for me did I find out that I was bad. Then I taped myself and realized that yeah I really am a bad singer. If people had encouraged me instead I probably would have thought I was the best…

  • I am really glad to hear that your father and step-father get along. That is really rare. About the only thing that my mother and step-mother have in common is both marrying my father and are from planet earth. But you can be damb sure they don’t phone each other to talk about that…!

  • moose

    In SLC last week, I did not spot Dooce anywhere. But I took great pleasure in lining up the naked breasts of the sculpture on Capitol Hill with the minarets of the Temple. Oh yeah and the purple mountains majesty in the background. I love America.

  • Kristin

    Snow is incredibly overrated…but so is accepting certain family members shit…I don’t have to like someone just because we come from the same gene pool, do I?

  • Well it is pretty clear to me:

    Wil Wheaton ownes the webblog awards.

  • fabulous.

    you are wonderful!!!

  • god


  • one more:

    puppy farts STINK.

    what would a comment be without poop references.

  • WORD on the puppy farts. Fucking things are toxic.


    behold the golden poop award….

  • Are you fucking serious?! Wil Wheaton???

  • SuSu

    Will Wheaton’s blog Sucks.. no offense Will I think you are a sweetie but Dooce blows you away..

    Doggie farts use to make my brother and I laugh so hard we’d pee… My v serious physist father couldn’t help but be amused 🙂 I miss my youth.

  • Who the hell is Wil Wheaton anyway?

    Puppy farts smell but their breath makes up for it. I wish all dogs could have puppy breath for life.

  • JS

    I have American Idol on right now… and all I can think is “every time you sing, God kills a kitten.”

  • Natasha

    Dustin Hoffman is cute.

    My fiance checks himself in the mirror to make sure he doesn’t have boogers in his beard or mustache every time he blows his nose. He’s totally paranoid…it’s kind of cute.

  • i picked my nose this morning and thought the same thing.

  • Bruce

    A random question..
    Does the wonderful phrase “bottom system” refer to the nether regions in their entirety, front and back, including all apertures, appendages and dangly bits or just the gluteus maxmi and their single intervening orifice?

  • American Idol fucking sucks. I tried to give it a chance for you, Dooce. But it’s so obvious that some of those people are plants. They’re supposed to be terrible. Like that white kid singing celebration? Puh-lease. Totally fake. Felt like I was watching the Jamie Kennedy experiment. Hello?! They have pre-screenings. You telling me that kid made it through. Oh, and that guy with the falsetto. F-A-K-E with a capital FAKE. Sucks ass. The Bachelorette is where it’s at.

  • wha..? dude, the bachelorette is just more twisted, scripted hetero-bliss. american idol, on the other hand, rocks my world. fake or not, i’m watchin it. the only thing that could make it better is if britney were on the judging panel.

    yeah, this might seem like blatant dooce ass-kissing, but it’s true.

  • eddiewojo

    I too tried to watch American Idol and it bites! Nothing can compare to watching the money hungry babes on Joe Millionaire falling all over themselves to get to $50 million that does not exist. And has anybody else noticed that the guy on Joe Millionaire looks and sounds like the character “Puddy” on Seinfield?

  • word. i watched AI the first time and was addicted beyond all rational human understanding. Thank God for TiVos! However, now I am watching Joe Millionaire. I have hit my quota of one reality show per season. And yes, go the the JM boards on televisionwithoutpity for all the snark you can handle. Puddy from Seinfield references included.

  • Like, oh my God, eddiewojo, you are SO right! I knew there was a reason why I was convinced Evan would reveal a painted chest if he ever took off his shirt.

  • da

    i thought it was “putty”. anyway, whenever he says something to the butler, my son and i finish his sentence with the required “high five!”.

  • last month i ran across this website and now i am totally hooked! this is the first thing i pull up when i get to work! then i go back multiple times throughout the day to read “thoughts” – dooce – you are a guinness and I need a 12 step program – doocaholics anonymous – help!!!! i gotta get some work done!

  • I love the comparison between Dooce and Guiness, my personal fave bevvie. But as much as I adore the lovely stout, it in some way (I apologize in advance)pales by comparison to Dooce’s blog. You don’t have to immediately consume this blog after it’s been poured to appreciate its creamy goodness… it stays fresh interminabley. And I’ve never had a Dooce hangover… Dooce on tap? Now there’s a brilliant idea!

  • Geofferson

    There is peace in Dooce. There is a different kind of peace elsewhere. And Ed Burns is totally overrated. He’s the meathead Adam Sandler.

  • Rachel has BROWN ASS teeth in that Revlon ad. Total buzzkill.

  • Gigolohuhsucka

    No, total BONERkill.

  • poop on a stick

    Chuck: she is english and they are known for their ugly teeth….
    an English person with good teeth is known as a canadian.

    Dooce: what would make that package even better… if his package was a moosecock!!

  • So how tall is your niece? Mine is 13 and she’s pushing 6 feet. The good thing is that she LIKES being tall.
    See my tall niece.
    That’s: in case my HTML doesn’t work.

  • Speaking of dog farts:

  • Oh yeah…

    Heather, you rock. Thanks for the daily (and day long) chuckles.

  • You’re right about families. Nothing approaches families directly or indirectly for sheer mind numbing revelations about life.

  • You’re right about families. Nothing approaches families directly or indirectly for sheer mind numbing revelations about life.

  • i know this is in response to a post pretty high up the list, but cafepress does shitty merchandise. seriously. their t-shirts are cheap iron-ons and they fade to almost invisible after the first washing.

    anyone with a website and too much time can find themselves selling crap merchandise, thanks to cafepress.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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