Heater, Mother of Lance

Things I Miss About Los Angeles

Andy Dick.

Christmas shopping outside in flip-flops.

Accurate forcasts that come not in blocks of 7 days but in blocks of 365.

Being surrounded by people with actual pigmentation.

Running stairs in Santa Monica with Tori Spelling’s boobs and that shirtless Moroccan body-builder who ate small children for breakfast.

Happy hour every hour.

Having my boss show up to work an hour late with a massive case of the munchies.


Running into someone who knows someone whose male cousin has slept with Tom Cruise.

The daily 4am helicopter fly-bys crashing the ecstasy party on the roof of the building, and the subsequent scuffling of Kenneth Cole boots getting the hell out.

Gigantic, perky breasts everywhere.

Knowing people who will get into heaven not because they believe in God, but because they are prettier than God.

People who know how to be pretentious without pretending they aren’t being pretentious.

Trader Joe’s.

Bathing Chuck and having him skid like a race car across the hardwood floors head first into the wall of the living room in our old apartment.

Fellow drivers who aren’t afraid of dying.

  • LA Lover

    2003/01/30 at 12:42 pm

    I am in total agreement with JimmyPage.

  • The Other Erika

    2003/01/30 at 12:43 pm

    almost forgot

    Kevin & Bean

  • tootie

    2003/01/30 at 1:17 pm

    I think Andy Dick is the official celebrity welcome mat for Los Angeles. A few months after I moved to L.A., there he was, standing in line at Noah’s Bagels on Venice Blvd., just chillin. I think he shows up to wherever the newest resident of L.A. is, like a sign, “more to come!”

    Best celebrity sighting I ever had was James Spader taking his kids to see Shrek because I had a big crush on James Spader in the 80s.

    Aside from all the usual places for celebrity sightings, my favorites were always the Sports Club on Sepulveda and the Cineplex Odeon theater in Century City.

  • Jane

    2003/01/30 at 1:23 pm

    I live in Panama, so I wear sandals all year long and yet sometimes I long for cold, windchill weather; the kind where you burrow under piles of blankets, or play in the snow. I’ve never played in snow. How sad.

  • lordgoon

    2003/01/30 at 1:38 pm

    A joke:

    So the telephone rings n the vatican. The Pope picks up and hears a voice that says, yo, Pope, this is God.

    Yo, says the Pope to God, whassup there, o holiest of holies?

    Well, says God, here’s the thing – I’ve got some good news and some bad news…

    I dig, says the Pope. Let’s hear the Good news first.

    The good news, says God, is that I’ve decided to come down to earth and do away with all this religious diversity. I’m tired of my worshippers not knowing which religion to participate in, so I’m going to let everyone know that there’s exactly one true faith.

    Excellent! says the Pope. And the bad news?

    And God says: I’m calling from Utah.

  • leblanc

    2003/01/30 at 3:35 pm

    ah yes, you just reminded me of why i love northern california so much more than southern california: no pretentious fake tanned fake boobs.

  • slackjaw

    2003/01/30 at 3:43 pm

    I miss being so twisted that I think after a 45 minute conversation with BB Thorton “wow…he’s just SO normal, you know?”. Just like when you start to think those boobs where the nips point up are normal, those white white teeth are normal, liposuction, botox, those freaky puffy lips that Mellony Grifith has are all normal.

    Yea…I think thats what I miss the most, how everything used to look so normal…

  • the propagandist

    2003/01/30 at 3:46 pm

    we miss you dooce.

    although that’s one less pair of sharp elbows at the TJ’s on La Brea.

  • Naaman

    2003/01/30 at 4:21 pm

    I can’t believe you left out The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf!!

  • Chad's Favorite Bridesmaid

    2003/01/30 at 8:28 pm

    Okay, Kindle, I’m on your team! If I weren’t in NorCal, I’d most certainly miss:

    Being 30 minutes from the wine country & 30 minutes from The City.

    Fog–the kind that rolls over the hills like dry ice used at Halloween to emulate smoke out of a cauldron.

    Seasons without shoveling snow.

    Safeway, not Vons (yeah, they’re owned by the same folks, but they ARE different).

    Sarah & No Name.

    Seeing Sammy Hagar watch his kids play soccer in Mill Valley (okay, kinda good, kinda odd).

    McDonald’s in Chinatown & the menu being in Chinese.

    Fleet Week, specifically sitting on a rooftop in the Marina & having the Blue Angels fly mere inches over your head.

    The splash of a Barry Bonds homer landing in the bay.

    Do I make my point?

  • Xanthan

    2003/01/30 at 8:31 pm

    ▪ Tommy’s Burgers!
    ▪ The Original Trader Joe’s in Pasadena
    ▪ Air you can hold in your hand (or mold into party favors)
    ▪ The San Gabriel Mountains – truly purple mountains majesty
    ▪ Musso & Franks Grill
    ▪ Topanga Canyon
    ▪ Never wearing socks
    ▪ Taco trucks
    ▪ Enjoying morning coffee in the garden ten months out of the year.
    ▪ California bungelows and Craftsmen style architecture
    ▪ An incredible music scene

  • Keith

    2003/01/30 at 9:18 pm

    And we miss you too, Heather. Surprisingly enough, I saw Andy Dick last month and he was wearing this ridiculous wig. And it’s 70+ here today. And I was in Trader Joe’s last weekend. And the breasts… oh, yes, the breasts. They’re everywhere.

  • L.A. Grump

    2003/01/30 at 10:03 pm

    Big ups for Trader Joe’s Pot Stickers.

  • Liz

    2003/01/30 at 10:04 pm

    I would kill to have another In N Out cheeseburger. *drool*

    And Texas has lots of fake boobies too. As an ex-boyfriend once told me: “I’ve never had so many fake boobs walk through this bedroom.” Ass.

  • rebekka

    2003/01/30 at 10:09 pm

    you should vacation in Bakersfield this summer. By the time your vaca is over, you’ll be over soCal. (But I could see how you’d miss it all. I missed it just reading and I’m still here.)

  • Zander

    2003/01/30 at 11:14 pm

    Hey Heather!!! Remember me from FasTV?!? I’m getting married to Morina in September – can you believe that?

  • Richard

    2003/01/31 at 5:56 am

    I live two blocks from Trader Joe’s, and hardly ever go. Just thought I’d let you know for no apparent reason.

  • angeleno

    2003/01/31 at 7:30 am

    la has such an impossible identity. maybe because it’s such an adventure. you have to discover what’s yours here, and because of that, you really have to own it. living here is truly and completely a love affair. there are things that drive you crazy, there are things that make you laugh, but every morning the first thought you have when you walk out the door is “sweet jesus, i am the luckiest person alive.” and to the anti-tit brigade and sf vs. la warriors: you guys need more vitamin d.

  • L.A. Grump

    2003/01/31 at 7:30 am

    Rebekka, Bakersfield isn’t really part of Los Angeles. I don’t think Dooce is missing the non-central valley farming hell-hole parts of Los Angeles. But, if she hasn’t already, I’m guessing Dooce will soon be posting a “Things I don’t miss about Los Angeles” page. Perhaps, Bakersfield will be on that list.

  • April

    2003/01/31 at 7:42 am

    I, too, would miss my Trader Joe’s…

    but I’ll bet you don’t miss the unending footage of car chases on the local news.

  • The Other Erika

    2003/01/31 at 8:30 am

    re: car chases

    No way dude, there is actually a low speed chase on right now and it looks like he keeps stopping to ask for directions.

    ( btw no one mentioned how many times a person can say dude in a day. Makes my mom cringe and I’m 25…lol.)

  • se

    2003/01/31 at 9:20 am

    L.A.Grump: Yummm Trader Joe’s pot stickers. We call them snot pickers though. Why? ‘Cause it’s gross–“Hmmm, let’s have snot pickers tonight. Yeah!” Someday I’ll end up ordering pot stickers at a restaurant that way. I just know it.

  • Beerzie Boy

    2003/01/31 at 10:29 am

    Trader Joe’s is the bestest supermarket in the WHOLE WORLD.

  • kb

    2003/01/31 at 10:43 am

    As Maynard sang, Los Angeles is just “one great big festering neon distraction.”

    And yes, I live in LA. Pfft.

  • eyemkent

    2003/01/31 at 10:48 am

    I’m living in Santa Barbara, another unreal wonderland, and won’t bother adding… Leaving any place is the best way to appreciate it.

    (And Dooce, I too would really love to know the hows of that lovely glow effect on your beautiful pictures… Um, please?)

  • April

    2003/01/31 at 1:03 pm

    Regarding the glow effect: I’m guessing Dooce duplicated the original image on a second layer, put a Diffuse Glow on it (standard Distort tool on Photoshop, but with the graininess set to 0), maybe even added a slight Gaussian Blur, and then set that second layer to Soft Light or Lighten, with the opacity at somewhere less than 100%. Just a guess, though. I’d love to know how close or how far I am from the actual technique used.

  • dayna

    2003/01/31 at 1:03 pm

    ….seeing matthew perry outside the standard on sunset, fighting with his ladyfriend (tennis player, can’t remember her name) – then hopping, wasted, into his shiny BMW SUV. that was THE moment this canadian defines to be her ultimate LA experience.

  • Bryan

    2003/01/31 at 1:17 pm

    Yeah, I love LA weather!

  • The Other Erika

    2003/01/31 at 2:02 pm

    oooh that reminds me.. only in LA can an obliterated guy get the wrong car from valet and proceed to crash the thing on Sunset!

  • sean

    2003/01/31 at 2:26 pm

    Eyemkent: I left Salt Lake City for the OC part of L.A. and the only thing I appreciate SLC for is how much it made me appreciate L.A.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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