An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Things that are, like, totally bothering me

Mormons who believe that driving over the speed limit will prevent them from achieving their eternal salvation. I’m certain that given an open road, God would totally haul ass.

The Earthlink customer service representative handling my complaint who has apparently gone AWOL. He won’t return my phone calls or my emails, even the one in which I mentioned that I’m backed by an army of people who really like to talk about poop.


Kwick Kleenup and Kountry Kitchens, those motherphucking phreaks.

Celebrities who aren’t keeping it real.

My dog’s new habit of ?manipulative moping? wherein the little turd hides behind furniture and cowers at the slightest indication that my mood is about to change, just so that he can get more whiskey and fudgecicles.

Too much snow.

Granny’s incessant, unending stories about Brother Smith, no wait, maybe that was Brother Jensen, no wait, maybe that was Brother Petersen, no wait, I can’t remember, but it happened in 1942, no wait, maybe it was 1943.

Feeling helpless.

  • kgjbnme

    Knowing that I won’t get to have a baby for at least 2 more years. Not that the current world is one I want to raise a child in, anyway.

  • kgjbnme

    and also, this.

  • kgjbnme

    dangit, link didn’t work… serial post ahoy..

  • lordgoon

    The thing that creeps into bed with me at night and goes ‘aaaaag! aaaag!’ while I’m trying to sleep.

    Unless that’s my own ass.

    Hmm….actually, maybe it is….

  • pinklady

    earthlink was started by scientologists…i think that says it all.

  • da

    holy cow, my two favorite websites dooce and mirror project (harrumph!) linking to each other. i feel like the guy on the bud commercial who wants to date his girlfriend’s roommate and she says, “why not date us both”. woohoo

  • i know this has been said before, but DAMN, you have a beautiful dog!

  • kelldawg

    Are “Fudgesicles” real chocolate, anyway?

  • I used to work tech support. This was in the initial run-up to the Internet boom. And we were all too fucking busy building the networks to be bothered giving any service to our customers. Plus, there was A LOT of free porn on the net back then, with a whole lot less shit to dig through to get at it.

    Well, at the ISP I worked for (Mindspring was our client, and Charles Brewer had a goddamned mullet to give you an idea of the timeline here), we didn’t have the money or time to have fancy customer service software or track the length of calls or run “metrics” on our satisfaction rates. We just had to get the crap working as quickly as possible. Rebooting routers in the middle of the day was no problem and recommended by our senior network engineer. So he wouldn’t have to do anything that would pull him away from his goddamned Linux recompile, he’s say “unplug it, count to five. Plug it in. Tell them you fixed it.” It usually worked.

    But to the point, you may not know exactly what this customer service kid is up to. I have some stories I could tell, such as the kid who jacked off to pictures of naked men sitting on stools or me, who would put assholes on hold and speakerphone while playing video games just to hear them get worked up.

    You just never know.

    Somehow along the line, I developed a work ethic and find that sort of thing reprehensible. Really curious how that happened.

  • Me

    The son of the Zaire dictator who promised me millions in ill-gotten booty. I have yet to see a dime. Damn you Thomas Sese Seko!! Damn you to hell!

  • Well, I was totally hauling ass from somewhere (or nowhere) in southern Utah up to SLC to catch a plane, like I’m sure God would have done; but the Utah Storm Trooper (or whatever they call themselves) apparently didn’t like the only other car on the road going 95. I was not smote down by the Lord — for I pulled over pretty quick which the Man liked and I was obsequious and apologetic and my wife said I told you to slow down, you fucking moron, and the Man laughed his ass off and then he gave me a ticket for going only 5 mph over the limit and told me to start listening to my wife.

  • pj, you totally nailed it with that pointing-with-pinky thing. that drives me crazy.

    and i would like to add to the list of bothering shit: two of my roommate’s friends. both named jennifer. both come over and eat all my fucking food all the fucking time. my favorite is when they leave just enough of the cereal in the box to tease me when i wake up in the morning, too groggy to realize there’s only 10 cherio rings left. then being jolted awake with the sudden realization that i won’t be eating breakfast. next comes the ensuing feeling of disappointment and supreme annoyance. talk about a rude awakening. grrr.

  • unpleasant: closing escrow on my new house, today and going for final inspections and walking up on two homeless dudes sleeping on my door step and one is playing with a hypodermic needle. dang! {…think good thoughts. think good thoughts…}

  • And another thing — people who either don’t signal when changing lanes or those who DO signal but never turn off their blinker. I bet when God’s hauling ass down the Highway to Heaven, he at least uses proper blinker-signals.

  • the guy above us with the dog, who leaves sans dog. the dog then serenades us with pitiful crying for five or six hours. good times.

  • Yeah, this snow is bugging me too.

  • pbert

    Cool new graphic Dooce.

  • Eva

    I feel your pain about the snow…I live in Nova Scotia we get it from Sept to April.

  • The Drifter

    The only thing I could ever possibly want from Moby is for him to shut his fucking animal-free cakehole. He is Exhibit A of what is wrong with east coast establishment liberals with his yammering about things in bludgeoningly urgent tones. I’m sure he suggests “Silent Spring” as required reading to everyone he meets, and I’m sure he hasn’t read it himself. He’s giving real liberals a bad name. And his live show sucks ass. Wow, that felt good.


  • I hear ya, Snyder. These seemingly endless weeks of undeterred sunshine, cloudless skies and balmy 70 degrees temperatures are really getting to me. Damn the tropics.

  • that Moby reads One of today’s diary entries on reads “ugh. i’m tired of people whom i’ve never met hating me.”

  • Moby would bash his mother if he thought it would get some publicity. Fighting with Eminem got publicity, but was stupid. If he is worried about what others say about him he should watch what he says about others. Common sense tells me that. Moby is a moron. Enough said.

  • Hey Dooce – I already knew your site was like crack and I am here several times a day checking for updates – but you showed up in the flesh in my dream last night. We were both in a play and it was opening night and I hadn’t learned any of my lines. And I remember thinking, “Wow she looks different in person,” because your hair was blonde instead of septic poopy red.

  • Disclaimer: I promise I am not some obsessed psycho who is going to stalk you now. Just thought it was humorous that you were in the dream, as I’ve never met you.

  • Sure, Syrinx. That’s totally hilarious.


    You need to go calm down and listen to some more Rush.

  • well I find it kinda funny, find it kinda sad. can’t wait till they shields for cars so you can race along the street an not worry abou you insurance rates going up, killing your self or keeping you eye on the road.

  • I must be PMSing, or not dealing with some pretty deep issues, but all sorts of people are pissing me off today:
    Bible-thumpin’-Sunday-Christians…Also, martyrs…and people who thwart others’ opportunities for success and/or advancement because they are pitifully lazy or lack confidence. Since we’re on the subject, what about able-bodied people who sit at home and collect welfare? And then there are those really, really phucked up people who wipe poo on the bathroom stall walls…bathrooms where you KNOW there are no children to blame for it.

    And ya know what else? It bugs me that my feet smell when I wear nylons. A good bitchfest is good now and then….Thanks, Dooce!

  • To those of you who also hate the “Mission Mormanary” visits at your door:

    I don’t remember if this is a story I heard or if it was in a movie or what… so cut me some slack, it’s funny I don’t know where it’s from.
    There was a guy in college–you know the wacko, prank pulling, beer guzzling, flunking out of college guy that every college has at least 1000 of? Well, he lived in a 2 story house with a couple of equally insane roomates. One night as the roommates were sitting quietly downstairs Crazy Dude comes flying down the stairs naked with a jar of Vaseline in one hand and the other hand slathered in it… and he has a long candle sticking out of his ass. He tells the roomates “Light me! Light me!”, goes to the front door and starts spankin’ his monkey.
    Somehow the door gets opened and there’s two missionaries standing there as Crazy Dude’s screaming WHAT??!! WHAT???!! Pumpin’ away with all his might and his ass all a-light.

  • Things that are totally bothering me? How about Mormon bashing? I am SOOO sick of Mormon bashing – and I’m not even Mormon?! But fucking Summer – I couldn’t help laughing! See why we love her?

  • Things that bug me:

    People who come up to you, all snot nosed and whatnot and announce that they’re sick. And then they sneeze on you.

    The arsehole I got stuck behind 3 times this morning…Mister I’m too good to even bother signaling whilst cutting you off repeatedly.

    Oh, and the fact that Christina Agulira is calling herself “Xtina”.

  • Angelique

    All of them….
    being from the east coast, driving out here is enough to make you want to commit random – but completely supported by any rational court of law – acts of road rage.
    these people must be the bastard stepchildren of Utah-ians. they make u-turns from the right lane and are the worst gawkers EVER. someone stopped on the side of the road to change a tire will (honestly!!) cause an hour backup in traffic. these people sit at home all day during their 7 months of winter here, so when they get out on the road, they need to be stimulated. so annoying. i totally hear you about cold weather-ites and inability to make logical driving decisions.
    don’t come to minnesota, you’ll want to kill someone.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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