the smell of my desperation has become a stench

I’ve Got This Great Idea for a Bold New Ad

There’s like this totally desolate area, except it’s not totally desolate. Maybe it’s quasi-desolate. Yeah, that’s it, quasi. And there’s a city with buildings, but there are no people anywhere, and it’s all very post-apocalyptic and shit. No one is doing post-apocalyptic and shit these days, so we’re being very edgy that way.

And when I said there were no people anywhere I was just kidding. There are actually two people. So there are two people, and these people are very real looking. You know, real. Except they really aren’t real because real people are too fat. These people are real looking in the way that plastic is real looking. Plastic makes things possible.

So the girl who is one of these two people looks like she’s just had a fight with her tight-ass cunt of a mother. You know, she’s pissed and she looks very misunderstood like her mother just grounded her for not brushing her hair in several days. And she’s had it with her mother, and so she and her hip-bones escape through the bedroom window and find themselves walking along the streets of this quasi-desolate, post-apocalyptic city.

And the guy who is the other one of these two people, he’s been smoking some serious pot. He has dreadlocks, and people who have dreadlocks smoke pot. We don’t actually show him smoking pot, that would be illegal, but everyone knows he’s been smoking pot. Smoking pot is cool. And he looks like he could possibly have an African American mother and a Chinese father, or something like that. Maybe a Vietnamese father, you know, something very exotic.

Anyway, he’s not very upset. He’s actually very relaxed because he’s been smoking pot. And you get the idea that the guy and the girl would never associate in real life, but since they find themselves in a quasi-desolate, post-apocalyptic city they have a bond. They, like, totally get each other. And this is what it’s all about, really. Pretty people getting other pretty people.

And so they’re walking and walking and they begin to hear this huge noise in the background. Like, fucking huge. Like a stampede of wild bison or something. And the people watching the commercial know that it really is a huge fucking stampede of wild bison, or maybe buffalo. Either one will do. Whatever, just some huge hairy beasts running like hell.

So these bison are tearing the place up, there are like a gazillion of them. And glass is breaking and things are crumbling, you know, it’s a disaster. It’s chaos. It’s a metaphor for the world we live in, you know. And the people watching the commercial are like, get out of the way, you two pretty people! The huge herd of bison are headed straight for Mr. and Ms. Disaffected, and they show no signs of slowing or stopping to graze.

But the guy and the girl just stop and turn around to face the stampede, like they are totally crazy. I mean, you’d have to be crazy to stand there facing an oncoming stampede of bison at full-throttle, everybody knows that. Those bison are totally going to mutilate those two people and everyone watching the commercial is like, oh my god.

But here’s where we pull the switcheroo, here’s where we totally fool everyone. You see, what the bison and the people watching the commerical don’t know is that the jeans these two people are wearing have created an impenetrable force-field around their bodies! It’s totally like magic or something. The bison are diverted around the guy and the girl like water or something like that. And you’re totally going, holy fuck!

And the bison are going so fast that they are creating a fierce wind that is blowing gently through the girl’s disheveled hair and the guy’s dreads, totally like poetry. And she is so overhwlemed that she starts to cry, and we know that in that instant she has forgiven her tight-ass cunt of a mother. And the guy is so stoned that he doesn’t really know what the hell is going on, he just knows that it’s really fucking cool.

And to top it all off, the real clincher, what will make this the raddest jeans ad ever: we’re going to set the whole thing to this really great song, a song that should never be bastardized like it will be in this commercial. And anytime anyone who loves that song sees this commercial, they will want to take a loaded gun and empty it into the heads of whoever agreed to make this monstrosity.

  • Morgan

    2003/02/10 at 7:39 am

    On the levis site below the ads:


    Someone find me something sharp.

  • david

    2003/02/10 at 7:47 am

    i don’t know, i like the ad. i thought it was pretty cool for mogwai to get a song in the ad. we’ve been seeing more and more indie artists with music in poopular ads lately – and i think it’s good for them…

    but i do have to say… just imagine the whitney houston song ‘i will always love you’ in place of the mogwai song… the part where she goes off “and aaiieeeaiiiaiiiii will alwayyyszzzz love youuouu ohwoo ooh ooh ooh whoawhoa” when the bison are all running past these people…

    or if they REALLY wanted to make the ad freaking rock. play this band LIGHTNING BOLT while the bison are running the people over.

  • Naaman

    2003/02/10 at 8:27 am

    The girl is ugly.

    The Rainbow Connection commercial is better…only because it has the Rainbow Connection song.

    All advertising mis-uses the music behind it.

    Well, maybe not all…

  • Austin

    2003/02/10 at 8:33 am

    Stooges in a commercial:

    I thought it was great, especially as they were catering to yuppies with a song about being young, doing lots of drugs, and generally being someone they would maybe sleep with, if they got really drunk at a bar, were pissed at their ex or s.o., had nothing better to do, and were playing with developing a decent sense of self-loathing.

    But they’d ask the young, heroin-using fucker to leave first thing next morning. Maybe they’d offer them some name-brand coffee (with reall cream, even!). But probably not, ’cause they’re really got to hit the gym before ten, so you’d better just go.

  • owen

    2003/02/10 at 8:45 am

    at first I didn’t get it. wondering in in the world you where and what you were looking – then the commercial came so blatanly into focus. Yet I feel nothing as I felt when I wanted the commercial. nothing there to hate anyhow. a simple misdirection of company funds. do you come from a land down under?

  • zchamu

    2003/02/10 at 9:14 am

    Dooce baby, this post just sent me into the twilight zone. Weeeooo

  • tumbleweed

    2003/02/10 at 9:22 am

    This ad inevitably makes me think: BUFFALO. and JEANS.

    “Hello, competition? Yes, hi, Levi’s here.
    We’re planning to dream up an ad that will fail miserably. We thought, in the process, SOMEONE might as well make some cash. So we’re sending some your way.”

  • Wayne

    2003/02/10 at 9:22 am

    I was halfway through this post thinking, “I’ve seen this commercial. It’s the one for the Ford Focus, right? Or some other lame-ass compact crap-car.”

    But then halfway through I’m reminded it’s a jeans commercial. Oh, yeah! Jeans. But I fear that next time I’m out buying either jeans or some lame-ass compact crap-car, I’ll think to myself, “Which one had the bison with the dreadlocks?” And I won’t remember which is which and I’ll be all confused.

    (BTW, what’s the tune used in the Saturn crap-car commercial? The one where the rejects from the bison commercial are driving in slo-mo through kid town?)

  • dooce

    2003/02/10 at 9:24 am

    wayne: the song in the Saturn commercial is “We’ve Been Had” by the Walkmen.

  • Dang Olden

    2003/02/10 at 9:36 am

    congratulations. you’ve managed to transform an incredibly shitty commercial into one that I will now break into hysterics over the next time I see it.

  • Wayne

    2003/02/10 at 9:51 am

    Dooce! You da fricking bomb! 2 minutes! 2 minutes, folks, and I had my answer!

    Screw Google. I’m asking dooce all my questions from now on.

  • kgjbnme

    2003/02/10 at 10:17 am

    This commercial really creeps me out, gives me the A-1 heebie jeebies, because it looks like the both of them are having orgasms when they get nearly run over by a herd of buffalo. El grosso. But thanks for the conceptual walk-through, dooce — very helpful to have it straight from the horse’s mouth. heh.

  • LK

    2003/02/10 at 10:18 am

    i think it’s kinda refreshing to hear indie artists on tv. like hearing kings of convenience in the nokia commercial. or the shins in the mcdonald’s ad, even when the song has lyrics about “dirt in your fries” and bakers who “cut their thumbs and bleed into their buns.”

    i’d like to know, who’s the band played the kohl’s dept store ads? apples in stereo?

  • poop on a stick

    2003/02/10 at 10:31 am

    freaking bison….

    so am i not allowed to donate money????


    2003/02/10 at 10:33 am

    fuck the levi’s, it’s all about the paper denim & cloth

  • dooce

    2003/02/10 at 10:35 am

    haven’t personally seen the kohl’s dept store ads.

    poop on a atick, what are you talking about? you can still donate through paypal, if you want to. i have nothing but love for you, poop.

  • the media

    2003/02/10 at 10:50 am

    aren’t most ads, pretty fuckin lame. i know i make some pretty lame ass ones. but hey, it’s either that or take some time away from my drinking to actually come up with a cool one. i think thats why they invented the remote control.

  • zchamu

    2003/02/10 at 11:13 am

    by the way, you forgot the harelipped buckteeth on the toothpick.

  • PJ

    2003/02/10 at 11:21 am

    “i have nothing but love for you, poop.”

    Whoa, that’s a metaphor if I ever heard one! Good one, Dooce!

  • Emily

    2003/02/10 at 11:26 am

    And i thought they were sheep this whole time.

  • MonkeyPeaches

    2003/02/10 at 11:35 am

    I want some pants with a force field, that’s cool. But not those UGLY ones in the ad.
    The funny thing is though, I used to work for levi’s old agency, and for that to actually get on the air, they must have done at least 5 {or more} focus groups and all those people had to love it, thats really scary. Also the people in charge at levi’s are all in their late 40’s or 50’s, I can hear them now?”Oh it’s so good for the new demographic!!” or “well I don’t understand it so the kids will love it” So So Scary!
    I’m so glad I quit?

    But I still want pants with a force field.

  • jimmypage

    2003/02/10 at 11:51 am

    fuck that stupid levi commercial bullshit…

    what’s important, is that the “dude, you’re getting a dell” guy got arrested for possesion of weed.

    i can see it now… a commercial with that guy in it… and a cop slapping the cuffs on him, saying, “dude! you’re getting a cell!”.

    p.s. still waiting for you to move back to LA and get a boob job, d00ce. it’s simply imperative. so, DO IT. -jp

  • dooce

    2003/02/10 at 12:14 pm

    jimmypage: how about you move to Utah and get a penis enlargement. it’s simply imperative. so, BACK OFF.

  • Facetious Afflatus

    2003/02/10 at 12:27 pm

    I think that Levi’s commercial is an obvious teaser spot for Night of the Comet 2, coming to theatres in 2004. The beauty part is, both Robert Beltran and Catherine Mary Stewart are so available.

    Furthermore, what fucking hipsters are these agencies hiring in order to seek out bands like The Walkmen and Mogwai to exploit? What’s next, an add for some new BBQ sandwich at Burger King featuring Califone?

    And I’m not wearing any pants.

  • lola

    2003/02/10 at 12:34 pm

    what the fuck, jimmy page? dooce’s boobs are fabulous. they may even have their own force field, which, as we all know, is surgically removed in boob jobs to make room for all the plastic. pamela anderson? no forcefield for her. carmen electra? nope. no forcefield, either. lara flynn boyle clearly has her forcefield intact, although her fashion sense (and her lips) are somewhat lacking.

  • EC

    2003/02/10 at 12:38 pm

    Really, he was smoking weed? I guess I don’t know what stoned looks like. And she just had a fight with her mother? I really need to pay more attention.

  • Evan

    2003/02/10 at 12:55 pm

    I think you have the post-apocolypse thing all wrong. You have to remember, at the beginning of this saga, there is a bus with its headlights on that drives by the two walking people. What this led me to believe is that this stampede is something that occurs on a regular basis – the unfazed look on our protagonists’ faces is a testement to this.

  • Sarah B.

    2003/02/10 at 1:20 pm

    “Oh, time for the 11 o’clock stampede.”

    Um, if people who had never seen my breasts started talking about their force field, I’d be creeped out.

  • Somelier

    2003/02/10 at 2:05 pm

    Two things:

    1. Get a Tivo and you won’t have to suffer this frustration! Dooce would love it. They simply rock

    2. Sadly Mogwai are going the way of Moby – prepare to hear them a whole lot more 🙁

  • jimmypage

    2003/02/10 at 2:21 pm


    damn, woman… go easy.

    i thought you liked chicks with nice fake boobs… and there’s no reason to drag my cock into this.

    move to utah? are you fucking kidding me? the only reasons people move there are 1) because they’re mormon, or 2) because they’re poor and have family that are morons… err mormons. -jp

  • scotty the body

    2003/02/10 at 2:24 pm

    oh lordy!

    those models are a funky-looking lot. She’s even got Euro teeth. The guy’s probably a hip hop star from Amsterdam.

  • scotty the body

    2003/02/10 at 2:25 pm

    Also, what channels are you watching? Those commercials are never on during Mario Eats Italy…

  • dooce

    2003/02/10 at 2:28 pm

    jimmypage: no offense intended to your penis. it’s just time for everybody to leave my boobs out of this. my boobs are happy where and as they are, and the only person who really should be thinking about them is my husband. period. perhaps on occasion my doctor.

  • bucci

    2003/02/10 at 4:04 pm

    I see buffalo on a daily basis. Really. And now everytime I see them I think of that commercial. You know the market on buffalo is crashing. The meat is so cheap that the farms who raise them will actually let you go hunt one down with a rifle rather than raise it to full size. They lose money on feeding them up to full size. Our economy sucks. Trickle down? Didn’t we try that already. Damn G. Bush and his war mongers.

  • lola

    2003/02/10 at 4:39 pm

    you’re right, you’re right, you’re right. the boobs with forcefields is totally creepy. and i’m a wholesome, ex-baptist, former midwesterner, so i don’t think i’m allowed to be creepy. cuz of the guilt, ya know?

    it was just one of those things that sounds funny in your head (boobs! forcefields!) and now i’m thinking it must have been caused by all those sweet tarts i was eating. damn their sweet tartiness! many apologies to you and your boobs, Dooce.

  • JustMe

    2003/02/10 at 4:55 pm

    I hate that stupid commercial too. Took me a minute to figure out where you were going.

  • the media

    2003/02/10 at 4:59 pm

    one of your best posts.

  • shotwise

    2003/02/10 at 6:49 pm

    I can’t believe you’re bringing up the stupid bison commercial! I’ve been talking about this awful, awful piece of advertising crap with my friends ever since its debut during the Superbowl. What ticks me off is that not only was someone paid (a lot) to think up the drivel-ly ad and someone was paid (a lot) to shoot the ad, but Levis paid around *two million dollars* to show the spot during the game. I consider myself pretty witty, but how can I get hold of some of this easy, easy money?

  • Ren

    2003/02/10 at 7:06 pm

    I was still flummoxed over the Levi’s commercial with the guy diving in the water for the French/English dictionary whilst the music of AIR played. Oh for the 80’s days of 501. “Is your fly buttoned? Yeah, it buttoned.”

  • boiled bunny

    2003/02/10 at 7:42 pm

    I know this is every 16 year-old skater boys’ fantasy, but why can’t they just kick it old skool?

  • Me

    2003/02/10 at 7:57 pm

    “Dickslap” is an even funnier word Sarah B. “As in he/she needs to be dickslapped!” See also “cockpunch”

  • james

    2003/02/10 at 8:17 pm

    This sucky ad sure has lots of people talking about it. Isn’t that the real point of advertising? Is any publicity still good publicity?

  • Jennifer

    2003/02/10 at 11:58 pm

    I hate that commercial with an all consuming hatred. HATRED!

    Unlike my deep abiding love for those Axe “Mannequin” commercials. BAH HA HA! “I know you not touchin’ my mannequin”… BA HA HA! Genius!

    Unlike Bison related jeans.


  • Ryan

    2003/02/11 at 2:35 am

    if that’s what their jeans do, just think what their underpants would be capable of…

  • Beerzie Boy

    2003/02/11 at 6:57 am

    One of the primary reasons to avoid Tee Vee.

  • The Inmate

    2003/02/11 at 7:30 am

    I haven’t even SEEN the much-maligned publicity morsel.

    I hate not having any contact with the outside world (save for the Internet, which isn’t too bad).

    I can’t believe I’m actually saying this, but I wish I had a TV.

  • Greg

    2003/02/11 at 7:31 am

    The jeans commercial that uses CCR’s “Fortunate Son.” is another ad that really knows how to honor the spirit behind the song.

  • darsella

    2003/02/11 at 9:50 am

    i agree with everyone here. stupid stupid ad. then again, we’re all talking about it, which is pretty much what levis wants.

    question: does anyone know which ad agency was paid top d
    ollar to create this mess?

  • Chizantski

    2003/02/11 at 10:02 am

    That ad is super wack, but you know what ad really bites the nut? Those stupid frickin anti-drug ads, especially the one about pot and driving accidents. what a joke! I’d definitely like to find out what agency did those ads, and send them a shit sandwich.

  • leblanc

    2003/02/11 at 12:12 pm

    i’m glad i don’t watch t.v. was this thing on during the super bowl or something?

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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