An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

My Favrit Nabors

I’m not ashamed to admit that I don’t like kids, or at least most kids. Most kids are abrasive and annoying and should be treated like a fungus. I have no problem with babies because babies at least smell good. This might seem like a huge problem considering that my husband and I are actively pursuing a family of our own, but I firmly believe that all kids don’t need to be sprayed with Formula 409 Degreaser or duct-taped to a chair and gagged in a daily basis, and I’m willing to take my chances. Some kids are super cool.

Some kids include the four girls who live next door to my mother. The oldest is Maddy, age 10, followed by a set of twins, Alex and Ally, age 8, and the youngest is Isabelle, age 6. They are the coolest set of sisters I have ever met, and I don’t ever get tired of listening to them talk and talk about what they learned in science class today, like how flies produce a viscous mucus everytime they land on something, so I had better watch out for flies! They are refreshingly fearless, always walking around with worms or bugs in their cupped hands, or digging up snails and throwing them over the fence so that their shells will make that spectacular cracking sound when they hit the concrete on the other side. When I was their age I would have been on a Save The Snails campaign and cried if I ever found one in pain, and when I told Alex this she said, “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.” I so want to be Alex when I grow up.

I’ve taught the three oldest sisters to do backflips and back-hand-springs on the trampoline, and everytime I go over to play they’ve mastered another acrobatic feat and CAN’T WAIT to show me. The youngest is too small to do flips, but she’s constantly entertaining us with her itty-bitty helium voice and 40-yr old attitude. One of the twins won her school’s spelling bee the other day by spelling ADOPT the right way, and Isabelle, wanting to be included in the conversation says, “Heather, I ADOPT you! [giggle giggle] I’m just KIDDING! I CAN’T ADOPT! I’M STILL LITTLE!”

Chuck gets to play with their Australian Shepherd, Max, who is at the same time the most poncy and most aggro dog on the planet. They play for hours at a time, biting each other’s necks and ears and falling all over each other like little homosexual canine lovers. Chuck has a permanent grass burn on his nose from trying to bite Max’s ankles and failing miserably.

When we told them several weeks ago that we were going to move out of my mother’s basement and into our own house they didn’t quite know how to react. Why couldn’t we live with my mother forever? (BECAUSE I WOULD EVENTUALLY KILL MY STEP-FATHER IN HIS SLEEP, that’s why, but I didn’t share that with them, they probably wouldn’t understand) I assured them that I would come and visit often and that they could come see my new house and we could totally play Barbies in my new basement.

This weekend their mother brought over a set of good-bye cards they’d made for me and Jon and Chuck. And seriously, if ever there was a reason to like kids, these cards are totally that reason. Especially since the pictures they drew of me are eerily accurate and flattering in a we-don’t-remember-your-septic-tank-poopy-red-hair kind of way.

I’m totally going to miss them.

Here’s what Alex thinks I look like (click on image for the whole card):

Here’s what Ally thinks Chuck looks like (click on image for the whole card):

Here’s what Isabelle thinks I look like (click on image for the whole card):

  • Xiobhan

    Yes, children may smell good, but do they have puppy breath? Also, don’t keep in touch with them. After enough time you will have achieved mythical status in their young memories as one of the coolest people they ever knew. They’ll share stories about you to new friends, they’ll secretly wish they were you, they’ll remember you as perfection and you can’t beat that. Everyone should have someone like that.

  • Lin

    Those drawings are adorable!

  • I’m gonna cry. That’s pretty damn sweet.

  • Leah

    Love this one!!! Kids. BEST thing that ever happened in my seemingly dull life. It’s like having your heart walk around outside of your body.

  • my kid rocks, that’s for sure. i knew that when he started singing the clash and pumping the horns high in the air (or as high as a three-year-old can).

    the strangest things about parenting is knowing that you are writing in a blank book, shaping and warping those little minds. (evil laughter)

    good luck on your baby-making. even if you don’t get pregnant immediately (now! now!), it’s always fun practicing.

  • PJ

    My son’s friend informed me recently that you should wash eggs before you use them because they come from a chicken’s butt.

  • todd

    this is what i keep telling my friends about kids and none of them believe me. when i fessed up that i would love to have one or two, i thought some of them were going to drop their teeth. this is not the type of info that single gay men can handle very well for some reason. idiots! you and blurb rock and you will make great parents. you’ve had great practice with that cute chuck. granted kids are not the same as dogs, but you have to start somewhere. when are you closing on the house, by the way?

  • those kids would knock my socks off. what a group.

  • Ally will be the one with natual art talent. It’s rare for a child of 8 to actually draw in perspective, such as the hind legs and how the head actually sits forward. I hope someone keeps her stocked on art supplies =)

  • Shawn

    Conversation between 3 year-old son and myself:

    Son: “I have a great idea”
    Me: “What is it?”
    Son: “A great idea”


  • I love the pictures! Theres something soo..soo.. honest that comes out when kids draw things. As far as the kids debate goes..(only judging with my experience with my little sister) it is a cycle. They are incredibly cute and fun in the early years, then become a pain, then are fun, then become a pain, then hopefully end on the fun note. Do you have names picked out already?

  • All kids/babies are cool from the start. It’s the parents that can make or break it. christine

  • Lex

    Man, IRK totally stole my idea.

    Dooce, you’re gonna be a great mom. As for “spoiled” kids raising hell in restaurants, etc., you childless people would be *amazed* at what kind of misbehavior one can overlook when one is in the throes of sleep deprivation.

  • Do you actually have a shirt in that funky green color?

  • I was first thinking, what the hell a nabor is and then it hit me; it was neighbor. How adorable. Smart kids rock.

  • I really like how Alex made your lips look like a fabulously red sombrero.

    Thought I’d say hello and let you know I really enjoy your writing.

  • Ah, kids who are worth it – they’re such a rarity. I’m lucky – three of my brothers have lovely kids, all interesting and smart and funny. And they do love their Uncle, even if he’s the only one who can be an ogre with them and get away with it.

    Love the blog, although you should get a cat and lose the dog. 😉

  • lock ’em in the closet until they are old enough to mow the (new) lawn! – or make you a cocktail – kidding…sort of.

  • It’s like the traveling cowboy just stumbled into town and the nearest saloon and spit right on the toughest sharpshooter without even knowing it. He’s laughing, but all the joe’s and ladies in the bar are silent, staring, waiting to see what the tough guy is gonna do.

    Spike. Lemme let you in on a little secret: CONGRESSMAN CHUCK IS NOT JUST ANY DOG.

    I’m totally grabbing a margarita and a front row seat, waiting for Dooce’s response to this one.

  • Dave Thomas

    If the dog’s all that, let him defend himself. Let’s see them claws a-clickety clickin’ on the old keyboard, tell you what.

  • I’m impressed that Isabelle used “you’re” instead of “your”. She could teach many adults a thing or two.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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