An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation


I was actually going to write a post about the comments I’m inevitably going to get now that I’m pregnant from people who think that my website should be a place for them to live out their wild and drunken fantasies, people who have come here and said before that marriage and moving to Utah and life itself has tamed me, people who are frustrated that I don’t talk about lesbian sex anymore, and I made up this comment earlier today and sent it to a friend in an email:

“Dooce, babe, I’m sorry but you’ve totally lost it. I remember when you were a hip young thing in LA rubbing elbows with celebrities and getting drunk and shit. You’ve totally lost your edge. It can’t be marriage, because I’m married and I’m still the coolest person ever. I’m totally bored with you now. Bye, bye.”

You know the comments, they’ve been left here before. And they never leave a valid email address or website, or use their real name.

And then someone today left this gem, anonymous and with no email address, almost WORD FOR WORD like the one I made up. Amazing!

“Congrats, but I must say – I’ve found I’m pretty much done with this site. Nothing personal, but we’re a long way from the shit talkin, booze drinking, running into stars, getting fired from her job, Dooce. Now it’s just puppies, babies, and Martha Stewart. Hello LifetimeTV. Don’t say, ‘well don’t read it then!’ Because I won’t – it’s just that it was at one time exciting, hip and cutting edge. I wish you the best Dooce and Blurb, but I think it’s time I sailed into the sunset. Yeah I know, you’re saying ‘good riddence.'”

The thing is, I’m totally not saying good riddance. I’m saying, BELIEVE ME, MOTHERFUCKER, YOU DON’T WANT TO MESS WITH HORMONAL PREGNANT LADY.

  • You’re gonna have a baby. YOU’RE GONNA HAVE A BABY!!! I’m so fucking happy for you both, you motherfuckers!

    Shit. I just sent you all my best stuff in your “Cheer Up” care package. Now I have to come up with a “New Arrival” care package.

  • real name, real email, real website 🙂

    i just caught on to your website like a week ago and i must say, yeah you’re a grown woman, but you still write about real stuff and that’s what makes your website so damn interesting. Congrats to you for that.

    Congrats also with the whole baby thing, gonna name it Michael? 🙂

  • Dave

    Pregnant or whatever you remain a compelling exemplar of all that is hip and cool.

  • Jen

    Dooce, I must say that you’re the only weblogger that I’ve ever come across whose lengthy archives I’ve bothered to read in full, because you’re just that darn good.

    You have the gift of being able to write about the most mundane of tasks and events (watching a Levis commercial, or grabbing pudding) with the kind of talent that makes word whores like me wet in their special places.

    Keep it up, and congratulations on the new addition to the blurbdoocery!

  • Pat

    girl don’t sweat the scuz we got your back we’ll knock em down for you to stomp on them small minded scuz like that have huge cunts and very small dicks
    you just keep rocking on

  • “Kill Whitey!”

  • Inez

    The hell with them. I don’t post a comment very often but I do read and enjoy your site everyday.

  • :::laughing to myself:::


  • Is it just me, or are you saying you’re ‘pregnant from people who think that your website should be a place for them to live out their wild and drunken fantasies’?

    And there (s)he’s saying you’ve lost your edge 🙂

    Anyway, such comments being so similar to what you made up yourself says more about your ability to put yourself in their position and their inability to come up with something original than it does about the way you choose to live your life, what you put on your site, and their coolness alltogether.

  • Dooce, if I were a rich woman, I would buy you a new car just to see this on your baby’s birth certificate:

    Kaysional Tempest

    Why yes, I was fooling around with the Utah Baby Namer. Thank you for asking.

  • innit!

  • Marc

    tsk…language dear,language!

  • As I told my six-year old: It’s too bad that some people can only feel good about themselves by making other people feel bad. Of course, I was specifically referring to other first-graders, but, obviously, some people never mature beyond that level.
    I think you’re cool.

    P.S. I have a minivan (grimace), but I found a bumper-sticker that says, “Minivans are tangible evidence of evil” so I feel a little better about the whole thing.

  • If it helps, I will talk about lesbian sex for you.

    CONGRATULATIONS. Awesome news. Am really happy for you!

  • I’ve worked in the same place for about three years (blame the tech collapse for that) and have seen both me and my friends/colleagues grow considerably in that time. We were effectively a rabble of drunken college students and have become sensible(ish)though slightly disillusioned adults who are now getting married, having babies and buying houses. I think that anyone who had wanted to carry on drinking ’til closing time on a Tuesday evening would be sat in the pub on their own wondering where everyone else has gone. It just happens – like going bald.

  • Know what’s funny? The people that actually take the time to TELL you that they are leaving. You know? Just leave! Don’t SAY you’re leaving. Peace, dooce. And congrats.

  • EC

    Whaa? Hormonal…PREGNANT? Did I miss a post somewhere? Congratulations! You think Chuck was some good content? Just wait, let the poopy times roll.

  • shy

    wow – i must have missed that comment! that dude/dudette has forgotten that this is still somewhat of an online journal. it’s not a place of fictional fantasy written to please the audience… and i never expect an author of any online journal to write to up his/her ratings. that totally defeats the point. online journals will change and evolve and go through phases both good and bad with the owner of the site. isn’t it that the way it’s suppose to be? anyway, one last time… congrats about the mini-dooce on his/her way!!!

  • Please continue to write about whatever the hell you please. It wouldn’t be Dooce any other way. And personally, I’m MUCH looking forward to forthcoming stories infused with a hormonal edge and the optimistic, ebulliant glow that only a pregnant woman can have! Congrats again…

  • I find it funny when people react this way in order to make themselves feel better about living a reckless lifestyle all the while doubting it. Don’t get me wrong, the reckless life is fucking blast for a while, but then you start to wonder what’s it like to not feel hung-over and shitty every day, what it’s like to remember conversations and nights out on the town, and you start to rethink things a bit. I obviously can’t speak for everyone, but that’s been my experience.

    Jealousy rears its stinkin head. Babies are cool, reckless and exciting.

  • Congrats again, and hey, babies make it all more interesting.

    Fuck anyone who says otherwise.

  • Jon

    Bah! They are fools for sending such messages. Congrats. I *like* that your material has changed, it means you’re a human being, and not a robot.

    RobotBlog script:
    1) Choose 1 out of 5 “accepted” scripts.
    2) Rinse, repeat.

  • J


  • Matt

    Well, if they need to move on, let ’em. You have a solid loyal readership, here Dooce. Just like the papers, though, people get disenchanged sometimes. It’s got nothing to do with you.

    I’m pretty sure the first word will be either Blurb or Dooce. I have no idea what my child’s first words will be… THAT great adventure (the baby) will begin sometime in the next few days!

  • zchamu

    It’s called having a full, multidimensional life, people! Nobody stays in the same lifestyle forever – and if they do, it’s called a “rut”. The ironic part is, that person will likely be back in a few years, once THEY start frequenting Home Depot.

    Congratulations, BlurboDooce!

  • Fuck him/her. Life grows up. Deal with it.

  • kim

    just keep on keepin on…..


  • I suspect having a child might soften you up a little, but it isn’t going to damage the style and skill you have. You’re site will still be one of my favorites, even if it is a new, different, dooce talking.

    The Dooce is dead, long live the Dooce! 😉

  • slave to the world

    fuck ’em , dooce. they’re obviously bored with their lives that they have to live vicariously through you.

  • dude, “wild and drunken fantasies” don’t hold a candle to hormonal pregnant fantasies.

    congratulations and best wishes!

  • Who’s to say that getting married and having babies and Martha Stewart is boring?

  • JenMac

    I have been silently enjoying your blog for some time now. I wasn’t around for the LA period, and I’m sure it was cool, but I think jackass has a very narrow definition of cool. You’re a very crafty writer, that’s why I keep reading. Congratulations to both of you. I’m looking forward to following this very big, very cool change in your lives!

  • Part of the joy of blog reading is getting to watch the writers evolve and grow and change in real time…and it gets REALLY interesting over longer periods of time. I’ve been reading the diary of this rural canadian teenage mallrat for almost three years, and it’s amazing to see how she’s changed. It’s facinating when you look at the story arc of her life these past few years. Same with you, Heather. The marriage, the move, the pregancy…the plot just gets more interesting!

  • bigbigtruck

    Good “riddence” indeed.

    How rude.

  • Well, you know, if it’s the tantalization of sensationalization, that’s what E! is for, fuckers. Or get some lube and whack a smile onto your face. And shut up.

  • you know, dooce… i think my wife said that to me just last night!

    cogratulations, too. welcome to the world of waiting for nine-freaking-months!

  • Marvelous

    ive been reading you fooorever you kicked ass then and you kick even more ass now. It’s ashame people are so dissatisfied with thier lives that they lash out at those who aren’t in hopes of making themselves feel better. I feel bad for you anonymous poster you must lead a very very sad life

  • Yeah DOOCE, damn you all to hell for not keeping up with the drunk, poop, crap! How dare you get older and more mature! I want to see how when you 69 you get drunk and walk down the street asking people about their poop. How dare you have a family and move on in life! This isn’t about you! We control you! obey! obey! 🙂

  • I completely agree with Ariel (post #83). No matter how good somebody is at writing, having the same subject matter over and over for years (and just telling it in a slightly different way), wouldn’t keep your audience interested. It would also mean that you’re not naturally progressing as a person, growing up and changing because of all the experiences you’ve lived through. We can only write about the things we know — you wrote about L.A. when you were there, and now you write about your current life (as you SHOULD).

  • Dooce, with my wife having given birth to a beautiful baby boy a mere 5 weeks ago, I must say that your priorities do change but I haven’t felt any more maturation happening. And I am someone who could probably use with some growing up. 32 and still acting like I’m 18. Look forward to the best time of your life!

  • i used to read this site by this guy who wrote great, sharp, funny stuff, and now all he writes his how everyone thinks he’s great and how much of an asshole he was to some guy on the street, so i can see prefering one type of writing over another, but it’s your site, not ours. besides, everyone has to grow up a little at some point.

  • that’s motherfucking right, motherfucker!

    go dooce! you’re motherfucking PREGGERS! it’s seriously the coolest thing i’ve heard all day.

  • a good writer can make any content interesting and entertaining. in my opinion, you certainly qualify.

  • ::laughing along with Leslie about “reproDOOCE”::

    Dooce, this is just like the stuff rock bands go through when they expand their material and change style. There will always be some diehards that get pissy about the change from the format they have become fixated on, because what they really want is to hear the same formula song over and over. On the flipside, then there will be the vast majority who will grow with the band, and realize that if the music is still rocking, who cares if it’s not exactly like their first CD? It’s still good.
    For example, did “Meet the Beatles” sound ANYTHING like “Let It Be?” Not really. Did that mean the Beatles sucked because they grew up? Most fans would say “No way, they rocked ’til the end.”

    And Dooce, girl, you are still rocking.

    Here’s wishing you a happy pregnancy and a healthy, wonderful story line, er, baby. 😉

  • betty

    I’ve been a lurker since the early days, so when a friend directed me to “Tha Shizzolator” I had to plug in to see what happened. Try it, using the URL for this post (even after it’s archived), and see the Snoop-style version of Dooce’s fiestiness.

    Congrats on the babe, Dooce. I love you. Sinceriously.

  • Sarah

    Dooce- I have been reading for what seems like forever- and I have to say that your writing style is what keeps me coming back for more and more- and I can’t for the life of me think why anyone would post something like that if they weren’t in fact trying to get attention. Keep that in mind with a kid on the way. You are edgy and entertaining- no matter what you talk about. Keep it up!

  • An expectant mother is the most irresistable force and most immovable object on the planet. Nothing can stand in your way.

  • You are way too great.

  • melissa

    true dat.

  • Lisa

    Ever consider that the friend you sent the fake email to might have set you up? That could explain the anonymous/wrong-email stuff…

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

read more