An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Happy Second Annual Dooce Got Fired Day

With all the exciting sleeplessness going on in the Armstrong household I somehow managed to forget the anniversary of losing my job because of this website. If you are unfamiliar with what happened you can read about it here or here, but all you really need to know is this:

You shouldn’t write about your job on your website.

Last year I celebrated the first anniversary by opening up comments and asking readers to share what song and book they’d take with them if they had to flee a nuclear holocaust. I thought that would be a healthy alternative to how I really wanted to celebrate which was to drink a lot of alcohol and take a lot of drugs and listen to a lot of Joy Division. I was in a bad place last year.

This year I’m in a much better place albeit a much less rested place. Even if I weren’t breastfeeding and could drink alcohol or take drugs I probably wouldn’t because that would mean I could miss a frog smile or a frog sigh or a frog flailing of the legs while I’m temporarily not sober and considering that there are a limited number of frog smiles before they turn into frog screams and frog slamming of doors and frog outbursts of the You’re totally embarrassing me, mom! variety, being temporarily not sober right now is just not worth the sacrifice.

This year I’d like to open up comments again, a highly dangerous endeavor on this website as my comments section tends to attract the most deranged people on the internet. I guess I’m so sleep deprived right now that I’m looney enough to take this risk.

This year’s question is more job-related seeing as I am celebrating the loss of a job-related thing, that being my job.

What is the most insane thing your boss has ever said to you?

I’ll go first, and this is totally 100% pure and complete genuine truth:

“You look like a naughty school girl in those black tights. I’d like to spank your bottom.”

Why I didn’t sue that company for the entire $70 million dollars in venture capital it wasted is one of the true mysteries of my life. I think I just ignored the whole thing because my boss was British and had really bad teeth, and I figured that British men with really bad teeth just didn’t know any better.

(note: House Rules still apply for commenting. House Rules are as follows: 1) Be nice. 2) Don’t say anything mean about Britney Spears.)

  • I was feeling under the weather because of recent events in my life and didn’t feel my usual “perky” self (not that anyone noticed this except him.) My boss enters my office, closes the door and yells:
    “You’re not ALLOWED to have emotions. You are the Office Administrator. If you come in under the weather, all of the employees will follow your lead and do a half-assed job, too. Snap out of it, or don’t come to work.” What a dick.

  • “Me: “Thank you for calling, goodbye” (replaces phone receiver)
    Boss: I need to speak to you. About your accent. On the phone. You need to modify it.”

    First job, on the phone to customers.
    Place: Edinburgh.
    Boss: Edinburgh native. Posh Edinburgh accent.
    Me: Scottish Highlands native. “Normal” regional accent.
    His problem: didn’t like regional accents, even though I neved used dialectal words on the phone and was perfectly intelligible.
    My problem: He was a complete and utter dickhead!
    His problem: He didn’t realise that surveys have been done in the UK and it’s PROVEN that people like hearing Scottish accents on the phone!

  • C. Austin

    My boss gave me a pair of black thong underwear for Christmas at our annual party…when I opened them (in front of everyone) she said, “I thought your husband would like you prancing around in those instead of the grannie panties I know you wear.” WHAT?!?!

  • teresa

    “my newborn son would love you because you have big boobs”

  • Upon finding out that a coworker and I were dating, my boss (male) asked: “So what’s the sex like? He looks capable for lots of fun!”
    My response: “Uh….”

  • jessica

    not so much said, as did. i was working your typical teenager job: little caesars pizza! pizza! there i was, putting the little pepperoni’s on the pizza for the customer. my boss liked working the “pizza dress” station (where i was working) and wanted to do that instead of whatever other pizza related job he was currently doing. how did i know he wanted my job, pizza dress station? because he physically picked me up and placed me in the pizza packaging section and proceeded to dress pizzas with pepperoni and the like. aahh. good times.

  • Andrea

    I told him, “I think I may want to go to law school one day.”

    He told me, “You don’t want to do that, law school is for assholes.”

    I am now enjoying law school, and there are a lot fewer assholes here than at my old job.

  • “if you’re going to do any drugs, please do them outside.”

    (and)

    “don’t play nickelback ever again; you’ll be fired. that’s called breaking format.” and when i protested that it was on the playlist…he screamed, “there are such a thing as paper spins!!”

  • Fu

    “Have you ever grabbed __’s ass, just to see what it feels like?” o.o;

  • “you can do that over the weekend, right?”

    hey, lady, my weekend is MINE.

    ———————

    and when this guy was standing in for our principal (he was doing his internship) he tried to tell me HOW to discpline students. these kids were alternative school kids who had been kicked out of the regular high school program, were on probation, on their second or third kid, or who never came to school because they were too busy getting high and arrested. he wanted me to put their name on the board and put a check next to it each time they did something wrong. yeah, okay, THAT would work.

  • Upon hearing that I was pregnant at 19 I was told by my female manager:

    “If you were my daughter you never would have had sex in the first place”

    Shortly thereafter I found a note asking my coworkers if there was anything they found wrong with my performance because she would like to get rid of me.

    I left and never went back, which is too bad because I probably could have had a great discrimination case against her.

  • Blues

    Him: “We need these Flash galleries up in two days.”
    Me: “We don’t have the Macromedia Flash software.”
    Him: “Can’t you hand-code it?”

  • Adrienne

    “Just curious, but have you ever had a lesbian encounter?” and “Oohh, you’re feet are so tiny, what size are they?” (They’re 8’s (ahem), and yes, same guy).

  • Recently: Sitting down for a perfomance appraisel/plea-for-a-raise with my boss, which I had to iniate. I detailed all the extra duties I had picked up in the last year, that the former manager never did. Boss to me, “well, that’s not outside of the expectations of your job.”

    Noooooo….apparently they were just outside of the expectations of the former, better-paid manager.

    Much less recently: When waiting tables at a high-end restaurant, I was standing, back to restaurant, in the wait station talking to the other waiters. A manager walks up behind me, and apparently really needing to talk to the waiters, decides to quiet me by putting an arm around my shoulders, to keep me from moving and a hand over my mouth. I get chills just thinking about it.

  • Mr Bungle

    One time at work, my boss was quite drunk and was staggering around the room, then he looks at me and goes.

    “I know, that you know, that I know, you want to f— me in the ass. So when I bend over and grab my ankles, start f—in’.”

  • starchy

    This falls into the witty comebacks category:

    Jessica, wearing a monogrammed sweater, a la Laverne and Shirley style, is sitting at her desk.

    Boss: “Does that J stand for Jew?”

    Jess, not missing a beat: “No sir. You know I’m Catholic. The J is for Jesus.”

  • Laura

    “Bend over that desk and I’ll give you your annual performance review.” I replied simply “You’d damn well better just give me a raise NOW.”

  • A few weeks before my second sonw as born..my boss comes strolling by my desk telling me how excited he and his family was to be able to be in the birthing room when our son was born. Yes it was a total joke made up between him and my husband but hey carried it on for weeks. I cried and actually called my best friend telling her I was going to have to quit my job and divorce mu husband. The finally admitted it after weeks of talking about it. I still have to get Both of the back for thatone.

  • becky the menace

    “Why that robot jerkoff motherfucker!” said in response to a subcontractor acting, well, like a robot jerkoff motherfucker.
    it’s always fun to see the straitlaced swear.

  • “Go find busy people and interview them.”

    or, my least personal favorite:

    “You’re pregnant? I figured that. You’re still getting written up anyway.”

  • Michelle

    While working at a tiny Midwest credit card company, I received responsibility for a project that wasn’t going well (responsibility meaning gathering requirements, coding, testing and approval). My boss lays a whitepaper on VISA International’s testing program on my desk, which involves several hundred people and and tons of software and hardware, the cost of which rivals the GDP of Bolivia.

    Me: Yeah, I read that article…what was that for?
    Her: Well, I just thought it might be something that we could implement in light of the current circumstances.
    Me: (long pause)
    Me: Do you remember, during my interview, I asked if you had a separate testing department?
    Her: (shaking her head with a half hearted laugh) Oh yeah, that was a total lie.

  • Tim

    “Fuck you, asshole!”

    Nice way to motivate your employees, eh?

  • BOSS:”You should listen to me, I’ve worked for dozens of internet companies.”
    ME:”Oh really, which ones?”
    BOSS:”That’s really not important, anyhow, they’re all out of business now.”

  • danni

    I was asked to go to an island to help open a new store. When my boss wanted me in at 3AM for opening day and the ferry didn’t start running until 7AM they chose to put me in the company rented house on the island.
    Boss: Just take a taxi to the house.
    Me: what’s the address?
    Boss: I don’t know
    Me: Can you give me directions on how to get there?
    Boss: Not to sure where it is. Why don’t you flag down a police car and ask them where the (company name) House is? They get called out there all the time.

    Needless to say he was staying back on the mainland in a hotel room. The bastard.

  • Sam

    “Would you go apple picking with me? I know you’re wearing a short skirt and heels, and that you’d have to climb a ladder, but I’d hold the ladder for you.”

  • I for one am terrified of losing my job because of my blog.

    Therefore, I almost never post about my work day, which is a shame because I would have a lot to post.

  • “I know that they clicked the wrong thing and that’s why it messed up.

    Can’t you make it so the site goes to what they REALLY meant to click, instead of what they actually did? How long would that take?”

    I charge $10k/hour for a site created with telepathic-technology.

  • another mommy

    I have been reading your site since you were pregnant with leta, and i laughed my ass off on every pregnant post.

    I just wanted to tell you something you already know, you have a beautiful daughter

    and no i’m not kissing ass

  • “Don’t wear that nail polish again – it looks unprofessional.”
    It was red.
    RED!
    I know! Crazy!

  • I, at the tender age of 20, was fired because of my blog (I’ll be 21 next month). Most of the things that boss said to me were insane, but what takes the cake is this one…
    The restaurant where I was waitressing got new soda glasses that were bigger than the old ones. In a staff meeting, I remarked that they were “Beasty.”
    To this, my boss replied, “Beasty. I like that. It’s what my wife calls me in bed.”

  • boss: “I told my husband that we were going shopping together after work, okay?”
    me: “?”
    boss: leaves in unidentified car with husbands best friend for hotel sexfest.

  • “Oh, I didnt see you standing there until you turned sideways. You should stand sideways more often. You just look better that way.”

    What a pig!

  • absolutdi

    While in college, my boyfriend at the time became deathly ill without the doctors really able to figure out was going on in the grand scheme of things after an entire month of being in the hospital, losing 35 pounds, three exploratory surgeries, etc. I was a student worker on campus, and the office I worked in had this woman that was the biggest gossip fiend in the world. When she caught wind about my boyfriend’s situation, the woman would come in everyday to ask about him. At first, I thought it was very sweet of her to care, but not when she started telling me all these random horror stories about hospitals, doctor mishaps, etc that would send me into near panic attacks thinking that my boyfriend was seriously about to die on me. I guess it is sort of like all the pregnancy horrors that get told to you while you are carrying the child. The situation is out of your control, and here this person is causing you even more angst while trying to be “helpful.” Finally, my boss had to go to her, and tell her that her advice wasn’t appreciated after seeing the state they left me in. She would pop her head in and tell me about some new disease she heard of that “unfortunately was terminal, but sounded a lot like what your boyfriend had…!” Once he finally made it through, it was all I could do not to go into her office and throw every heavy object in there at her.

  • d

    While taking distress calls from senior citizens during an ice storm that lasted a week and knocked out power;

    “So when the attention seekers start calling…”

  • I once had a boss tell me that the congregating of more than 5 people in our aisle is discouraged.

    Anytime that discussion took place after that, we were sure to count the number of people participating as to comply.

  • ccs

    in response to my calling in absent from work due to an impromptu hailstorm that closed down all major roadways:

    “next time, remember your employee handbook: we need at least a day’s notice if you won’t be here.” notice from whom, NATURE?
    —-
    in response to my complaint that a co-worker was treating me like her personal secretary:

    “she scares me, too. but i can’t fire her because she’s been here longer than i have.”

  • Margie

    While we were alone in the building, with arms wide open: “I could really use a hug.” (shudder)

  • I had just brought in the daily balance sheet and was placing it on the Boss’s desk when I hit a pen and it fell to the floor. I bent over to pick it up, and placed in on the desk. He knocked the pen over again and said, “Would you bend over and pick it up again, I could almost see a nipple” He was old enough to be my father/grandfather—ewwww.

  • At a job interview the CEO told me that I had an “impish smile.” I didn’t take the job.

  • mpap

    Many years ago, in a previous life as a bank teller, I dreaded/anticipated Friday evenings. My alcholic branch manager would return to the bank after three hours of snorkling at the local watering hole, extract a bullwhip from from his lower right hand desk drawer, and make it snap while demanding “Deposit those paychecks!” to the poor, terrified, underpaid workers waiting in line to cash their weekly paychecks. Unbelievably, He rose in the ranks. He stopped rising when he died.

  • Every shift, without fail, the corporate lackey/manager at the movie theatre greeted me with “Juan is in da houuuuuuse!”

    This from a middle-aged, nerdy white guy. Have you no shame, sir?

  • Without going into too much detail, certain co-workers of mine are apt to dispense what we refer to as “Redneck Wisdom”. Among these nuggets are that the French are involved in a conspiracy to promote mad cow disease in the US.

  • “Please try not to read too much into the fact that your job is being advertised in the paper this week.”

  • w

    I would love to answer this question because I have some doozies, but I am going to take advantage of this opportunity to say: I HAVE SEEN ONE PICTURE OF LETA! ONE! What is wrong with the world? I know that you know and there is nothing that you can do, but these pictureless pictures are taunting me.

  • “Of COURSE you can open an .exe file on the Mac!”

  • dmp

    “We see the web as the first step toward interactive television. That’s why we call our sections channels.”

  • i’m a bartender…

    “dude, we’re gonna’ need to see a little more of the twins if you want to work the busy shifts”

    or the ever classy motto hanging on the back of the door down to the basement

    “tits for tips”

  • “Are you ‘tech support’ now?”

    This was said to me because instead of bothering the techs with a 3-1/2 second call, I told the customer to turn off the PC, plug in the mouse, and turn it back on.

    It worked…SURPRISE

    I got a call two days later from the agency telling me that my temp assignment was concluded.

  • Alecia

    In response to the form from my OB/GYN that I needed to work from home during the last month of my pregnancy for fear of early labor:

    “So, what EXACTLY is your medical condition, again?”

    Duh. I’m pregnant!

  • Setting: Company meeting.

    Boss One to Boss Two: “You’ve been to the brothels in Costa Rica, right, Boss Two?”

    Boss Two to The Group: “Yeah, and I don’t think prostitution in Costa Rica is a problem. I think some women just choose to make their living that way. They like it”

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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