An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

I think his name is Tanner

I’m not related to this kid, he was just super cute and he was at my cousin’s wedding. I kept asking him his name and he kept saying, “Tanner!” but it came out sounding like, “Hannah!” So I kept saying, “Hannah?” and he kept saying, “No! TANNER!” and then I kept saying, “Hannah?” And this continued for an hour. At the end I just gave up and said, “Hannah, I’m putting you on the Internet.”

  • RE: Half-socked kiddo.

    My youngest was also a sock and shoe discarder. I’d walk at the mall when she was a todder. By the time we’d rounded “the big lap” a couple of times, both shoes had been tossed and often, one sock was in my hand. Rue the fucking comments from people! Like the kid crawled there, to the mall, alone, in the snow. The effort it took to GET there in the first place…shut up assholes!

  • robin

    Oh my god…your 1/2 sock story had me on the floor. Seriously, that was some of the funniest shit I’ve heard in a long time.

    And you can still carry Leta around in a bjorn??? You must have a super strong back! My son is 2 weeks older than Leta (part of the reason I love following your story, cause I’m going through so much of the same) and there is NO WAY I can even strap him into it anymore!

    Put some socks on that kid. You want her to turn out alright, don’t you???????

  • Camille

    When my brother was 2 or 3 he insisted that he wanted “shawbons.” My parents could not figure out what he wanted until he pointed at them… hashbrowns. He had most of the right letters, just totally in the wrong place. Little kids are so funny! He’s much more together now that he’s 24.

  • I used to refer to Heather as Amber until I was 14… or 4. Either one. And Erin, the wedding was at log haven.

  • Sara

    Hey Heather,

    Your hand looks just like a friend’s hand did after a bee sting. The cause was not the bee sting itself, but cellulitis, an infection that must be treated with antibiotics.

  • In regards to your sock story: Jon isnt afraid that people will think Leta looks like a crack baby..he is scared that folks will think her father is a hillbilly!! I also done had me a hillbilly baby, whose socks and later shoes apparently were so caustic that she had to remove them whenever I was’nt looking. You havent lived till your backing up on I-77 during rush hour to retrieve the Weebok thrown out the back window by your 12 month old.

  • Elegant Goose

    Hey Laurie- my “Elegant Goose” name thingy is actually from a German storybook I have by a guy named Janosch called Post fuer den Tiger (Mail for the Tiger). I was going to write Elegante Ganse but I figured no one would get it… (by the way the story has some disturbing parts… like the character Elegante Ganse gets taken to dinner by a fox… and eaten! It’s a long and silly story why my b/f started calling me that.)

    My REAL name is Elizabeth, which my younger brother Tim could not pronounce. Instead he would just call me “sister” but since he couldn’t say “r” it came out as “sisto.” He still calls me sisto and he’s 24. I’m sure when he & his wife have kids I’ll be Auntie Sisto.

  • me

    Being the mom of sons, one who reads lots of weird stuff, I learned that there is a thing called the Tanner scale that is a measure of puberty. For boys the scale is based on penile development. A boy in his early teens might be a “3 on the Tanner scale,” for instance.

    We have a family in our aquaintance who have the last name of Tanner. They have a bunch of sons, ranging in age from 30 to 50-something. When my husband and I heard the little-boy measuring scale, we had to joke, “Number 5 Tanner, which one is that? Paul or Bob?”

    Okay–people who want to give your kids non-traditional names or surnames as first names–please Google it first, to see if there are any weird connotations. You don’t want your kid in sex-ed in 8th grade to learn that his name is a gauge for dick-development!

    I’m not going to leave my name with this, well, because.

  • Ice for your hand, anti-histamine for the reaction (unless you can’t mix it with your other prescriptions)

    BTW, did Leta take the photo from the bjorn? She’s very advanced for a hobo baby.

  • Katherine

    Well one good thing about a swollen bee hand is that it looks youthful and nonwrinkled. I look at my hands these days and wonder when my Mother left her lying around so that I could wear them.

  • charlotte

    so how did you take that picture? did someone take it for you? did you push the button with your nose? carefully planned time delay? leta has advanced motor skills?

  • tangoali

    VICTORY IS MINE! If you could see me now…happy-dancing in my office because I got to post the first comment on a stranger’s website. I. Am. A. Loser.

    Heather, sweets, Epi-pen! If you react like that what if precious Leta does worse?!?! Your public needs more sock stories- we are captivated!

  • Yo “Me”, I’m a boy. I’ve been one for 32 years. I’ve never been measured on this “Tanner scale”, are you sure that’s not something that backwoods doctors invented just so they can touch young boys’ pee pee’s?

  • catapax

    My kid is lucky if he has pants on when we go outside, much less 2 socks that match both each other and his gender! Don’t sweat it. Hillbilly hobo babies with crack-ho moms are the best kind.

  • Antonia

    OK, Lady, your story about the walk just totally frigging rocked. I feel ya on the crack-whore mom with her crack baby thing. One piece of advise: when you feel this way, don’t ever, EVER, go to the mall on the nice side of town. This is a downward-spiral-of-emotion causing mistake.

  • Tanner. Now there’s a nice white-bread, Mormon name.

  • sanelurker

    Hey, your swollen hand is really beautiful! So smooth and shiny like a baby’s cheek, no veins showing, etc. Maybe you should become a bee keeper? ;-D

  • Tanner, Tanner bo-anner bonana fanna fo fanner Fee fy mo manner… Tanner!

    (Yes, you may quote me.)

  • HE is CUTE. I’ll take one Tanner and a side of Hannah to go, please.

  • Gosh, he looks as if he is pondering about smthn, look at his eyes.. HE IS GROWN UP!

  • I’m Jen, and my stepdaughter, until recently, said it Nen. I thought it was cool to have her own name, but when she mastered the “j” she chose to call me Jen. It still makes me want to cry.

    My niece is a big fan of Sleeping Cutie and Strawberry Sweetcake. She pronounces very well, but calls things the wrong thing.

  • I meant her own name for me. Der.

  • me

    Brian G–the tanner scale isn’t a measuring “device” or anything, it’s just a number the pediatrician writes on a chart. It’s 1-5 and lists different levels of secondary sex development (not size, but maturity). It’s not something they’d talk about unless things weren’t normal.

  • We have a term for the lady who informed you that your sock was missing: She is a member of the Hat Police. The Hat Police also monitor sweater usage, fingernail length, and deployment of stroller shade, sunscreen, blankets…

    And if you haven’t been bothered much by the Hat Police yet, you must be an astonishingly careful mother; a really, truly careful mother. A mother whose marriage would never be threatened by something like a lost girly sock.

  • Dipali

    How awful !
    Your hand looks pretty swollen..
    take care..
    and yay ! for saving your marriage 🙂

  • Rabooka

    My sister in-law (ST) is always trying to teach our nephew bad habits. Picking his nose and spitting are the newest on the list. I’m wondering if I should tell her about Thomas the Tank Engine books. I’m sure saying words like pussy and fucker would surely piss off his mom (JG). Maybe I should give the book to JG instead as payback due to the fact that ST is pregnant…hee hee. Is it wrong of me to find this extremly funny?

  • Until my grandfather passed away (when I was 26) I called him Gee because when I was little Grampy came out like Gee – he liked it – it stuck – I was a grown adult calling out Gee in public places. He liked that. I miss him.

    Of everything else you wrote today I have 2 thoughts:
    1. I hope your hand is better soon
    2. You lt Chuck out NEKKID? Does he know this? LOL. Have a great weekend.

  • me

    Also–Those ARE some very pretty, deep-as-a-well, little boy eyes there. Lots of mystery.

    Heather, I don’t know if you read all your comments (how could you possibly?) but I’ve always been intrigued by how you crop your photos. Or do you crop them, or compose them as you shoot them? You have such a talent for composition. Looking at this photo: the dark elements–eyes, the curve of the bow tie, the curve of the (chair?) rail behind him. The pinks–of his lips, sweet goofy ears and that pink fuzzy spot in the background, upper left corner. White–of his eyewhites and shirt. You cropped the photo below his hairline, and it gives such an elegant balance–it wouldn’t be the same if we saw more of his head, or saw enough to know what the pink blob in the back is.

    Your subject is lovely but your personal style shows through, too.

  • me

    bah, I would have signed the last “me” comment w/ my real name/address, because it wasn’t on a weird subject that I’d be worried about getting nut mail about, except I sent without realizing my computer punched in the wrong names. Oh well.

  • let’s make dooce the #1 listing on google for “pussy and the fuckers.”

    yay saved marriage! yay adorable speech-impedimented children!

    boo bees! (heh. boobies. it all comes back to boobs on dooce.)

  • George Lover

    Ok, here’s my contribution. A friend of mine owns a gift store and she takes a once a year trip to L.A. to the ginormous wholesale gift building (it has a real name too.) One year she takes her 18 month old daughter, who is dressed in a plaid shirt and denim overalls. On the elevator a well-dressed woman says “Oh, how cute, all dressed up for Halloween”. Except she wasn’t–even though it was Oct. 31.

  • traci

    can i just say how much i LOVE LOVE LOVE the daily photos? it gives my dooce addiction a whole new layer of pathetic-ness.

  • Okay, well this story isn’t exactly as good as the others, but I thought I’d make the effort to make a contribution anyway. When my great niece was very young she could never pronounce my name (Rachael – pronounced the same as Rachel – most people don’t know that) and used to call me Wayshell (which yould probably sound really retarded to most of you as I’m British and may sound nothing like Rachael, but meh!). Okay, I’m done. I’ll hush!

    PS. Poor hand, cute Hannah.

  • red

    your poor hand! 🙁 hope the fattiness goes away quickly. thanks for the laughs again…. i love that jon doesn’t want Leta sockless… and she was half-sockless for a while. *whew* funny stuff….

  • DG

    I liked the story. This was my favourite bit:

    “…while my eyebrows shouted sentences into the air.”


  • eco2geek

    bandick > “On a side note, my godson is very into Thomas the tank engine and specifically, Percy and the freight cars. He talks incessantly about Pussy and the Fuckers. Sorry for the language. Sort of.”

    My 4 year old (today!) nephew, Joseph, is also *big* into Thomas. He even knows obscure train jargon. For example, he knows that a “consist” is a “list of cars that makes up a train,” as in “This consist represents the US holiday train for the 2002 season.”

    But if he breathed a single word about Pussy and the Fuckers, his poor father would fall over, twitch, and die.

  • Twice I’ve had to be told by complete strangers that the baby dangling from the Baby Bjorn attached to me is wearing only one shoe. In a land where his feet could freeze and drop off.
    Bad motherhood is a badge.

    Your camera seems to have burrowed into Hannah’s soul.

  • Lori D

    Did anyone not realize The GEORGE commented up there? Or am I the only one that thinks that is fantastic.

    Your hand…ouch. I talk with my eyebrows too.

  • I comment a lot. I have nothing better to do.

  • robin


    Yes I am yelling…you guys deserve it! 🙂

  • Lynn

    wow. i love the tone/color of this picture. Is this straight off the camara or photofixed? If so… what did you do? I’d love to know.

    Have fun in the mountains!

  • it’s funny how people get all giddy excited thinking, “OHMYGAWD, i’m the first person to post on Dooce’s comment thingy!!” then they post, and realize that they aren’t the first, because someone else in walla walla washington is typing at that exact moment, and took the #1 first commenting spot already. then a sigh of “gosh darnit all!” kicks in and they post that. “darn i wasn’t the first person to post on dooce and i thought i was! dern.”

    haha and yeah, your swollen hand looks like a fat girl’s hand… which would look just like mine. lol

    have a good weekend reconvening the procedures several times.

  • Dana

    Bet Tanner always had socks.

    I looked at the picture before I read the post and I thought “wow Heather has kinda fat hands for such a thin girl” LOL.

    Maybe I do the crack.

    Have fun sleeping in!!

  • Cute kid!

    It’s probably too late for this advice, but my mom claims that meat tenderizer helps keep the swelling down on bee stings. She makes a paste and smears it on. Go figure.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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