An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation


  • patricia

    Wait til Blurb hears about the remote control incident!

  • patricia

    or phone incident. whatever.

  • Rabooka

    The licking, please stop the licking! To make it even more annoying, my little guy Spike insists on leaning up against us when he licks. YUCK!

  • Beth

    That’s why, if you have dogs, it’s all about the bathroom trash can with a closing lid!

  • You know, my dog does that too, and it is just awful. My parents were gone one weekend (am I the only 20 year old living at home Dooce fan?) and my dad came home early and freaked out to see a used maxi pad lying torn up on the kitchen floor. Ack!

  • I remember those nursing pillows. Looking good, Jon!

  • Graygirl

    When I had babies and dog, he liked to get into the trash and chew on diapers (YUCK!!!!) I would take said diaper and secure it under his collar so that he had to run around all day with an icky diaper around his neck. Talk about embarassed dog! Works every time.

  • aibee

    Hey Rabooka, are you talking about your partner or your dog…?

  • danielle

    What is it about dogs and chewing up smelly bathroom trash? ugh. Other than that, and dirty underwear, the dog I had as a kid had quite a love of pencils and crayons. Crayon-colored poop – ’twas quite a sight.

  • Rabooka

    aibee- ha! My husband wishes he could lick himself…like all males. But, I was refering to my dog Spike.

  • charlotte

    i’m only 19!!! (for kristina)

  • OH MY GOD! I HATE HATE HATE when my dog licks his empty ball sack. Those mouth noises gross me out and I’m a terrible dog-mom who screams at him to “STOP LICKING YOUR NO-NUTS!” so he thinks he’s done someth

  • Suzy

    Okay, thats a nice picture of Jon. Very cute, but for the love of god, OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD that toilet picture!!! I cannot look at that picture without flashbacks of you and Jon giving birth to your garlic pizza poops and imagining the anguish and the about to fall over from pooping feelings that must have transpired in that bathroom. I am sorry. As funny as those stories were, I have tried to remove those images from my brain to no avail!

    *Looks away from the toilet*

  • amy

    I dunno… I think Chuck was presenting the dead stuffie of Leta’s as a reminder to you of what you have done to him. He has gone from king of the hill to a sad creature who has to kill small animals for attention. (Kidding of course..)

    Your hubby does have some of that John Corbett stuff happening. The sensitive stud muffin stuff.. yummy!

  • DoulaBrooke

    why is it that my husband can look so damned cute when wearing glasses (much like your cute hubbie) and I end up looking like an old school marm? not fair!!

  • robin

    My son got mobile yesterday….YESTERDAY!!!!

    Crawling happened overnight. And one day later I had to baby-proof the entire apartment. Drawers, cupboards, stairways, windows, shoes lying on the floor, you name it.

    Oh my god, life has changed.

  • What is it that makes everyone think Jon is so cute!? I know people that aren’t cute until you know them and maybe Jon is one of those.

  • Toni

    Dooce. How do you find so much to say? It’s amazing. I have to write an essay, excuse me, personal statement for law school and I can’t think of one fucking thing to write. HOW DO YOU DO IT?

    I read your blog and it’s fluid and easy complete with functional semi-colons and colons and dashes. I could SING your fucking writing. Maybe I will. The lengths I’m willing to go to avoid writing this essay seems to have no bounds. Today for example, I went to the grocery store and purposely forgot three items so I could have an excuse to go again. True.

    sigh. Advice?

  • I don’t even have a kid to inspire jealousy and wickedness, but my cat maims q-tips anyway. Our bathroom door doesn’t close properly unless you push at the right spot while closing it, and if you forget, she can bat it open and get in and then you find oddly elongated q-tips everywhere. Ick.

  • Kelli

    It was after my dogs dug a hole IN MY COUCH (center cushion, no kidding), that I learned about the wonders of crate training. For several years, my poor lil’ doggy girls were crated whenever I left the house. Now that they’re a little older (5 & 6), I don’t have to crate them anymore, and they don’t destroy things. I do keep a babygate up, though, to keep them out of the cat’s litter box.

    Prior to my buying a crate, though, my girls would greet me with many unpleasant surprises – chewed up clothing (taught me to always hang up my clothes…almost), a chewed up tube of antibiotic ointment (in a metal tube, no less, and I still have no idea where they found it!), and, my favorite, a plastic tumbler from a college football game, of which all that remained was the round bottom. The rest had been ingested, which I wasn’t sure about until later…

  • re: the dog chewing things. I lost two tv remote controls in two weeks all because of the fangs.

  • Tracy

    Dog licking. Oh my god. The worst sound there is. Balls or ball-less, male or female, doesn’t matter – they all lick their nether regions, and I CANNOT STAND IT!!!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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