An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Champagne! For lunch!

  • rainiac

    “My only regret in life is that I did not drink more champagne.” (John Meynard Keynes)

  • Discopitbul

    Our Maggie liked to spitefully chew the eyes off of our son’s toys. Just the eyes and just his stuff, she never touched our stuff; what a wench. Since our dogs love bitter apple, bitter orange, chewstop and every other product in that category, we just had to keep the stuffed toys in a cargo net. The best solution for us was “dog proofing”, much like baby proofing exept we didn’t need covers for the electrical outlets or door knobs. The bathroom garbage goes behind a lockable cabinet door or up on a shelf when we leave, and kitchen garbage is behind two doors in the mud room. Our dogs love nylabones and kongs and the thickest raw beef bones. Those bones are definitely outdoor only treats, because the marrow doesn’t come out of carpets. Ahh, life’s hard lessons.

  • robin

    Hey, as long as it’s noon somewhere.

  • Lisa

    You better put the sippy lid on Leta’s quick, or she will spill it all over herself. She’ll smell like booze. Then the jig will be up and Jon will know you two drink at lunch.

  • So that is how you get Leta to sleep…

  • Mmmmm, champagne. Put the bathroom trash under the sink or up on some surface. We never could keep our dog out of it. Especially if there happened to be menstrual things in there. Yuck, but it’s like caviar to them.

  • beachgal

    My dogs leave the garbage alone, but damned if I can keep them from rooting through the dirty clothes bins to demolish my underwear. And do they bother hubby’s….NO! Just mine. They do get a hold of kleenex sometimes, and lordy what a mess that makes. And oh the licking sounds. One of mine has a fetish with licking her paws. She just licks and licks and licks, and I can’t stand the sound of it.

    We don’t leave toys laying around for them to get into, cause I’ve got one who demolishes absolutely anything furry and resembling a toy. Whether it is a dog toy or not.

  • Leah

    Poor Chuck! No longer king of the house and No Nuts!

  • Colleen

    love the shot… and in response to Amber’s post re: Christopher Walkin’s Continental sketch….You’re not the only dork.

  • Poor Chuck. I understand that he is going through a jealous pahse with Leta but wouldn’t you try your hardest to get attention? I mean what chance does he have with gorgeous, yummy smelling Leta around? Man I feel bad for Chuck he was once the most important thing and now he is not…what else can he do BUT chew off innocent unicorn horns?

    P.S. I AM one of the 30 something childless, treats my doog like a Queen, takes her everywhere with me person….please don’t shoot me in the head at close range….

    Maybe Chuck wants to come visit…ya know for a bit of a vacation…..

  • meilaan

    I think you should carry Chuck in the Baby Bjorn thingy every day for ten minutes.


    Chukk nid a latt mor trits. Iff Hithir giv Chukk a latt of mor trits, thin he wil bi 1 gud boy dag and nott be chewweeng up this thangs.

    2 Chukk: if thiy dun’t gif U the trits yew nid, dun’t stapp at chewweeng. Poopeeng on thir stuf wil werk mush bettir 4 giteeng yor misij acrass.


  • ella’s ma

    You mean champagne isn’t just for breakfast??!!??!

  • Heather –

    You should of ended your last entry about advice with “YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!” That always makes me giggle when people say that…but I guess now I’m giving you unsolicited advice…shit! Forget everything I just wrote and please accept my sincere apology!

    My real comment – I hate when people try to act like my mamma too! If I wanted that I’d live at home!


  • Eating tissues is NOTHING compared to what our dog does. She eats socks. Whole. Socks that don’t belong to anyone in our household. Socks found in the wild of the backyard, by the neighbor’s swing set. And they’re nice socks. We’re talking Tommy Hilfiger here. You just give her some hydrogen peroxide and BAM up come those socks.

  • I love mouse

  • liz

    My dog chews tissues because my ex used to feed her boogers, whih apparently she liked or she wouldn’t be always with the raiding of the bathroom trash and chewing of the tissue. – I don’t mind, at least it’s not my pradas.

  • charlotte

    in response to chuck and the trash:

    my mother’s dog gets treated like the queen that she knows she is and still underwear ends up under the kitchen table along with trash of all sorts. luckily we finally convinced her not to bring out treats from the catbox. she’s a dog. it’s what they do. they do not know that trash is trash, to them it looks highly yummy. usually by the time you punish them, they have no idea who put that stuff there. i doubt chuck is emotionaly disturbed in any way.

  • Erin

    My dog pouts evertime we leave…as if the last 8,000 times we left, we didn’t come home. HELLO, DOG-we always come home!

    I think I am going to start hiding treats around the house and make her go on a scavenger hunt when I leave. That way, its like “party! mom’s gone!”

  • kp

    I’m tempted to make a joke about the champagne…and the dog for that matter, but I guess I learned my lesson last time. Don’t threaten to kick my ass anymore internet, please! 🙂 But those emails you’re getting Heather? THOSE are the ones I was poking fun at. Please, people…GET A LIFE!

    Dooce–as always, keep on rockin’ in the free world.

  • people are just jealous that they don’t drink champagne in the afternoon like you or i do. 🙂

  • I had a dog with a chewing problem, once. I cooked him up and ate him. He was good with Champagne AND we solved the chewing problem!

  • Sam

    Funny how you have absolutely no problem with people donating money or sending you things, yet you get upset at unsolicited advice. If you didn’t like the attention, good or bad, you would have blocked your email long ago.

  • Kris

    Damn. DAMN. Last time I tell anybody about stuffing a Kong.

  • Just in case you scroll down this far, I saw this page and thought of you.

    not the dull part – I love your site, just the cowbell part!

  • Rabooka

    Sorry, no more tips. Just thought I was being helpful.

  • 2 Cents…. ’nuff said.

  • Dan

    Were you perchance visiting Philly and had that new $100.00 cheesesteak available at the steakhouse that just opened? The recommend the champagne to drink.

  • Dan

    err…I mean “They recommend the champagne to drink.”

  • Gia on Guam

    Regan: Great site. I’ve got more cowbell !

  • Micki

    for the record I (emphasis on “I”) offered no unsolicited advice … *preen* … I (emphasis on “I”) offered POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT. ahem.

  • Ever since Dr. Phil got his own show, everyone’s an expert.

    My dog acted like an ass pre-baby and acted like a real ass post-baby. So I told a rescue group I was going to put him down (a desperate lie) so they’d find him a loving new home where his ass-ness would be received with open arms. Imagine the email you’d get if you did such an awful thing like that.

    Of course, I had to acknowledge the fact that if my adorable baby started acting like an ass, there was no getting rid of him like I did the dog.

  • whistlepunk

    We are your public and you love us. That’s why you talk the way you, and that’s why we talk back. Amen.

  • Anne is a heartless cow. Mouse needs to get a life.

  • hi

    that is very extravagant! You say dooce like deuce and the beach boys say deuce like (i’d say) dooce in their song deuce coup.

    That is a bizarre comment but you know, it’s what I thought of! And i’ll bet about 500 people go to download that now and see what i’m talking about…

  • di

    as I am nearly the 90th commenter on this photo page and i realize that most of the comments have nothing to do with champagne for lunch, i once again am thinking that a dooce discussion board would be nice. or a dooce groupie group on yahoo or something.


    that being said, i also realize that my comment has nothing to do with champagne for lunch.

  • I just love that you specifically wrote a post about not wanting unsolicited advice, and then changed your FAQs page to that effect, and the comments page gets numerous pieces of unsolicited advice anyway.

  • Kate

    “I sometimes wake in the early morning & listen to the soft breathing of my children & I think to myself, this is one thing I will never regret & I carry that quiet with me all day long.”
    ^ from

    Heather, I read that and for some reason, thought it applied quite well to you.

  • i second what Ensie said– they just beat me to it. dooce says she doesn’t want advice, oh well-intentioned humans. 🙂

    having scolded that, mmm, bubbly.

  • Carla Beth

    Why is one glass fuller than the other? Which one is yours? Tonight President Bush is staying at the Jacksonville Inn in Jacksonville, Oregon. The Inn serves complementary champagne with breakfast. The only reason I’m writing this is to show off my new understanding of the word ‘complementary’ versus ‘complimentary.’ How did I do?

  • midwifegoddessannie

    mouse is funny… just that he carnt fuccin spel.

  • I’m sorry people are so stupid. Really. I apologize for all those unsolicited advice givers who can’t take a hint about you not wanting their bloody advice. I apologize on behalf of them because they are just THAT slow and they just DON’T GET IT.

    Love the picture – you capture the greatest perspectives.

  • Zaz

    Not advice. My dog and I traded tonsilitis back and forth one winter. He’d get it by pulling tissues out of the trash. I think I’d get it back when he slept on top of me. Or pinned me to the floor by my hair and washed my face. I should’ve had a trainer when he was young.

  • Dooce will you give ME advice??!!?? ‘Cause you got it going on.

  • I refrained from the unsolicited advice for precisely the reason you mentioned. I figured people would be getting, as you say, “all up in your ass” about the dog. I like the trick of yelling “NO!” at the thing Chuck was chewing; I hadn’t heard that one before and it makes a certain amount of dog-sense. Please keep on amusing us with your stories. We’ll keep reading. (And some of us well send unsolicited advice. Ignore them.)

  • I don’t give unsolicited advice because you are so much wiser and smarter and prettier than me.

    Do I get brownie points or something for that response?

  • the colours in that photos are sooooo champagne! sophisticated smoooooth tones of brown and chocolate, I’m just lounging in lifestyle looking at it! (We drank champagne last night too beacause my son officially became an Australian, but we were drinking it in a much more common way, more fluro I think) I ADORE those colours!

  • dooce,
    I aint going to advise you ON HOW TO TREAT YOUR GOD. Add ppl please stop doing it. Chuck is a happy dog, with wonderful ‘parents’. End of subject.

    Btw lovely picture :))
    I just had some

  • whistlepunk


Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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