An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Drunkenstein smoking a carrot

  • George

    Maybe if I had a PHONE NUMBER! PS I used to live about 30 minutes from the Ohio River in good ol’ Maysville Kentucky.

  • The Utah pics are fantastic! The last one of the Chuckmeister looks like he kicked off his sneakers and is waiting for his foot spa. The one of djblurb driving … if Leta were a guy that would be her on fastforward – their likeness is incredible.

  • Leon as John Cougar Mellenkamp

    This goes out to Chris from Ohio who got these wheels in my head turning…

    ….everbody think “Jack and Diane”

    Toking on a carrot stick, dressed up like Frankenstein
    Knocking back my sippy cup, gunna drink what I please
    Oh yeah, the life of Jon
    My wife dressed up the dog again
    Won’t be surprised when poor Chuckles is gone

  • Michael

    RE: Thinking …

    You know, size is not important.

    Unless you’re a man.

  • Heather 2

    Hey heidi –
    When we were desperate, we’d use a pototo!

  • Melanie S

    I can see him trying to make out with you THROUGH the mask making mumbled moaning sounds. *shudders*

    Heather, don’t feel bad about the boobies thing. I’m 5’7 , Full B’s (not exactly bodacious tatas, but they’ll do) and a size 8 shoe. I have a 12 year old that has me beat with C’s, size 9.5 shoes and is catching up to me in height. I’m going to have to BEAT the boys off of her pretty soon.

  • Carla

    George is so hot right now.

  • Kim

    You brought back memories with the Wise Man/Foolish Man song… Used to sing it all the time at church when I was little!

  • Same here. Those were the good ol’ days..when I was little, singing songs like that during Sunday school, with not a care in the world. sigh.

    And for some reason, that “Wise Man Built His House Upon The Rock” song was one of my favorites. I guess I like the splat, or splash, or splish, or whatever you want to call it part. hehe. And now, if I ever build a house, I will build it on a rock.

  • Heather 2

    On the rock of the Lord?

  • Brooke

    Haha, Amanda B!

    My first thoughts were “Oh my God, what HAPPENED TO LETA?”

  • Erin

    more george. please.

    i think he’s ready to be his own category. feeling guilty, george, how to annoy me.


  • Sue From Ohio

    So, how many of you made a pipe (or other ‘equipment’) in ceramics in college and the professor actually helped ‘improve’ it?

    *raises hand*


  • Grownup Guzzongas

    The Grass is Always Greener

    I second the comment by MrsDoF about how Aunt Heather can help the niece boost her self esteem…
    I got my period on my 11th birthday and by the time I was 12 I had 34Cs. My older sister was a tomboy – she didn’t get her period til she was 18, never got boobs and she was MAD about it! A lot of the girls at school who used to like me, started acting like they hated me. The boys at school would make fun of me and try weird things to cop a feel during school. Telling my PE teacher about it didn’t help. She said “Oh, but you love the attention, don’t you, you little tart!” (Thankfully, at the time I thought calling me tart was like calling me cookie or sweetie. But I did get the message that she wasn’t going to help me)

    My mom and my aunts used to constantly feel the need to tell me how much the boys were going to love me and sometimes they would tease me about wearing bigger bras than they did AT THE THANKSGIVING DINNER TABLE. My grandmother, the only other busty female in my clan, would tell me how much they were going to sag when I was old.

    My father and my uncles would scare the HELL out of me by finding unique ways of telling me that all boys were EVIL bastards and should be avoided at all costs. My dad even showed me how to gouge out eyeballs and sucker punch testicles (or how to pull them off, which he showed me how to do with a deer he was gutting – to be used “in worse situations”). He didn’t, mind you, show my sister how to do this.

    The girls at school, I found out in my 20s, were saying all through high school that I was a slut. The people at church talked. No matter what I wore, people treated me differently and I HATED it. Even though I was so scared of boys I didn’t have sex until I was 25. I didn’t feel good about having a sexy body and a pretty face until I was about 30.

    All of this made me feel like crap. Your niece may not be feeling very comfortable with being uber-female.

    (Especially with all the Howard Stern types teaching the boys and girls alike that you just can’t be a regular girl to be pretty anymore – you have to give blowjobs and compete with other girls to see who’ll act like the biggest skank in order to prove your femaleness.)

    The pretty and developed girls are the most likely to feel powerless to define themselves, since the rest of the world is so busy doing it for them. Encourage your niece to find her own way and believe in all of the things that make her who she is, not just her big boobs and how everyone responds to them.

  • kat

    We’ve all been there, man.

  • even drunkenstein knows to just say no.

  • is he smoking the carrot because he likes the taste and the buzz, or is he just using it as a coping mechanism so he doesn’t have to face his real problems, like the angry mob of villagers?

  • Heather 2

    Until my breast reduction (at age 23 – when I was a 38DD, but probably not wearing a big enough bra), I couldn’t remember being anything less than a 36D. They always made me feel fat…I hated them. In college people always joked about them, and how they had to watch out for them, etc. After my reduction, I’m a 38C, and feeling much better. Strange that I feel that a C is now ‘small’. My friends, when telling stories about the old days, will refer to them as ‘Heather’s old boobs’. Nice…

  • my niece is in addition to being very big-busted also one of the prettiest girls i have ever seen. she’s stunning, and every time i see her i sort of catch my breath because she’s tall and blonde and oh my god so beautiful. the guys in her grade son’t know what to do with her, mainly because she is taller than all of them and could whoop their asses in basketball. her mother, my sister, was very big-busted at a very early age as well and has been very good at letting her know how normal she is. every time i see her i just tell her how beautiful she is, and what i would to do have her hair and her everything else. she is very loved. (and is also a very hormonal young lady, alas, weren’t we all?)

  • mary

    Grownup Guzzongas, I had a different problem. I had big ol’ boobs and was a super-dork besides. Whenever anyone whistled at me or the like, I was always sure they were mocking me.

    Nevertheless I would have been absolutely mortified if my aunt had tried to have a heart to heart with me about my boobs. Seriously.

  • My wife’s almost eight months pregnant, so I already hear a lot about breasts and self-esteem at home.

    I’ll check back later. Hopefully, there will be more pics of drunken Jon (or whomever’s behind that mask. Are we SURE its Jon? I mean, really, dooce, how could you tell who you were kissing, what with all the latex?)

  • George

    The Cool thing is about my cousin (the 13 year old) is that she probably knows more about sports than all of my friends. So basically every guy will love her, even though she can kick their asses at basketball.

  • Grownup G

    Mary –
    I wasn’t suggesting that Dooce talk to her niece about her boobs at all. In fact, the opposite.

    Sounds like Dooce knows what to do and say already. Help her know what other defining characteristics she has, like kicking ass at basketball. And feeling comfortable in her own skin (being OK with being hormonal) which I *wasn’t*.

    Just wanted to pipe up for the silent chicks with big boobs who may not be as vocal or strong. Sometimes the way we talk about our differences makes walls grow up between us. Bless my families’ hearts, if they had talked with me and my sister about how everyone’s different and it’s no big deal, and everyone has special qualities on the inside that matter more than the outside – it would have helped.

    I mean “Everyone is treated equal” was the ideal, but it was not what was said to us on a daily basis, what was joked about at the family table, what was taught in their actions. (Mentioning in front of others that they had to keep buying me bras when my sister didn’t need one)

    Dooce’s niece might be like “Hey my cool Aunt thinks I have a great rack – cool!” Or she might feel just a tiny bit invaded. Or anything in between.

  • Angie

    Great picture. However the first thing I thought of when I saw the thumbnail was Planet of the Apes.

  • Ok, I don’t know if I’m just completely out of the loop or what, but what happened to the link about the rip off artist from yesterday? One minute it was there, the next, gone! Someone enlighten me please.

  • Thanks for sharing that story with us Heather. My best friend went through hell and back to get over her bulimia. I love her dearly and I was so scared for her. She almost died twice. I am glad that you shared that with us. You are a damn strong person.

  • Heather, your bravery and candor are the wind beneath my wings today. As someone who has twice confronted depression and has a pretty firm handle on the causes thereof, I often struggle with the decision to air them online. Reading what you wrote today is like being part of a support group for me.

    Thanks for always taking the high road.

  • Heather,
    I think Dooce took the link off about the rip-off guy because after maybe 8000 hits he had had enough and caved. His bandwidth must have been through the roof – man, from about 40 a day to 6000 or so. Yikes!

    Speaking of which, Dooce, do you seriously get that many hits in a day? Yipes, no wonder you need google ads and what not.

  • Laura C.

    Dooce, I don’t know if you’ll get to see this comment at all, but I sincerely hope you do, because your anorexia commentary meant so much to me. This isn’t a sob story, but I struggled with the same disorder two years ago, and yours is the first related discussion that was genuine and meaningful to me. Sometimes, I think the anorexia still affects me. I’m sure it does, in various ways. I appreciate your courage and your willingness to share your struggle. I feel less alone this way.

    On the plus side, I also exhibit obsessive behavior about your site. It’s embarrassing how many times a day I visit.

  • Holly

    Heather, thanks so much for the commentary on your eating disorder. It really resonated with me and made me unbelievably grateful to be past some of the most horrifying years of my life.

    Kudos to you and Jon for “instilling within [Leta] the knowledge that nothing and no one can be perfect.” I think that’s the key for a lot of people, or at least it was for me.

  • Just wanted to share something that I’ve learned from experience:
    You can *never* successfully overcome an eating disorder. The best you can hope for is that it goes into remission and stays there. Please remain vigilant and healthy. Please be well.

  • Hey Dooce! If you haven’t already submitted to the “we’re sorry” gallery, you oughtta send in a pictures of chuckles! Check out this photo:

  • Erin

    Hi. Just wanted to say that I am also a former Mormon and I personally hold the church responsible for the guilt-ridden years of my childhood and high school experiences. I also had an eating disorder. I think until you live through something like that, you don’t realize the effect that place puts on you to be “perfect” when in fact, no one can truly be. I am now 26,happily married, and proudly not Mormon. Thanks for sharing your life.I particularly enjoyed the tale about Joseph Smith soaps. I wouldn’t be surprised if they are trying to tell you how to wash now, too. ‘Scuse me while I drink a caffeinated soda.

  • Drunkenstien is champenstien.

    Thank you so much for sharing with us your story about your eating disorder. Each and everytime you post a story like that it just keeps on showing us how strong willed and smart you are, and how REAL you are. I think that a lot of us forget that you are a REAL person going about your day somewhere in Utah. That ‘daily’ post was very inspiring and Leta is lucky to have a mommy who has had life experience in SO MANY REALMS – because she will grow up seeing the world a bit differently than most kids, I think.

    Congrats on your over-coming of your eating disorder! Now, where are those chicken wings with a side of Nacho Cheese doritos!? (mmm… best meal ever!)


  • Suger

    Your posting was very touching and honest. I suffered from an eating disorder when I was thirteen. I am finally a lot better with food and have become much more accepting of my body. Yet, it is really amazing how your post had appeared at a time when I was feeling a litle overwhelmed. I just saw some photos of myself and a new “double chin”. The difference is now I will not starve myself to rid myself of my extra chin… Please be healthy. Thank you for sharing.

  • Danielle

    After all of this serious talk about issues of self-esteem and eating disorders, I feel a little odd commenting about your photos… but I couldn’t resist. Wow. A couple of those photos you took are amazing. I’m particularly impressed with the 10th and 12th. simply gorgeous.

  • Ginger

    Everyday I check up on you and everytime I think that I couldn’t possible relate more to your experiences, I find you peel another layer of the onion and there I am crying in my soup.

    I was raised STRICT Seventh-day Adventist, which is a crazy sub-cult all it’s own, very similiar to the brainwashing of Mormons though. I am still reeling from my childhood.

    PLEASE know that you are adored for posting all of your pains and that there are a ton of us out here that can totally relate to you.

    BTW I hate onions!

  • Meg

    To lighten the mood (and I’m sure you’ve probably already seen this over at TMN):

    [link=] – 71% Good.[/link]

  • Looks like he’s eating a chopped off finger, which is kind of appropriate.

  • Where’d the boob talk come from? I had a mammogram today (Read about it in my blog). Being an EE isn’t easy and I envy those with B cups. Nobody’s ever happy with what they have or don’t have.

    Thanks for sharing your success at overcoming an eating disorder. I still binge and I think my double E’s are actually ice cream repositories. But there’s always hope…

  • MrsDoF

    Thank you for reminding us all over again that your family is great.
    It’s just that my own history closely parallels GG in comment 64.
    I should have known better than to doubt the loving ability of such a smart Aunt Heather and cousin George.

  • Heather,
    I love your site and I love you…
    but be careful not to fawn over a 13 year old’s looks more than her character and interests.

    She will learn from you that hat she has that is of value and power is all, or even mostly, on the outside – “every time i see her i just tell her how beautiful she is, and what i would to do have her hair and her everything else”.

    Show me an adolescent who isn’t swayed by that kind of talk, swayed to believe it’s more important than something else. We learn to play up our perceived strengths naturally, often it’s what others say our strengths are.

    We learn to guard what others covet. And we learn that other things are less important.

  • I am trying to teach my 7 year old son that he is perfect as he is. Everyone has such a vested interest in seeing us fuck up all the time, so just in the process of life, he will be dealt loads of stuff that will lead to him finding or creating imperfections in himself. I strive to be able to protect him so that these perceived imperfections in his head don’t mess up his heart and how he loves himself. I need to believe that we are perfect as we are, warts and all ~ and there is always someone there to love and guide us through our darkest hours (both spiritually and on a human level) ~ and sometimes we need to walk that path alone too.
    Your stength and spirit shine through and I acknowledge you for both healing yourself and for constantly ensuring you are being the best version of yourself you can be!

  • I have such an addiction to food, and although mine manifests in a different way (I HIDE my eating often but I still eat SO much), I completely loved your post. Thanks for your candor. You continue to amaze and inspire me.

  • J

    Thank about for posting a story of your eating disorder. It gives some of us hope. I’m in that point where I have been dieting over half of my lifetime and starving over a decade. I have absolutely no kind of vision or memory what it was like to eat food as food. Instead it’s all about numbers and how many of them I need to stay alive. Thanks.

  • Chris

    Greetings from Bahrain.

  • wonder

    Look what ebay turned up.
    7% evil, 93% good

  • A dear friend of mine is a recovering anorexic. She remarked one day that she knew she was on her road to recovery when she woke up and discovered that she had tits. Since then, I have taken it as my personal responsibility to support her recovery by greeting her, wherever we might meet, by saying, “Nice tits!”

    This has caused amusing levels of shock and embarrassment to the folks who are around us when it happens in public. It usually leads to having to tell the story about why I get to do this without getting slugged.

    She is also experiencing growing deafness and so, in order to keep up my support of her recovery, I’m looking to learn the ASL “words” for “nice tits.” If anyone in dooce-land has any ideas, I’d appreciate it.

  • Colleen

    Peter, did you ever see the chick flick “Four Weddings and a Funeral”? There’s a scene in there where a deaf man is saying something to the effect of “Nice tits” if I remember correctly. Hope this helps… it’s a worthy cause.


Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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