the smell of my desperation has become a stench

All of this came out of my boobs

  • LT

    2004/11/11 at 6:21 am

    Cantaloupe juice!

  • Bruce

    2004/11/11 at 6:26 am


  • Michele R

    2004/11/11 at 6:29 am

    That’s a lot of milk! I never would have thought you could freeze that! Shows what I know about babies huh?

  • The Mighty Jimbo

    2004/11/11 at 6:31 am

    that totally made my nipples hurt.

  • nadia

    2004/11/11 at 6:35 am

    LadyBug: Earlier this week I found a nest of ladybugs outside my office window. Got profressionals to clear them out, though, since they kept flying into my glass of early morning breast milk from Russia. ’tis much better than US breast milk.

  • Michelle

    2004/11/11 at 6:37 am

    I’m very jealous of your breastmilk-making boobies…I could never get my boobs to work.

    Turns out they’re just decorative.

  • Sara

    2004/11/11 at 6:37 am

    Oh yeah – I threw away two large Old Navy Bags filled with bags of breast milk. I ran out with my first child, so I pumped like crazy with the second and she would.not.take.a.bottle. I thought I had an adopting mom who wanted it, but the adoption never came through. Into the trash it went…

    The money wasted on those bags – they aren’t cheap!

    Breastmilk keeps for a year and, after that, it is still “good” – it just looses some of what makes it so awsome.

    The lumps are milk fat. The milk you buy from the store is homogenized – this incorporates the fat into the milk (if you buy whole.) If you bought unhomogenized cow’s milk, the fat/cream would rise to the top. If you froze unhomogenized cow’s milk, it would look like Heather’s human milk.

  • sab

    2004/11/11 at 6:40 am

    dude! how big were your boobs??

  • Anita

    2004/11/11 at 6:40 am

    It reminds me that I need to start rotating out the frozen boob juice and moving in the fresh stuff.

    I’m one of those people who saves her Crazy Eights until the last hand of the game. I think I need to start “playing” some of our saved supply before it goes bad.

    Dooce juice..heh heh heh.

  • chris

    2004/11/11 at 6:41 am

    Heather, word of warning regarding cheddar cheese goldfish:

    Our 15-month old son, two nights ago, wouldn’t stop giving us the “more” sign for more goldfish. He ate goldfish for, like, an hour. And then went to bed.

    We found him in the morning, laying head-first in a pile of reconstituted goldfish in his crib. Stinky baby, stinky bed, stinky goldfish. Thank heaven for baby lotion…

  • MelissaS

    2004/11/11 at 6:43 am

    Friend’s brother visiting from college, peering into the freezer:

    “What’s with all the pudding in the freezer?”

  • LadyBug

    2004/11/11 at 6:45 am

    Nadia, I’m sure that’s true, and in Russia women the breastmilk is conveniently pre-frozen! Russian mothers simply pump the frozen milk directly into baby bottles of vodka and kahlua. (Can you hear the pumping sounds now? Whoosh, clink, whoosh, clink…) Newborns prefer their White Russians ‘on the rocks.’ I bet the ice-pellets-through-the-nipples thing smarts a bit, though.

  • bb

    2004/11/11 at 6:46 am

    ew ew ew HOLIDAY BAKING!

  • TracyDee

    2004/11/11 at 6:50 am

    I thought it was drugs at first… that it’s all breastmilk makes it even more impressive…

  • LadyBug

    2004/11/11 at 6:50 am

    Well, crap. That should be RussiaN women. *Grumble*

  • klou

    2004/11/11 at 6:52 am

    Whatever you do, don’t keep questionable breast milk. It’s just really gross. Don’t ask me how I know, I just do. I could gag just thinking about it.

  • Paige

    2004/11/11 at 6:56 am

    For some reason, the concept of expired breastmilk makes me chuckle.

  • Karrey

    2004/11/11 at 6:58 am

    You and Jon really made cookies and hot chocolate with all of that breastmilk and took it to Temple to feed the Mormons, didn’t you?

    I knew it!

  • Eric Bostrom

    2004/11/11 at 7:00 am

    ACK! You should see someone about that mashed potato producing boob thing, that could be dangerous!

  • Alex

    2004/11/11 at 7:00 am

    God, I wish I had that much in my freezer. I can’t keep up with my little porker. I pump and take it to daycare, he drinks. I can barely keep up. He’s 5-months-old and already 22 lbs!

  • Katy

    2004/11/11 at 7:02 am

    Im currently breastfeeding my 4 & 1/2 month old daughter (no, not at this exact minute) and I love to shoot milk across the room. Oh.. the power of the breast! Its a mess to clean up though.

  • Kano

    2004/11/11 at 7:03 am

    Looks like a bunch of condoms from a Mormon Halloween Party after too much Gin.

  • Fish

    2004/11/11 at 7:08 am

    Okay, okay, I’ll say it first in response to Kano’s comment:

    “Sippin on Gin n’ Dooce-juice.”

    God, I hate myself for that, but I just couldn’t stop myself. I apologize, internet.

  • jw

    2004/11/11 at 7:08 am

    “they look like little bags of crack!”

    To babies, it’s better than crack!

  • Katie

    2004/11/11 at 7:11 am

    For the moms who said Ralph (Ralph’s World) for president – he would never be allowed to hold office! He had his child out of wedlock, wouldn’t marry the mother, then married another girl, started a custody case to get his daughter away from the mother, lost, then abandoned the wife after fooling around on her the whole time while on those tours. He would lose big on the family values front in this person’s opinion… catchy tunes or not.

  • Katy

    2004/11/11 at 7:11 am

    I just read Jon’s post. Im moping up a tear or two at the moment. Its so nice to see two people (okay, three… and a dog) so in love. Thank you, Jon, for making my day brighter!

  • Christine

    2004/11/11 at 7:12 am

    In reality the breasts are just oversized sweat glands and breast milk is sweat mixed with the mother’s blood, etc.

    Mmmmm. Frozen bags of sweat… 🙂

  • cara

    2004/11/11 at 7:20 am

    Really HOT looking sweat glands!

  • Mary

    2004/11/11 at 7:22 am

    I too read DJ-Blurb’s post today – What an amazing man you have Heather ……

  • Chris From Ohio

    2004/11/11 at 7:23 am

    I love how much play that song gets on this site.

  • Tracy

    2004/11/11 at 7:24 am

    So boobs can actually be projectile milked? I did not know that. You know those carnival booths where you shoot water into the clown mouth…?

    Um, never mind.

  • Sarah

    2004/11/11 at 7:26 am

    I don’t know why, but I am completely amazed by that picture. Forget about the miracle of a rainbow, breastmilk in large quantities is much more breathtaking.

  • Gretchen C.

    2004/11/11 at 7:28 am

    As a former pumper of breastmilk, I am supremely in awe and insanely jealous of your freezer stash. What a supply!

  • Marti

    2004/11/11 at 7:29 am

    I’m so disappointed; it never occurred to me to try and shoot my milk across the room. Now those days are long gone, and I’ll never have the opportunity. I weep.

  • kim

    2004/11/11 at 7:31 am

    i tried the dooce effect once on one of my pics but somehow it turned out very strange and made you sick when you’d look at it for too long. i think it’s cause i didn’t get some of the instructions right since the menus in photoshop are different in german so i got all confused and…. and mommies’ breasts can do amazing things.

  • Anne

    2004/11/11 at 7:38 am

    Dooce, you made me snarf my coffee with that first comment. Awesome. But now my snot will be brown for an hour or so.

  • Heatheranne

    2004/11/11 at 7:40 am


  • Fish

    2004/11/11 at 7:41 am

    The Korean national assembly is petitioning the international olympic committee to strip Dooce of the “first post” title, because she kinda had an unfair advantage.

  • amarch

    2004/11/11 at 7:42 am

    Is it just me, or does it look like a cigarette hiding beneath the bags in the top right portion of the photo? I’m guessing it’s not, but I could totally see some bizarre artist photographing frozen breast milk and cigarettes and calling it art.

  • girlpunch

    2004/11/11 at 7:45 am

    You could probably sell those on Ebay.

  • alaina

    2004/11/11 at 7:51 am

    that’s incredibly gross.

    you are so awesome.

  • Lactivist

    2004/11/11 at 7:59 am

    Aw, I’m sorry you have to toss it all, Heather! Kudos to you for nursing Leta though – you gave her the best and have helped to protect her from all sorts of diseases, viruses and allergies.

    And to Christine — Breasts intended purpose is to nourish a child, not to produce sweat. I don’t know about you but I don’t have any other sweat glands on my body that are sporting nipples.

    I find it sad that so many people are grossed out by the thought of human breastmilk (yet they’re probably don’t think twice about that glass of cow’s milk they just guzzled). It’s FOOD, people.

  • Chris

    2004/11/11 at 8:02 am


  • Melanie S

    2004/11/11 at 8:03 am

    I have to do this because, well, because it’s too funny.

    “My Babb Daddy”
    by B Rock and the Bizz

    (you can get the single online for under $2. Ha!)


    1- Who that is?
    That’s just my baby daddy
    Who that is?
    That’s just my baby dad
    Who that is?
    That’s just my baby daddy
    Who that is?
    That’s just my baby dad

    Who that is?
    That’s just my baby dad
    Who that is?
    That’s just my baby dad
    Who that is?
    That’s just my baby daddy
    Who that is?
    T-Bird, that’s just my baby daddy

    Why everytime I call it’s the same thing?
    You have to be on the phone with Elaine
    Or either Shawna, or Dawna
    (T-Bird it ain’t like that, it’s far off my mind)
    When the phone click don’t even try girl
    Quit lying girl
    You must think I’m stupid or either blind girl
    Cuz something ain’t right
    And I’m fixing to go
    You said y’all broke up a long time ago
    And who was L.A. Sno?
    (But it ain’t nobody, that’s just my baby daddy)

    Repeat 1

    You said your baby daddy was locked up, but why?
    The Bird say y’all was at the mall
    (You a liar)
    You a liar
    OK, then what his name?
    Yesterday you said his name was Jay, so it ain’t the same
    It must be your new boyfriend
    How come your bestfriend told me the dude’s name was Ken?
    You better get it together, cuz whenever you lie?
    I’m like Mary J., I’m not gon’ cry
    (Don’t cry)
    Hey, why don’t you get up and get the door?
    (You get the door)
    Yo, who that is?
    (I don’t know, who is it?)
    I bet that’s just your baby daddy

    Repeat 1

    What’s up man?
    You be ready to go?
    (What we do now?)
    You know we gotta go to the store
    Now see, that’s a perfect example
    You know you ain’t fittin’ ta’ go and get no pampers
    Well, while ya at it, get some milk
    If ya don’t hurry back
    I’mma been done dipped
    Oh baby, you can save the drama
    Cuz I’m feeling going to see my baby, momma

    Repeat 1

    I’m sick and tired, girl
    You ’bout to get fired, girl
    Don’t even try, girl
    But I ain’t all really polite, girl
    I’m sick and tired, girl
    You ’bout to get fired, girl
    Shut up and keep quiet, girl
    I’m sick & tired of all your lying, girl

    T-Bird, I need some money for my baby
    I ain’t giving you no money, that ain’t my baby
    (Yes T-Bird, it was)
    That ain’t my kid
    (Yes it is your daughter)
    I got one son
    (You got a daughter, too)
    I got a son named Chris and that’s it
    (T-bird, you trippin’)
    I ain’t smell that junk you talk
    Forget that!
    (But T-Bird, I love you)
    I ain’t wit it, I ain’t wit it

    Repeat 1

    My man Agee say Hell! Ain’t your baby daddy
    L.A. Sno! Ain’t your baby daddy
    My man its pressure, ain’t your baby daddy
    Uh J.D., he ain’t yo baby daddy

    That’s just my baby daddy

    Repeat 1

  • SuMMer

    2004/11/11 at 8:06 am

    I’m with girlpunch…you could so totally sell those on Ebay, and probably get a scary amount of money for them. But I can’t guarantee that some of those wackjobs would be using it to feed a baby..I’m an ebay addict, and I’ve come across some strange bidders in my day…
    Being that I haven’t had children yey, this pic made my mammary glands ache with longing….or something like that.

  • Caroline

    2004/11/11 at 8:16 am

    Oh. My. God. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time. Those comments about shooting milk across the room made my day (especially the one who shot her husband in the eye). And Dooce, your boob juice makes me crave creme filled doughnuts. The thought grosses me out at the same time, but — creme filled doughnuts. I’ll try really hard not to think of that picture while I eat them. You may have ruined creme filled doughnuts for me forever. And the lady who said what the lumps were – that was a bit of an overshare. Oh, and if Russian boobs shoot ice, I bet French boobs shoot wine. Drunk babies everywhere. IN FRANCE!!!!! Man I wish I were a French baby right now…

    I’m really tired by the way, if you were wondering why my post was so weird and rambly.

  • Amy

    2004/11/11 at 8:31 am

    Ha ha! It looks like Capri Sun for babies.

  • Chloe

    2004/11/11 at 8:32 am

    Come on people? Did you look at the link for breast milk CHEESE? Sure, it was in french, but you could get the gist of it. Gah! Now I have one reason to have a baby: shooting breastmilk across the room. The breast as a weapon: truly awe-inspiring.

    You could probably sell those on ebay. But you probably shouldn’t. The logistics of shipping– you’d have to fast ship in one of those cold boxes… and why would someone buy someone else’s expired breast milk? Ewww.

    Darn it! I wanted to be first! * grin *

  • Tracy

    2004/11/11 at 8:34 am

    Perhaps the milk surplus may be awarded as a prize to anyone who can correctly say Gin-n-Dooce-juice five times fast.

  • Christine

    2004/11/11 at 8:39 am

    Lactivist: *DUH!*

    I know what the purposes of the breasts are. Mammary glands did, however, evolve from sweat glands. No need to get your tits in a sling over my comment. 😉

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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