An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Eli and Chuck

  • Danielle

    This song from my childhood popped into my head the other day:

    Great big balls of greasy, grimy, gopher-guts
    Mutilated monkeys’ feet
    Little sisters dirty feet

    French-fried eyeballs rolling down the city street

    And I forgot my spoon.

    I forgot my spoon! I forgot my spoon! (sung with great glee)
    Looking back on those lyrics, I’m a bit appalled, but I’m not sure it is any worse than the diarrhea song.

  • Danielle

    is anyone else wondering when the picture is going to change??


  • mary had a little lamb
    she fed it castor oil
    and everywhere that mary went
    it fertilized the soil

  • I think Chuck is more concerned that Elli might break under interrogation………

  • Herb

    Oh, the humanity!
    – on seeing the German zeppelin Hindenburg burst into flames over a New Jersey airfield, 06 May 1937, while experimenting with field recording techniques for WLS Radio, Chicago; note that hearing the quote in context makes it sound like he might have actually said, “All the humanity and all the passengers…”
    Herb Morrison (1906-1989)

  • Gia on Guam

    “When you’re running to first and something starts to burst diarrhea, diarrhea. When you’re running to second and something starts to beckon,diarrhea, diarrhea….”

    “Leprosy, crawling all over me…There goes my eyeball into my high ball…Leprosy crawling all over me…there goes my left ear, into my fresh beer…”

  • Gia on Guam

    New verse for Dooce:

    When you’ve eaten 20 chicken wings and your butt’s starting to sting…Diarrhea, diarrhea…

    (you many shoot me now)

  • Sheryl

    That muffled scream.
    From. Inside. Your. Pants.
    The sphincter.

  • mrs. george #2

    I remember the diarrhea song… “diarrhea, diarrhea, it feels like an egg running down your leg. diarrhea, diarrhea, some people think it’s gross but it’s really good on toast”

  • To the tune of “I’m not sick but I’m not well” by LIT:

    Yesterday I ate some chicken
    now today my stomach is churning
    and my asshole is burning


  • Heathertoo

    Unfortunatly, I know MOST of these little ditys. My 8 and 5 year old sing them all the time.
    Do you remember:
    Chinese resturant
    Misery, Misery, from Alabama
    Wrigley Sperament Gum (gum,gum)
    And I remember it as:
    Diarrhea, diarrhea
    walking down the hall when its ready to fall.

  • Master of the Obvious

    Open Voting

  • I looked at the picture just now and totally remembered a song we used to sing as dumb kids (to the tune of that four-leaf clover song):

    “I’m looking over, my dead dog Rover, that dad ran over with the power mower …”

    Am I the only one who knows this? Anyone? Anyone? No?

    Man, yet another reason why I’m a huge dork.

  • the niffer

    I vaguely remember that one. But the line about the power mower is new to me… I knew a different line.

    I just asked my husband if he remembers the song and I got the “are you on glue?” look. He’s now shuttling the cats and guinea pig to a safe-closet.

  • Sheryl

    Niffer – But will your guinea pig be safe in a closet with cats?

    I’m looking over my dead dog, Rover,
    Who I hit with the power mower.
    One leg is missing, the other is gone,
    A third leg is scattered all over the lawn.
    No need explaining the one remaining
    Is spinning on the car port floor…
    I’m looking over my dead dog, Rover,
    Who I over-looked before!

  • anna jr

    ok – so if you blur your eyes a just the tiniest bit – chuck looks like he is FLOATING ABOVE THE CURB like some kind of lurking dog guardian angel and he is looking at eli like – “DON’T DO ANYTHING RASH ON THAT TINY RIDING MOWER, KID, OR I’LL HAVE TO SPROUT WINGS AND DIVE IN YOUR PATH TO PROTECT YOU!”

    (sorry for all the yelling, i just couldn’t help it.)

    happy birthday, eli!

  • Tracy

    Good God, what have you dredged out of the slough of my subconscious?

    Actually, the version I remember went, “There’s no use explaining, the parts remaining, they’re all over my front door…”

    Oh shit, now it’s a whole medley:

    “COMET makes your teeth turn green, COMET tastes like gasoline, COMET -”
    “…had a bell, Miss Susie went to Heaven, the steamboat went to HELL-o operator, please get me number nine, and if you disconnect me…”
    “…How wet I’ll be, if I don’t find the bathroom key – I found the key, now where’s the door, OOPS! Too late…”
    “Miss Susie sat upon it, it went right up her ASSSSSK me no more questions, I’ll tell you no more lies…”

    Oh, the humanity.

  • beachgal

    Awesome tractor! Go get ’em Chuck!!!

    My little one got a motorized four wheeler for his first bday…it’s so cool…tho he likes to do stunts on it already…he’ll stand on one side and press the button to make it go and then laugh as we try to catch him before he falls.

  • Ha! Chuck has a total runway strut going on.

  • I love chuckles. I have that picture from last years christmas where he is all wrapped in lights set as my desktop wallpaper. So cute!

    Eli is a cutie as well- please wrap him in lights and take photos! Happy Late Birthday Eli!!

  • HAHAHAHA! Just got that look from Sadie this morning when I caught her licking last night’s dinner plates on the coffee table.

    Ummm…not that I’m admitting to be a lousy housekeeper, or anything…

  • nama

    Sorry Dooce, I’m not a dog fan.

    Thinking: Chuck probably sniffed/ate something stinky and was on his way there to deposit his (resulting) stinky dribble on someone’s leg.

  • Chuck looks like he’s going to eat Eli.

  • Michael

    Yes, you are the very essence of bad motherhood. You shall spend eternity in a Starbucks line with bad hair, an empty wallet, and a screaming, sockless child and everyone will KNOW what you are. But if suddenly one day you come to your senses and learn to love Jesus, then of course none of this will happen. I think.

  • Completely off topic, but you have to see this:

    My favorite quote:

    “The Lord doesn’t need Doubleday’s endorsement, but there are some for whom that imprint on the spine says … this is a legitimate book of scripture,” [The head of Mormon publisher Deseret Book, Sheri Dew] was quoted as saying.

    So it would seem…

    (I finally figured out this is where everyone posts…DUH!)

  • What a potential for destruction; a dog, a small boy and his tractor!

  • Dogs are the best, they play with you, love you you can throw balls to them…cats suck..I have 2 cats Ironics isnt it?

  • I think he wants a ride onthe green machine!

  • so many comments already! This is what I get for taking a breakfast break, I guess.

    Im not seeing the guilty look, but maybe I lack imagination

  • Dee

    Eli is adorable!

    I can’t get over the sock e-mail. Too cool!

    Heather, I still NEED to know how you do the awesome Chuck cutouts so cleanly. I was playing around this weekend but still get nasty edges -and I do mean NASTY.

    Please please please let me know – I am begging, lol

  • Melanie S

    Our boxers, Eva & Guinness, do the same things with their ears when they’ve done something naughty.

    Go Chuck go!

  • That is unmistakably the “I hope nobody saw me take that dump in their yard” look if I’ve ever seen it!

  • Oh that is one cute little boy!!! Chuck is really full of emotion in every photo you take.
    Awsome shot. Happy belated ELI!

  • Em

    Chuck looks all scrunchy. My cat does that when he is having a spaz attack.

    Anyway, much happiness to Eli and his family!

  • Man, they start ’em up on the tractors young out there in the West, don’t they? Reminds me of my childhood growing up in Manhattan. I think my first toy was a miniature taxicab.

    Happy Belated Eli!

  • Liz

    I honestly cannot decide which I love more – the pictures of Leta or the pictures of Chuck!

  • I love the tractor!

    Happy Birthday!

  • Just missed being first…but this is my first time to comment, so better luck next time.

  • sideways ears – a dead giveaway. you can’t hide anything, Chuck!

  • Aww how cute!

  • My dog wears guilty the same way. Then she timidly approaches me and starts giving me doggy kisses, as if she is making up for whatever bad thing she did that I don’t yet know about.

    Cute picture!!

  • Something about the curb or the way Chuck is staring over at Eli… It reminds me of when I used to drag race.

  • Mir

    Happy birthday, Eli!

    Oh, Chuck. What have you been eating, Chuck? Naughty doggie.

  • Chuck also somewhat looks like he might attack Eli’s tractor. As in, “I’m gonna git that moving thing with the big toy riding on it!” Perhaps it’s pre-emptive guilt.

  • They both look like they are fleeing the scene of a yet-to-be-discovered crime.

    ” It was Chuck’s idea to sprinkle glitter in their yard!”

  • Lisa

    Don’t Bush’s ears point out to the sides like that a little? Perhaps this is a sure sign of a cover up shared by politicians, former and current. ;o) Wait, no, Chuck is a fabulous dog and wouldn’t do that. I love you, Chuck!


  • Thanks to Leta, Eli and Kyle – I get my ovaries hammered daily. It’s great 🙂

  • Cujo, no! Do NOT eat the boy, Cujo!

  • Sooo cute!

  • That Eli looks a bit suspicious as well…but most birthday boys are!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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