An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Let us rejoice and be glad

Dave, Beth’s husband who always ends up with half of his meal on his face and who owned half cow print, half acid wash shorts in college, took this photo of Leta and me doing a Hava Nagila dance in front of the truck I had parked in front of their crazy neighbor’s house. You can’t see it from the perspective of this picture, but those neighbors had taped hand-made signs to the trees in front of their house that said, “DO NOT PARK HERE.” Now, come on. That’s 1) illegal and 2) just plain ornery. And the best way to fight ornery is with ornery.

So I parked RIGHT THERE in front of their trees and celebrated my defiance with a little jig.

  • That grin is pure evil!

  • Stephanie

    I agree! Ornery against ornery! It’ so much more fun and stress relieving.

  • Dude — what is up with your hair? Is this during your “5 days without bathing” marathon? 😉



  • You look a bit like Uma Thurman in that photo. Anyone else see it?

  • Different Patrick

    I had just finished reading all the comments from the previous picture and written a scathingly insightful comment on Nepil pots when, to my surprise, COMMENTING HAD BEEN TURNED OFF and now my Nepil pot comment is totally inappropriate.

    w00t for civil disobedience!

  • Anne

    I am very jealous of what I can only imagine must be a veritable echo chamber between dooce’s skinny inner thighs.

    Sign me,
    Pregnant Lady with Thighs That Are Trying to Reach Out and Touch Someone, Namely Eachother

  • Sheryl

    The classic battle for parking space. Just as long as you keep dancing with the baby and don’t fall down. You did see Falling Down, right?

    Redirected rebellion, frustration and rage can make us do crazy things, like the Hava Nagila dance on a public sidewalk. Or like *the crazed scribbling and posting of Newly Decreed Laws and Extended Parameters of This Separatist Neighbor’s Personal (parking) Space* on public trees, no less.

    It * is* a public street, public trees, public sidewalk, public airspace for dancing.

    And Leta’s cuteness and babyness may keep away those parking-space-control-freaks if they have even the tinyest sphincter of human kindness in them.

    Still, Dooce, you might want to wear a bulletproof vest next time.

  • Megan

    I want to hear more about Beth’s
    crazy neighbors. I also want you to make them mad more often. Can we please have a post later all about crazy neighbor drama?

  • in my neighborhood we have both painted the sidewalks red to keep the tourists from blocking our driveways AND painted the city designated red zones white so we can have extra parking.

    it’s newport beach. we already figure we own the world. why not the street too.

  • Gia

    You’re smiling! I love it.

  • dre


    You are so darn pretty when you smile. (You are pretty when you don’t smile, too!) 😀

    I read Beth’s web page — the story of the crazy neighbors. Seriously, that is SCARY! What freaks.


  • Laura

    I covet your shoes!

    And your amazing lack of saddlebags, but I have a better chance of acquiring the shoes than of losing my excess thigh-age.

  • nika

    lusting after your shoes right now, woman. I just kicked off my own shoes in disgust.

    That story of Beth’s is insane. what the hell is wrong with people? at least they’re fun to make fun of. heh.

  • ashley

    i read beths site.
    and oh my gosh!
    if they really wanted privacy they should move to sandy (whatever sandy means)
    and close their blinds. screw the cats privacy is way more important.
    just kidding about the cats, i love cats.
    but those people are PSYCHO!

  • K

    I LOVE those shoes.
    And your page…i started blogging because of it. Hoepfully you don’t mind my giving you “props” in the title. If you do, well, i guess you could always sue me or something. Or force me to donate to your website. That I could do.

  • Heather S.

    Your story reminded me of that crazy middle finger guy in Provo.

  • Heather, Are you wearing corn rows in your hair?!?!?!?!

    I haven’t loked at other comments yet so forgive me if it’s already been asked….

    um, they look nice….

  • Stephanie

    Boy you are skinny. Looks like you need to eat some fried chicken honey!

  • kittysays

    Am I the only one that noticed that Leta is wearing 2 socks???!!

  • RazDreams

    Methinks you’re doing your little jig because you know that *Leta has both of her socks on her feet!!!* Even I’m doing a Happy Dance for you.

  • Wow! How long are your legs exactly? They are impressive. I’m suddenly very envious and very much regreting the 5 chocolate mini-donuts that I had for breakfast.

    Thanks for giving me such great reading material on the World Wide Web everyday, BTW.

  • Sarah

    You are skinny! Get you some bacon!

  • The shoes are DKNY running shoes I bought for like 10 bucks at Shoe Pavillion on Beverly Blvd. in Los Angeles. They’re four years old and I plan to be buried in them. Jon calls them my Rocket Shoes.

    As for the hair: the top of my hair is pulled back into one ponytail which is then pulled down and back into another ponytail holding the bottom portion of my hair. My hair is in that in between stage where if I use just one ponytail it all falls out, so it calls for TWO.

    Also, I lost a lot of hair after the baby was born, and I’m starting to grow it back around my forehead so I’ve got all these short hairs sprouting out around my hair line.

    And yes, I hadn’t showered in three days. I just admitted that on the Internet underneath a picture of the actual evidence.

  • Seriously

    Can we please lay off the insanely detailed and confessional (envy?!?) scrutinizing of Heather and Jon’s appearance?

    Did any of you read Dooce’s post last week about eating disorders? No need for critiquing her every feature or habits. NO NEED to compare yourself or your man or berate yourself on the internet for not looking like her, having longer legs, thin thighs, red shoes, a husband who rakes leaves.
    Ok, well I understand the last one.

    But please, have some respect for Heather as a person and for chrissakes! Have some respect for *yourselves*. We’re all different. We’re all in progess. JEEZ

  • Win

    I’ve learned to live with the fact that’s not fair you’ve got a cute kid, a cute husband, a cute dog, even a cute cousin.

    But lady, you got cute shoes too.

    And that’s just too much to take.

  • melba

    I have to tell you, that is not a truck. It is an SUV. Are you afraid to admit that you drive a gas guzzler?

  • Sarah

    My goodness, girl! It’s a good thing you don’t live on the snowy plains! You’re so tall and thin that one good snowy wind would bury you. 🙂

    Looks like you and Leta are having some fun!

  • krissy pants

    Oh my god! I totally thought it was a rooster, too.

  • lyn

    well, i’m fat and pregnant and i think heather and i BOTH have great legs. wanna scrutinize my appearance? i don’t mind. (isn’t that why we post pictures of ourselves? so people can admire our fabulousness?)

    speaking of pregnancy and crazy neighbors, my crazy neighbor found out i was pregnant while interrogating my mother about why i am so fat and then called my landlords to tell them i was knocked up. we’re going to train our baby to pee in her yard.

  • Heather, how tall are you?

  • Sarah

    Hey, #75,

    As long as the comments are fun and friendly, I don’t see any reason to get your knickers in a knot.

  • Awww the joys of having a baby. It doesn’t even end after you give birth! (Still recovering from the hair thing 19 months after Josh was born!) When you have legs like that, who gives a rats ass about hair!

  • Heather 2

    By the way…about the tupperware. What’s a WEEVIL?

  • The size of your body doesn’t matter to me.

    The shape of your thighs doesn’t matter to me.

    The length of your legs doesn’t matter to me.

    The radiance that comes through your smile as you dance with lovely Leta — *that* matters to me!

    It’s good to see you enjoying your life, Heather. Keep going!

  • it is a known fact that to eradicate Stupid one must first slap Stupid right upside the head and where possible give it a good swift kick in the pants as well. you have neatly achieved both and i applaud you. should Stupid remain undaunted by these efforts, which is likely as Stupid is remarkably persistent (see recent US election results), please persist in your efforts. at some point you will emerge victorious.

  • Great pic! A most excellent expression of joy.

    The comments about thinking the thumbnail was of a rooster made me laugh. I totally thought it was a garden gnome. 🙂

  • Jen

    Hey, is there also a little note on their mailbox that you are marching past?



  • Sarah

    You know, I wonder what your crazy, isolationist neighbors would do if some Mormons came knocking at their door?

    Do you guys get door-to-door Mormons in Utah?

  • Laurie

    According to my boyfriend, weevil or boll wevils are little bugs that can drill their way through wood and sometimes live in older house cabinets. Although he doesn’t understand how they would get into the fridge with the tupperware. 🙂

    I LOVE those shoes! THey look like merrell hiking shoes kinda.

  • After 89 comments, don’t you feel conscious about your long legs? 🙂

    But I hope you piss your neighbours off mightily………

  • Jen

    When I saw the thumbnail, I thought it was a rooster. Kudos for beating the neighbors in the ornary game.
    And I agree, your legs could definitely reach China. Having barely reached five feet and staying there, I will never know what that feels like.

  • Caroline

    I notice people keep commenting on the numbers of the posts. Do they count all the posts to find these numbers (75? Who counts to post 75?), because my computer is totally not showing post numbers. I knew there was some kind of conspiracy going on. I better get some electrical tape and post some signs out front. That’s the logical thing to do.

  • Is it me or does Leta have both her socks on? How long did it last?

  • Bilge

    Nice gas guzzler.

  • Very funny .. very very funny. Glad to see leta takes after her mom in sarcastic humour. I can’t believe I wasn’t posting sooner, I checked the site so often ahhhh, one day one day!

  • Henry

    OMGWTF what if they are planning to blow themselves up and assassinate teh president OMG!!!!!!1111oneone

    seriously, Dee, do you really wanna call the cops on these people? Yeah they’re clearly a little freaky but they were hardly threatening by what I read. But they seem strange to you so let’s harrass them! awesome!

    i am not sure america really needs an informer-state right now. maybe you disagree.

  • krissy pants

    I’ve been wondering the same thing! How do people know what number they are? I know up top it lists how many people have commented…but how do you know where a specific message falls in that number?

    Internet? Please let us know…as I’m sure you will with force.

  • henry

    krissy – uh, you add one to the number of comments? what with the number of comments going up by one everytime you post, you can prove inductively that the number of your post is the number of previous posts plus one.

    now people sometimes post in between you sampling the post count and making your post: this gives us a ‘margin of error’ that is proportional to the rate of posts which itself seems to be a function of just how cute a shot of leta is and also how many other comments have been made.

    i expect to be comment 99 or 100. Maybe 101 since I had to go to the bathroom while writing this post.

  • I see a number at the top of the page that tells how many post there are.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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