An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

I’ll get this whole thing into my mouth so help me God

  • My ovaries, my uterus, can you hear them screaming? I need me one of those..STAT!

  • again with the chubby hands! i can’t take it anymore! she’s just too cute!

  • andy

    It reminds me of the scene in A Christmas Story with Ralphie sitting with a bar of LifeBoy (Sp?) in his mouth. “Over the years I had become quite the connoiseur of soap. . . .”

    I love your party story. You would be fun to take place. Like my wife, who at 33 still likes to dress up each year at Halloween as Pippy Longstocking and go stomping through Whole Foods challenging people to armwrestle.

    Adulthood is way more fun than being a kid: there’s cool women and of course tequila.

  • Dooce,

    She’s starting to look more like you, you know.


  • Liz

    Thank you for the depression post. I genuinely appreciate your openess on this topic, and doubt I would have gotten help without you.


  • 0123

    So, like how old are you? Brian Eno’s dress-up phase was over by 1975. It was on to Peter Gabriel shortly thereafter. We need not mention Alice Cooper (1969), David Bowie (1972?) and the others.

  • red

    pictures of Leta everyday would be just fine with all of us, i think. good Lord, she’s cute.

  • Thank you Heather for another realistic post on depression. Thank you for getting the help you need so we can all be here enjoying you, your family would not be the only ones to have lost you. Lastly thank you for helping me understand that I too might have the PPD and thank you for giving me the courage to ask for help when I needed it

    P.S. All praise zoloft

  • Man, it just isn’t fair. She chews on a red plastic thing and everyone adores her. I do it and everyone pretends to not see while my S.O. takes away the rest of the tequila. Age-ism that’s what it’s called folks!

  • i’m gonna have to agree with all the cute comments around here too, heather.

    your daughter even makes MY ovaries skip a beat.

  • Thanks for the Be Well for Me post.

    up up up up up up points the
    spire of the steeple
    but god’s work isn’t done by god
    it’s done by people

    up up up up up up points the
    fingers of the trees
    the lumberjacks with their bloody axes
    are on their knees

    and just when you think that you’ve got enough
    enough grows
    and everywhere that you go in life
    enough knows

    up up up up up up dances
    the steam from the sewer
    as she rounds the corner
    the brutal wind blows right through her

    up up up up up up raises
    the stakes of the game
    each day sinks its bootprint into her clay
    and she’s not the same

    and just when you think that you’ve got enough
    enough grows
    and everywhere that you go in life
    enough knows

    half of learning how to play
    is learning what not to play
    and she’s learning the spaces she leaves
    have their own things to say
    then she’s trying to sing just enough
    so that the air around her moves
    and make music like mercy
    that gives what it is
    and has nothing to prove

    she crawls out on a limb
    and begins to build her home
    amd it’s enough just to look around
    to know she’s not alone

    up up up up up up points
    the spire of the steeple
    but god’s work isn’t done by god
    it’s done by people

    -Ani DiFranco

  • shelli

    OK two things –

    1) I’m gonna get up at 5 freaking am, just to beat all of you foilks who have some scret desire that your life will be incomplete unless you are first to comment on the picture. HAVE YOU NO LIVES? 🙂

    2) She is TOOOOOO cute for words, so I’ll just leave it at that.

    and 3) thanks for reminding me to play my music loudly, as I upload the best of Kansas and Bach’s concerto #3 illegally onto my computer at work, so I can listen to my music loudly. Thanks indeed!

  • beachgal

    btw, I’m utterly jealous of the red-headed thing Leta has going on. I hoped my son would be a red head, but no such luck. Leta is just so adorable. I’m almost aching for a girl now, even though I swore I was done with one.

  • Awwwe, she may look like Daddy but she’s got Momma’s appetite, and hey that kid is the cutest, keep the pics coming!

  • “The Snozberries taste like Snozberries!”

    (Is anybody else as freaked out by Gene Wilder as I am?)

  • Kano

    All I can say is, You people are weird!

  • How come every single day people get all excited about being the first to comment? Do they have no life??

  • I love all of these pictures of Leta. Keep ’em coming!

  • You are Nibbler from Futurama and I claim my free personal organiser.

  • the niffer

    Chris from Ohio: Gene Wilder freaks me out, too. But his weirdness fits that role to a t.

  • Snozberries? Who ever heard of snozberries?

  • the niffer

    I love Nibbler from Futurama – especially after seeing the episode where we find out that his people are all terribly smart and don’t want to be seen as cute.

    Leta is so Nibbler.

  • Sheryl

    I always thought Snozberries was a fancy word for boogers. Blue boogers, somehow, but boogers nonetheless.

    (berries – like the berries in “dingleberries” my exceptionally furry-assed persian cat hauls around, while pretending not to know they exist.)

  • I haven’t read all 73 or so comments, but I just wanted to point out that the lead singer for the YYY!s is Karen O. I’m thinking you probably already knew this, but just in case…

  • *Wilder* Is it raining? Is it snowing?
    Is a hurricane a-blowing?
    Not a speck of light is showing,
    So the danger must be growing.
    Are the fires of Hell a-glowing?
    Is the grisly reaper mowing?
    Yes, the danger must be growing,
    For the rowers keep on rowing,
    And they’re certainly not showing,
    Any signs that they are slowing!

    *Me* ::terrified::

  • Bryan

    Reminds me of the soap Ralphie had to eat in The Christmas Story.

    “What did this to you, Ralphie?”
    “It was… soap… poisoning!”

  • abc

    remember when she was just a frog?

  • The way she looks at you when you take pictures of her…the look is always the same.

    I wonder what it means.

  • Colleen from NJ

    my 2.5 year old boy, Ian, has the hots for Leta. “Baby eats an apple…whoooooaaaa,” he told me.

  • re: the “charm me” post from today–As charming as it is, maybe you should have Jon checked out for that problem.

    For all those quoting The Christmas Story: “Oooh, fraGEEElay, must be Italian!”

  • Ooh, I loooove The Christmas Story!
    I give it an “A plus plus plus plus plus plus plus plus….” (ad infinitum)

    Adorable Leta, as always, Heather.

    FISH, how much longer until you and Mrs. Fish have your little guppy?

  • Sheryl

    Leta as adult: I have since heard of people under extreme duress speaking in strange tongues. I became conscious that a steady torrent of obscenities and swearing of all kinds was pouring out of me as I scre heeee heeee heeeeamed.

  • Leon

    Now, I haven’t had a Flinstones Chewable Vitamin or a Children’s Tylenol (or whatever that thing is) in a long time, but have they really gotten that big? I guess it’s just like anything else – boobies, SUV’s, wedding rings, egos etc.

    …..damn I’m old

    Much applause to Girl A and Andy for stealing my Matrix/Christmas Story brain waves before I could get them posted down


  • i never tire of leta photos 🙂

  • Dana

    We bought a D70 this weekend I’m sooooo excited!! (not that my pics will be anything close to yours).

    Thanks for your honesty RE: depression, I’ve brushed that place and it’s a horror.

  • Tracy

    Obviously, someone triple-dog-dared Leta to see whether the whole thing would fit. Someday, it’ll be her out in the schoolyard with her tongue stuck on a pole.

  • Come on, Leta! You can do it!
    (Just don’t choke on it.)

  • I love Leta. She is the goddess of adorableness. But as a reader who does not have children I say out loud


    LOL Have a great day!

  • Carol

    I LOVE A Christmas Story and the “fra-geee-lay” part is our favorite.

    It’s almost time to get that video out again.

    “you’ll shoot your eye out!!” and the bumpus hounds are good too.

    Yes, Fish when is the guppy coming? Have you taken the full belliness pic yet?

  • Katy

    Ladybug and Carol, Mrs. Fish’s remaining days as preggo is the first thing you see when you click on his name on his posts.

  • doonesbury

    Sheryl – ha!
    I am watching A Christmas Story on dvd this afternoon with my GF.
    “…conscious of a steady torrent of obscenities and swearing of all kinds was pouring out of me…”

    Just recognized this from your post-
    Do you know every line in Christmas Story?!

  • Said in the best Homer Simpson voice: “Ummmmm….blocks.”

  • Cate

    Um, so nobody shoot me or anything…And just let me preface by saying Leta is adorable with her big dark eyes and squidgy face…but I can totally see how someone would mistake her for a boy. I’m not saying she looks like a boy to me, but that I can see where the mistake could be made.

    Do I need to kiss some serious butt now?

  • Neil

    Cate – all babies are pretty androgenous looking. You’re probably thinking Leta’s shirt is not feminine.
    But seriously, what an inane and dumbass comment. On par with “I’m first!” Ok, worse. Are you in junior high yet?

  • Neil

    Cate, how did I do? Was that the kind of response you were looking for?

  • victoria

    Cate, she looks like a boy to me, too. As far as I can tell, girls sometimes look like boys and vice versa at that age. What’s the big deal?

  • victoria

    Oh, and Neil? It’s “androgynous,” not “androgenous.”

  • Cate

    Oh, so you were just playing to what you thought my expectations were? Cute, Neil. Really.

    I know babies are rather androgynous looking. And it’s not a big deal. But whenever dooce talks about someone mistaking Leta for a boy, nobody else comes out and says “Yeah, I see how that could happen.” Instead it’s all “How could they?! When Leta is so obviously the most adorable darling baby *girl* there ever was. What a cretin for thinking she was a boy.” So I was just going for a less adulatory, more honest approach to commenting.

  • Amanda B.

    Leta is a hoot. I wonder if she’ll go through a silly putty eating phase like I, uh, I mean my brother did.

    What?!? I would soooooo marry Gene Wilder if I didn’t already have an old man. Have you not seen Blazing Saddles? Young Frankenstien?

  • True Story:

    I met the Yeah Yeah Yeahs backstage at a festival this fall. I had never heard of them before, because I live under a fucking rock. My friend described the music, sort of, and said that he’s sure the lead singer was a cheerleader in a former life based on her onstage presence. I spent most of my backstage time psuedo-stalking Richard Butler of the Psychadelic Furs and John Doe of X; when I ran into the Yeah Yeah Yeahs (as I stood craning my neck to find Mr. Butler and John Doe) my reaction was so grandmotherly I wanted to die:

    Me: “So what band are you with, dear?”
    Guitarist Dude: “The Yeah Yeah Yeahs.”
    Me: “Oh, didn’t you just play on stage? I’d never heard of you. You were darling. Really gave it your all.”
    Guitarist Dude: “Errr….yeahthanks.”
    Singer Lady: klaj0ep-=vjk3-30 !
    (She said something completely indecipherable and looked at me like she was about to stab me or put out a cigarette in my eye)

    I also met those Franz Ferdinand kids, whom I kept referring to as Franco American. They humored me.

    There really isn’t a moral to this story, but the image of you singing like the cheerleader stabby chick made me giggle.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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