An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

I’ll get this whole thing into my mouth so help me God

  • Neil

    [Victoria, lol, good point! Must remember to spell-check my flames, even if they are special requests like this one was.]

    Taking literally a mother’s comments about the dearest thing in their lives, one way or another, is just… well, ridiculous. Whether it is adulatory or nit-picking the rationale. Dooce’s a freakin mother, that is a force to be reckoned with.The Golden Rule is for interacting with others, for crap’s sake – not for telling stories if you want your readers to remain in a waking state.

    I just thought it was funny how you posted and were all like bending over and looking over your shoulder: now you can kick my butt.
    Hint: it would make for better reading if you said: Leta looks like a freakin boy in that shirt!
    That’s right and *some people* probably wouldn’t hesitate to title a picture “I Dressed Her As A Boy This Morning So I Could Screw With The People At The Post Office!”

  • eco2geek

    Amanda B.:

    That’s Fran’-ken-stein.

  • Sheryl

    Hey Amanda B!
    I lurve Young Frankenstein! I remember seeing World’s Greatest Lover and the Woman in Red at the The Foxy Cinema. When I was growing up, Gene Wilder movies used to make me peee heee heee my pants. Ok, that part wasn’t so great – borrowing my sister’s sweatshirt to wrap around my waist so I could leave the movie theatre. But Mister Wilder is hysterical no matter how you spell Frak-nin-stine

  • Danika

    I find it funny that everyone compares her to Jon and how much she looks like him but then are like Dooce should be pissed about that one person calling her a boy. I mean uhh Jon is a man right? So why wouldn’t Leta who apparently looks like him be confused as a boy?

    Personally I think is some pictures she has looked like a boy and in others a girl. Like Neil pointed out… babies look pretty androgynous.

    I still think she is very cute. Although I don’t see her looking more like Jon or Heather.

  • Cate

    You’re right, Neil. I was being rather diffident. I’ll stop that right away. I was just a little afraid of pissing off the “All hail, dooce!” crowd. I mean, I love dooce and all – why else would I be here – but seriously, sometimes it’s like an epidemic of yes-men around here.

    Leta totally looks like a boy in that t-shirt!

  • Cate

    Plus, I’m bored and wishing I weren’t chained to a desk. A work week this short, why should I have to work at all? I’d rather be home getting started on that whole feasting thing. And drinking.

  • eco2geek

    “I am not a Frankenstein. I’m a Fronkensteen. Don’t give me that. I don’t believe in fate. And I won’t say it.”

    “Igor, would you mind telling me whose brain I did put in?”

    “And you won’t be angry?”

    “I will NOT be angry.”

    “Abby someone.”

    “Abby someone. Abby who?”

    “Abby Normal.”

    “Abby Normal?”

    “I’m almost sure that was the name.”

    “Are you saying that I put an abnormal brain into a seven and a half foot long, fifty-four inch wide GORILLA? IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE TELLING ME?”

  • Sheryl

    Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: HE’S GOT A ROTTEN BRAIN! IT’S ROTTEN, I TELL YA! ROTTEN!
    The Monster: RAAAAAAAA!
    Igor: Ixnay on the ottenray.

  • Neil

    Cate, you’re chained to your desk? Now that is interesting.

  • eco2geek

    Interesting. has “memorable quotes”: from movies.

  • victoria

    I just realized I may have made a mistaken assumption: I had concluded that dooce did NOT take offense when people thought Leta was a boy.

    I reached this conclusion based on the assumption that if dooce wanted to forestall the whole mistaken-sex problem, she would dress Leta in frilly dresses or pink onesies. But instead of trying to prevent confusion, she seems to enjoy watching strangers squirm as they play “guess the baby’s gender.”

    But everyone else in the comments section seems to assume that saying a baby girl looks like a boy is the most offensive comment any person could make to any mother.

    If you folks are right, and I’m wrong, then dooce, please accept my sincere apologies.

  • What up Sheryl and eco2geek!

    “No matter how cruely I beg…DO NOT open this door.”

    Leta looks like a baby to me. Actually in this pic she sorta looks like Mel Torme. And we all know she doesn’t *look* like Mel Torme. Chill out yo.

  • 25 days and counting, thanks for asking.

    Dooce: we had a name all picked out for our kid, but now we’re going to name him “el Senor Loco Jumping Bean”, because of the way he beats the living crap out of my wife’s innards. It made me think back to all your posts last year about Leta having her feet securely wedged between your pancreas and your spleen. Good times.

    All you Gene Wilder fans, (especially Amanda B with her bizarre but strangely intriguing crush on him): You’re cracked. Everyone knows the real star of “Charlie” was Augustus Gloop. I betcha that guy switch straight from swilling liquid chocolate to swilling Yukon Jack once he got out of that damned factory.

  • eco2geek

    All I know is that there are certain questions that, as a guy, you should *never* ask women. Such as,

    “Are you pregnant?”

    and, without knowing,

    “What a cute baby boy!”

    (I have only said _one_ of these things, to my lasting embarrassment.)

  • Sheryl

    Let me outta here! I was joikng, didn’t you know that? If you don’t let me out, I’m gonna beat your heads in!” (paraphrasing – I’m on the train, using my blackberry)

    Yo yo yo Amanda B
    Kick it ova here babypup and let all the fly skimmies feel tha BEAT!

    So I’m not a mom or anything. So take that into acct when you read this: I don’t think I would care if someone got my baby’s gender wrong. I studied painting in college and you would not believe the crazy ass shite people would imagine they saw in my work, and every now and then they would say something interesting that would change my own perceptions. I liked it. But I didn’t give birth to it, so who knows? Not having the hormones nor carrying the torch of human civilization, the whole projection thing is just kinda interesting to me. Says more about the frame of mind of the speaker than the subject. Know whattimean?

    Now if the kid was like 6 and didn’t like the comment, I might have to kick some mofo ass. Aight.

  • kp

    that last entry (about the liz phair song) made me cry. a lot of shit happened this year and i had convinced myself to just give up hope and not really expect anything great ever, but goddammit, dooce, you force hope down my throat.

  • All I’m saying is that if I had to pick the freakiest thing in that movie it would be the godforsaken Oompas. *shiver*

    I would so be the secret ingredient in a Gene Wilder/Mel Brooks sam-ich.

    I once asked a girl (who’d had her baby 2 months earlier) when she was due. Bad mojo.

    Countdown to babyFish!

  • KP- sorry. I didn’t mean to post my goofy-talk right after you got through saying you were having a tough time.

    I’m a goober. 🙂

  • dudes. she looks just like her father. OF COURSE she looks like a boy. don’t most babies look like boys? i hate frilly things myself so I impose that taste on her. she’s not allowed to wear frilly things however hard my mother tries and forces it upon her.

    when she’s 18 she can wear frilly, but not in ma house she ain’t!

    (to summarize: no offense taken when she is mistaken for a boy, except for when I correct the person AND THEY STILL refer to her as “fella.” those persons deserve to be 9 months pregnant FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES.)

  • GMM

    Forget being first. I get to post right after Heather herself!!

  • Sheryl

    KP, don’t let go.
    I’ve really struggled with keeping any sort of faith beyond my own self, but somehow I never let hope drift further than I could swim to from my raft.

    I consider myself a *realistic pessimist*. Probability dictates that good things have to happen on occasion. And even that good things can sometimes last. Peace to you.

  • Sheryl

    P.S. KP, sometimes Hope drifted back to me on its own, when I had let go or was too tired to swim.

  • I just read through all the comments and I realized that a lot of people are reading through the comments. Is this some kind of bizarre cultural phenomenon–the comment community?….I love the idea of a community forming around something so transitory and specific.

    On a related note, you people do not understand babies. We are not so foolish to believe that these objects will fit entirely into our mouths. We are merely training our jaws to stretch to their maximum capacity. With time, we will be able to create greater and greater clearance. Like yoga, only different. Cleans out the chakras and stuff. It’s a baby thing. You wouldn’t understand.

    (She says, as the little comment community fades into archives.)

  • I used to know a girl in high school who could put her whole fist in her mouth…I was SO unaware of why the guys all thought that was so amazing.

    On a totally unrelated note…Heather, thanks for the post about finding your mate. If only, and I sure hope so.

    – who is NOT looking forward to more holidays alone.

  • Molly

    Great picture, as usual..

    You TOTALLY need to check out this bitchin’ site!

  • Carol

    Are you fucking kidding me?? I LOVE Liz Phair! If you haven’t seen her live, you have to! She is so awesome.

    OK, that’s all.

  • 500 times? A day?

    Oh yeah?! Well, I so got up off of the bed to change the channel on the t.v. because I could not locate my remote.

    So there you go Ms. Tiny-thigh, Toned-ass woman.

  • Molly

    Hey, Amanda B. there is an Oompa who lives in Milwaukee! I ran into him once at the Toys R Us.. he was only about 4 feet tall.. and my Sister-in-law looks at me and says, “Hey! that’s the guy that was in the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory movie!” and then even louder says, “HE WAS AN OOMPA LOOMPA!” He just looked at us smiled, waved, and continued shopping..

  • GirlA

    Super Turtle Girl,
    I think you hit on something…

    Do you feel a little bit like Horton in Horton Hears a Who? (Not that anyone wants to boil us in oil) This many-to-one relationship (tho there are many blogs and communities brought here and found here) must be a bit of a trip.

    Y’all, Heather goes to a party, some people there wear pleated jeans (funny at first I thought this meant some kind of pintucked super lo-rise jeans. Because, well, I just imagined it that way) and meanwhile, while she is belting out *Maps* for a-we’ll-never-really-know-if-it was-rapt-or-raised-eyebrow-audience, we’re keeping the dustspeck alive.

    It’s not like everyone else at the party had thousands of little generators going, keeping their internet dustspeck (humor, energy, hope) rolling…even dreaming of little Letas when they sleep…

  • bb

    Dooce, I think I’ve found that, but you articulate it in such a way that makes me long for it, even though I have it. Does that seem weird? You seem to have the best kind of love…

  • Carol

    As for numerous baby faux pas(es?)…

    When I was hugely preggers but not nearly due (Thanksgiving) a sweet old man asked me if it was a Christmas baby. I nicely responded, No, New Years. I didn’t have the heart to tell him it was due Valentines Day.

    People asked me if I was having twins all the time. When I politely said no. They asked if I “was sure.” (OK, that one pissed me off. Especially when they were 23, skinny and wondering why the hell I was in their stylish boutique) But, really I didn’t mind.

    Then after the baby was 6 weeks old, Someone asked me when I was due. That kind of sucked, but I understood. It takes a while to get the weight off.

    Now that I’m an ass-kicking, boot camp-going size 4 (yes, ladies you can get it back), when your best friend’s dumb ass brother asks you if you’re pregnant again… you make him feel as stupid as you possibly can.

    So, to all of those who have said something and then felt bad… don’t worry – you weren’t the first. And you won’t be the last.

    And any pregnant lady who doesn’t have a sense of humor has more pressing things to worry about than a comment from a stranger. Like having a kid!

  • Carol

    Dooce- just to make you feel better for letting Leta fall over and not jumping up to get her…

    Our one and a half year old has been screaming for about 30 minutes. It’s a phase. He’s not sick, he’s not hungry, he’s not in pain. He can go to bed by himself. But this madness (won’t go to bed until he is in OUR bed) has got to end, so… I’m reading Dooce and all the comments and my husband is watching something on TV… and we are painfully listening to that sweet boy cry and wail and are waiting for the phase to BE OVER!

  • OK I have to tell someone…U2 drove up 7th ave in NYC on a flatbed truck playing songs…that was the coolest!

  • Carol

    Kieran- today? that is cool.

  • Carol

    OK, I’m the only on right now, but I gots ta give a little shout out to my sistahhs… Amanda B. (aka Ashley), Sheryl, LadyBug and Fish. (Fish I know you’re not a sistah, but whatever…) Oh, and the lovely Dooce.

    Fo Shizzle!

  • Sheryl

    Yo Carol
    Da Peterbilt jus be pullin in ta ma crib. ‘Sup?
    Baby boy go to sleep?

  • ‘Sup Carol. I’m impressed that anyone is ever a size 4- much less post baby. Rock on!

    GirlA- that’s it…let loose your inner Kansas. 😉

  • uh-oh… watch your bandwidth spike. you’re on kottke.

  • Carol

    Yo, yo, yo… Sheryl. You up too?

    Thanks fo aksin.. yeah, theys baby boy laid down like lake placid after a LONG while. Thank they Lord, cuz you know, I be hatin that shit. Lordy, growd up in the big A T L and cain’t be talkin no shit, but read yo post other night and I got it honey. You’s be talkin some straight shit. I knows you good.

    OK, I feel bad posting like this, fo SHIZZLE.


    Love, love. Honey. That all it be.

  • Carol

    Yo, Amanda B.!!!-

    You up, too!?

    Yeah, haven’t been a size 4 since college (graduated in ’90). But Boot Camp is the shit!! It’s awesome. Fun!! Outside, 6 in the am… military guys yelling at you (nicely) and kicking your ass all over the park. Works, too.

    I still have a ways to go, but feeling good. I wish I could show you what I looked like pregnant. HUGE!!! I had an 11 pounder (!!) the first time and a 10 pounder the second time (he was a week late). And I’m 5’4″.

    Yes, they were both C-sections. What do you think I am .. a huge vagina?

    heee heeeheee

  • Sheryl

    Amanda B,
    I done let my inner Kansas out, in the kettle. Whew that was a looooong ass commute and I had to pee – like I aint even in Kansas anymo.

    My BF is “watching football” which means he is asleep like Lake Futon.

  • Carol

    Oh, God. Just turned on Liz Phair on the iTunes. That means I’ll be up for another hour, drinking beer and my husband will so much more ammunition for our therapist in a few days. : )

    But, hey, I love reading all this shit.

  • Carol

    How can you leave an ENTIRE WORD out of your post? I’m “Top 25 Educated” after all…

    It’s the Heineken. And the screaming sweet baby boy.

    Ah… motherhood. Craziness at it’s most superficial and loveable level.

  • Sheryl

    I’m sure my brain would be functioning at quarter-mast if I had kids (not that your is!). I’m used to getting super absorbed in things. Not sure I could do it all. Sure I couldn’t, actually.

  • yay! the hair is growing!…


  • Mal

    Heather Armstrong-
    Your words are so perfect, so inspiring.
    They are exactly what I need to hear, phrased so perfectly.
    If you have amazing talent – photography, writing, and being the best wife and mother. Thank you for this web site, thank you.
    -Mallory Walsh

  • Carol

    Sheryl – You get used to it. But only sort of. It IS madness. Especially when you have two. But you LOVE them more than anything and they are fun… mostly.

    Most of my friends have three, and they say they’ve gone over “the edge.”

    OK, so now … my husband wants three!! I kind of don’t. Two healthy boys, count your blessings, right? Plus, I get GINORMOUS! I dont know. I’m almost 37… what do you think …Sheryl and Amanda B. and Dooce?

    Sorry, Dooce, but you kind of like to read it, right? Don’ t mean to take up space, but we’ve become a community kind of and it IS late….

    Did I mention that Liz Phair rocks?

  • As a Heather whose John died way too early – you have a beautiful power of making me miss him just a little extra because you make me remember how great being in love is. Thank you.

  • partypooper

    Find it? No I won’t. And I spent 15 years in a marriage in denial, thinking maybe I had it.

  • Sheryl

    I’m 37 now and haven’t even started 🙂 Not that I will. I am 90% sure that I won’t.

    Love kids. Love life. Just don’t think I want anything or anyone to take over my consciousness. I spent so many years focused outside of me, I have a lot of catching up to do.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

read more