An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Grandmommie and punkin head

  • arielle

    my little cousin jillian (for whom i babysit frequently) calls it “beebah” and will not eat lunch without it on.

  • I think the Avon World Sales Leader looks kind of like a Mary Kay Lady…

    Leta is adorable!

  • We call our girls punkin heads, too. Now whenever our 2.5 yr old wakes up she runs in and calls her daddy a punkin head.

    As for Boobah, my 4 yr old calls it Blue Balls. heh heh

  • Jen

    Your mom is beautiful!! Needless to say, her (Avon, of course)makeup looks perfect. And your little girl has the cutest chub cheeks–so completely edible.

    Yeah, who is that mystery man in the orange shirt in the background?? Methinks it’s GEORGE! Go GEORGE!

  • Marie

    I grinned ear to ear just studying Leta’s adorable smile!

    I wish the internets and blogging had been around when my “li’l tardface”/”doodlebug” was a baby! What a great legacy you’re leaving for her Dooce!

  • We are such new parent wimps that with our monkey’s first (mild) cold, we took off work to watch him cough. Even better is that he’s back to the same sleep schedule he had at 2 months (he’s 5 months now). We’re at 9 days right now. I hope this cold is over soon.

    That is a verrry cute picture of Leta!!!

    PS: Isn’t there a clause in the parental contract that says if the first born is a lion, the second is a lamb???

  • meilaan

    Every time Tom Cruise is on TV, someone in the room has to say, “HEY, DID YOU KNOW TOM CRUISE IS GAY?” It’s kind of like that game Slug Bug.

  • Happily my boys are too old for Boobah, but we survived the Barney & Teletubbies phase just fine. Your mom is beautiful… 🙂

  • JustMe

    WOW…that’s one of those you want to blow up and send in your Christmas Cards.

    SIDENOTE: For oozing sick babies, turn your shower on and steam up the bathroom and go sit in there with her. She will feel SO MUCH BETTER. You can also rub VICKS all over YOUR chest and let her lay next to, on top of you. It’s a great trick. Trust me because I have the ever continuous puking child. When she was a baby, she would get a cold, cough, puke. She is three now and still does that. /sidenote

  • Awww, hurray for family bonding time!

  • grandmas make everything better!

  • All this bit about what the kids are called/what the kids call us brings to mind a habit I have when I walk into PreK and Kindergarten classrooms. I usually greet the kids with “Hi, Monsters.” Early on, they protest that they’re not monsters, so I tell them “You’re all monsters, but it’s the good kind.” Later on, they’ll respond “Hi, Mister Monster.”

    This greeting on their part usually carries on into first and second grade. (-:

    My kid, I used to call “cutiepie” or “shortstuff.” Nowadays (she’s 13) I find myself stifling the urge to call her “dumbass.” The times, they are a-changin’.

  • kdf

    I like the sideways thumbs-up Leta’s giving to the camera.

  • The only thing worse than the *possiblity* that Tom Cruise may be gay (I still don’t know where that info came from, and refuse to believe it…I just WON’T) is Jessica Simpson’s remake of “Take My Breath Away.” Such an atrocity.

  • Colleen from NJ

    Anita, I can only testify that the opposite is true. Our first boy was the easiest baby ever. He tricked me into thinking I had the parenting thing down pat.

    Then we had #2, devil child. Now it makes no difference if we have 10 more because I will never be able to empty my bladder alone again.

    I do that often. The third one is due 1/1/2004/.

    Hope your little monkey’s feeling better.
    That doesn’t sound right at all.

    Thank God for Grandmas and Grandpas, and may we all be one of them someday…. but not too soon.

  • Badger: Heh — weeks now, huh? That’s great! 🙂

    Dooce: LOVE the picture! What a great one! What great smiles Lil Leta has!

    The Boobahs are seriously strange little creatures, along the same lines (to me) as the TeleTubbies. Having said that, though, if you say “BoooooBaaaahhhh” in our house, our two year old’s head will immediately whip around to see the TV to see if the BoooBaaaahs are on.

    Punkin! Hey! WE have a PUNKIN! She’s 7 years old now… *sigh*

  • Separated at birth: George and Tom Cruise.

    Think about it. Never seen them at a party together.

  • Julie

    Blue Balls…I love it! I’m going to have to start calling BoohBah that.

    We do call both Boohbah and Baby Einstein Maddy’s Baby Crack…but we still let her watch them of course! We aren’t THOSE kind of parents! It just sucks now that she’s old enough to tell us what she wants and make a huge fuss when we don’t bow to her majesty’s every TV demand…mainly because we just can’t possibly watch those rainbow colored penises anymore!!! Or those very, very weird “story book people” who don’t talk, but wear strange clothes and smile way too much and too creepily, and push their “grandmama” and “grandpapa” off chairs or couches and down big hills (ok, ok, I work for an older adult organization), or jump up and down like a jack-n-the-box, and whose “brother” and “sister” story people hold hands and stare at each other just a bit too perversely…

    Anyway…if I was going to start over with the baby crack, I’d shoot for Sesame Street. At least there is a lot more variety and you might not get quite so tired of watching it for hours on end…

  • What a smoochariffic pic. And I love the George sighting. It’s like those Loch Ness Monster videos where the “creature” is all blurry in the background. Fun.

    Also, my second baby has been absolutely the easiest baby ever on earth. And I thought my first was good. I just say this to comfort and first-timers who are now petrified to have another baby.

    PS – My husband calls TC, Tom “Barely Not A Midget” Cruise. He is just jealous.

  • What the hell is Boobah? I have a 2 year old and I’ve never heard of it.

    I have to agree with whoever it was up there that said Baby Einstein, though. That crap is awesome. I was so disappointed when I heard I was supposed to watch it with him. 😛

  • We have three kids.

    Our first one was a breeze — moments after delivery we actually said “We’d do that again!” OUT LOUD.

    Our second was born 4-1/2 years later — we love her to pieces, but WOW, can she scream! A LOT. REALLY REALLY LOUDLY.

    So far, our third child (he’ll be 1 year old very soon) is a nice combination of his two older sisters. Easy-going like Punkin, and looks a lot like Sweet Pea.

    We decided to stop there, though. Why tempt fate, you know?

  • Wait… Tom Cruise IS GAY?!

  • Circus Kelli,

    Good eye. Boohbahs are from the producers of the Teletubbies.

    Those people must have some seriously strong drugs.

  • Wow, I can tell just from the picture that the woman could totally sell me Avon products.

  • Colleen from NJ–

    Actually, your exprience is what I’ve always heard: easy first child, devil second one. I just wonder if for Dooce’s sake, it would be reversed!!!

    And since our little monkey takes after his dad (nice, calm), I fully expect our second child to take after me (hellish, stubborn, won’t sleep, etc.).

    And yes, our little monkey is feeling better! Our house having an electrical fire was the bigger concern by the end of the week!

  • Marie

    I hear ya! I went from calling my kid “doodlebug” and “peepie” (wtf?), to “tardface.” (She’s 9 now). She responds to it and thinks it’s funny. I won’t be winning any mother-of-the-year awards any time soon…..c’est la vie!! And w/ the 13 y.o…yeah, I teach 14-15 y.o.s…..I want to call them “dumbass” and MUCH, MUCH more a LOT…..gotta stifle that urge too! 🙂

  • Paula

    So adorable!

    I see George too!

  • I have so say Grandma looks GREAT! You go Avon World Sales Leader! Leta is cute as always!

  • Reader

    I was looking over your newsletters to your daughter. Beautiful. Really- great idea! I never saw your pics before-you had gorgeous blonde hair! Did it get too hard to manage? I am a natual dark blonde who lightens her hair and is getting pretty tired of the whole root situation-am tempted to go dark again. But- you looked awesome with blonde hair!

  • Sam

    The Avon World Sales Leader looks like she’s sizing Leta up already for “products”…

  • one of mina’s pet names is punkinpie! others include (but are not limited to): minakin skywalker, chunk, chunklet, nugget (“nug” for short), minasaurus rex, and of course the family favorite, sweetney.

    i plan on using all of the above up through high school graduation, both in public and private, and — most importantly — in front of any potential suitors who might surface along the way.

  • You know Grandma is trying to figure what shade of lipstick would look best on Leta.

    Why oh why did you have to tell me Tom was gay? Maybe he is just Bi-curious…OK.

  • Umm yeah, I had no clue clicking on names would open a whole world of blogdom. Weeeeeeeeeeeeee. Me first me first!

  • Your mom looks like one of those women that smells absolutely marvelous. Even after she leaves a room, you can still smell her perfume and all you do is go, “Mmmmmm…”

    My mom is one of those women. When I try to wear my mother’s perfume, I just stink.

  • Mrs. Stray – Your blog is great. Did you win big? (I love that you start with “money issues” and end with “gonna win big” haha)
    Once all the group of 6 of us had was $10 to get back home (northern ca) from Reno (and no gas!) So I played a little black jack and got us enough to fill the tank and have breakfast. Gambling’s grand. lol

  • Gramma is actually thinking pre-lipstick.

    “Hmmm. Maybe she is a Summer. No, a Spring. Perhaps I should do a ColorMatch session just to be sure…”

  • I also checked out (having never heard of Boohbah). What a FREAK SHOW!

    Leta is a doll and she’s getting so big!

  • jm

    Someday, Leta will inherit that Pig being, ah, “real friendly” with the Peppermint Stick. And someone will have to explain that to her.

    “Um, Honey, when a Pig and Hard Candy love each other very VERY much….”

  • Justa Thought…

    It’s a sad state of affairs when you have to type “sealed bag…
    and “…with a child-proof lid” in posts about your young child, as if you would be so dumb to give her anything dangerous. Gotta cover yourself these days – no tellin’ who’s reading your site!!!

  • Tracy

    That’s the grin of a girl who knows that when she hits her teens she will be TOTALLY hooked-up for beauty products.

  • Damn, she is getting big!

    Can you imagine when she starts school?

    Leta: “Mom, do you think the internet would like me to wear this shirt or this one?”
    Heather: “They like you in horsey shoes. Leta, please put on some socks.”
    Leta: “Okay, tell Johnny Fever and the Fishes that I said Hi!”

  • hee hee, I wrote horsey shoes.

    I was telling my daughters to get shoes on for school (we leave in 4 minutes) and was typing at the same time.

  • The toy industry is evil. Their goal is for us gullible types to spend thousands of dollars on A TON of plastic items that light up and talk or sing to our babies when really all babies want are boxes. Or bottles. Or bags. Or kitchen utensils (my niece LOVED pots and pans). Or anything BUT toys. And yet, we haven’t learned.

  • It’s amazing to me that people invent stories about blubbery colored characters that barely speak, make EXTREMELY low budget shows about them and make MILLIONS of dollars of of it.

  • victoria

    Your mom is gorgeous.

  • I’m surprised that so many of you didn’t know that T.C. is a MAN’S MAN in every single sense of the word. Dooce, I actually had a very pleasant conversation with Kelly McGillis when I went to Key West 2 yrs. ago. She owns a restaurant down there, and she checks up on it sometimes. Very nice lady. i wish I’d remembered to ask waht it was like kissing a gay man.

  • patti

    ew. I would take the Wiggles over Boohbah any day. I only saw Boohbah once and I was going insane from mind-numbness. At least the Wiggles encourage interaction and teach songs from cultures around the world!

  • there go my ovaries again.

  • beachgal

    Good one, Jimbo….but tugs or no tugs at the ovaries, I’m done with ONE!

  • my punkin is watching Boobah RIGHT NOW so I can smurf me some blogs.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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