An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

She knows how to speed dial

  • I actually had the pleasure of watching Boohbah last night before bed. I thought the Telletubbies were bad! Something MUST be done about Boohbah.

  • that grin is manic. too cute!

  • get used to it. in about 13 years you won’t get that thing back.

  • Gosh, she is smashing. Call Me Leta, call me..

  • Watch out for those random calls to Japan! Those can be pricey 😉

  • Girl, you have some nice textiles.

    BTW, Fish has posted guppy’s birth story…finally:

  • amit

    WOW, i did not realize that this was such a popular blog, there are like hundreds of comments already, it’s craaaaaaaazy…congrats on the success

  • A kid with a phone is cute. I bought my niece a toy cellphone when she was a infant and it was probably the cutest thing ever

  • My husband gave his old cellphone to a three-year-old friend of ours, and apparently he’s been getting a lot of calls from Batman.

    And Batman likes to call during dinner. How rude.

  • That photo up front of the Kewpie Doll with the shampoo ‘do is HYSTERICAL.

  • happy to live in one of the blue states

    here’s the thing: if you keep explaining and teaching and letting her know why, she will want you to keep doing it, and explain the rationale behind the rules, again and again, even when she is 27. or 7. and it will drive you crazy. You will never get to say “because I said so” with it having any true weight.
    It will also make it possible for her to question authority (I don’t want to be a mormon!), to find her own answers (I thnk we should try another way), it will make her strong enough to stand up to her peers (No, I don’t think running across the railroad tracks is very smart), and make her smarter, more intelligent, more wise, more wonderful, and give her more sparkle, than if she just had to blindly follow someone else’s path. She will turn into the leader and citizen and person she is meant to be.

  • Good *god*, the second photo of Leta in the sink is just adorable.

    She’s beautiful.

  • Lisa

    So cute! hehehehe.
    As for the long drawn out SHUTTT UPPPP! in the car, don’t feel bad I find it is a very effective tool to stopping the screams. It doesn’t scare my one year old just distracts her into silence and then giggles. Nice to know she finds it funny, wonder what she will be like aas a teenager…………

  • My uterus is screaming, ovaries are twitching, and my heart is melting. I get it already! I have to get me one of those!

  • hey… I kept getting hang up calls yesterday…
    take that phone away!

  • i’m all about no real toys. i let my baby play with knives and she’s totally happy. i’ll have to remember the phone thing, though. especially on the days the knives are all covered in blood.

  • Shut Up is perfectly fine. Just yesterday, I asked my girlfriend if I was horrible for wanting to tell my 13 month old to Shut the Fuck Up. She said no.

  • happy to live in one of the blue states said at 09:11AM, 12.07.2004:

    Happy — you are right about that. The more you explain, the more they WANT you to explain… and just wait until the “Why Mommy?” phase. (I can go from explanation to “just because!” in about three “Why?s”)

    Although… there are times when NO! is the only thing that will come out fast enough and keep them from harm.

    I love what you said about “explanations” giving Leta more sparkle! I don’t know if the world is ready for Leta to have more sparkle then she does now.

    One of the perogatives of parenthood, is the “first name and second name” attention getter. “Kelli Jean!” used to stop me in my tracks when I was little.

  • “Stay away! Or so help me God, I’ll call child protective services right now! Speed dial number 3!”

  • LeChico

    EQUALITY??!?!?!?! forget pregnancy.. what abt PMS, periods, cramps, bloating, back aches and everythg that GO WITH BEING A WOMAN?!

  • JP

    Happy 10 Month Birthday, Leta!!!

    I wonder what it will be like for her when she grows to learn that SO MANY people out on this big thing called the internet LOVE watching her grow up. What a special and loved little girl with fabulous parents.

  • LeChico

    oopes… that should be GOES WITH BEING A WOMAN (got a little carried away with all the emotion)

  • JP

    Also…I LOVE the idea of the Letters to Leta…I should’ve started that 7 years ago with my daughter(s)!! They’re beautiful.

  • You should teach her how to order pizza. Then you can tell her cool stories when she’s older about how she would use the speed dial and order pizza when mommy wasn’t looking, and how, 30 to 45 minutes later, there would be a pizza delivery guy, or two, or three, knocking feverishly on mommy’s door.

  • I thought screaming “Shut Up” was a smart mom did it to me all the way up until–ok she still does it. Leta’s cuteness is blinding, though you can tell she has that twinkle in her eye that says “I swear to god woman, if you even THINK about taking this phone away from me I will scream until glass shatters”.

  • She does have a bit of an evil gleam in her eye. But in a good way.

  • Leah

    In the U.N. Convention on the Law of the Sea, the ocean floor in parts of the sea beyond national jurisdiction is referred to over and over as “The Area.” It makes me laugh every time I read it (which is seldom these days).

    Leta gets cuter every month.

  • Melanie S

    Cure for baby fever:

    Read Today’s Post!

    I would suggest ripping off his balls and stapling them to his forehead. That might help him understand the ripping of the vagina. Men are the devil!


  • I don’t know how you manage to capture her so amazingly that my heart skips a beat and I melt. She’s beautiful and soulful.

  • Yay Fish!

    You know Heather, if you don’t want to have another kid, there are other ways to prevent it…that is, than assualting husbando’s special arrangement every few weeks…


  • “special arrangement” Tee-hee. I love it.

  • Yeah, between “husbando’s special arrangement” and “infecting me with your sperm”, there are some pretty awesome phrases being coined today.

    Me? I got nothin’.

  • Dooce, I would just like to comment on how much I love looking at your thumbnails for the Daily Photos. They give the full photo a whole new perspective. It’s very artistic.

  • Kahli

    re: the 10 month letter.

    Wow,wow, wow… such nice things exist in this world. Pretty great.Thank you for sharing.

  • discopitbull

    My spawn would scream for the entire two hour drive from Nana’s to our house, they hated the car seats, they hated restraint, they hated the monotony and apparently the only relief for them was one non-stop piercing shriek. This didn’t stop until they were each around TWO YEARS OLD! By that point they were able to shriek angry words along with the primal scream. I resorted to turning the car stereo up to drown them out, they get tired and pass out eventually.

  • “Infect me with his sperm.” I spit my coffee out.

  • Melanie S.: “ripping off his balls and stapling them to his forehead.”

    *Fish gets up, slowly backs out of the room.*

    p.s. Hi Amanda B!

  • Uh… I keep picking up my phone to hearing ceaseless screaming on the other end followed by maniacal squealing laughter. I mean, it’s cool and all, anything to keep the kid happy and give her a new outlet for her squeals, but can you get her to ring up the moviefone hotline, or maybe my ex? Thanks.

  • Carol

    LeChico – Equality?? don’t forget grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.

    Hilarious post, Dooce.

    Congrats, Fish!

  • p-hawk

    Your husbando used an injudicious phrase. The thing about pain in the male Area is that there is pain, which isn’t that bad actually, but then there is this Other Feeling. And that Other Feeling, which is both totally like and totally unlike nausea, is the worst feeling that I have ever felt ever in my entire life ever. I have come to terms with my depression, but I cannot come to terms with the Other Feeling.

  • I FEAR Leta as a 16 year old! 😀


  • Sara

    How sad am I that I know that Leta’s shirt is from Gymboree’s Fox Trot line? Yep, pretty sad. I blame it on my new obsession with Grace’s clothes. I used to have some great clothes, but these days I could give a shit less if I look like a homeless woman as long as the baby looks pretty. 🙂

  • God I totally wanna clone your baby! She has got the most beautiful thick eyelashes!
    I’ve never seen a baby girl look so much like her father in my life! You could put this child and your husband in a room with 1001 other men and be able to pick out the Daddy easily!

  • You know, Dooce .. I was almost looking forward to procreating, and then that whole bit about stitches in my hoo-hoo, ripping them apart from taking craps, and the nipples? This girl is looking towards adoption now.

  • Carol

    So I’m putting my 1.5 year old down for a nap. But first I have to change a poopy diaper. The overgrown little maniac was SCREAMING and crying and kicking me (hard) and getting poop everywhere. So, you know what I did? I said in a very nurturing and motherly way, “SHHHUUUUUUDUUUUUUPPP! Take your nappy. Mommy loves you.”

  • Carol

    p.s. I like how the photo icon-or whatever-it’s-called-in-the-corner looks like Bob Dylan in concert.

  • See? Now aren’t you GLAD to have been “infected with his sperm”?

  • Speed dial? My 15 mo old girl just hits redial and calls people up. She babbles away till I realize she has the phone and a captive audience and take it away and apologize profusely for once again leaving the phone within her reach.

    She’s a screamer too. What’s worse than one screamer? Two screamers. And I have them. Twin screamers. Twins who have discovered the sounds of their voices and use them to scream just for fun. Loudly. And often.

    If you have anyone you want to seek revenge on, call me. We’ll take the screaming trio and hit them with a verbal assault so horrendous, they’ll claw at their faces or rip their ears from their skulls.

    I’m just across town, so let me know. HAHAHA Ahhhh The fun we could have! Sockless screaming babies!

  • gardenia

    So cute! And I love her top.

  • Oh my wait til she is a teenager and he hand actually cramps in the shape of holding the receiver

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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