the smell of my desperation has become a stench

She knows how to speed dial

  • Stephanie

    2004/12/07 at 9:47 am

    Why is it that they would rather play with the things that are YOURS than the things that are THEIRS?

  • Colleen from NJ

    2004/12/07 at 9:53 am

    Re: Equality
    You failed to mention the cumulative effect of heartburn, inability to breathe, inability to sleep for nights on end, abstinence of any alcohol and/or drug that may ease the suffering, the hormonal surges that reduce one to tears even while watching the Spongebob movie…

    oo, I’ve revealed too much.

  • Dr. Johnny Fever

    2004/12/07 at 9:55 am

    While you make a number of good points, I still have to agree with Jon: getting hit in the giblets hurts more than you can ever know. My wife has had two children and I saw first-hand how much that hurt. But I don’t recall seeing her drop to the ground, clutch her crotch, speaking with a voice that had elevated by numerous octaves or walk in such a way thereafter that it appeared that she had a month’s worth of shit it her pants. Those are all symptoms of post-foot-in-the-balls disorder (PFBD).

    Sorry, I can’t compete with the clogged milk ducts comment without turning this into a porn site in one fell swoop.

  • Carol

    2004/12/07 at 9:58 am

    I once knew a guy who got kicked in the balls so hard that one of his balls got mad, shriveled up, and just went away. Seriously.

    I think he worked part-time as a Santa : )

  • Colleen from NJ

    2004/12/07 at 10:04 am

    True that, Dr. JF. I shall not belittle the pain of injured cajones. I am an RN and work in the OR, and I have 2 words men should never want to hear: testicular torsion.
    Nasty to see, too.

  • Molly

    2004/12/07 at 10:11 am

    Carol- Had a friend in high school that had a similar thing happen. He was kicked in the nads and one of the danglers twisted. He had to have it surgically UNtwisted.. ouch..

  • donna

    2004/12/07 at 10:15 am

    beware of long distance charges showing up on your bill. You KNOW she’s calling Japan.

  • eco2geek

    2004/12/07 at 10:25 am

    I hope you don’t have 911 on your speed dial. Not that it matters; babies seem to have a knack for dialling it one way or the other.

  • Sheryl

    2004/12/07 at 10:30 am

    The thumbnail of the photo reminded me of the brow and nose of a tiki god.

    Or a ceramic replica of a tiki god. Without the peppermint stick up its ass. Or perhaps Stonehenge.

    My brother once told me, having been through two births with his wife (12 lbs and 13.5 lbs, au naturale), that a really hard blast to the nuts was as painful as birth and the surgery and all, it was just that the pain was condensed into about 5 minutes. Barring permanent damage, that is.

  • tiffany

    2004/12/07 at 10:31 am

    Are you aware that you should be shamelessly promoting yourself for Best Essayist of the 2004 weblog awards? You are in fourth place…it is a travesty.

    one can vote at

  • Kristine

    2004/12/07 at 10:35 am

    Loved the letter. I have three girls, all past the screaming backseat phase. NOW it has moved to the screaming from the bedroom phase. 11 years old, “LIFE IS SO UNFAIR! EVERYONE IS SO MEAN..”
    I…come out of a dead sleep and yell so loud my throat is still jacked up…”OH SHUT THE HELL UP AND GET YOUR ASS READY FOR SCHOOL!”
    Yeah, I put the big words in there. It worked though. She’s going to come after me when she’s like 16 though if I try that with her.
    I have the picture of her when she’s 2 years old taking a poop on the toilet. I am going to use that as some sort of blackmail to get her to be nice to me though.

  • Heather

    2004/12/07 at 10:39 am

    Equality = ouch. My sons are both adopted so thanks for giving me something to look forward to. lol. The mini-pic looks like a mans face.

  • stella

    2004/12/07 at 10:44 am

    dude, I just voted for her as best essayist blog. She’s currently at 4% I said 4 PERCENT. That is wrong, WRONG I tell you. Yall need to get up and get over there and cast your vote.

  • Anne

    2004/12/07 at 10:53 am

    I think Fish should stop commenting, haul his ass back to his own blog and give us all the eagerly-anticipated details of Everett’s birth. Hint, hint.


  • Anne

    2004/12/07 at 10:55 am

    Okay Fish. You can continue commenting. I’m about to go read the birth story. Hooray!

  • Super Turtle Girl

    2004/12/07 at 10:57 am

    the POWER Leta…you have the POWER. All you need to do is read those numbers off her credit card and you can get any damn thing you want.

  • lulu cornichon

    2004/12/07 at 11:01 am

    Okay, okay! I voted already! (thanks for the heads up, Stella and Tiffany) was at 4.9% when I voted–come on, legions of Dooce-aholics! We can do better!

  • Tracy

    2004/12/07 at 11:03 am

    Between her phone fetish and never being taught the meaning of the word, “No”, that girl clearly has a stellar career awaiting her in the telemarketing industry.

  • Leon

    2004/12/07 at 11:09 am

    Let me see if I have this correctly;

    1. Leta screams bloody murder when she doesn’t get her way
    2. Leta does not know the meaning of the word “No”
    3. Leta is maniacally obsessed with the phone

    Am I missing anything?

    Dooce…DJ Blurb…even Chuck
    …..good times ahead…..good times

  • Heather

    2004/12/07 at 11:13 am


  • beachgall

    2004/12/07 at 11:16 am

    Not only do we need to vote now, we need to vote EVERY DAY! We need to move Dooce up!!!!!

  • Carol

    2004/12/07 at 11:19 am

    I was looking around the weblog awards (who knew there were so many geeks out there?) and voted. But I can’t understand why Dooce is not in the Best Design category. Are there rules against being in more that one category? Does someone special nominate them?

  • Heather

    2004/12/07 at 11:19 am

    What is it that they win?

  • Molly

    2004/12/07 at 11:23 am

    I looked at the leading sites for the Essay category, and their site is nowhere near the quality of Dooce’s I tried to read the site, but I just couldn’t find them interesting.. Just not topics I am interested in I guess.. Obviously the guy on top is cheating.. 😉

  • lulu cornichon

    2004/12/07 at 11:23 am

    Not only should y’all vote out of blind loyalty to Dooce (which is what I did, I’ll admit), but also because (as I learned doing some post-vote browsing) the other contenders are Booooooring. Insightful and sensitive also, perhaps, but Reeeally, Reeeeally Booooring.

    So vote for honesty and humor and pain and love and CHEEKS! Go Dooce!

    vote here:

    Best Essayist category
    you can vote once every day.

  • Kristine

    2004/12/07 at 11:26 am

    I went to one blog to see what the hype was about and my computer crashed.

    Dooce – crash free reading.

  • Kristine

    2004/12/07 at 11:30 am

    AND one other thing.
    Leta’s picture is SO damn cute people actually didn’t say, “FIRST” or “AM I FIRST?” they were so transfixed with the cuteness they forgot the obsession with being first.

  • Torph

    2004/12/07 at 11:30 am

    I remember as a five or six year old spending the morning making crank calls on the phone. Such orginal one’s like “Is your refrigerator running…Then you better go catch it” (what do you want I was 6) Anyway my mom caught me just as our phone started to ring. She told me it was probably the cops on the other end and that they would drag me to jail unless I told her I would never do it again. I begged her not to answer the phone (which she didn’t) after that I never, ever make those kind of phone calls again…….Smart mom!

  • Melynda

    2004/12/07 at 11:36 am

    She’s a precious little bug! Thank you for sharing her cuteness with us! 🙂

  • Mrs.Stray

    2004/12/07 at 11:52 am

    Yeah~~What doe sshe win? I hope its a really geeky watch.

  • Torph

    2004/12/07 at 12:01 pm

    I just went to the to vote as suggested (I didn’t even know it existed)I can’t believe you’re not #1. All the others are such boring crap.

  • Girl.A

    2004/12/07 at 12:04 pm

    From the Good Experience newsletter:
    The 25 weirdest things you can buy on (like 9,000 ladybugs)

    My favorite: Item #2
    Solid Gold S.E.P.
    (S.E.P.= Stop Eating Poop)

  • Jennifer

    2004/12/07 at 12:07 pm

    MY GREG IS ALL ABOUT TEH PHONE ops caps, i swear they stalk teh phone until your not looking then bam i’m dialing 911

  • A N N A

    2004/12/07 at 12:14 pm

    i voted for Dooce!


    lovelovelove this picture. 🙂

  • Claude

    2004/12/07 at 12:19 pm

    My version of “Just Shut Up and Do It”:
    “Because the words came out of my mouth and reached your ears.”

    Of course, now I just have to say “Because the words…” and I get a tired rejoinder, “went out of your mouth and reached my ears.”

    Dooce at 5.5% and gaining on the rest of the pack…

  • Claude

    2004/12/07 at 12:20 pm

    erm…don’t know why that turned into a link. Apologies for anyone who might have been confused.

  • tom

    2004/12/07 at 12:20 pm

    |L|E|T|A| My Anti-Drug

  • Calli

    2004/12/07 at 12:42 pm

    In 15 years, that thing is going to kill you financially. Looks like the phone bills are gonna be huge.

  • ella's ma

    2004/12/07 at 1:14 pm

    My daughter hits her own nose when she’s mad. How that makes her feel better, I don’t know. I, too, do the top of the lungs “SHUUUUUUUUUUUT UUUUP!” while driving. I always instatly feel like a failure as a mother. Ella usually laughs at me when I do it, which never fails to make my heart smile.

  • Colleen from NJ

    2004/12/07 at 1:24 pm

    I voted. Dooce now at 5.8% COME ON PEOPLE.

  • Maggie

    2004/12/07 at 1:53 pm

    We’re at 5.9% now! VOTEVOTEVOTE! Those other blogs? Suckage.

  • Emily

    2004/12/07 at 2:05 pm

    The voting validation is set up to use cookies, I think.

    Translation: one vote per PC, not one vote per person. So it’s not so bad if some folks vote from different PCs, esp those families who only have one PC but more than one person who loves the Dooce.

  • Shelly Rae

    2004/12/07 at 2:09 pm

    Ahh! That explains the message on my answering machine!

  • lulu cornichon

    2004/12/07 at 2:16 pm

    Six percent! Woo hoo!

    Vote if you haven’t!

  • honestyrain

    2004/12/07 at 2:23 pm

    why is it that even though i click on YES this commenter thingy majiggy doesn’t ever remember me?

    2. i don’t think it’s nice to kick a guy in the boy bits

    3. it’s cold here

    4. i don’t like cold

    5. boy bits don’t like cold either

  • aic

    2004/12/07 at 2:27 pm

    If Jon made you drink 2 and 1/3 beers, 4 double bourbons, 1 tequila shot , 2 ouzo shots and a burrito all on the same night you might be able share HIS pain. Oh, but wait, he did that to himself.

  • Rebekah

    2004/12/07 at 2:28 pm

    OK 6.1% now VOTE OR DIE

  • Kimberly

    2004/12/07 at 2:34 pm

    I think I’m in the teeny minority who reads the newsletters and thinks, “I’m never going to be cut out for motherhood.” But almost every truthful mom blog is like that… frontloaded with all of the troubles, and then ends with one sentence or paragraph saying, “oh, but it’s worth it!”

    Leta’s beautiful, and the kewpiedoll hair pic is perfect, but stitches that break when you crap? Oh my God! Oh. My. God. Maybe I’ll stick with my dog and cats.

    (Dooce is cool, but I have to defend Lileks too…his site is fantastic and his nightly bleats are extremely well-written.)

  • diane

    2004/12/07 at 2:42 pm

    Dude, she is TOTALLY calling Santa.
    Uh, Santa? Ask Mama about the public screaming thing.

  • debbie

    2004/12/07 at 2:48 pm

    i just have to say thank you for the thigh photo! so chubby and smooshable! cute little leta.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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