the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Scrumptious Bearded Armstrong

  • Summons

    2004/12/09 at 8:08 am

    Amanda B,
    Papers have been filed against you.
    A Federal Case will be made of your transgression against society.

  • Swollenfinger

    2004/12/09 at 8:09 am

    Carol, Paris Hilton is a blurbomat whore.

  • Carol

    2004/12/09 at 8:12 am

    Oh, she’s way more that a Blurbomat whore. She’s everyone’s whore. Including my husbands!! : )

    Jermagesty… you’ve got to be kidding!!!

  • carissa

    2004/12/09 at 8:13 am

    mmm, i love it when bearded men kiss you on the forehead,and you get that nice pillow of hair in your eyes.


  • Monica

    2004/12/09 at 8:14 am

    DOOCE – I thought you might like this t-shirt. Maybe it should be your mantra…

  • arielle

    2004/12/09 at 8:17 am

    seriously, dooce. you’re not that old.
    i’m 21, and can remember when all the phones in my house had cords.
    i long for them a bit, sometimes. there’s one phone in my parent’s house that still has a cord and a rotary dial. i use it whenever i’m there..
    as for my college house: we don’t even have a land line. all 7 of us have cell phones.

  • Elegant Goose

    2004/12/09 at 8:19 am

    I, for one, find facial hair oh-so-hot as long as it’s filled in well and not all straggly-like. I actually got a boyfriend *in college* to grow a full beard. Mmmmm-mmmm-mmmmm

    Also – I don’t mind the am I first comments- I think it is a bit silly that the first four or five usually think they’re first. Everyone’s gonna set their alarms all early to be #1. Whatever. Who cares if people want to be first? This is s’posed to be a bitch-free zone unless you’re bitching about the ENTIRE GODDAMNED BUSH ADMINISTRATION, unsolicited advice people, the pains of childbirth, postpartum depression, constipation, and/or getting punched in the balls.

    RE: Civil Action No. 69-BJ-666-UTI
    Sheryl totally wins the funniest post of the day award.

    Keep the off-the-topic comments coming! (I love reading all the random-ass stuff everyone writes because I check this damn website like four times a day [can we say additive personality?] and Dooce doesn’t post that many times, so reading all your guys’ stuff makes up for it!)

  • Gretchen C.

    2004/12/09 at 8:21 am

    He’s totally hot.

    Seriously, what up with this “first” thing? People do that in Dave Barry’s comments, too. (Okay, I confess, I once did it there myself.)

  • GMM

    2004/12/09 at 8:21 am

    I agree with Susan at 7:12am- I love how you love your hubby. I just got engaged recently and I hope that my future hubby and I keep loving each other like you two do. MORE LETA PICS!! (Maybe a whole family pic?)

  • kim from overseas

    2004/12/09 at 8:25 am

    susie (#17) – i love that recipe. made me totally laugh. and have a headache just thinking about it.. posted it on my site, hopefully that’s okay..

  • Amanda B.

    2004/12/09 at 8:27 am

    Jermajesty. I shit you not.

    I am naming my first born Jomama.

    Try and stop me.

  • lulu cornichon

    2004/12/09 at 8:31 am


  • Sheryl

    2004/12/09 at 8:35 am

    I am thinking about naming a kid Chewtalkinboutwillis.

  • lena

    2004/12/09 at 8:35 am

    i love how much you love jon and how much he loves you.

    also, i want to be friends with your baby sitter. maybe she’ll teach me how to text message and how to ignore the jackasses in my life.

  • Mrs.Stray

    2004/12/09 at 8:39 am

    Ok is it wrong that my first thought was look at the nice wood around the windows? I have a man, and a tree and a baby and even a freaking dog (bad dog). I don’t have nice trim.

    I mean I paint my room and I have roller marks all on the ceiling, and I don’t plan to paint the ceiling. Hell I don’t even plan to paint the trim if you can’t see it.

    I *do* however plan to leave the extra paint for the next person who lives here, just in case they put thier furniture in a different position.

    Oh and my gay friends says that “gay is ok” when I say things are gay. And he is right, right.

  • dahl

    2004/12/09 at 8:39 am

    ok, so is it just me, or does jon totally look like jason lee, a la almost famous?

  • Sheryl

    2004/12/09 at 8:41 am

    Big Gay Sam, the grrr was very tolerant of you. I had to go see what it was about.

    (Not assuming I know what Dooce thinks about the subject)

    As a sister to a lesbian whose married with kids, and an aunt to an extremely good-looking and cocky 19 year old boy, I wish it wasn’t fashionable among the youngsters
    a. to call things they disdain “Gay”.
    b. to promote bisexuality as a way to prove you are cool, worldly and interesting.

  • U.B.

    2004/12/09 at 8:44 am

    Are you buying him a comb for Christmas?

    Re: Paris – Did any of you see South Park last week? Episode was “Stupid, Spoiled Whore” featuring Paris. Way funny.

  • Fish

    2004/12/09 at 8:45 am

    My wife’s dad wanted to name her “Yolanda.”

  • Lina

    2004/12/09 at 8:47 am

    Here’s an idea: how about a contest for scatological euphemisms?

    My two favorites are “Dropping a trout” and “Dropping some kids off at the pool.” The second is especially flexible, e.g. “Don’t you hate it when you’re trying to drop the kids off at the pool, and one of them won’t get out of the car?”

    See? SO MUCH FUN!

  • alice

    2004/12/09 at 8:48 am

    Dahl, he does look like Jason Lee! The very same Jason Lee who named his child Pilot Inspektor.

    Just awesome.

  • Anne

    2004/12/09 at 8:49 am

    U.B. – I think Jon actually HAD A FIGHT WITH A COMB … and the comb lost.

  • Carol

    2004/12/09 at 8:49 am

    Is it OK to serve a 1.5 year old pepperoni pizza and then send him off to jump in big-ass blown up jumpy things? It is? Great.

    I named my first born Heywood Jablomy.

  • Ellewiz

    2004/12/09 at 8:51 am

    My DF does NOT look good with a beard. There exists only one photo of him in the Bearded Time, and it is not spoken of in polite company. But his face is soft, smooth, and eminently smoochable.

  • JulieT

    2004/12/09 at 8:51 am

    One of these days, I’m going to be LAST!!!

  • moose

    2004/12/09 at 8:54 am

    Julie T, not yet. Ha.

    Sheryl, I’m with you.

  • Fish

    2004/12/09 at 9:13 am

    Lina: I like “filling the bowl.” Simple, yet effective.

    Or maybe: “deploying the troops.” That one doubles as sexual innuendo as well.

  • Fish

    2004/12/09 at 9:15 am

    Carol, a.k.a. Bart Simpson.

  • Venus Man Trap

    2004/12/09 at 9:17 am

    “Heather, where did you hide Leta’s comb?!”

  • Cate

    2004/12/09 at 9:19 am

    Here’s a scatological euphemism for ya:

    “Sending a present to Frodo.”

    My boss likes to mock me. And yes, I am a total nerd girl about Lord of the Rings. (Whoa! Not that nerdy. I do not, have not, and will not ever dress up in costume and attend a convention. I reserve such fannish behavior for Star Wars, thank you very much.)

    Anyway…Frodo sailing to the Undying Lands at the end of Return of the King somehow became a “watch out! I have urgent need of a toilet” joke to my poop-brained (but otherwise very nice) boss.

  • Nobody

    2004/12/09 at 9:20 am

    “Oh wwhheeeere — is my hairbrush?/
    Oh, wwhheeeeere — is my hairbrush?/
    Oh where, oh where, oh where, oh WWHHEEERE — is my hairbrush?”

    You’ll get it in a couple of years.

  • Fish

    2004/12/09 at 9:21 am

    Cate: Just as long as the present isn’t Frodo-sized. Then you WOULD need Gandalf’s staff to float that sucker.

  • Sheryl

    2004/12/09 at 9:23 am

    *My precious*


  • Fish

    2004/12/09 at 9:28 am

    Sheryl: You’re right. “dumping a Gollum into the fiery pits of Mt. Doom” IS a much better euphamism. Of course, then you are referring to your toilet as Mt. Doom.

    Short version: “I gotta go drop a Gollum.”

    Or, “I just pinched a Smeagol.”

  • Girl.A

    2004/12/09 at 9:29 am

    I took your hairbrush because you have no hair.

    But, Nobody, are you implying that I stuck it where the sun don’t shine?

  • kristine

    2004/12/09 at 9:29 am

    question about the ‘gay’ comment.
    I have a million kids and they say, “That’s so gay.”, but when I asked them, “What do ‘mean’ when you say ‘gay'” they said, It means ‘not in style’ or ‘not cool or hip’.”
    I thought the gay community had the cornerstone on hip and cool. When did this turn around???
    My daughter said to me the other day, “Mom, don’t be gay about this.”
    I wanted to be gay! They have good eye when it comes to shoes and clothes and they know all the new cool music!
    I looked at her and I said, “I am SO gay right now, Kara. I am GAY and I am proud to be gay!”
    It was that point that the 14 year old boy walked in and said, “I hope you informed my father of this.”
    I didn’t miss a beat, “You’re father is gay too.”
    There is going to be some therapy sessions in my house soon.

  • Heather

    2004/12/09 at 9:30 am

    CLASSIC!!! Duh….

  • Caroline

    2004/12/09 at 9:34 am

    OMG I sooo totally want to be your babysitter. Like I would be so, like, totally perfect for the job. I’m, like, awesome with kids. And I totally have, like, that whole transportation thing down. Plus, I promise not to have any, like, friends over. Well, I mean, girl friends. My boyfriend is totally cool with kids too, so I might ask him to come over for, like, advice or something after the kids are asleep. And I totally love The Little Mermaid and, like, Cinderella, so I know I’ll totally get along with — what was her name? Like Lisa or something? — Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh, right. I can’t come on like, Friday or Saturday nights, because, you know, I totally have, like, *a life*, dur. But during the week is totally awesome. Except on like Mondays and Wednesdays because I have, like, cheerleading practice and stuff. So how much do I get an hour? And you might want to stock your fridge for, you know, Lisa. Because I totally don’t eat other people’s food. Do you have satellite? There’s, like, totally educational stuff on satellite.

  • LadyBug

    2004/12/09 at 9:34 am

    Nobody! I totally get that Veggietales reference. I loooooove me some Veggietales. Especially those goofy songs, like “My Cheeseburger” and “The Water Buffalo Song.”

    Everybody’s got a water buffalo.
    Yours is fast, but mine is slow.
    Oh, where’d we get them? I don’t know.
    But everybody’s got a water buffalooooooo.

    Oh, dear. I fear I may have over-shared.

  • Fish

    2004/12/09 at 9:36 am

    Ladybug, I’m withdrawing as your counsel.

  • Sarah

    2004/12/09 at 9:36 am

    Ok, the Veggietale stuff is freaking me out.

  • Sheryl

    2004/12/09 at 9:37 am

    “I gotta go drop a great green Gollum.”

    “I just pinched a sizzling Smeagol.”

  • Claude

    2004/12/09 at 9:37 am

    Jermajesty, if I recall correctly, isn’t really a new story. The kid is four years old. Not that it isn’t still kind of sad and weird. But what the heck: it shows some sense of humor. Beats the hell out of Phinneas (Julia Roberts, are you listening?)

    It was only a couple of months ago that someone contacted Bill O’Reilly’s radio program and identified himself as “Jack Mehoffer”, which O’Reilly pronounced as “May-hoffer.” Some people just don’t get it.

    For Carol’s benefit…

    Hugh: Hello, this is Hugh Jass.
    Bart: [surprised] Uh, hi.
    Hugh: Who’s this?
    Bart: Bart Simpson.
    Hugh: Well, what can I do for you, Bart?
    Bart: Uh, look, I’ll level with you, Mister. This is a crank call that sort of backfired, and I’d like to bail out right now.
    Hugh: All right. Better luck next time.

  • Carol

    2004/12/09 at 9:38 am

    Gotta go grow a tail.

    That one really grosses me out (and gags me with a spoon, fer sher). Courtesy of my harley-riding BIL.

  • Anne

    2004/12/09 at 9:38 am

    Ooh. Yes. Veggietale faux pas. Look away, people.

  • Mrs.Stray

    2004/12/09 at 9:38 am

    Speaking of over sharing..

    I introduced my husband to the phrase muff burger last night.

  • Carol

    2004/12/09 at 9:39 am

    Thank you Claude.

  • Euphemisms for Rectal Functions

    2004/12/09 at 9:40 am
  • Sheryl

    2004/12/09 at 9:42 am

    Park my breakfast.

  • LadyBug

    2004/12/09 at 9:43 am

    Fish, that makes me very sad, because, as you can tell now more than ever, _I totally needed that counseling._

    And, just for that, I’ll be sending your little guppy “Silly Songs with Larry”, “A Very Veggie Christmas”, AND “Larryboy: The Soundtrack.” HA!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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