An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

I know it’s a little late, but…

  • Linda

    Go Patriots!

  • Michelle

    Well, we haven’t exactly annexed the north pole, but as the US Navy DOES station a BALLISTIC MISSILE CARRYING SUBMARINE under the Pole at most times (and has done so since, like, 1960)…
    Santa must know who would shoot a trident missile up his ass if he chose to love the people OF FRANCE more than us fine Americans!

    HEE…Santa probably has Support Our Troops ribbons on his sleigh, too!

  • Santa looks totally and utterly bored. Let the man out once in a while.

  • the niffer

    I just had a very satisfying poop at work and thought of the anti-poop-at-work nazi. In your face Miss poopy pants!

  • La Pixiatrix

    Carol, the North Pole Comes and Goes.

    The yule log is eternal.

  • My mother also has a Santa like that–it’s representative of the decor in her house, Americana and gnome-like European Santas. It’s an odd mix.

  • K

    And here I thought Santa was a Canadian. Thank goodness I’ve been set straight…

  • We have to go by the “poopy Factory”(fecal processing plant) to get to our mall, and it gets my kids all excited.

    POOPY FACTORY!!! Hooray. My 3 yr will sometimes even ask if we will get to see it today.

  • pinkhulahoop

    I once went to a 4th of July parade and a local church had a float with Jesus on it. He was waving the U.S. flag and throwing candy for the kids. If Jesus is patriotic you know Santa had to be…now it’s certain.
    Do you suppose Santa voted for W too?

  • My dog is an At-Home-Only pooper.

    I shit you not! We take him for daily walks and he refuses to do his business. He won’t even tinkle…plus he pees like a girl. He will only poop in our backyard or occasionally in the middle of the living room floor.

  • Work poopers unite! Of course, I do try to take an air freshening spray in with me, since I don’t care to share my particular brand of odor with everyone, but that is just me. The cats living outside my office building don’t seem to care that I can smell their (shhuddderrr) smell…

  • That’s a charming little Patriotic Santa figurine.

    Go Santa!

  • midwifegoddessannie

    When you are a nurse you can fart in the pan room…. nobody would suspect a thing!

  • midwifegoddessannie, what is the pan room?

  • Of POOP! Santa too!

    After reading “Cray Us” this morning and the Dooce post from yesterday, I figured I had to post up about my cousin and a VERY unfortunate pooping story. Go read. Poop stories rule!

  • michael

    What Happens When I’m At WORK and I have to Poop?

    (scroll down)

  • tpaquin

    Internet Against Shit Camels

    Not only do the ladies I work with sit in the bathroom stalls while not peeing, God Forbid you hear the satisfying sounds of logs hitting the water, that would be something akin to the end of the world.
    Hey ladies sitting in the stall next to me, what do you think about me making all those sounds in the stall next to you?
    Take pleasure in the release for goodness sake. Break the code of silence, shit camels be gone!

  • I’m all for pooping at work so long as the proper air fresheners are involved. During the holidays the “Powers that Be” thought it would be festive to put cinnimon Glade in the restroom. Nothing like opening the door to piss and getting hit with a wall of cinnimon flavored shit odor.

  • q

    Yikes, now I remember why I broke up with that guy freshman year in college – visited his parents’ house over Christmas, saw the tree covered with flags and patriotic crap (and the kitchen filled with bunny knick-knacks) and ran away screaming. Yes, his parents live in SLC and are Mormon. So was I… Gawd, was it THAT long ago? 😉

  • That Santa scares me.

  • amalita

    i like to poop at work. in fact, my pooping schedule revolves around work and if i take a long weekend away, my system is totally whacked out and i can’t poop until i am back at work. everyone should poop freely, especially in target and barnes and noble.

  • When you are a nurse, you can ALWAYS blame the patients for your own dietary shouts from the nether regions…

    And, holy smokes, Santa was a high-school-stoner-flag-squad-dude?

    Amanda B., Santa’s got what you need.

  • midwifegoddessannie

    the PAN room is where you empty and clean the BEDPANS

  • I have pooped at work on occasion….. when ya gotta go, ya gotta go!

  • Shit camels, what a great term!

    I think someone stole santa’s reindeer and the only he can get them back is by waving around that flag. YOu can tell by the look on his face that he’s relaly not “feeling” it.

    Or maybe it’s just all those damn stripes that have him in some sort of seizure.

  • ~Ho, Ho, Ho and Santa is packing a flag~

  • Oh, good God midwifegoddessannie! I had no idea there was a specific room set aside for this task, but now that I know it exists…I’m glad it’s there.

  • he looks distressed.

  • God Bless the North Pole.

  • “And the rockets red glare, Santa flying through the air…”

  • Well that one isn’t too bad, not as scary as the freaky-ass manger scene from last month 🙂

  • Romy said at 07:53AM, 01.06.2005:
    yeah, father christmas = uncle sam. it’s all one big happy family

    Have YOU ever seen them in the same place at the same time?

  • Ms. Belle

    It looks like Santa’s decapitated head has been propped up on the American flag as a warning to all who pass…

  • To my knowledge neither Santa nor our Founding Fathers wore that stupid little misletoe/holly/berry-covered thingamajig in their headgear. Is that a Utah thing?

  • Mir

    Is Santa naked behind that flag? No, wait, I don’t wanna know. I need to go shower. Right now.

  • Polly

    I bet Santa’s a work pooper. That makes you wonder where he answers that call while delivering presents, though…I’m thinking he spends a bit of extra time down some chimneys. And who can blame him with all those cookies and milk to eat?

  • No he’s not! He’s not even american! 😉

  • Zach

    Santa hates our Freedom

  • Dr. Fever- the mistletoe? even Santa needs poon from time to time.

  • When I lived in Seattle, a friend came to visit from Vancouver. He was supposed to stay for a few days, but left after two because he had to poop. I swear to God, he couldn’t poop ANYWHERE but at home. I told him I’d leave the house for as long as it took, but he just shook his head. “It won’t come out unless I’m at home.”

  • anna jr.


    is it bad that i am more jealous of the multiple poops than i am of the fact that you can “climb the mountain” in less than 20 seconds?

    not that i don’t want to borrow your husband, but MULTIPLE POOPS???

    my god, you are a lucky woman.
    le sigh.

  • what the hell is that? that scares me too.

  • sceefy

    Okay, I’m insignificant and way down near the bottom of your comments list, but as a new reader, I just wanted to say that I bloody *love* your site. Already hooked!

  • RazDreams

    Santa looks like he’s hiding behind the flag, constipated and tryin’ to get the poop out.

    Or he just looks like a skinny John Goodman.

  • Do you think Santa really needs poon? I wonder what his sex face looks like. I mean, is he a lip biter or a moaner or the kind of guy who likes to have his beard pulled during “the Jolly Deed?” Poor Mrs. Claus must get crushed under the weight of the guy’s bowl full of jelly.

  • RazDreams

  • kate

    yes ANNA JR., tis true. i poop about 4 times a day. doctor says it’s nothing to worry about. also means when i’m constipated, i’m CONSTIPATED!

  • Johnny Fever – two words: Elf Porn.

  • RazDreams

    …nose spew… (thanks, Dr. Fever)

  • La Pixiatrix

    I guess I am mean.

    When my BF retires into the bathroom after his morning coffee sometimes I ask him, after waiting about 30 seconds “Is it coming out yet??” Just cause I know it will bother him.

    Also, if he comes in to pee while I am brushing my teeth, I think it is fair to stare at his tinkie winkie and ask “When is it going to come out??”

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

read more