An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation
  • and there’s this one: “…total lack of beauty aids sends the same message: low self-esteem or ignorance about what is appropriate.” AND a whole section on “Tattoo’s Deadly Little Secret.” Overall message: don’t get one. Hahahha.

    i should quit my job.

    okay, that’s all. i’ll stop with the unrequested, irrelevant information now.

  • Metro- you tell em. Some of us can go for 15-20 minutes without checking

    So there.

  • Seriously, is this view practically your backyard? Maybe someone’s already asked that, but I’m too lazy to look.







    SING IT!!!!


  • Golly, Melanie … gee whiz.

    *fish blushes*

  • Kristen from MA

    just wanted to share:

    sororities are CULTS! not unlike the mormons…

  • Ok, who here can “go” for 15-20 minutes?

  • cat

    Ooooh, perty…

  • Weez

    Zwieback, dog biscuit, what’s the difference? Have you tasted those things? THe dog biscuit might even feel good on Let’s gums. Go for it!

  • I belonged to a Sorority in College…I quit after a year of gossip, cat fights and a lot of bumping kitties (if you know what i mean 😉

  • GIRL.A 15-20 minutes of what?

  • I hate sorostitutes. Whores.

  • I once ran in place for fifteen or twenty minutes.

    Mebee that’s what Girl.A means

    Or houla hoops. Maybe that’s it.

  • Carol

    I was in a sorority and loved every minute of it. Maybe it wasn’t the typical experience, but where I went to college, we were friends with whomever we wanted to be friends with, regardless of sorority or not. Just sayin’.

    Melanie – I want a tongue kiss.

  • Cristin

    just wanted…..

    could it be possible that the magazine is a leftover prop from *The Stepford Wives* movie? please? I can’t believe that is a real magazine otherwise. Aren’t college students supposed to be smart? self-aware? or at least aiming themselves in the right direction?


  • Girl A.- let’s try 11.5 minutes…ready and wait…

    There is a sorority around here (will not name names) and in order to join the pledges have to march around campus and spank themselves with homemade paddles. It’s super duper.

    Ok- GO!

  • victoria

    “Bumping kitties”??? There’s nothing like the dooce comments page for making me feel clueless.

  • Ow, my bum is already tired. Wait, what does “go” mean?

  • If you didnt bump kitties in college then you werent in a sorority.

    Bumping kitties = rubbing the clams together = kissing the man in the canoe

  • jes

    “Thinking” never ceases to cause me to chuckle.

  • Ok, I can’t “go” anymore….

    KITTIE! You’re cracking my shit up!

  • cristin – i WISH it was a prop from the stepford wives. sheesh. i’m going to take it home and share it with others. and by “share” i mean that i’ll make fun of it in the company of others who can appreciate the humorous, albeit sad, very sad, nature of it.

  • Boys, you’re welcome for the kisses. Me likey the kisses!

    Girl A., my husband can go all night. Not that that has anything to do with Dooce.

    I can go at least 10 minutes without reading Dooce, sometimes.

  • Um, I dunno about that “kittie”. I new plenty of gals in college who had never even ummmm…double clicked their mouse. I doubt that they were involved in a lesbian love fest.

  • Tongue AND a spanking for Carol!


  • Carol

    OHhhh! Thanks. : )

  • Amanda, from what I hear, it takes a lot more clicks than two to access the metadata.

  • The Kitties always came out with my man Jack Daniels came to visit. That stuff is dangerous!

    This one time at band camp….

  • Yeah, don’t piss Carol off generalizing about sorority girls. There’s always an exception to every rule.

    Even the one that says you must eat pussy. The South is old school – those Cotillions are not Cooter Communions.

  • Did you know when packages get lost in Fedex, they’re sent to Salt Lake City?

  • I’m from the South. And yes, they are.

    But Carol, I’m sure your sorority was full of nice, purehearted girls who were in NO WAY lesbians or sluts. And they probably didn’t wear mini skirts to their 8:00 classes in 50 degree weather, either.

  • When I woke up this morning, I realized I may be reading Dooce too much lately.

    Last night, I had a dream about Heather doing some sort of television commercial advertisement for (of all things!) Hewlett Packard. I also dreamed I was on some sort of “insiders” tour of the whole Blurbodoocery, which was some sort of really large warehouse.

    My first thought, AFTER this ephiphany was “I need to stop by Dooce and post about that…”

    Closet Metro: Me thinks there is a fine line between “community” and “cult”. (of which I am gladly a member!)

  • MG2: you make me get all nostalgic and misty eyed. Hardly anyone dresses like that in court.

  • (50 degree weather translates to BUTT FUCKING COLD here in the South)

  • The Long Gisland girls who lived in private residence halls and took cabs to class used to dress like that in January in Madison. They were popular.

  • My Gram has a light that looks just like that thing that is sticking up there.

  • Yeah 50 degrees is not butt fucking weather. Muscles tend to tense up when you’re shivering. Unless you’re into that kind of thing.

  • Carol

    My sorority was not homogeneous. Some were girlie, some not. Some pretty, some not. Half southern, half northern. Mixed races. We were the “cool” sorority and did not play by the rules. There were some lesbians, but no bumping kitties in general. Basically, we didn’t give a fuck what people (other sororities) thought about us. I had the best time there.

  • Carol

    And if we were there right now, I’d rush all of you really hard! : )

  • I’m not sure that occasional drunken carpet munching qualifies one as a lesbian.

  • victoria

    Y’all ever read “In The Cut,” by Susannah Moore? Very, very good book — smart, beautifully written, suspenseful (MUCH MUCH better than the flick).

    Anyway, the lead character in “In The Cut” is a professor who’s compiling a dictionary of urban slang.

    Kittie, you’ve missed your calling. “rubbing the clams together,” “kissing the man in the canoe” — I’ve never heard these phrases until your comments and really, had no idea how impoverished my life was without them.

  • carol –

    do you mind me asking which sorority you belonged to? i’m flipping through all these sorority magazines and am curious to know…or, what’s the name of your sorority magazine?

  • So, tell me ’cause I’m completely serious here. What is the OVERALL advantage to being a part of a sorority/fraternity? I’m not talking about parties and what not…

    I don’t mean to offend… I really want to know.

  • Carol

    Just Wanted-
    Pi Beta Phi was the sorority – don’t know the name of the magazine.

    But each sorority is different at each college. For example, I think Pi Phi’s are pretty typical in Texas. They aren’t typical where I went.

  • Carol

    CK – the advantage is you get to hang out with your buddies (just like here). we all had other interests and friends, but it’s a place to check in with people you like (just like here).
    but you do lots of fun things together (we had a lot of open parties (other sororities invited), we had Friday lunch – you’d go to the house, eat a free meal, and laugh about the drunken stories fromt he night before. Also,if you lived off campus, it was a place to hang out in between classes. And we volunteered, too.

  • while Im at it lets go over all the terms used for girl on girl action…we got the bumping kitties, rubbing the clams and kissing the man in the canoe…but some more of my favorites are…

    Taco Dancing

    Parting the Pink Sea

    Tending to my Secret Garden

    Labia Round-up

  • I walked into the office yesterday to find my daughter standing IN the cat litter box with a handful of cat food.

  • Where’s that notepad …

    *Fish furiously taking notes*

  • My Brandon (who BTW is 1 day younger than your gorgeous Leta)loves the dag food more than his own. I am constantly trying to pry it out of his hands!

  • Amanda B. – “occasional drunken carpet munching” doesn’t make me a lesbian, does it?

    Fish – metadata. Ha! Funny fishie.

    MG#2 – I’m checking the weather forcast to see when it’ll be 50 degrees. It’s 0 degrees here, which, given my social standing, is NO FUCKING cold.

    Kittie – go on…

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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