An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

By the look on her face I don’t think she appreciated being photographed by a mere civilian

  • Man, and Fish, cannot live on bread alone.

    Gotta have some CHEESE to go with tha bread.

  • Big Gay Sam – we love you here.

    Fish – careful with the Bread hammer. You’ll wreck your lunch.

  • Dooce:

    I’ve been “lurking” on your site for a couple of months now. I just wanted to say that I really love your site and I appreciate all of your hard work in making happen. You are absolutely hilarious. I hope that the negative commenters don’t get you down.

  • *Amanda reels…trys to regain footing…room gets dark*

  • Galaxy

    is ray romano grinning in the background?

  • Cate

    Two years since I stopped going to church and a couple weeks ago someone from the ward called to see if I could meet with the bishop for a few minutes. Very cooly, I said “No.” What a liberating feeling! Here’s to recovering mormons everywhere! I raise my water bottle – I’m at work and it’s too early for cocktails – to us all!

  • Sarah

    Danger Park tips:
    1) Never reach into a dog fight.
    2) If you do need to intervene in a dog fight the best suggestion I heard was “stick your finger into the dog’s butt.” Supposedly this technique surprises them into submission!

    I prefer #1 – stay away.

  • Manda B: Now I’m gonna have to drop the hammer on your ass with some Bread:

    Yes, I’m lost with out your love.
    Life without you isn’t worth the trouble of.
    All I want is the way it used to be
    I need you here with me.
    Oh darling can’t you see,
    If we had love before we can have it back once more.

  • Hippy Chick

    Hippy Bath Day Mike!

  • carolina

    Happy birthday Mike!!!!!!

  • Waiting For A Girl Like You by Foreigner

    So long…
    I’ve been looking too hard I’ve been waiting too long
    Sometimes I don’t know what I will find
    I only know it’s a matter of time

    When you love someone
    When you love someone
    It feels so right so warm and true
    I need to know if you feel it too
    Maybe I’m wrong…
    Won’t you tell me if I’m coming on too strong
    This heart of mine has been hurt before
    This time I wanna be sure

    I’ve been waiting for a girl like you
    To come into my life
    I’ve been waiting for someone new
    To make me feel alive
    (Yeah) Waiting for a girl like you
    To come into my life

    You’re so good…
    When we make love it’s understood
    It’s more than a touch or words we say
    Only in dreams could it be this way

    When you love someone
    Yeah really love someone
    Now, I know it’s right
    From the moment I wake up till deep in the night
    There’s nowhere on earth that I’d rather be
    Than holding you, tenderly

    I’ve been waiting for a girl like you
    To come into my life
    I’ve been waiting for a girl like you
    And a love that will survive

  • carolina

    I’ve been reading dooce for about a year now and I have to say, I heart dooce too! It’s the first I read every morning. And d (#42) you’re so right. I would totally go through withdrawals at first because I was only reading it at work and not on the weekends. Then I found myself reading dooce on weekends, and then reading through ALL of the archives. I guess you could say I’m a total dooce-aholic. (I stole your word Circus Kelli #49) Thanks dooce for the great website!

    pissy britches (#122) – morning cup of dooce! that’s great, I want a mug with that.

    pajama mama (#143) – I would totally buy a shirt (or 5).

  • I dig your site and read it every day. Yeah yeah, typical first comment. Keep it up and shake the haters off. I had a bout with them on my blog when I first started and I found that it made me a better blogger in the long run. Keep up the good writing, congrats on the nomination and know that I voted for you!


  • Amanda B. — Seriously? He says, “If you’re not into Yoda”? YODA?? I’ve always thought it was “yoga.” Gotta Google now…

  • h

    Re: your church records and always being found, would your family disown you if you resigned from the church and had your records removed? is a good guide to having your records removed. That said, I can understand that it might just be easier to go along with constantly being “found” in order to please your family.

  • Dang Cold in Toronto

    Her and Jennifer Aniston are the same sex? A mug like that and she believes in God?? PUHLEEEESE!!!
    I swear that woman is part ape.

  • lynne

    Berenstain Bear!!! HELP! I can’t breathe. Jon, sure is a keeper, huh? He is so damn funny.
    Curiosity was killing the cat, but satisfaction has brought her back. Thanks. Agree about RC Cola….dooce and NRBQ…both in one place, I don’t think I can contain myself. Oh, the pure rapture.

  • My hubby used to be Mormon- I think you can ask em to remove your name from the rolls. He was dumped or excommunicated (long time ago, he forgot which) and at this point I don’t think they track him. (His big sin? Switching to a “regular” Christian church.)

    I could never live in Utah, no matter how friendly the people were. The LDS system freaks me out, man.

  • Hi Dooce! I just dropped by to lend my support and to say… my hate mail is worse than yours.. nyah nyah nyah!!

    At least you aren’t called “a virus that needs to be destroyed.” or “the reason American society is failing.” or my personal favorite, “the reason for A.I.D.S.”

    “The opinions of worthless people are worthless.”

    Make that your daily mantra. :op

  • Poor Other Heather!

  • Heather, you totally rock; I love your site. I sent your link to my dyed-in-the-wool-Southern-Baptist-doesn’t-like-the-word-fuck-sister and she loved it too. And that’s saying alot.

  • *Kim* (at 9:51) – I think that’s been termed “Dooced by proxy”

    and *Colleen from NJ* (at 8:10) – Right back atcha, girl! Mwah!

  • OK, too many Tracy’s around here now, so I’m changing my tag…

    I can’t believe the asshats whose dogs bit your friend totally pulled a bit-and-run. If my dog bit someone (espeically after I screamed for help), I’d bend over backwards making sure they were taken care of.

    Fish, I can’t believe you made both Dooce and the MGA weep. You are a bad, bad man.

  • Fish- I’ve totally got you beat.

    So I went to the paper,
    took out a personal ad.
    And though I’m nobodys poet
    I guess it wasn’t half bad:

    If you like Pina Colada,
    getting caught in the rain.
    If you’re not into Yoda…
    then you have half a brain.

    If you like makin love at midnight
    in the dunes on the Cape…
    you’re the lady I looked for,
    Come with me and escape.

  • I know I said this about the boobahs, but that Olene Walker looks like a maskless, dying Darth Vadar with a wig on.

  • Em

    Funny picture! Loved your entry. Don’t let the haters get you down. Most of us think you are fan-fucking-tastic.

  • Nail Biter

    Thanks Alena- I knew SOMEONE obviously cool, rockin’ and kick ass, would admit to sharing my compulsive oddity of frame-crashing (as opposed to gate crashing, geddit?!) if only we could manage to work our way into our very own Dooce Daily Pic?

    Just one thing: Heather, when exactly are you relocating to Australia?

    coz, you see, otherwise I have Dubya’s chance in hell of getting framed by Dooce.

    and yeh, Im with all the Doocers on getting some merch up and happening, bumper stickers: “My Child Graduated From Dooce Academy”, “FIRST”, and the inevitable “You’re DOOCED!”…and t-shirts too and baby clothes/dog clothes and mouse pads and beanies and keychains and a makeup line called Heather B(eautiful)…heck, I envisage an entire swimsuit range coming on…HERALD ALL DESIGNERS!

    sorry god, that is all

  • Heather,

    Great pic. Even better title. Re: the sappy post. Put me in the category with the ones that think you’re glorius. Back to lurking…

  • cat

    A pack of dogs attacked me as I rode by on my purple, Huffy, banana-seated, basket-wearing bicycle of awesomeness. The dogs ate the yellow pom-poms off my brand-new ankle socks! (Shut up, it was the early 80’s) I have never fully recovered. I can’t even LOOK at bicycles with banana seats anymore.

  • My favorite part of the Berenstain bear is

    “[She] has won supporters with her grandmotherly charm and has moved mountains with her abundant energy and political savvy.”

    Mountain! MOVE! My political savvy and abundant enerdy commandeth thee!!!

  • Hey Heather B.,
    This comment has nothing to do with the picture posted. But I had to comment on having bad mornings and people that say mean things. I think that you and Beth are freaking AWESOME. I am glad to have been referred to your web site and to Beths by a good friend. I was a single mother for a while and I understand the meds and the bad days and moments that come along…Come on people that are mean isn’t that what makes us human. I look forward to everyday reading the websites, it makes me feel quiet normal. You guys rock!

  • I was bitten by a dog once while standing at my own mailbox. It was a German Shephard that probably outweighed me (I was 12). The owners had trained it to be a vicious attack dog. I think that’s just wrong.
    They offered me some cookies to “just forget about it”.

    I have never forgotten, you pricks!

  • yay!! 188! thats the number I wanted.

  • yes I’m blonde

    Hmmm, looks like it won’t work…

    Here’s the website for the Radio Jock who ripped Post Partum Depression:

    Website for HTML links:

  • yes I’m blonde

    Hey, why are the links not posting as HTML? Click Here For HTML Goodies
    Let me try that again…

  • OK, so I’m a lurker, too. Just had to say that mean people suck but there are a lot of people who *love* your sites, myself included. I’ve hooked 5 or 6 people on it already that i know of, including my mother – she periodically calls and says, “See? I wasn’t a bad mom! Other people do it, too!” which makes me laugh very hard. People who send hate mail ought to be smacked upside the head by GOD. Think that could be arranged?


  • yes I’m blonde

    Dooce, I love your site. You’re funny, gut-wrenching, heart-rendering felt musings on life are an inspiration to all.

    Would love to hear your opinion on this:

    And I see quite a few people need an

    I would do the same as Dave M. I would HAPPILY wear a t-shirt that says:
    “Dooce: Shoving Rainbows Up Your Ass Daily”

    And pay GOOD money to do so…

  • Just so you know, I am extremely protective of you and all that you love as well. I don’t know what site you are referring to that got all the hate mail, but that bothers me to no end and I want to kick some serious internet ass.

  • Kate

    I live in NYC and I lived in LA for a few years in college and it always amazes me when I see an ENTIRELY WHITE news team. On the other hand, it is Utah.

  • kim (#178): That would be double-dooced.

  • The next design’s tag line should definitely be “Dooce: Shoving Rainbows Up Your Ass Daily” (or pick a date). I would definitely buy a T-shirt, too…

  • This is my first comment, though I have been mainlining the Dooce for a couple months now. I love to get a cup o tea going and tuck into all your comments for an hour or so, while my three kids are dismantling the house and each other, I get to pretend I am at a party with lots of fun, interesting (to say the least!) people.
    Yay for
    Yay for Dooce.commenters!

  • kim

    SO MUCH LOVE HERE. love it. also have been wondering: if *DOOCED* means to lose one’s job because of one’s website, then what is to loose one’s job over

  • Slow Talker

    now I am stuck singing…
    and if I can’t find my way back home,
    it just wouldn’t be fair
    re-lurking now!

  • Daddy’s Little Girl Down Under

    I dont mean to use this comment space to spread love to others, because of course that would be wrong but I do just want to thank Gordon for making me laugh out loud. He’s going to be a top shelf Dad, I can tell already!

    I guess ya’ll could go read his weblog for yourself but for those lazy skimmers, here’s what bent my lips toward the sky in a kind of u shape…

    His blogs starts out where he mentioned his wife falling pregnant and the fact that there would be FIVE new borns this year, then went on to list:

    “So this is the 2005 line up

    Mayo-Later june

    I just have to say its late, almost 4 am and Im so bloody addicted to Dooce I probably need to see someone about it but that aside, again due to the tiredness I didnt take in that it is physically impossible to have FIVE impending births in the one year (okay, not including quintuplets,for all you smarty pantses!)…anyway, where was I? Oh yes, so I read down the list, Scarlette March (what a beautiful name I thought, tucking it away in the names-for-when-Im-a mum file of my memory), Leah May (not bad but thinking someone of the false-teeth-wearing kind might accidently come out with the animal name Laama when caught with their teeth out, Im thinking ahead, grandparents!) and then Bunny June even sounded convincing enough as a childs’ name…as long as you live far out of the city that is 🙂

    Im so dooce-ing stupid that it wasnt until I got to Mayo Later June that I thought, “heeeeeeeeey, wait just one dang minute!!!” BAH- Ive been had!

    Still keeping Scarlette March however 🙂

  • Yikes, dog attack!

  • Today’s pic totally reminded me of one I took of local newscasters at an anti-Bush demonstration, when he came to town. Anyone who has been outside of WV realizes that people on the local news here suck majorly and will go absolutely nowhere (hence, they’re local news in WV), but the locals have an odd reverance for them.

    These two, particularly the woman, who couldn’t get a single sentence out without fucking it up, were classic and amusing to watch. She also seemed flustered by my intense interest in what she was doing.

  • Sharon

    In the photograph, she looks like she has a lime bean somewhere she shouldn’t.

  • 01234 — How right you are! 🙂

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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