An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

This is what happens when you have to go pee, and the baby insists upon joining you

  • Trust me. Every embarassing ointment and every form of birth control and every female product will be discovered by your child, and usually when company is over.

  • sab

    At least when she needs them 10+ years from now she will know where you keep them!

  • Dave

    “These are the goofiest looking sticky notes I’ve ever seen….”

  • I can’t believe no one’s responded to this yet.

    SEK said at 08:41AM, 02.02.2005:
    Leta’s adorable. Period.


  • Does anyone own the swiffer wet jet? Am I the only one that realizes that the absorbent sheets you stick to the bottom are just modified Always maxis?!

  • dooce, use this page to convert nytimes links for your dad and others who don’t want to register next time leta’s gorgeous mug is featured:

    sorry i couldn’t find this at the time.

    p.s. links converted with this utility don’t expire. :o]

  • Andrea in Canada

    Dooce, do you have your camera attached around your neck at all times?? LOL

    Great shot, very nice bathroom! I like, I like!

    One tomorrow…more toddler adventures to come.

  • He’s probably using it to degrease HIS ball bearings.

  • NOPE, there’s never any astroglide in my care packages.

    I bet the mailman is bogarting the lube! Bastard.

  • very cute. my 4 year old son will take my tampons out of the box and pretend they’re cigars.

  • Girl.A, you forgot that I always put some astroglide in there with the roses and chocolates …

    I mean, your secret admirer does. yeaaaah… that’s it …

  • you mean ozzy actually wears underwear?

    no cable. ):3

  • Haplys — not as good as I should, I’m afraid. 🙂

    Ha! You know, in order for him to really have the opportunity to change as many diapers as possible — I think you should take a REAL LONG RECOVERY time. Especially if you’re feeling fine. You can fake aches and pains and stuff for a while. Unfortunately, I didn’t get this piece of advice until AFTER my kids were born…

  • Marti

    Me, too.

  • Ladies they have those already, go to the back of Cosmo magazine…you know where all those black and white ads are.

    Look for the one with the smiling woman, it should say something like secret hidden erotic panties.

  • Sarah

    At least she’s not pulling the curtains off of the window!

  • Circus Kelli- I hope you treat her right on Mother’s Day. 🙂

    Only about another month and a half for me, God willing, and I’ve promised my husband he’s getting at least the first 20 shitty diapers.

  • U.B.

    Man, I want Girl A’s pantyliners as well. Sure, I’m a guy, but they sound great for long, football watching afternoons…

  • As long is she didn’t put the goldfish from your panties in her mouth your all good. She did didn’t she? EEEW!

  • All parents, myself included, have had this happen to them. I guess I’m just surprised you had the camera handy, but I really shouldn’t be. You take some great candid shots and this is one of the most universal for parents of small children. Thanks for the great site.

  • Carol,

    I don’t buy them, they just appear in my mailbox with some red roses and chocolates.

  • Melissa

    Has anyone noticed the ads on the front page?

    Christian Singles!

    followed by

    Lasting Pleasure?
    Natural sexual health product for women.

  • Dooce, if you read this, ask Jon to check out your site using the Opera browser, you’re getting some weird thing going on with the spacing on your numbering on your comments – bleeding into the light blue border…they don’t even show up in explorer. I KNOW ITS OFF SUBJECT, but I’m too lazy to send an email.

  • Just when you think there is nothing cuter than baby chocolate face, here is baby feminine hygiene. Heather, you know that you MUST pull this picture out in 15 years. I mean, you DID already say that you’d pay for her therapy.

    And Girl A–PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD let us know where you buy your pantyliners. I’ve been missing out!

  • Y’all crack my ass up!

  • Rebecca Ann

    You always manage to give me a daily dose of laugh-my-ass-off. Well, at least it wasn’t condoms she discovered (gulp)… Can you imagine the possibilities?

    Food for thought: Fingernail polish. When I was 4 or 5 years old, I once painted our entire upstairs banister, piano keys, dresser, dad’s belt & wallet with hot pink nail polish. I never did find out how they cleaned it up. But, I still love hot pink to this day!

  • SEK

    Leta’s adorable. Period.

    Happy Birthday to my little one today, he is 1!

  • Haplys — I grew up with a single Mom. My sis and I are not quite a year apart in age — I honestly don’t know how my Mom did it.

  • See, kids can get away with this kind of thing. The last time I tried it, I got arrested. It’s really not fair.

  • The sister involved in earlier comment also once tripped a nun, who was on her way up the aisle to receive communion, during Easter Sunday mass.

  • You’re lucky you get a relief when Jon comes home from work every night. Some people don’t have that luxury. When my girls were one month old and I was alone battling postpartum depression with them and feeling sorry for myself about my husband being in Iraq for the next 8 months, I just thought about the poor bastards who don’t even have that on the horizon, and are just alone. Thank God we’re not single moms. 🙂

  • we’re not talking about re-packing ball bearings anymore, are we, Girl A.?

  • carol

    GirlA – what brand do you buy, b/c I want those!

  • amelia

    Was dooce dropping a deuce?

  • Girl A. said: “Jason, precisely”

    I hated that fucker on 90210. I betcha he was always getting into the panty-liners when he was a kid.

  • mg2

    Heather, you are SO superfuckingfamous… Ozzy is in your living room? IN HIS UNDIES?! I hope you offered him some pantyliners because you know how it is, Ozzy can’t be inconvenienced with traditional toileting techniques.

  • You’re lucky Leta is learning about such things at a young age. I was a sheltered child — damn Catholic upringing. When I was about 4 or 5 I thought I’d try and be just like mommy and put on a maxipad… except I stuck it to my body and proudly paraded downstairs to show my mother. If I had only known.

  • Wait a minute … those things are STICKY?

  • U.B.

    When I first stumbled across feminine hygiene products, my sisters oh-so-helpfully told me to go ask my Mom. The poor thing. So shy and *so* proper and I stomp in the kitchen to ask her what ‘tampooooons’ are?

    May have been one of the more disturbing, yet clinical, discussions of my young life.

  • Fishybane,
    Yeah they’re sticky and they vibrate too.

  • cat

    There was a commercial? And it BOMBED?! No. I don’t believe it. It’s so INNOVATIVE! I’d TOTALLY buy tampons advertised in such a way!

    And, um, Jason? EW! I’m so not kidding. I just vomited a little in my mouth and had to swallow it down… because, TMI, much?

  • The person who was first should have said “I’m Number One.” HA! Get it?! Pee = Number One. I’m so funny. Not.

  • *hork* is the noise one makes when coughing up an extra-specially lugubrious loogy,

    followed shortly by the loud *spit-kerSPLAT* as one expels said loogy on the garage floor before turning back to de-greasing the ball bearings.

  • So today on my way to work I saw Leta’s face sticking out of a recycling bin and I grabbed it. NYT article. Very cool (massive) photo of her. How bizarre is it that I know what your child looks like SO WELL that I spotted her out of the corner of my eye on a folded newspaper in a recycling bin?

  • Jason, precisely what I was wondering here.

    Was she in one of those emergency-waddles-turned-raptured-picture-taking-pants-around-the-ankles-crouch-on-the-bathroom-floor?

  • carol

    LadyBug – I love that one! It was hilarious.

    And because my inner hippie is emerging… (does that sound dirty?)

  • Thanks Fish. I was stranded through a hundred testosterone free comments. Can’t we get back to lube?

  • Damn, and here I was thinking that my daughter was the only one w/ the talent of single-handedly tearing out every feminine product under the counter in 1.2 seconds flat. Glad to know she isn’t alone w/ her talent!

  • Apparently its most likely to happen when you bring the camera when you go to pee also!

  • MyChelle

    After a visit to my house when her molars were coming in, my niece thought playtex tampons were the BEST EVER teething soother …and my sis (who is a non-tamponer) fully endorsed this by buying them SPECIFICALLY FOR my niece!! wonder what niece’s future therapist will say about all this?

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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