An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

This is what happens when you have to go pee, and the baby insists upon joining you

  • Cute pic, as always.

    All this talk reminds me of the America’s Funniest Videos clip, where the two young boys find some tampons and take them to their mother. “Mom, look! Dynamite!” (They _seriously_ thought they’d found dynamite.) She asks them what they should do, and they respond, “Call the police!”

  • I don’t care who you are, you have a kid, you’ve been here. The worst is when you’re droppin’ a deuce and they start into something they shouldn’t and you have to do one of those emergency waddles over to them to take it away, as not to smear your crap up your crack prior to whiping. PUT THAT DOWN!!!

  • Looking at the pic more closely,
    it would appear that an adult gave Leta the box of box pads.

    Also, I am thinking it went something like this:
    Dooce: Hey, self, I gotta pee!
    starts to leave room
    Leta: screeeheeeeheeeam
    Dooce: Ok, Leta you can ride shot gun
    Leta: bububbub
    Dooce: Wait on sec, honey, mommy has to grab the not very small and not very lightweight camera first.

  • Wow, all you people seem to have been very open with your use of feminine hygiene products.

    My mom, I swear, kept hers locked in the basement somewhere. I didn’t even know they existed until I was twelve, which was its own set of fun stories.

  • Cat-
    Didn’t they make a commercial based on that very idea? One that involved a boat with a leak and it being plugged with a tampon? And the commercial kinda bombed because the whole idea of whipping out your handy-dandy tampax, waving it about, and plugging a hole while on a date was just a bit much for the average person.
    Which doesn’t erase the fact that they are TERRIBLY useful things to have around.

  • Girl A., I didn’t say polish.

    I said de-grease.

  • carol

    BTW, Fish? What is *hork* ?

  • I say just let her play with them and then send her to answer the door next time you get Mormon visitors, just so you can watch the very proper young men’s faces as they studiously ignore what she’s playing with.

  • Ana

    She is a little angel!

  • *Hork, spit, fart, belch*

    Yeah, you know dem panty-whoserwhatsits make some fine degreasing pads fer cleaning, greasing n’ re-packin’ dem ball bearings, der hey.

    (testosterone levels restored)


    “Must… destroy… bathroom!”

    What an adorable little girl. At least when she hits puberty she’ll know what to DO with them! 🙂

  • Mari

    oh god, that’s great. You can just see Leta’s delight.

  • Fishdude,
    I can’t believe you just admitted you polish your balls with light days sanitary pads.

  • cat

    You know, people underestimate the myriad uses of a good solid tampon. Oh the places it goes!

    Bloody nose? Tampax!
    Dripping faucet? Tampax!
    Earache? Tampax!
    Faux-snow for art project? Tampax!

    It’s all about ingenuity, folks.

  • Pay The Plumber

    never flush, bad people!

  • LOL! my niece did the same things, except tampons ended up being in her nose…..oh boy!

  • Sarah

    Hilarious! Great pic… so funny.

  • Jessie

    At least she didn’t shove tampons up her nose right?

  • kids and tampons…perfect together. (where’s Cristin?)

  • haha!

    Nothing beats your kid walking up to you with a (thankfully) still-wrapped tampon saying, “Please?”

    He thinks they’re some kind of special secret candy that is only kept under the bathroom sink.

  • cat

    Okay, my mother went through this phase (grandma’s idea!) where she was making “Rubber Trees.” Basically, fake plants decorated with, well, RUBBERS in assorted colors, and a risque little poem. For kicks and giggles, naturally. Because she and grandma are WEIRD.

    You can imagine her horror when– while she was entertaining some church friends, of course– my youngest brother came out of her bedroom, his little hands held aloft, every darn finger encased in “balloons” (pretty!)

    Yep. Thank goodness they weren’t the lubricated ones. Ew.

  • Lis

    Who else besides Heather could take a picture of her kid playing with pads while she sits on the shitter, and make it look cool?

  • Miss Mea-Mea

    for Halloween one year, my mother made my Snoopy costume. Little did I know that she made the ears out of sanitary pads stuffed inside of black socks, glued to a headband. I have a picture somewhere. I look remarkably happy for an 8 year old with Stayfree ear muffs.

  • mg2

    oh my god cindy, the cuteness of that story is making me light headed. look at the coupon mommy… how did you keep your composure??

  • I want to squish her thigh and wrist rolls.

  • kim

    jay, panty-liner-and-tampon-talk ON TOP of a picture with leta SITTING UP. OH THE JOY. made my day (once more)

  • That’s absolutely adorable.

    And hey, we use the same pantyliners!

    I remember when my 2 youngest brothers were little, they discovered tampons, and would unwrap them, pull out the cotton part and throw it in the toilet and then watch in amazement at they nufurled like flowers (apparently only the Playtex kind do this).

  • Ummmm

    all three parts Steph? Im confused, and yes Im a woman…

  • Bucky, Girl.A, Courtney, you’re all cracking me up!… ooo, gotta go pee. (maybe bring my camera,see what’s happening to my personal products, too.) can’t be as great as today’s pic.

  • That is GREAT! A guy friend of mine was at a nanny job with me once when the kids’ mom got home, and as we were all standing around chatting, the baby was pulling all the tampons out of her mom’s bag. The mom said something funny about how my friend probably didn’t need to see those, when her four-year-old son piped up, “Those go inside your body. When you’re done with them you can flush them down the toilet.” She, horrified, muttered something about how she guessed her son had been paying a little more attention than she thought when he followed her into the bathroom. My friend, who wasn’t shy about those sorts of things anyway, just cracked up. He said it was one of the funniest things he had ever heard in his life.

  • Cindy

    sorry for the caps; button is stuck — when my four kids were little, they would slam tampons (still wrapped) skinny end down into the floor as hard as they could. the tampon would shoot out like a rocket. they called them ‘coupons’ (couldn’t say tampons) — for a while, any toy rocket, or rocket on tv was referred to as a coupon! ~~look at the coupon mommy~!

  • Liz

    And you insist on taking the camera. I love it.

  • Courtney–that’s awesome

  • Liv

    Look at that excellent straddle posture! She’s going to be a gymnast!

    Really, she’s just adorable. So cute!

  • Carol

    GirlA – lmao. way to jumpstart the day.

    You’re getting a lot of “wait untils”, but wait until they start getting interested in you and what you are doing and trying to help. Eeek.

  • HA HA HA HA (insert peeing pants here)!!!!!
    My sister, as a toddler, once pulled a tampon out of my mother’s purse, IN CHURCH, took it apart, and used it like a telescope. The family behind us almost had to leave, they could not contain their laughter.

  • I stick them on my baby’s head and laugh while he tries to figure out how to get it off. Good times.

  • Dang cold…

    Amy..thats a cute story. Hope he doesn’t take it too hard and scream when the disappointment sets in that Leta won’t be joining him.

    whoops! boss coming…later!

  • Stephanie

    Feeling Guilty. . .
    . . . for actually giving my 15 month old daughter a tampon to play with so I could make a phone call. It was at least 10 minutes of entertainment: the unwrapping and then the three pieces–just like a puzzle–to play with and, yes, chew on! And, yes, when she later took one out of my purse, she walked into the room with the string in her mouth and the tampon dangling in the breeze. The babysitter was horrified.

  • mg2

    I also enjoy flinging maxi pads around the bathroom. They’re soft, cushy and super-absorbent!

  • Icy

    andrea, at least they weren’t used. My friend’s poodle use to dig in the trashcan for used pads and bring them into the living room to enjoy. Oh the embarrassment my friend endured. HA! I thought it was hilarious!!

  • Full body armor? OMG

  • Sarah said at 07:17AM, 02.02.2005:

    What I want to know is, what did she build with all those panty liners? A hat? A plane? What?

    laugh, that reminds me, I have a planner from last year that i didn’t really use much. It’s caled the Bad girl’s date book or something. Anyway, in it, it has instructions on how to color a panty liner black and how to cut it in order to make a disguise or eyebrows, amustache and a beard so that you can spy on people. even has illustrations. I’ll scan it when ig et home from work.


  • Colleen, ewwwwwwwwwwwwww. I use tp.

    The cat only licks up her own “bladder water”. Off her pussy I would guess.

  • Moxie– BTDT but a bit different.

    Hubby and I were lying in bed, cuddling and talking. Kids were up and anxious for us to get up so we could have breakfast.

    Said kids then commence to shooting us with “parachutes” in an attempt to get us moving.

    My son, now almost 20, still turns beet red when I remind him that he thought tampons were parachutes.

    He goes even redder if I bring up how he used to make roads for his hotwheels with panty liners.

    I can make him leave the room by mentioning how he once make full body armor out of them.

    Ahhhhh The joys of parental memories!

  • She’s just helpin’! 🙂 Did she discover the stick-side, or was she content to just sort them? “mini, medium, maxi, uh, featherbed, uh, body pillow, uh, down comforter, hm, where do we put the mattress-sized ones, mommy?”

  • Daisy

    My precious baby loves tampons. She likes to bring them out when we have company. It’s super fun!!

  • Southern Fried Girl

    OH MY GOD – BABY FEET!!!! How do you not eat them?

  • Girl.A, would that be bladder water?

  • Wet tampons stick to the ceiling????

    Wait a sec. . .

    Whoa, you’re right, Colleen! But the maintenance guys are gonna whip my ass now.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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