An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

It’s alive!

In the winter we rarely go in or out of the front door because we have no hallway at the front of the house. We always use the back door so that we don’t track mud or snow onto the hardwood floors. Unfortunately, this means that I forget about everything on the porch including these festive Halloween pumpkins. Jon was tasked with disposing of these rotting horrors but not before I could take a picture.

  • Cori Skinner

    can’t wait to see ya on TV tonight, now I can say that I used to kinda know someone who’s famous!

  • By the way, Heather, I cleaned out my couch-cushions looking for change so you could pay for the xtra bandwidth tonight and tomorrow.

    you don’t wanna know what it was sitting next to in the couch, tho …

  • anon

    Your love is like some long gone fruit/Bloated and dripping its insides/Across the steril ground

  • bb


  • Anon

    Thanks for the update Heather!!!

    Looking forward to seeing you on the boob tube tonight!

    (I can’t believe I just wrote ‘boob tube’….I’m only in my early 30’s – shouldn’t cliches be uttered by those wiser?)

  • ahahahahaaa

  • Bucky, is that because I like to put bananas in my corn-hole?

    oooh oooh ooh ahahah ee EEEEEE! E ee ee EEEEEE!

  • Stacy

    I’ll admit, I totally hit the back button to see what a $2 hooker’s scarred ass looks like.

  • i thought we confirmed yesterday that the word monkey can mean vagina?

  • Wow, I got some catchin’ up to do!

    Thumbnail: Looks like a $2 hooker’s scarred ass. Don’t ask how I know that.

    mg2: You quoted Jerri Blank! I must have you for my own!

    Amanda B: What’s wrong with the monkey that GOD gave you? You lookin’ for a monkey transplant?

    The Monkey: Yes, I’m afraid that intense scientific studies do, indeed, confirm beyond a shadow of a doubt that monkey *DOES* equal vagina.

  • JYJ

    I too have wondered if Heather’s former colleagues from “The Dooced Experience” still keep in touch/check the website. Are they aware of the mentions (not of their company, but of her experience)?

    What about the person who initially sent the link to the upper mgmt at the company, I wonder if they’re aware of the PHENOMENON.

    Just wondering.

  • Dooce, Dooce, Dooce, Dooce of Dork, Dork, Dork…

    … who did that song?

  • Dang Cold..

    Long Duck Dong a la Sixteen Candles..named after a ducks dork 🙂

    you guys remember????

    geez I was in elementary school when that movie came out.

  • Coming Up on WNT
    Could blogging cause you to lose your job?

  • Dooce the DORK. Nice ring to it!

    CONGRATULATIONS, Dork! So THAT’s what a girl needs to do around here to be famous? Start a website, talk about your boss molesting the air around your head, get squealed on about said website, get fired, and ABC, NPR, NYT and all the other letters of the alphabet will come running and filming you typing DORK. Are you ready for your close-up, Mrs. Armstrong?

  • Dooce – Queen of the Dorks.

  • LOVE IT.

    Can’t wait to see it on air.

  • OregonKim

    But you are such a very cool dork. I’ll be watching for you and am cheering you on as we speak.

  • Oh yeah, that’s right, y’all over there on the righthand coast get to see it first. Wah! No fair, while I’m still working. Theoretically.


    😉 I’ll be watching.

  • i wish i was OF FRANCE!

    only 22 more minutes!!!

  • NO freakin WAY!!! Congratulations! Turning scars into stars, thats you Dooce!

  • New tshirt slogan:

  • Loo

    I thought my day couldn’t get much better because:

    1. It marked three full days since my daughter’s ass exploded on me.

    2. I successfully avoided showing my right buttock to my coworkers by noticing that my skirt was stuck inside my hose BEFORE leaving the ladies room.

    And now this…Ahhh…

    dork dork dork…hey, that is fun!

  • Libraryhill

    Thank you, Moose. So, when should I start watching my mail for my official Dooceling Dork membership card?

  • Libraryhill, you are not alone. You are a dooceling.

  • Megan – I hear ya, sistah!! LMAO!

  • this is so cool….I feel like I read you when….Good Luck tonight!

  • Cheryl

    You can Tivo through the Tivo website. I just did. Just thought I would let everyone know.

  • Cheryl

    GO AHEAD– CALL ME A DORK. At least I have friends who are dorks too. TIVO DORKS!!

  • Kassi

    LMAO…that is real time dorkness.

  • Libraryhill

    I’m just glad I’m not alone in my dorkness.

  • Yeah, I am so ready for Chuck Friday. I am going to bite the beak off of a rubber duckie in honor of Chuck Fridays!

  • Anon

    Do we know if Heather will truely be on World News tonight? Do they have that quick of a turn around with editing on stuff like this? I know they can do quick editing – but I’m just wondering if it will really be on tonight.

    Please, Heather, let us know when you know, okay?


  • i wish it was CHUCKFRIDAY.

  • Cindy

    Can I have your autograph?

  • You know what other word could use some more attention? Cunnilingus. Although, that’s a lot more hard to spell than Dork.

    America needs more cunnilingus.

  • i have an interpol song in my head currently.


    anyway, here’s to dooce for helping me pass through another day of monotonous, tedious, mindless work that makes me want to just quit and go on unemployment. GAH. but i wont quit.

  • becky

    wah! i won’t be able to watch either. stupid job. stupid school.

  • Dorks who can not type, unite!
    I’m still laughing. What a dork.
    My husband calls me that when I tell him about my “internet friends” (as mentioned in “Old School”):

    “and Fish was really God… and Kano is kinda jerky, but he hates clowns… and CircusKelli really isn’t in the circus…but now she’s NotCK so I gotta scroll up and see why…and it’s almost ChuckFriday…”

  • Danika

    DAMN! I don’t think I’ll be able to watch it. First because I am not even sure I get ABC tonight (I have satelite so maybe I would get it) but also because I work and don’t have time to run home from this job to check and set the vcr to tape while I’m working!

    All I have to say to that is FUCK

  • tk

    Please let us know when this segment will air…. we all want to watch you typing the word DORK

  • INTERPOL dork

    Dooce – I know nothing about Interpol, but you write about them all the time so they must be cool. They will be in concert in March and I plan on going, but want to educate myself first. Could you recommend a “must listen to” CD. Interpol Cliff Notes if you will.
    Thanks! And when should we be watching ABC news?

  • Cate

    Is anyone else thinking “OMG, I have to tape ABC World News Tonight tonight! Ack! Do I have a tape? Why don’t I have TiVo?”

  • i _love_ donald dork 🙂


  • I love they are getting the real Heather B. Armstrong…the one we all know and love!!

    How does your hair look 😉 ????

  • Because I’m this compulsive:

    It’s “Standards and Practices,” not the other way around.

    MamaPajama: Me too, and unfortunately typing in front of a roomful of people is part of my job. I hate when there’s a lull in the conversation and then I realize that everyone’s waiting for me to catch up so they can just LEAVE already. Man, when that happens I can go 60 typos a minute.

  • Knock knock.
    Who’s there?
    Dorky who?
    Thank goodness you opened the door, I lost my dorky.

    Don’t hit me, okay?

  • Ok, that post cracked me up more than I have ever been cracked before. or something. Reminds me of something I would write! hahahahahaha! me dork too!

  • KelliAmanda, I SEND THIS BLOG to my boss. But I don’t think I’ll get fired. We all think it kicks ass…though maybe I should take a look at what our employee handbook says…uh…about reading blogs that contain references to boobies, zingbahs and constipation…nope. Still employed.

    Lucky me to work for cool people.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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