Last night I was on national television, and this morning as I was washing my face Leta opened the bottom drawer in the bathroom vanity and found Chuck’s toothbrush. As she shoved it into her mouth I rushed over to seize it from her chubby grip when I noticed that her nose was running so I did what came naturally and reached for one of my Carefree light days maxi pads and wiped her nose with it. That was a few hours ago, and she is still chewing on the dog’s toothbrush. She’s teething, so you know, whatever works.

Yesterday, moments after the camera crews left the house my sister’s son, Joshua, approached me and explained, “I need go pee pee.” I don’t have much experience with boys or even kids who don’t use the bathroom in a diaper, so I told him, “Then go.” But he just stood there looking at me and I was like, “What? I’m not going to do it for you.”

I guess there’s this thing with twins, they have to do the same thing all the time because right then Noah came up to me and said, “Me pee pee, too.” And then both of them took me by the hand and walked me into the bathroom because they wanted me to stand there and watch them pee pee. Both of them. At the same time. Peeing in the potty. Oh dignity, where art thou?

Turns out neither of them know how to zip up their own pants so I had to zip up their pants for them. Noah is slightly more stout than his brother, and zipping up his pants proved rather troublesome. I couldn’t get the button to snap around his waist so I had to pull down on the pants to get them in the right position and in doing so I accidentally injured his Wee Waw. He let out an almost inaudible, “Ouch.” And I was completely horrified. So I left them unbuttoned.

Later I was on the phone with someone who has connections with people, people who have power, and in the middle of trying to pitch an idea to this person with connections Noah announced, “I go pee pee in the grass.” So I had to ask this person with connections to hold on one second while I shouted, “You are NOT going pee pee in the grass, you’re going PEE PEE IN THE POTTY.”

Why didn’t I just write about having sex with senators on my weblog? Senators! And their Wee Waws!