An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Jones. He got in the way.

  • He’s blocking the sun. Because he’s evil. EEEEEEVIL I TELL YOU.

  • Ok, Damon. John Cusack, Aragorn (Viggo I-can’t-spell-his-last-name), Christian Slater, Johnny Depp–scissors, pirate, 21 Jump, whatever, and Taye “You can taye my diggs anyday” Diggs (which makes no sense, but it’s all in the inflection.

  • Taye Diggs has an infection? Ewwww.


    I knew I loved you. I can can count on ONE hand how many people I know that read that book!

    Mihow…I had a dream that I touched Michelle Phiffer’s boob through the catsuit. I still can’t believe I dreamed that.

  • ashik

    strizzay – you just made me stop believing that *anyone* could beat you up and take your boyfriend in highschool.

  • Indeed: a totally Daily Oliver moment.

    For those who are asking, see . Per the author’s description, “Two weimaraners faffing about in the south of France.” (Which might make you wonder why it’s not “Daily Oliver and Hugo,” but Oliver was first, and Daily Oliver predates Hugo’s addition to the mix.)

  • Ha! Boxing Octopus! (#69)
    i think jones is autistic. he has all the markers.

    Now THAT is a funny, funny comment!

  • I’m not really into Matt Damon. I agree with the whole too short thing. He just looks scrawny.

    Has anyone seen “Team America” yet? I laugh anytime I hear someone just say: Matt Damon. Matt Damon!


    Everything he touches is turned into perfection. Everything.

  • Will Farrell is the bomb.

  • Will Farell will punch you in your uterus if you talk shit.

  • Dazed & Confuzed said at 08:35AM, 02.17.2005:
    Not being asleep at 7:30 AM? That’s not insane. Wanna know what insane is? Insane is painting your toenails red so you can walk down the middle of the interstate, barefoot, with just a button-down shirt, a belt and a big viking helmet while singing Blondie’s “The Tide Is High” and doing a little two-step every 40 seconds. THAT’S insane. (not that I’d know).

    It wasn’t “The Tide Is High” it was “Call Me”, and I prefer “eccentric” over “insane” thankyouverymuch.

  • ashik

    Yes, but he has girth to him.
    hee hee

  • Heh.

  • And Mihow?
    Girls TOTALLY have wet dreams. It’s AWESOME! (Shhhhh: Just don’t tell the guys; they think they’re exclusive…)

  • Squish

    Captain Jack Sparrow was Johnny Depp’s best creation ever. Made me want to marry a pirate…

  • So is the “You’re either a Ben or a Matt person.” the new “Are you a Beatle or a Rolling Stone?”

    My name is mihow and I am a Matt Damon I also prefer the Rolling Stones (if we’re talking of yesteryear. Now, not so much.)

  • There’s a Jones in Confederacy of Dunces and I immediately thought of that. He’s such a great character. I love Jones.

    IMDB says Will Farrell is going to be in the Confederacy of Dunces movie. It makes me wonder: are they going to ruin it?

    They are totally going to ruin it.

  • Annejelynn, I love Jude Law, too. Mmmmmmm.

  • Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow.

  • Jude Law is delicious.

  • ashik

    what is daily oliver?

  • ah, yes! Johnny Depp too is in there…yet that dream (or two) happened when I was in H.S., while “Edward Scissorhands” was out…and no, he was not in his scissors attire during my dreamt escapade.

  • I’m sure all he’s doing is looking for food in the camera…or perhaps Matt Damon.

  • yes, someone shed some light on this for ashik and me too — what is daily oliver?

  • Michael

    Today’s Quiz:
    What is the movie called and what is the plot? (predicated on my last post)

  • Has me thinking now… Who else is there?
    Matt Damon, Jude Law, Orlando Bloom as “Legolas” (omghy), Brad Pitt (only once when he was in “Legends of the Fall” – that movie turned me to a blubbering mass), and ahhhh (who else, who else is there), and Paul Rudd. Now that’s movie-type celebrities. If you wanna count ‘rock-stars’??? I don’t know where to begin.

  • I never got into Matt Damon.

    Too short-looking, if that makes any sense.

  • cat

    I’m skerred.

    And I loves me some Matt Damon. I don’t care! I DON’T CARE! I TOTALLY DO!

    Mmmmmm…. Ooooooh, Maaaaaaaatt Daaaaaamon…

    Sorry, those instantaneous Matt Damon orgasms can be a little distracting.

  • ashik

    So, ashbetty, really, it’s: What about Dooce?

  • Dog: “Lady, what did I tell you? NO PICTURES!”

  • I’ll bet the poster is a 400-pound, cross-eyed, slobbering, acne-ridden, balding hermaphrodite with no teeth.

  • EXCELLENT analysis, victoria. i totally concur.

    haters, we figured you out. now hie thee to a blog with *dumber* acolytes.

  • Squish

    Victoria, you’re right. I think they are the same, deeply disturbed person. Dweebisis used to troll on a baseball message board I visited regulary. She is a very sick person. I do feel sorry for her.

    Couldn’t Dooce block her IP address? If she could, and doesn’t, it’s a tribute to Heather.

    You’re right too, Mrs. Strizzay. We should just forget about it, but I didn’t read that person’s comments until just now, and they upset me.

  • Now, Trance, we don’t want to lump all the hermaphrodites together.

    Or maybe we do. And we want to film it.

    Lemme get back to you on that.

  • yessirreebob – Matt Damon is wicked hot. I love his grin.

    Matt Damon is one of the very few celebrities I ever dream about nailing! him and Jude Law…

  • ashbetty

    your questions about Matt Damon and UPPERCASE GOD are really very thought provoking, but I’d like to bring up an important point about dream analysis. Experts say that everyone in your dream is really you. Does that mean that dooce is really Matt Damon!? The mind boggles!

  • Michael

    Dear God I hope that Matt Damon finds this website and somehow ends up in Utah and it becomes the next Project Greenlight and we can all go to our local theatre and see Leta on the big screen.

  • That might make us a few bucks.

    I’ll buy the beer.

  • Referring to Lisa B at 09:35AM, 02.17.2005,

    Lisa B., you can add one of my oh-so pointy-toed leather boots right up his bung hole too! #11!! –when I read what he said to you, made me want to totally bitch-slap yer dad up and down, around the corner! I’m sure you love your dad, but I concurr – what an ass.

  • seriously, dooce, if you sold t-shirts and buttons and crap like that, i’d be all over it like white on rice!

  • I think you’re totally on, Victoria. I noticed that, too. “You’re ugly, and you suck,” is what it comes down to.

    Sooooo mature.

  • dewi

    If the nap is gone, you must hire a baby-sitter two or three times a week for a few hours. I am serious, find the money! A babysitter is for your mental health and a known remedy to keep you from getting overwhelmed or upping the medication into zombie hood. The “free time” gives you a little breather and perspective. Mothering full-time is the hardest job you will ever have and babysitters are a perk that comes with the job. Take advantage of this job benefit for you own sanity.

  • Personally I would have been happy not to have to read that crap all over again. But thats just me.

  • Jessica Raab

    Comment #162 is THE BEST.

    I need my daily Oliver alongside of my daily Dooce— and today they totally crossed over from separate continents.

    What about Matt Damon? Last night I don’t know what I was dreaming, but I yelled at my husband: “WHY DOES IT COST $30?!?!”

    that is all.

  • Can’t stop thinking about the kind of swag that could be sold at Salt Lake Buzz games . . .

    “First 500 ticketholders through the gate receive a complimentary Taser M26 . . . buzz your favorite umpire!”

    “Why sing the national anthem when you can catch a seventh-inning buzz?”

  • ashbetty

    My god. You are so right! What about Matt Damon?

  • victoria

    There’s a pattern in the troll comments that have appeared recently on

    First, the person attacks Heather’s appearance or sexual attractiveness:

    a. “no one wants to go muff diving on someone who hasnt’ taken a shower”

    b. “you’re just another skinny woman with no tits or ass”

    c. “I love to see a masculine looking woman trying to be all chic”

    Second, the person (it HAS to be the same one) attacks Heather’s parenting:

    a. she has “potty mouth”

    b. her post-partum depression will lead her to kill all her kids

    c. she’s ignoring the fact that her child is autistic.

    What my fellow doocelings don’t pick up on is that these childish attacks on Heather’s considerable beauty are ALWAYS paired with self-avowed “serious,” high-minded parenting “advice” (that is really just intended to make Heather feel bad).

    Doocelings typically just react to the hypocritical attacks disguised as parenting advice — apparently not noticing that this insane, delusional commenter can’t stop herself from saying, despite all the photographic evidence to the contrary, that Heather is unattractive.

    What’s going on is obvious: this poster can’t bear the fact that Heather is young, thin, gorgeous, talented, adored by many doocelings AND her husband and beautiful baby. So she posts these ridiculous “you’re ugly and a bad mother” comments.

    To me, the “you’re ugly” statements that are inevitably included in this person’s comments (she seems to have some sort of compulsion on this subject) simply show that she has completely lost touch with reality. The commenter discredits her “advice” by always pairing it with these infantile attacks.

    Am I right?

  • Tell me you got that on tape!!!

    Personally I think Matt Damon looks a bit boyish. I want a man baby. Although, he does have nice pecs. Hmmmm.

  • ashik

    I wonder what the Mormon Authority thinks about Matt Damon…. What about UPPERCASE GOD? I bet he is proud that he made Matt Damon so purty … wait, if Matt Damon was made in him image, DOES THAT MEAN THAT UPPERCASE GOD LOOKS LIKE MATT DAMON?

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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