Best way to roast the broomstick. Must try. Five Stars.
  • Ern

    I can always tell when I have missed a new Dooce post because the comments begin to make no sense to me 🙂

  • victoria

    Isn’t it funny how dogs deal with the disappointment of your departure by hiding in their “safe” space? Mine slinks off to his bed every morning when I leave for work.

  • U.B.

    Wow, envious twat seems a little harsh — even for a scorned canine.

    It sounds like his anger is directed at Emily and all her doggy-whoring around.

  • U.B.

    Wow, envious twat seems a little harsh — even for a scorned canine.

    It sounds like his anger isn’t directed at Emily and all her doggy-whoring around.

  • Geez, Squirl, now everybody knows we’ve slept together!

    Guess we couldn’t announce it in a better place, though.

    Yes, I confess, I have slept with Squirl on numerous occasions.

    AND (this is where it really gets hot), Squirl has changed my diaper.

    Um, not recently.

  • I’m glad that I don’t know what crowning means. Please don’t tell me, either!

  • tonight I will “auf wiedersehn” wendy pooper and the fabulous kara saun because JAY IS A GOD. even though he can’t say my name.

  • Interesting tidbits about crazy animal people. I might write something someday about how ‘crazy dog lady down the street’ actually got her nickname. It doesn’t relate to the number of dogs she has so much as it relates to the fact that she is actually crazy.

    She looks normal, though.

  • Red Headed Stepchild

    Because, as the book sez, “everybody poops.”

  • I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. dooce,you ROCK.

  • Oh, I don’t think sweet bony Chuck would tell his mom to suck it.

    I’m sure, however, that he probably touches you with his lipstick while you sleep, and then laughs his doggie ass off.

    I’ve read the Secret Book of Dog Revenge.

    Ern: The roosters do a lot of crowing (maybe crowning, they won’t let me close enough to check), but I get up early, so no skin offen my ass.

  • Ern

    I hope there’s no crowing at 4am, BFE?

    (Crowing, not crowning…feel free to crown whenever you are able!)

  • said twat! heh

  • Squirl

    Yes, Ern, there is early morning crowing next door to Bucky. I was awakened by it myself once.

  • I live next door to the crazy chicken man. We’re not exactly zoned for farm critters here, but he keeps a pen full of exotic roosters and hens. He also has two pet raccoons in his basement, and a big sweet dog who looks really mean.

    I’ve actually gotten kind of fond of the chickens and the dog. I could do without the owner, but his critters are cool.

  • Ern

    squish–the rest of the neighborhood is pretty normal, which is probably why crazy cat lady stands out so much.

  • Andrea, my cats are rotten, too.

    I have spiders too, but they aren’t pets. They just moved in. Yuck.

  • this picture looks much prettier on my computer here at job #2 than it did on my computer at job #1. stupid job #1.

  • Ern, sounds like an interesting neighborhood.

  • Oh, I didn’t mention the cats. We have 5 of those rotten things.

    And lots of guppies, too.

    And sometimes spiders.

  • Ern

    We have a crazy cat lady who lives down the street from us. And most of her cats are white too.

    She is always out on her porch and she feeds the cats in, on, around, and under her car. Oh, and there is a tarp covering a hole in the roof of her house.

  • We used to have mice, but they “went on to their reward”, as my grandmother would say(if she hadn’t already gone on to her reward).

  • I, on the other hand, am the crazy lady with two dogs, two cats, 30 fish and one african spurred tortoise.

  • That andrea:

    Only 3? =)

    The lady who lives down the street from me has four white Akitas and one beagle.

    We call her the ‘crazy dog lady who lives down the street.’

  • Squish – powerful stuff indeed. Our first dog made us feel so bad about how understimulated he was that we got him a friend. And now we’re thinking about dog #3. It never ends. They’re taking over the house.

  • Re: chuck

    Pet related guilt can be very powerful.

  • Bear nosing out of the cave.

  • Dooce – sounds like Emily should come over for a playdate.

  • Beautiful picture!
    Yep, if I( saw that sky I’d move to the bathroom & fire up the portable radio. Nasty stuff a-comin’.
    Love & Peace, Clarence

  • I’ve lucked out. Not only does my hubby wear (colorful) boxers, but he does laundry.

  • I think men are in denial about their skidmarks… just like combovers. How do they not know how hideous it is?

  • I know, Cathi! And they all do it. They can deny it all they want, but every pair of men’s underwear I have ever seen looks like it was practically crapped in.

  • Henryk_

    Storm still brewing?? Speaking of brewing, I might get myself a cuppa coffee…mmmmmmm…coffeeeeeeeeeee

  • Thanks for the tip, U.B. I am definitely going to invest in some blue and black boxer briefs for my man. (He would kill me if he knew I was talking about his skidmarks.)

  • CanAmy, hahaha! You lock your kids in the basement? Mom, is that you?

  • Ern

    LadyBug: I don’t see why you can’t fit all that on a baby trucker hat! You might have to write small, but the looks from strangers would be worth it!

  • Ooo, I am so gonna start using the “touching the cloth” one now.

  • U.B.

    Katie — I’m a serial wiper (as opposed to ‘cereal’). No skid markage.

    Butt, I also recommend going with bitchin’ new drawers that aren’t white. Less visually disgusting if the hygiene is inadequate. No reason that ‘thighty-whiteys’ have to be white any more.

  • Dooce, can I get a trucker hat that says, “I didn’t exactly tear Mommy a new one, but I certainly expanded the one she already had” –? Or would that just be too much to fit on one little baby hat?

  • I have one question for you male Doocelings out there. Do men not wipe their butts? I ask this because every guy I have ever done laundry for has those despicable skid marks on their BVDs. Or does this have something to do with the practice of prairie dogging?

  • My all-time favorite is…

    Dude ~ I got one touching the cloth!

    Crowning, I think, shall be my new fave.

  • Ern

    It is hard to get the turtle’s head back in. But we have a friend that always says that. I guess his sphincter is more talented than mine!

  • Also favorites of mine: Spawn some sewer trout, pinch loaf, dump, and crap.

    My husband simply calls it “reading”. Because you know, nothing disgusting happens in the bathroom when HE’S in there! 😉

  • It’s really tough to pull the turtle’s head back in once he pokes it out.

    I like the phrase “prairie doggin” – that kind of sounds the same as “groundhoggin”

  • Ern

    They talk about “prarie-dogging it” in that movie Rat Race.

    I like turtle–turtle poked his head out and then pulled it back in!

    Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go drop the kids off at the pool….(you know, poop)

  • Well, yes, if I’m gone for more than a minute, I hear “Where’s Mommy?” then *knock knock* “Mom?! You een dare?”

  • My husband HATES it when I say I’m crowning. So I say it a lot and laugh jovially every time. Can’t wait to say it when it’s happening for real – if we ever make with the babies, that is.

  • Shiz said at 03:01PM, 02.23.2005:
    See, I just used to use the ol standby, “I REEEEEALLY gotta go. Like, really.”
    When at home I just say, “Mommy has to go potty. I’ll be back in a minute.” The next sound heard is the bathroom door locking.

    Ah… poop and peace and quiet.

  • CKelli….sounds like total bliss.

    MY stupid bathroom door doesn’t close all the way so if I want piece of poop quiet I have to lock them in the basement first. Then I have no intruders (save the ‘mud bunny’ (HA.)) but I still have to listen to the screams.

  • See, I just used to use the ol standby, “I REEEEEALLY gotta go. Like, really.”

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

read more