An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Happy Fourth Blog Birthday to this Behemoth of A Project

I’ve never celebrated my blog birthday (that sounds like a venereal disease, “That bastard gave me blog birthdays”) because the first year it happened to coincide with my being fired for the blog itself, and then after that it just didn’t seem to matter. Now, four years after I started, I realize that this website has lasted longer than any relationship I’ve ever been in. I don’t think I want to know what that says about me.

Usually I’ve celebrated the anniversary of the beginning of my unemployment, but this year I’ll celebrate the venereal disease.

Yesterday we went snowboarding again and I found myself in so many embarrassing positions, once twisted into a pretzel as I got off the lift. The lift operator had to stop the lift, get out of his hut, and assist Jon in freeing my legs from the board.

Thing is, I’m rarely very embarrassed anymore. At least not like I used to get. Maybe it’s age, maybe it’s all the poop I have to touch and pick up on a daily basis, but I don’t have that many embarrassing moments anymore, meaning that people are probably embarrassed for me all the time and I just don’t notice.

This is such a lame question, but this year I want to know about some of your most embarrassing moments. Here’s one of mine:

I was a teacher’s assistant my senior year in high school and one afternoon she didn’t have any papers for me to grade or lessons to help her plan, so I put my head down on my desk in the back of the room to take a quick nap. I had a dream that a I farted. It was such a violent dream that it woke me up rather abruptly and I hit the desk with both of my knees as I jerked awake. The desk moved almost a couple feet from the impact, and when I looked up at the class surrounding me, they were all laughing and staring in disbelief. I had actually farted, in my sleep, and it was was so explosive that the desk moved. And then I went on to give a speech at graduation.

Your turn.

  • LPF

    So #200 inspired me to remember another story…

    When we moved into our house three years ago, we totally underestimated the amount of time it would take to pack up our apartment. The movers arrived to find us still packing boxes and sorting through random crap.

    I was using our balcony as a storage place for junk still to be gone through when I realized that the little table and chairs we had out there needed to go in the truck. As I moved the table I saw that a tablecloth I had put there for a party months before had fallen between the table and the side of the balcony. I picked up the crumpled tablecloth and shook it out, only to find that wasps had made a nest in it.

    I had never been stung before in my life and now found myself swarmed with wasps. They were in my hair and down my shirt, stinging me. Screaming with terror (I really, really hate bugs), I went reeling back into the apartment. My husband came out of the bedroom to see me flailing about with a cloud of wasps around me.

    Just as the movers came back up the stairs and into our apartment, I ripped my shirt off, thinking that would dislodge the wasps. Luckily I had worn a bra that day! Thankfully I then had the bright idea to run into the shower and drown the wasps.

    With nine stings on my head and neck, it was amazing I didn’t have any reaction. But what was almost worse was remembering the look of shock on the faces of the two movers as I stripped off in front of them! I made sure to give them a good tip when the move was over.

  • Ok. In my early morning 6th grade English class, I unexpectedly vomited in my mouth but instead of excusing myself (I really couldn’t with a mouth full of vomit), I decided to swallow it to avoid an embarrassing moment. Thinking that I had gotten away with it, I relaxed a bit. But another rush of acrid burning fluid quickly came rising out of me. This time however, it was too much to hold thus spurting onto the desk in front of me. All eyes were on me, due to some pathetic sound I had made. At this point, I was absolutely mortified. At that time in my life, drawing any undue attention to myself was the last thing I wanted to do. I ran out of the room, not able to handle the situation but also to find a place to expell my stomach contents. Umm didn’t ..just kinda dropped it somewhere. One of the students from my class came after me, who was mildly amused and disgusted but pretented to be helpful.

    Not sure why but I went back into class. I tried to pretend nothing that unusual happened. I even sat back down at my puke sprayed desk. My teacher was like “Perhaps you should sit over here…” Class went on as usual but I was never the same.

  • Ok. In my early morning 6th grade English class, I un expectedly vomited in my mouth but instead of excusing myself (I really couldn’t with a mouth full of vomit), I decided to swallow it to avoid an embarrassing moment. Thinking that I had gotten away with it, I relaxed a bit. But another rush of acrid burning fluid quickly came rising out of me. This time however, it was too much to hold thus spurting onto the desk in front of me. All eyes were on me, due to some pathetic sound I had made. At this point, I was absolutely mortified. At that time in my life, drawing any undue attention to myself was the last thing I wanted to do. I ran out of the room, not able to handle the situation but also to find a place to expell my stomach contents. Umm didn’t ..just kinda dropped it somewhere. One of the students from my class came after me, who was mildly amused and disgusted but pretented to be helpful.

    Not sure why but I went back into class. I tried to pretend nothing that unusual happened. I even sat back down at my puke sprayed desk. My teacher was like “Perhaps you should sit over here…” Class went on as usual but I was never the same.

  • Super Aardvark

    Ugh, MonoCerdo’s story (77) reminded me… Basically the same idea, except I was waiting in the left turn lane. The arrow turned green, but some of the cars crossing the intersection from the right were impatient, and decided to sneak through as the light turned from yellow to red for them. This is a pet peeve of mine, and as I went ahead and turned left anyway, I realized I was cutting someone off! This stream of cars STILL hadn’t stopped! So I honked at them and continued on my way, angry and amazed at how stupid people can be.

    I was going a bit faster than traffic, and so was passing this stream of cars (4-lane road). And then I see it: that car up ahead has these little orange flags on its antennas. And the car in front of that has them too, and the next, about 6 of them. And the little orange flags have a cross on them, and say “FUNERAL”. And one of those vehicles is a hearse.

    I wanted to apologize, but there wasn’t much I could do. I just continued on my way, angry and amazed at how stupid I can be.

  • Cristina

    Ah jeez. I am totally going to have to read all of these comments. Maybe they will make me feel better about the story I am about to tell.

    I majored in fashion design. At the end of the year there is a fashion show at the local mall and the seniors present their collections. We watch most of the show from the audience but towards the end we go backstage so we can walk out on stage with our models. While we are preparing to present our collections they announce the winner of Designer of the Year. Well, its me and everyone backstage is trying to get me to go out onstage to accept the award. Well, I know that its dark out there and I am pretty sure I wont be able to see very well to walk over to the emcee, but everyone keeps pressuring me, so I walk out there onto the runway in front of about 600 people, and lo and behold, its dark and I cant see the way to the podium. But what to do? Stand there like a fool and wave like Miss America? No, I walk over to the podium and I cant see the chasm between the runway and the podium and I BIT IT. Flat on my face in front of 600 people while attempting to accept the biggest and most important award ever presented to me. Nice work.

    My proudest accomplishment is marred by the fact that I am a giant klutz. The only nice thing is the video that the school made and sold of the event has the part of me falling edited out.

    Oh the shame.

  • Mortally embarassing, although equally hilarious.

    My girlfriend and I were at her cousin’s house, along with a couple guy friends of ours. We’re in the garage, drinking, smoking, playing pool – as all 16 – 17 year-olds do, right?
    I farted. Not loud, but loud enough where we ALL heard it. My friend and I start laughing hysterically. The two guys with us start laughing as well, and it suddenly becomes clear that they think SHE did it and not me.

    So there she was going “It was her, I swear!!!” and they were both standing there going, “OH Sure it was!”

    Meanwhile I am not only dying of embarassment but also laughing so hard I couldn’t get a breath to say a word. If they remember it, I’m sure they still think it was her.

  • My most embarassing moment:

    My sister Valerie and I were spending the day on ‘the strip’ in Las Vegas. Our flight was at midnight, so we had a serious amount of time to kill. The good thing about Valerie and I is that we have shit-faced-drunk-level fun, without a drop of alcohol, which is a good thing, because we didn’t have a drop of money, anyway.

    So we’re on ‘the strip,’ we’re genuinely amused that the people feel the need to applaud the ‘talented mechanical fountains’ at The Bellagio. We’re also amused by the Bobby Darin and Frank Sinatra soundtrack. So we cross the street to The Paris and the fountains start up again. I decide that this would be a FABULOUS moment to exercize my dance muscle.

    So I danced. And danced and danced and danced. The cars passed and I boogied down, amused with all the attention, but glad that the cars were passing. I danced through the entire song, feeling dorky, but having a blast.

    When the song ended I turned around and saw that there was a restaurant patio, PACKED with diners, all watching my dance performance, less than THREE FEET from my rather sizeable behind.

    I laughed so hard I peed. And I nearly died of embarassment.

  • And another one…
    In 11th grade, we had a junior/senior ski trip. Only the point of the trip was not to ski, but drink. We had a bus ride up to Montreal. And screwdrivers packed in out “ski gear”. My friends and I, the self-appointed bad girls of our grade, were amidst seniors, who could hold their liquor. I proceeded to get so drunk, I was passed out in the laps of hot senior boys, who were most likely taking advantage. Had that been the worst, I could have dealt. I became SO sick, they had to pull the entire bus over JUST FOR ME, so I could puke in the bathroom at McDonald’s somewhere in the boonies of Maine. The whole bus pulled over, so Lori MacGregor could puke, and Julia and Shannon could hold my hair. And that was only the beginning of the trip.

  • a

    well I don’t know if anyone will read this far down, but this is the first thing that came to my mind, though it’s probably not THE most embarrassing moment of all time (but it makes a decent story):

    In my 7th grade science class, the teacher asked us to pair off and come up with a lesson plan to teach some topic in biology to the rest of the class. I was already labeled an outcast, loser, whatever back then, and pairing off with the only other person in the class low enough on the social ladder didn’t help. This also didn’t help:

    Part of the assignment was to come up with something entertaining/creative for the class to do. So we decided to make a seek and find (one of those puzzles with a grid of letters and you circle words in them.)

    I made it up, and as I was creating it, my 7th grade mind thought it’d be really cute to put a little message in the letter grid, somewhere it’d be pretty visible. Just for kicks, ya know. How about, “HI THERE” So I put “HI THERE” right in the bottom center, thinking people would see it and be amused.

    We made the photocopies and passed the sheets to everyone and went through the presentation as planned, but suddenly the entire class was giggling. I looked at someone’s sheet, and what I had failed to realize was that I had accidentally put an “S” in front of my little message.

    Thus, HI THERE became SHIT HERE.

    As if my already negative popularity meter didn’t need to drop a few more points. 😛

  • Sebastian

    Crap. I guess there’s no way around posting this:

    It was the eighth grade and some classmates and I were taking turns at the long jump area of the track. I take my turn, and as I take off for the jump, I fart loud enough for my five or so classmates and my teacher can hear. I hit the ground to roaring laughter and my teacher says to me,”Afterburners!”

  • p-hawk

    Best story I’ve ever heard;

    A priest I know had been a priest for, oh, maybe a year, and he was going to do a baptism. He was talking to the family while he was getting ready, and in the course of the conversation he found out that the new parents were first cousins. So he jokingly said, “I hope she doesn’t have six fingers!”

    Sure enough, she DID have six fingers on each hand. They were all quiet for a little bit. Finally the grandfather slapped the priest on the back and said, “Well, let’s go baptize the little mutant!”

  • p-hawk

    This isn’t technically about me being embarrassed, but one day in speech class a girl started to give a speech. She had talked for about five seconds when the teacher stopped her and said, “Stand up straight. You look like you have scoliosis or something.”

    “I have scoliosis.” (she had given a huge presentation on it in eighth grade, and brought in her back brace and everything).

    The teacher was bright, bright red. We didn’t laugh until after class.

  • p-hawk

    First my embarrassing story:

    I was in a Catholic College Seminary. The school choir, of which I was a member, was touring in Europe for eleven days. Being not yet 21, of course we hit the bars. One night I leaned over to a soprano and said, in a loud voice, “Elaine, I will not make out with you!”

    I have a couple of other people’s embarrassing stories I’ll post next.

  • Too many to count…
    Inspired by post 207, there was the time I was getting my learner’s permit at the DMV, and instead of asking my mother if she had remembered to bring my birth certificate, I asked – and loud enough for the entire line of 16 year olds to hear – if she remembered to bring my birth control.
    Then there was the time I was in 9th grade, and all the sophomore boys tied me up in chains at the basketball game. Literally, in the bleachers in front of the entire school at a big game – they tied me in chains.
    Happy b-day/anniv Dooce.

  • jen

    Pete, I think I just ruptured something. That has GOT to be one of the funniest things I have ever read!!

  • Stacey

    #208 Pete… LMAO I have tears streaming down my face… Black dong… AAAAAaaahahahhaaa

  • Paying for my daughter’s Happy Meal. A condom stuck, to the $5 bill in my wallet, flipped out onto the counter. Not a pretty foiled “chicklets-looking” condom packet. Clear packet, flesh colored condom swimming in its own little k-y jelly ooz. The cashier handed it back to me with my change and asked if that “..would be for here or to go.”

  • This is the first time I posted here, hope you don’t mind – but I looooove to hear embarrassing stories.

    Here’s mine:
    When I was 19 and out partying with friends at a restaurant, I had consumed too much food and beer and began to feel queazy, so ran to find the bathroom. As I sprinted past diners my stomach convulsed, my mouth watered until I dashed into the bathroom, pushed open a stall door and threw up –

    all over the beehive haired head of a woman sitting on a toilet with her underwear around her knees.

  • Amy

    I love all the toddler stories – Heather – you have so many funny stories coming to you as soon as Leta starts talking…
    My most embarassing moment was being 9 months pregnant and walking through the airport holding my friend’s newborn baby. People were staring at me as if to say, “holy crap – lady, did you just have that baby because it looks like you still have two in there or something. Get your ass back to the hospital!” I couldn’t give my friend back her baby fast enough!

  • I’ll just copy and paste part of what I wrote on my blog today:

    “A couple years back when I was about to go to Las Vegas for spring break, I decided to go tanning for a few sessions. I just thought it’d be kind of neat to try it, and I also wanted to look extra sexy at the black jack tables.

    Becky recommended that I use tanning lotion, so I bought the best one money could buy and headed out to the tanning salon. I did as the bottle instructed, applying it liberally to all exposed parts of my skin.

    But then came the question of what to do about my penis. I was totally naïve about the whole lotion thing—I thought it was supposed to protect your skin from UV-radiation and stuff, NOT ENHANCE THE TANNING EFFECTS. So, me mistakingly thinking I’m protecting myself from UV-rays, I put gobs and gobs of the lotion on my cock ‘n balls. Thinking that I never want to have children with hands growing out of their foreheads, I made sure every part of my cock ‘n balls was covered by the lotion. ‘Cause I’ll be damned if any son of mine is a mutant.

    Knowing that I was only coming in to tan for just a few sessions, I emptied half of the bottle onto my genitals. There, I thought. Let’s see ultra-violet radiation get through this!

    My penis was practically plastered to the side of my thigh, lotion oozing and dripping onto the tanning bed. Fifteen minutes later, I was shocked by what I saw.

    I now had a black dong. Everywhere else on my body, I thoroughly looked Asian. But if your eyes wandered below the waist, I had Afro-dick. It was so bizarre. I was wondering if my penis—which I affectionately called Quasimodo—should now be called Jerome. Or Jamal. Or Malcolm X.”

    Permanent link to that story is here:

  • When I was fifteen, I was was doing an exhibition with the flag corps in front of the entire school. As a danced and tossed my way to the front of the auditorium, my flag caught the front of my shirt, and I raised my arms, thus revealing not only my nipples underneath my see-through bra, but also the duct tape I had used to secure the cleavage I so desperately wanted/needed. There was a gasp throughout the crowd, followed by stunned silence as I pulled my shirt down and continued with the program. Every single message in my yearbook is addressed to ‘The Streak.’

    Years later, during the two days I spent as a telemarketer, I rang the home of Mr. Simpson, only to reach his (very masculine sounding) baby-sitter. In a moment of sheer humiliation, I meant to ask, “Does he have a wife I can SPEAK with?” But what came out of my mouth was more like, “Does he have a wife I can sleep with?”

    Needless to say, it’s all gone downhill from there.

  • Stacey

    Since we’re all admitting about farts… Sometimes the position I sit in makes my butt cheeks tight, and when I fart, my fart comes towards the front and right into my twinkie. I don’t like that.

  • Thanks so much for the great blog and especially for opening up comments! My most embarassing moment had to be my freshman year at college. I was riding my ten speed (HA) on campus when I saw the football team gathered for a meeting in a common area. I glanced their way…ok stared…and ran straight into a brick wall and fell off my bike. They all looked over and laughed. I tucked tail and walked the wrecked ten speed back to the dorm (dorm dooce dork…hmmm)… and again thanks for the best damn blog ever.

  • Just one? Because I have a ton…

    When I was eighteen (married AND pregnant) my dad decided I needed to learn to drive a car. I was petrified. He gave me a ’69 Rambler and did his best to teach me. On one of my first solo drives, I decided to take it through the automatic car wash. When the scrubbers started spinning, I thought that the car had started moving and tried to shift into park. I actually shifted from park to reverse and hit the side of the building. I had to back up and go forward five or six times before I could get out. An attendent started running after me when I finally got out, but I kept on going with my car covered in suds. The car wash was closed for repairs for WEEKS. I felt so guilty, but was too embarrassed to go back.

    Of course, now that I’m older I have the pleasure of being embarrassed by my kids. Just last week, I was visiting with some other parents following the PTA meeting when the PTA President pointed out that my four year old had gotten his foot stuck behind the baby’s back in the stroller after he lifted his leg up to fart on his brother’s head. Nice.

  • At a hockey game, I stood up to exclaim my disbelief in the ref, or a awesome check..or something like that. When I went to sit down, my seat had folded back up and I sat flat on my ass on the floor, in front of 6000 or so people.

  • Stacey

    I was pretty embarassed a couple of years ago.. I went to see Slight of Mind (my cousin’s husband’s band)rehearse. I was sitting in front of the drums and my cousin was beside me. They were practicing and every time Dennis hit the bass drum, a puff of air escaped from it and blew my bangs. I was leaning talking to my cousin, but loud so she could hear me and they stopped playing at the exact moment I said “Dennises drums are giving me a” *stop music* “BLOW JOB”
    The guys all wanted to know about that.

  • When I was a little girl (3 or 4 maybe, my parents were still married so I know I was really young) I used to follow my mother into the bathroom and talk to her while she peed. One night I was in my room playing quietly because my parents had some friends over to play cards. I heard what I thought was my mother opening the bathroom door and going in. I thought, “I’m bored and lonely and mommy won’t mind if I go into the bathroom to talk to her.” I crossed the hallway in my footed pajamas and opened the bathroom door. It wasn’t Mommy. It was my father and he was the first man I’d even seen peeing. I didn’t know about wee-wees and hoo-hoos and I didn’t understand why he was standing up. I thought something very weird was going on. I slammed the bathroom door shut and went running into the living room exclaiming, “Mommy, Mommy, Daddy is peeing through his thumb.” My mother still jokes to this day about how small my father’s you-know was. Our company was still over and aparantly something I’d said was funny because they kept laughing while my mother stifled her giggles and walked me back to my bed room. We passed my red faced father in the hallway. That was the end my following ANYONE into the bathroom.

  • Paula

    Before I got my drivers license I use to ride my 10 speed bike to work as a teen. On my way home one day as I was nearly home in the subdivision where we lived, I saw a large, black, bug headed in my direction and I knew there was no avoiding it. This large, black bug flew down my polo style top and it stung me between ‘the girls’. I had stopped my bike and I could see the bugs stinger poking thu my shirt so I promptly lifted my top up to see this huge wasp fly away. Standing there in the street with my top in my hands I see three guys washing a Mustang in a driveway just stopped in their tracks not moving a muscle starring at me. I avoided riding my bike down that street for years!

  • I was teaching summer shool in the hottest of summers in a school without air conditioning (Dark Ages). I ran to the bathroom between the first 2-hour class and the next one, racing back to class in 100 degree heat. Pretty soon, I heard twittering. “Stop that,” I demanded. Finally, an hour into the class one kid in the back, a derelict who had flunked English during the regular school year, said, “Miss, I can’t let you go on. You’ve tucked your dress into your underwear.” Yep, big white surrender-the-country granny panties.

  • nextcommercial

    I was teaching at a Christian school. I was young and mindnumbingly innocent.

    My new Sister in law’s younger Brother (My brother in law-in-law) had been asking me out for months now.

    I was walking my students from Chapel to the classroom when I saw Mike (brother in lay in law) in the Foyer of the chapel. He said “Hey, I got a good job! We can get married now!” (only half joking I think) Well, not only did that embarrass me….I didn’t like the red headed geek. So I said “That would be insest”.

    An hour later, my one legged pastor walked into my classroom, asked if he could talk to me. SURE! He sat his long one leg in a tiny chair meant for six year olds and asked (one legged pastor)”Do you know what insest means?” (me) “It means when you marry your brother in law…widely accepted in Tennessee” (one legged pastor) “Um, no it means having sex with an immediate family member” (also widely accepted in Tennessee) (me) “Really?” (one legged pastor) “Yes, and I was hosting a group of pastors from Kansas, and they nearly choked when they heard your comment..not to mention you embarrassed poor Mike” Poor Mike my ass!

  • Is there some award if we have the stupidest one?

    I used to jump horses. I had one that would drop a front leg and knock the bar off. So one show, I decided to jump a higher jump than he was used to so he would hit it and then pick his feet up. He hit it at his knees, flipped over, and catapulted me off–all in front of a riding instructor I wanted to impress. My hip didn’t work right after that. The instructor asked me if I was all right. I said yes, and limped off to get my horse.

  • Jenny

    Two stories: one about me, one about my cousin.

    8th grade- cold winter night and me and my sisters were arriving at school for a play. I had a dress on and fell on my ass when getting out of the car. My skirt flew up, of course and it was in front of two male students, OF COURSE…but even worse was that I was on my period and still using pads. I had on pink silk panties but all they saw was the white pad through my panties so the next day at school they told everyone about my “white bloomers”. At least they didn’t know what they REALLY saw…

    First year of college, at a party in a frat house. My cousin and her boyfriend went up to a bedroom to be alone. After about an hour, Mike (my cousin’s boyfriend) appears in the crowd. I looked at him in horror and asked, “where’s Laura?” Mike had dried blood in his nostrils, at the corners of his mouth and under his fingernails. As he was saying “she’s in the restroom”, Laura walked up beside us and threw her coat over Mike because she had just discovered what we were finding out, she had started her period in that dark bedroom and they didn’t know it 🙂

  • I think my most embarrassing moments come when my brain says one thing and my mouth says another. We were out to dinner at a small town eatery and passed an elderly man who had a beautiful pin in the center of his hat. It was obviously an award from a fishing tournament. I pointed it out to my dinnermates exhorting them to look at the pin, which was a depiction of a large mouth bass. But what came out of my mouth was ‘large mouse bath.’ The next day the artiste in the group drew me a picture to commemorate the occasion:

    And yes, I’ve had many other embarrassing moments, but you’ll have to stop by my blog and see if I ever get the balls to post them…

  • I was almost a year late getting my driver’s license… back when I just had to be doing what everyone else was doing. So that was tragic enough… at least at the time. Not even two weeks after I got my license (I didn’t even have the picture one yet) I was driving home from some property my family owned about an hour from house. My best friend was in the car with me and we were just picking something up for my parents before heading out for the evening. We were talking and I was distracted. Before I knew it I was doing 80 on a 60 mph stretch of highway in The Middle-of –Nowhere, Texas. Naturally at the same time I noticed my speed, I noticed the lights of highway patrol coming up behind me. I pulled over and started to panic. While the officer was looking at my information, I threw open the car door. The officer was not happy with that and was shouting at me to shut the door. I couldn’t hold it in. I was so nervous I vomited all over the ground below me and his boots, which were in the way. He asked if I was ok and if I had been drinking. Then he interrogated me on why I was out in The Middle-of-Nowhere, Texas when I lived an hour’s drive away on mostly open highway. Nothing I said made me appear innocent. I was asked to do an on sight breathalyzer test. After I passed, he wrote me a ticket and asked if I was ok to drive the rest of the way home.

  • Teachers embarrass themselves all the time. I can’t remember the worst time, so instead I’ll add my most embarrassing date to the mix. It’s here:

    (It’s too long for comments, and was written already so why repeat it?)

    It was more embarrassing for him than for me, but that’s not saying much. And I’d still like an explanation.

  • Em

    Once I was planning to go to a modern dance class (which in itself is pretty fucking embarrassing) and when I got there, the class was already in progress. I ran in and started throwing myself around, trying to pick up what seemed to be a pretty advanced dance routine.

    Finally everyone stopped, the teacher looked at me and said “this is the ADVANCE class, the BEGGINER CLASS starts in five minutes.”

  • Laurie

    I was dating this guy and we were going away for the weekend. It would be our first overnight, we hadn’t done the deed yet..and I was a little nervous. So we are in the hotel room, it’s time to get ready for bed, and being a fairly modest person I’m a little worried about the whole getting undressed and getting into bed thing. He heads to the bathroom and I’m thinking “yes!” an opportunity to get naked and under the covers before he comes out. So I quickly undress and hop under the covers just in the nick of time. Out he comes…strutting around, obviously very comfortable with his nakeness. He finally gets into bed, and rolls over towards me only to say “Hey, where are you?” I then realized that there was a sheet between us. OH. MY. GOD! You know how hotels don’t use fitted sheets? They use a flat sheet instead and just tuck it around the mattress? Yep…you guessed it, in my haste to get under those covers, I had pulled one too many sheets down and was under the bottom sheet. Shit. No I have to get out of bed, and remake it, naked as a blue jay, while the bf laughs his ass off. I still blush to this day when I think of that…and it was over 25 years ago! LOL

  • Ian

    wow, you opened comments back up. awesome…

    why the change?

  • ladyalaska

    I love the picture of you guys!! Post more!

  • I was going up the escalator, coming out of the subway station, during morning rush hour. While I was standing there, I felt something slip down my leg. I have no idea what it is, so I shake my leg and look down, What do I see? A pair of my underwear rolls out of my pant leg onto the foot of the guy behind me….

    Apparently, static cling worked its evil magic and the undies had been clinging to the inside of my pant leg all morning.

    I just pretended it didn’t come from me and just walked away — very quickly.

  • nancy

    ice skating at rockefeller center and crashing into a pudgey girl is on the top of list. it was the holiday season and the rink is always packed.

  • I once called one of my teachers a lesbian and she was standing right behind me. She and I had to have a serious conversation about sexuality, even though I’m gay and I’ve been there. It was awful.

    Happy Birthday, Lady Dooce.

  • jw

    I live a very quiet and benign life. I guess the most embarrassing thing happened last night when I screamed out my best friend’s name. And I was, um, “with” my husband.

  • nzle

    until i actually got it, i thought that when you were on your period you just peed blood, and that’s why you had to wear ‘diapers’….yeah.

  • Read my last blog entry…

    Basically, my boss came to ask if I wassick. I turned to look at him and threw up all over my desk!

  • When I was a teenager, I played the side drum in a marching bagpipes band. Yeah, I know, dorksville. But it was fun.
    Anyway, one day we were waiting our turn to march in an Australia Day parade. All the different floats and marching bands were on this huge sports oval, and as each group joined the parade, they would march down the middle of the oval, then out onto the road where the parade was.
    Anyway, I am stuffing around with my friends when I hear my evil nemesis, Country Music. I turn around to see that the next “float” is a truck with a Country and Western band on the back of it, and behind and in front of the truck is boot scooters. Being a teenager, and a bitch, I start to heckle. I am slapping my thigh, and screaming yeah-hah, while all my friends laugh. I am so loud and raukous that everyone on the oval is looking at me. So to take the heckiling up a notch, I jump into the air to click my heels. Just as the heels are clicking, a gust of wind blows my kilt up around my face, leaving my HOT PINK undies for all to see. I die of embarrassment, EVERYONE ELSE dies of laughter.

  • jen

    Even though there was no one around to see this, it’s still embarassing.

    In a bid to be healthier and also to aid in the ease of pooping, I had started eating a lot of bran cereal. Every morning before I went to the bathroom I would go into the kitchen to get the coffee started so that by the time I was done in the bathroom, the coffee would be ready. As I was making the coffee on this particular day, a day or two after starting my all bran all the time regimen, I had a very strong sudden urge, yeah, THAT urge. I was determined to finish my coffee preparations and so ignored the urgency of that special tingling feeling. The next thing I knew there was this huge SPLAT, and I do mean SPLAT, not a wussy little lower-case splat. I stood staring at the floor in complete shock and surprise. Shock and surprise quickly turned to disgust.

    I don’t often tell this story, and I usually wait until at least the second date before I do. So be honoured interweb, I’m sharing it with you.

  • Office Christmas Party. Skirt caught up in my waistband after I went to the bathroom right after I arrived. Nobody told ME about it until the next day. Then EVERYBODY thought I should know.

  • sarah

    I have a couple:
    Swimming at school camp, got period, girl I hated came up and told me there was blood running down my leg…..but she didn’t think anyone else had noticed….uh huh..I tried very valiantly to drown myself….

    Walking into uni class with the requisite toilet paper hanging out of my skirt. To this day I have no idea how I missed that….mind you, I was 8 months pregnant at the time…

  • Mary T.

    I think my most embarrassing moment revolves around farting at school too. I was in the tried grade and we were having an indoor recess because of bad weather. I was working a puzzle off to the side and out of nowhere I farted *incredibly* loud. They all laughed at me and I’ll admit, I cried a little. Cut me some slack on the crying; I was eight!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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