An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Happy Fourth Blog Birthday to this Behemoth of A Project

I’ve never celebrated my blog birthday (that sounds like a venereal disease, “That bastard gave me blog birthdays”) because the first year it happened to coincide with my being fired for the blog itself, and then after that it just didn’t seem to matter. Now, four years after I started, I realize that this website has lasted longer than any relationship I’ve ever been in. I don’t think I want to know what that says about me.

Usually I’ve celebrated the anniversary of the beginning of my unemployment, but this year I’ll celebrate the venereal disease.

Yesterday we went snowboarding again and I found myself in so many embarrassing positions, once twisted into a pretzel as I got off the lift. The lift operator had to stop the lift, get out of his hut, and assist Jon in freeing my legs from the board.

Thing is, I’m rarely very embarrassed anymore. At least not like I used to get. Maybe it’s age, maybe it’s all the poop I have to touch and pick up on a daily basis, but I don’t have that many embarrassing moments anymore, meaning that people are probably embarrassed for me all the time and I just don’t notice.

This is such a lame question, but this year I want to know about some of your most embarrassing moments. Here’s one of mine:

I was a teacher’s assistant my senior year in high school and one afternoon she didn’t have any papers for me to grade or lessons to help her plan, so I put my head down on my desk in the back of the room to take a quick nap. I had a dream that a I farted. It was such a violent dream that it woke me up rather abruptly and I hit the desk with both of my knees as I jerked awake. The desk moved almost a couple feet from the impact, and when I looked up at the class surrounding me, they were all laughing and staring in disbelief. I had actually farted, in my sleep, and it was was so explosive that the desk moved. And then I went on to give a speech at graduation.

Your turn.

  • Happy Blogiversary!!

    I took out an entire J-bar line on my first trip skiing. Not only did they have to stop the bar and untangle me they also had to send a few of my victims for medical attention.

  • Jim

    Similar to Alex, I was at a business meeting when a colleague sneezed. Trying to be a gentleman I offered her the handkerchief that was in my suit pocket.

    Unfortunately, it wasn’t a hanky after all, but instead they were my fiance’s pantyhose which she took off at a wedding reception (“These things ARE KILLING ME!”) and gave to me to put in my pocket. I had a hard time explaining why I had an extra pair of nylons in my suit pocket.

  • I once mentioned something to a woman at a bar who was not drinking. “Well, I guess you can’t in your condition.”

    She was not pregnant.

    Since then, I make no mention of any female being in the family way unless I see a baby emerging from between her legs.

  • LaE

    Blog-related and VERY recent:

    I started seeing this guy here in Europe and through his blog found his girlfriend’s blog (what! girlfriend?) back in the States and started to read it almost obsessively. Then the other day I found a post on her site about me obsessively lurking- she had tracked me through statcounter. Yikes! So I revealed myself and now we’re like, friendly, so whatever. But still.

    Also: farted during a performance review at a job, years ago. Loud, but not stinky.

  • At my son’s bris, in front of all of my family and friends, I passed out when the doctor handed me my son’s foreskin and said, “Bury this.”

  • Kerri

    I was not exactly the best athlete in high school, but I did like to try. I played soccer as a freshman…During one game a ball went flying into the air with an arc that made it clear I was going to have to try to get it with my head. The really unfortunate thing was that the ball and I were going to have to do this right in front of the bleachers, which were packed with people – including BOYS. Well, the inevitable happened: I jumped up to head the ball, and missed it entirely, which is probably one of the most awkward looking movements known to man. While the people in the bleachers laughed I tried to run it off like I wasn’t embarrassed. As Miss Heather probably knows, it is damned tough being a gangly tall teenage girl (but we get some benefits out of it later, don’t we Dooce?).

  • kat

    I was at a summer conference in Michigan where a bunch of us “professionals” decided to have a water gun fight on campus. Just as the fight began – it started to downpour. So – we all run inside and everyone makes it, except me because I fall flat on my ass in the foyer from the slick tiles. So there I am, bighting back tears and staring up into the surprised faces of my peers. God my ass hurt. I was 27.

    Happy blog birthday!

  • I was teaching a class when I was a graduate student. After class, one of my students came up to me:

    “Ms. Blanchard, you know how you told us to tell you if you ever got chalk on your face?”


    “Well, your skirt’s not zipped all the way up.”

    I reached around to my butt and zipped my skirt up. The good news is that I had on underwear. The bad news is that it was some of my ugliest granny bloomers I owned, white with little blue flowers on it.

    That was about 5 years ago. I always check my zipper before class. (My husband just pointed out that before we were married and he was visiting me in NC from LA, I walked around the airport with my skirt tucked into my thong.)

    Honestly, I have tons of embarrassing moments. Like milking my own boob at work on Friday because I forgot my breast pump. The butt trumps the boob though because I didn’t milk my boob in class or in an airport.

  • I was at the local waterpark and after a long wait, it was finally our turn to ride Brand New Popular Water Ride. It basically consisted of a vertical drop in an raft thing, so the guy working it warned us to keep our chins to our chests.
    Yeah, sure, whatever, I say. We plummet down and sure enough my head flies back and makes a terrible THUMP on the ride. All of the hundreds of people in the queue line witness this and simultaneously go: “Ooooooooh!”

    When the ride is over, I get up out of the tube; yeah, don’t worry everyone, I’m okay, it’s cool.

    Then I lose my balance and fall. By now, the crowd has grown to thousands of people and now every single one is laughing at me. To make things worse, let’s just pretend my crush was there. And it was my period, why not.

    Obviously, I have not gone back to that ride since.

  • Here’s two for the price of one, both from high school because, you know, that’s when you do the most embarrassing stuff. Anyway.

    There was a very, very, very hot and young teacher in my highschool, Mr. D. Almost every hormonal high school girl had a crush on him. One day, in a hurry (as I often was–I was constantly flattening people against the lockers as I tore through the hallways), I blazed by the Guidance office door just as Mr. D was coming out. Not only did I body slam him, but also, red with embarrasment and trying to run away, I realized that I had my wrist stuck through the lanyard on his keychain, which was hanging out his back pocket. Read as: my wrist was on his ass.

    #2: a ski story, to follow the theme: I had an epic crush on a boy named Adam from about fourth grade until sophomore year of high school. In eighth grade, we were on a school ski trip and waiting for the chair lift to go up the measly mountain. I stepped forward, but for some unknown reason, Adam hung back. Maybe he wanted to wait for someone else, maybe he just didn’t want to ride with me, but I decided I would wait, too. I sidestepped, thinking I’d avoiding the path of the chair. Next thing I knew, I was flat on my face, the incoming chair having RUN ME OVER. They had to stop the lift, then Adam and I had to ride up the mountain together and it was not romantic at all.

    Happy anniversary!

  • What a coincidence – I just wrote about one of my most humiliating moments ever over on my blog. Go check it out people and gimme some damn traffic!!

  • This is probably not the most embarrassing moment, but for some reason the most memorable. When I was about 10 I was a cheerleader on one of those squads for kids. It was already pretty embarrassing that I was the tallest and largest girl on the squad. Anyway, we had to do this cute little cheer where we kicked our leg up in the air. In a 10 year old pure adrenaline rush I kicked as hard as I could and my shoe flew off and ended up hitting someone in the stands.

  • can’t fart anymore

    My horrific story also relates to farting and happened when I was about 13 and was in Salt Lake City to visit my brother who lived there at the time. We were at a party at his boss’s house and we were all outside playing that ridiculous croquet lawn game. It was my turn to hit the ball and I was desperately trying to impress this hot 14-year-old boy I had my eye on. Just as I hit the ball with the mallet, the most ripping fart ever came out of my ass. For a moment, I thought that maybe – just maybe – the sound of the mallet hitting the ball covered the sound that just came out of my butt. But no… hell no. Everyone stared at me in silence and then a few people actually started to laugh. If that happened to me, say last week, I would have joined in on the laughing too. But as a geeky 13-year-old, all I could do was run inside before the tears could hit the ground. Sadly enough, the boy actually felt sorry for me and came in to ask if I had a stomach ache. I think I have only farted like once in the 17 years proceeding that horrific event. Now, my husband makes fun of me because I CAN’T fart. Perhaps I have just trained myself not to.

  • As a preteen, I took gymnastics. I was pretty good and could do back handsprings and eleven thousand cartwheels in a row.

    Most of the girls in my gymnastics class had slim, athletic bodies.
    They didn’t bother wearing a bra under their t-shirts to class, so I figured I shouldn’t have to, either. This was a mistake because I had boobs.

    During mat practice, I ran across the mat and turned a cartwheel. My t-shirt flew up, exposing my chest to the entire gymnasium.

    My instructor, a man whose name I have blocked from memory since that day, said, “Hey, Danielle, you might want to think about WEARING A BRA TO CLASS FROM NOW ON!”

    If I knew the word “motherfucker” back then, I’m sure I would have called him one.

    Instead, I ran to the locker room, sobbing, and never returned. It was the worst, most embarrassing moment of my life and I still have boob issues to this day because of it.

    Over the years, though, I’ve honed the skill of embarrassing myself in public to a fine art form.

  • poopedmypants

    When I was 15 years old I had a horrible attack of diarrhea while driving down a busy street in my boyfriend’s Jeep. I lost all control of my bowels and pooped ALL OVER THE SEAT! He had to hose out the poop! It was that bad. Life doesn’t get more embarrassing than that.

  • I was at Costco w/ my hubby browsing through the books, completely unaware of my surroundings. Without looking up, I moved closer to my husband who was nearby and gently leaned my head on his shoulder.

    Problem: It wasn’t my husband. (!) Unbeknownst to me, my real hubby had gone around the isle of books and was now at the opposite end, on the other side of the store!

    The man I had just gotten cozy with jumped 3 feet into the air, looked at me like I had the plague, said “You’ve completely lost it lady!” and fled.

    If no one else had witnessed this, I probably could have laughed my way out of it, but *several* people, including my hubby saw the whole thing and laughed their asses off.

    I was completely mortified. This happened over 15 years ago but to this day, whenever I think about it, I do a little heebie dance inside.


    In other more happy news: Happy Blogiversary, Dooce! Here’s to many, many more!

  • Well I don’t know how embarrassed I was because I was laughing too hard to be embarrassed. My last year in college our instructor arranged for us to go to a drug identification seminar about three hours from home. It was a three night getaway with my classmates, who were also my best friends. There were four of us girls, my instructor, one boy from our class, a guy who worked in my instructors lab and a police officer who worked in the crime lab. Naturally every night we were drunk and every day we were hung over.

    On our way home we all stopped at a McDonalds to eat. We were sitting on one of those long benches. I was sitting at the very end. I was tired and hung over and I did this before I thought about it. Just as my friend who was sitting next to me looked over at me, I lifted one side of my ass and ripped the loudest fart of my life. It ECHOED! What was even funnier was that the police officer was sitting on the other end of the bench (about 4 people away from me) and he said he felt the bench vibrate.

    Oh my god. I’m laughing so hard right now just thinking about it and it was 3 years ago.

  • Having to speak at commencement in the fall. Or, well, thinking my partner had the speech and she thought I had the speech and well, no one had the speech. I had to run off stage in front of 400 of my peers, teachers and parents… And then the VPs made fun of me on the microphone.

    At least I’m not afraid of public speaking anymore…

  • I worked as a travel agent for all of 8 months. One day after lunch a young couple came in to inquire about some plane tickets. As I cheerfully looked up fares and chatted with them, smiling broadly the entire time I noticed they were looking at me with a look of shock mixed with horror. I had no idea what their deal was so I continued with the transaction. After they left I went to the back to get some more water and happened to glance in the mirror. There, stuck to my one cock-eyed tooth was an entire bean hull from the bean burrito I had for lunch. Tres Classy!

  • I was taking a night class to learn Spanish and of course, I was at home until the last minute doing the homework that was due, so I was in my flannel pajama pants (they were cute, which is my excuse for wearing them out of the house). My period chose that evening to start and I didn’t have any protection. I was called up to the board to do some exercises and let’s just say the professor sent me home at the break to change.

  • Hmmm . . . most embarrassing? That’s tough. I tend to embarrass easily.

    OK, I’ve got one! Prom night, 1983. My date and I have bailed on the prom and gone to the parking lot of the YMCA. I didn’t have to be home until some insance hour like 4 a.m., and I sure wasn’t going home one minute earlier. He brought an alarm clock and set it for a few minutes before 4.

    Next thing I knew, I was waking up with bright lights flooding into the car. My date stepped out of the car to explain to the friendly policeman why we were taking a nap in the YMCA parking lot. Yep, that’s when the alarm clock went off!

  • Happy VD Day!

    I was at a play one day with my Mom (‘My Fair Lady’, if memory serves, this was about 15 years ago) and when I used the ladies’ room at intermission, one side of my g-string broke. No big deal, I just threw them away and went commando for the rest of the afternoon.

    After the show we went out to eat. I parked the car and waited at the crosswalk for the light to change. Waved at Mom, waited, waited. Big gust of wind came up and blew my skirt up over my head. My Mom and every single car waiting at the light saw EVERYTHING.

  • ann no e

    i was trying to be alllllllll professional and it was my first week of work. i was supervising a couple of people who were older than me and i was trying to act like i deserved to be. i was walking around my office and walking back into mine when one of my new subordinates pointed out to me that the zipper in the back of my pants was totally broken and exposing my ass, because i was wearing a thong. actually, thank god i was wearing underwear at all. everyone knew that my ass was all out in the open, whether or not they saw it. yipee! great impression!!!

    then there was the time when i was blitzed and i went to the bathroom, of course, not sitting on the toilet and peed all in my pants. i pulled my jeans up and felt the pee going down my legs and into my sneakers. it was great to go back out to the bar to see all my friends.

  • I’d have to say my most embarrassing moment happened when I was in 5th grade. It was common practice for me and my closest girl friends to go to the bathroom so that we could privately talk. So, it wasn’t strange for one of us to say “Hey, want to go to the bathroom?” (Typing that out now is a bit embarrassing in itself.) One day I was talking with a boy named Kevin that I had a HUGE crush on. I tried to ask him if he wanted to go to the library, but “do you want to go to the bathroom” came out instead. M O R T I F I E D!

  • baitzy

    I was in a high school play. Being a guy, I’m not used to putting on make-up so the girls put the guys’ make-up on for them. Well, obviously this is an interesting thing since it’s high school and girls are touching you… Anyway, I am probably one of the most ticklish people in the world and always have been. (This is still something all my friends like to bring up when we meet new people). So, I’m getting the make up put on, foundation on my neck. So I start to laugh because it tickles. The girl keeps telling me to quit moving so I hold my breath. She continues and I couldn’t hold in the laughter any more so I exhale quickly through my nose. And what should happen? Well it was about the equivalent of sneezing on her. My was that embarrassing since it was the first night of the performance and we had 4 more shows. After that no one would do my make up, I had to do most of it myself but anything I really couldn’t do, another guy ended up doing for me. I certainly didn’t laugh anymore though.

  • Saroy

    I was in kindergarden and I had a fear of certain black things. (Bizarre, but it made sense to a 5-year-old.) The big black drain at the bottom of the deep end swimming pool we went to, for instance, and…black toilet seats.

    I had to pee but was terrified of the black toilet seat at school, so I held it. I was waiting in line for the bus to go home, in front of half my bus, when I couldn’t hold it anymore. I think I was wearing a skirt, and so I ended up peeing on the sidewalk, basically.

    I pretended like nothing had happened, got on the bus, and went home. Must’ve been pretty damn embarassing though if I still remember it 20+ years later…

  • After failing my driver’s license test three times, I FINALLY passed on my fourth try. I was giddy.

    I live in Minnesota and it takes anywhere from 4-6 weeks for them to mail you your actual license with your picture and all that.

    I was mortified when, four weeks later, my license appeared and they had me down as a male.

    I was even more mortified when I had to go to the driver’s license place and have them fix it.

  • judywilson

    i got married in Oct…and the fart thing is still new….however powerful..if you can do that!
    You have secured a great mariage– in my opinion!

  • It would probably have to be in my last few days at summer camp…I must have been about 10 years old. Summer was almost over and I GUESS I was anxious about going home because although I didnt have a problem with wetting the bed, I did so. I woke up very early from the wetness, told my counselor who then helped me clean everything up. The next night the same thing happened. I repeat, this wasnt a normal thing but by then I felt like a FREAK. This time my cabinmates knew the deal and told a few kids, who told a few kids, and so on and so on. By the last night of camp, my counselor actually woke me up to pee in the middle of the night as if it were a PROBLEM for me to ‘hold my water’. I went home completely embarassed and ashamed.

    Needless to say, I never went back to that camp.

  • November of 2003, I was on a plane that was heading towards the Middle East as I was in the Air Force at the time.
    The flight was showing some boring movies and I was thinking I should probably take a nap. I drifted off to sleep only to have a horrifying dream. In my dream, my mother was a vampire and trying to kill me. She kept trying to attack me. I guess the dream got to me because I woke up while being shook by the flight attendant. Apparently, I began screaming bloody murder in my sleep and was scaring the other passengers.

    I was mortfied.

  • Gia

    At my wedding 10 years ago…

    At the reception my husband got up to do a toast. He said:

    “And a toast to my lovely fiancee… er, I mean wife. Sorry – it hasn’t sunk in yet.”

  • Mary

    Last semester in one of my english classes we had to give a group presentation. I was so nervous that I burst into tears in front of the entire class. My professor excused me from doing my part and let me leave to calm down. Luckily my part of the presentation was really small and not very important to the whole so I didn’t fuck over my groupmates. We did end up getting an A. But I never wanted to go back to that class after that.

  • I don’t know if I’ve ever told anyone about this. Once (as a *teenager*) I was riding on a fairly long journey with my mother and a friend of hers. I really needed a washroom, but wasn’t about to make them stop because they were on a mission to get where they wanted to go. It got so bad I was sweating and clenching. After a while, I decided I could live through the embarassment of letting out a little fart and reducing the pressure, so to speak. To my horror, when I stopped clenching, a fart wasn’t the only thing that came out — and out and out. It was obvious from the smell that something had happened, but being as we were five minutes from home, no one said anything. I sat there until we got to the house, then waddled up to the front door. To this day I have no idea if my mom and her friend knew exactly what happened, but I spent the next 45 minutes in the bathroom, cleaning up and crying. Since then I always stop at restrooms when I need to go. No more clenching for me.

  • with me being the clumsiest person in the world i have a few.
    but the one i can remember the most is i was in junior high or middle school as some people call it. and well i was sick for about a week and i was sneezing alot.. and my stomach hurt. so! in class i sneezed so hard that i farted and the ENTIRE class started to laugh .

  • In the third grade I was about the dorkiest kid ever. I was a spelling master so instead of having to write the weekly spelling test, I got to play games in the computer room. The computer teacher was a big bitch, and always yelled at us for not shutting down our games. On this particular day, I was the only one in the computer room when suddenly I had to pee, and I mean RIGHT NOW. I tried to close the game, but I couldn’t figure it out and, well… we all know where this is going. So I finally decide to just leave the damn game and I run down the hallway PEEING THE ENTIRE WAY. Luckily no one saw me but when I got back to class I had to make up a story about why my pants were wet. It went something like this “Well, um, I feel in a puddle in the bathroom, but don’t worry cause, uhh, I cleaned it up.” Later on that day my friend informed me that I smelled like pee.

  • K.

    I had just started seeing this guy that was attending the same summer program at an urban college as I was. We spent the weekend at the Cape and came back early on Monday morning. Before taking pre-class naps, we decided to get bagels and drinks and eat outside. I bought a bottle of juice and put it beside me, outside of the range of my peripheral vision. We were talking and I reached behind me to pick up the juice and shake it before drinking it, completely forgetting that I had opened it when I set it down. As I brought it around my body and shook the bottle, I soaked him completely in fruit juice.

    I? Emerged entirely unscathed.

    It was not a good moment.

  • fluid-girl

    One of the first times that I slept with my (now) husband was the night of a friend’s college graduation party. I had been a terrible girl, mixing champagne and whiskey and I am sure other alcoholic beverages.
    At the time he lived in a room at the back of his parents house. That night we got there very late (and I’m sure we thought the reason for me to sleep there was to have sex) and the first thing I did was lie down on his bed and puke all over it. He was a gentleman and made me get up and washed the sheets in the shower, which he subsequently put up to dry in the line in the yard.
    He then made the bed with another set of sheets, onto which I managed to vomit AGAIN after a few minutes. So he was a gentleman for the second time that night and did it all over again.
    This time I didn’t puke (on the 3rd set of sheets that night), but we didn’t have sex either. I passed out and I guess he was just too tired from washing sheets and putting them out to dry.
    The next morning when we woke up, I obviously had a massive hangover and was embarassed to death, so I quickly escaped to the shower. When I was entering the bathroom, I hear him saying: “Hmm, I think you got your period”. I look at the bed, and there it is, a huge red stain.
    This time I washed the sheets myself and hang them outside.
    As if all this wasn’t enough, I reluctantly go to have breakfast with his parents (another sign of the damage all the drink must have caused to my brain), and his mother asks: ‘Son, why are all your sheets hanging outside?’
    By then I was just wishing I was never born, but then he replied to her that he had had too much to drink and had vomited on the sheets the night before, and I had been a wonderful girl and washed them all.
    How could I not marry this guy? (Don’t ask me how HE ever wished to see me again after that night though.)

  • adrienne

    I’m not sure it’s the *most* embarrassing thing I’ve ever done, since it was 12 years ago, but it sure sucked then…

    I was in the 4th grade and playing on the jungle gym. I was hanging by my knees upside down and went to flip over, but I forgot that my hands were hanging and not holding on the the bar… naturally I smacked face-first into the ground, bashing my nose in the dirt. It didn’t break, but it bled like a mofo… I had a huge brown scab for almost a month, during which time I was photographed for the local paper for an art exhibit my class had done. We made paper mache’ dinosaurs. I still have that brachiosaurus somewhere in the basement, along with the picture of me in my ‘brown-nose’ phase… heh heh.

  • Upon returning home from a first date with a new guy, I went to the bathroom with a smile on my face. Confident the date had gone well and that I would definitely be getting a second… As I sat to pee, I looked up and to my horror, saw my Granny Sized 38-D Bra hanging from the hook on the back of the bathroom door. It looked so HUGE from that angle and not feminine or dainty in the least. And of course my memory reminded me that my date had asked to go to the bathroom when he had come to pick me up earlier in the evening.

    I can’t believe he didn’t say anything about it during the date. I mean, how could you let something so hilarious like that go?

  • I had my very first boyfriend in 9th grade, and I was over at his house for the first time, and I was feeling jittery and nervous. When I first walked into his kitchen, his dog started sniffing my crotch like there was no tomorrow. In my head I think to myself, “He must smell my cat.” Out loud I say, “Do you smell my pussy?”

  • Coincidentally, one of my most embarrassing moments was on a birthday, too — my birthday when I was a kid. I couldn’t have been more than seven or eight, and I had a very important birthday wish for when I blew out the candles.

    I was obsessive about this wish, which is funny because now I can’t even remember what it was. Undoubtedly it wasn’t all that cool of a wish — it probably involved a pink Barbie and the Rockers van or some other materialistic object I learned to covet from Saturday morning cartoon commericals.

    Unfortunately, at the same time I was formulating the Super Magical Barbie Birthday Wish, my family was planning a funny joke on me. At least, they thought it was funny, and expected me to feel the same way.

    When I tried to blow out my candles, and they lit back up, I just recovered quickly and tried to blow them out again. And they lit back up again. Which is when everyone started laughing at the funny trick candles on my cake.

    Everyone started laughing except for me, I mean. I showed my poise and grace by erupting into the biggest birthday tantrum this world has ever seen, complete with red humiliated cheeks and brokenhearted sobs over my lost Mattel toy wishes that would now never be granted. Then I locked myself in my room and wouldn’t come out, even when my grandmother stood there talking softly to me on the other side of the door. “GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE!” I screamed at her. To which she immediately stopped feeling sorry for me and responded, “Don’t talk to your grandmother that way.”

    I’m not sure I’ll ever forget the birthday I spent locked in my own room, sniffling into my pillow while the disembodied voice of my grandmother chastised my manners, and all of my other guests waited awkwardly in the living room. Not that I could even if I wanted to — my family loves reminding me of the time I went postal at my own birthday party!

  • zchamu

    I cannot believe I am going to tell this story.

    In university, I had a pretty small private dorm room. I had a little area with a sink and closet where I did most of my nightly preparations, had my closet and garbage can and whatnot, and dumped most of my clothes on the floor. One day I grabbed a shirt from the pile and ran into the common laundry room to iron it. There were a couple of girls in there already so we started chatting as I put the shirt on the ironing board, until I noticed the looks of horror on their faces. I looked down to the ironing board where my shirt lay.. with a used panty liner stuck to it for all the world to see. It must have been in the garbage can by the clothes pile. Gaaah.

  • Rob

    I was about 24 and working as a grocery checker back in the days before scanners. I’m ringing up an order for a woman with very large, firm breasts who is wearing a very small tight tube top. She was standing with her boobs situated right above the produce scale and as I set her cantaloupes on the scale I looked up at her and said “cantaloupe…69 cents a boob…I mean a pound”. I then turned bright red. I didn’t know where to look while taking her money. I couldn’t look her in the eyes and I certainly didn’t want to look anywhere near her chest area. She found the whole thing highly amusing. I’m still not sure why I was so embarassed ’cause I’m gay.

    Once at the same store I was bagging groceries for the assistant manager of the store who had a reputation for being a total horn dog. The store is in Nevada…home of legalized prostitution. One of our regular customers was the madam of one of the local houses. She was in her 40’s or 50’s and had the most unbelievable body which she showed of in incredibly low cut, short dresses. After he finished her order and was handing her change back to her he said “Thank you…have a nice boob”.

    I guess men, no matter what their sexual persuasion, really have a thing about breasts.

  • Pregnancy’s most embarassing moment
    October 08, 2004

    I had a doctors appointment yesterday, and like every other one so far – there was the weighing in, the blood pressure, the asking questions and the directions for blood tests and what not inbetween this and my next appointment.

    Everything is hunky dory, the doctor is about to come in and meet us and see if we have any additional questions. Well before he came in I asked the nurse about some girly things pertaining to my girly things and she suggested we have the doctor “take a look” just to ease my mind.

    Ok, no big deal … I’ve done this before – I’m not nervous.

    But then it happens, I’m laying on this bed with my butt hanging out in mid air and my feet hoisted in these stirrup things – and like a small wind passing in the field, I let one go.

    Not just any piece of gas I keep stuck up there, I let the little airy one out – the one that makes noise like a creeky door upon exit because I’m trying my darndest to keep it up there without moving anything so the doctor won’t know I’m squirming for my dignity.

    Lets just take a moment shall we?

    I farted in my doctors face.

    And then because I didn’t know what to do – I started laughing. Out loud. Like a school girl.

    I wanted to pee my pants I was so embarassed.

  • Delurking…funnily enough I wrote about this on my blog today. In my early university years I was stupid enough to try laxatives as a weight loss method. I didn’t realize that one needed to stay immediately close to a bathroom when taking laxatives, if one does not need to use them for constipation. I barely made it to the washroom after class, and even then there was some…forerunners. Yeah. Not my finest moment.

  • When the teacher was handing out the locker assignments the first day of ninth grade, I was sitting in the back by these two cute girls who were chatting about their summer vacations. One of them had one some nice smelling perfume and it really got my attention — if you know what I mean. When my name was called, I had to walk up to the front of the class with a lump in my jeans. I shoved my hands in my pockets and tried desperately to hide it to no avail. I could hear everyone snickering and whispering behind me. I had to take a hand out of my pants to get the lock. I swear I heard a gasp. Maybe it was in my mind, maybe it wasn’t. I quickly shoved the lock into my pants and walked back to my desk with my gaze not raising above the grain of the carpet.

  • I was teaching 9th grade English and one of my students asked me if she could borrow a pencil. I replied, “I don’t have any pencils. How about a penis?” I meant PEN, but it came out PEN-is. There were a few snickers, but mostly stunned silence. I think they were just as embarrassed as I was.

  • I once put laundry detergent in the dishwasher.

    For the record: it bubbles over and spills out on the floor.

  • Mine just happened a week ago. My fiance, son, and I live with my mother and she had gone out for a few hours. My fiance and I decided to steal some alone time and were in the midst of a very noisy romp when I thought that I heard someone walking around downstairs. I assumed that it was our son and went back to “Oh my god”ing and “Yesyesyes”ing. Immediately after we finished, I heard the footsteps again and the answering machine being played back (a skill that my 3-year-old has definitely not acquired yet). Our eyes grew wide and we hid under the covers as my mom cleared her throat and yelled up to us, “Uh…hi guys! Don’t mind me.”
    My mom heard me have an orgasm. Fucking hell.

  • LG

    I can fall UPstairs.

    A good friend who was also a neighbor had called and invited me over for coffee and gossip. Happy to be out of the house I strode confidently, chin up, shoulders back, smile wide, across the street. Just bebopping on over, a spring in my step and happy to be alive.
    I crossed through the dew dampened grass in my sandals, enjoying the feel of the cool moisture against my toes.Without a pause in my pace I hopped onto the first of five steps up to her door. And all that lovely damp dew on my shoes had my shoe, with my foot firmly inside, sliding down the edge of the step even as I was stepping to the next stair with the other. In a jumble of flying limbs I managed to crest the stairs, finally stopping with a LOUD thump of my head against the door. Sitting with my legs dangling down the stairs.
    My friend opened the door with the statement “Oh honey you don’t have to knock.”
    My neighbors, who had been gardening and gotten the whole show, said it was the best prat fall they’d ever seen.
    Just one of many “I’m a bigger clutz than Jerry Lewis ever tried to be” moments.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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