Oh dear.

It seems as if I have offended The Small Penises. Oh, and The Semi-Constipated: “Some of us who you would consider semi-constipated actually do feel a lot of pain. You don’t have a monopoly on constipation you know.”

As for The Small Peniseseses, I never said that the ownership of a small penis was necessarily a bad thing, only that if you ask someone about whether or not they have heard about your ownership of a small penis, that might make me laugh. We laugh not at Ryan’s penis but that he ASKED about it.

Was it Ben Franklin who said, “Tis not the size of your penis that matters. Tis what you DO with that penis.” Maybe it was Jefferson. Or Thoreau. Whoever. There have been many a small penis that have pleasured a partner with much more finesse than a larger penis. I myself have witnessed the spectacular acrobatics of small penises. I have also been the victim of a large penis who had no idea what to do with itself, and believe me, in those terrifying moments how longingly did I yearn for the small penis who knew its way around the cheeseburger.

Also, no where on this website have I said that ALL Ryans have small peniseses: “My name is Ryan and I don’t have a small penis.” Good for you. I wasn’t talking about you. Be sure you know what to do with that thing.

In conclusion: Your small penis, it’s totally okay. It may very well be wonderful.